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Nov
8
When did you come out? And what advice would you give?
November 8, 2009 |
Here’s a question for the homos in the house:
When did you come out? And what advice would you give other readers?
Leave your answers in the comments!
Popularity: 17% [?]
Comments
146 Comments so far
I was 17 when I came out to friends and family. The best advice I could ever give a fellow gay man is just GET IT OVER WITH! You will never believe the weight that is lifted off your shoulders and you’ll definitely see who your true friends are.
Joey
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daniel reply on November 9, 2009 5:33 pm:
What if your parents are always saying how they hate gays??? than what??? thats the situation for me.
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Ett reply on November 9, 2009 11:09 pm:
I would really like to know the answer to this as well. Even though my dad has his suspicions that I may be gay, when we are in public he will openly talk about how much he hates gay people. Not only that but I’m a college athlete and if I choose to be open with my sexuality harrassment is going to be a given. I mean I have even heard some of my teammates talking about really beating up homosexuals. I don’t want them to be my friends if they want to be like this but these will be people I will have to deal with on a daily basis. An opinion on what to do would be much appreciated.
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tata from the philippines reply on November 9, 2009 11:25 pm:
Owwwwws, I can relate to your situation, my family sounded to be homophobes, so with this reason, I tried to hold back for a long time which seemed to be eternity. In fact, I entered the premiere military school in the philippines hoping thatI would be able to hide my true identity. But my being gay is comparable to a volcano, the more I restrained it the more it felt to erupt. well, finally, i was able to gather enough guts and courage to brave the storms. I was lucky that particular incidents in my life happened, although, it was not so good to remember yet they’ve served as courage boosters for me to come out. Now, I am very happy with what I am.
Hopefully, I can somebbody here, through Davet Wavey’s site, somebody special, with whoom I can spend my life with and till eternity……
Dave W reply on November 10, 2009 6:49 am:
My family was never verbally homophobic before I came out to them, but they sure were afterwards! And they basically disowned and shun me to this day. I came out to them 15 years ago this month, in fact. Being honest with yourself and your God filters out the true family from the false one. My extended family still loves me and affirms me even tho the immediate family did not.
Kipp white reply on November 10, 2009 9:43 am:
The tough part is going to be even bringing up the topic. You can’t be the one to bring it up because they may figure out WHY you’re talking about it. So you’re stuck waiting for the opportunity for them to be talking about their hatred of gay people. When it does come up then start with the question: Why? Why do they hate gay people. For my family it was religion, their religion says being gay is wrong. But that religion also doesn’t really allow them to hate people, just sin, so it gave me an opening to point out how their hatred was wrong in the strict interpretation of their belief. How this will turn out with your family and teammates is going to depend on their answers. You might try to develop a method for arguing based on different possible reasons for their hatred.
One fairly successful method, for people who actually love you is to express disappointment that someone you love is harboring irrational hatred for anyone. “So you hate gays but just because of (whatever reason). That disappoints me, I’ve always respected you and I thought you were better than that.”
No matter how you approach this it’s going to be tough. All the advice in the world may not help. Wish I could be of more help. Best of luck to you.
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well, i didn’t came back yet.
it will be terrible and i don’t even like to think about it ;/
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gnjen reply on November 9, 2009 7:32 am:
don’t push yourself, but do not think it would be bad, because you don’t know how is it going to be, and because you are just making it worse by thinking negatively… good luck
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actually, i was talking about my family.
my friends know about me, and support me in every way!
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JohnnyNewYork reply on November 8, 2009 6:03 pm:
Ask anyone here, you are afraid of your family knowing that you are gay, but they already know, I guarantee it. They already have suspisions….so, its not like there wont be drama, mothers always cry, right? So expect that. But then everything usualy statrts to improve right away.
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Eduardo reply on November 8, 2009 8:29 pm:
Yeah, that’s true. My parents already know, they feel.
But they’re always talking about how terrible is to be gay and other sad things. And that’s why i’m so afraid to tell them ~:
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gnjen reply on November 9, 2009 7:24 am:
Mine haven’t cried at all xD My mother was cooler than me, I was all messed up and I could even speak so I wrote it on a paper, and I cried, but she was supportive and fine with it and so on. It was the most dramatical coming out for me, maybe because it was a first one. When I later came out for two of my friends, i haven’t panicked at all. Maybe I was pushing myself too much that first time… it was about year ago. And I came to my best girl friend about two weeks ago, and I was totally fine and self-confident and she took it really great and supportive, too…
gnjen reply on November 9, 2009 7:30 am:
****couldn’t even speak
OMG! I’m thinking about coming out this week! Any advice would be amazing! Cause I’m really freaking out!
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Edouard reply on November 8, 2009 8:38 pm:
Wow!!! well.. I haven’t came out… (to my parents, because I have practically came out to the world by typing this xD)
but… I really admire your courage!! Congratulations for that! and… well… even if I am unexperienced, I’d say that this is one of those situations when, if your parents say anything upsets you, something that makes you uncomfortable, and anything in between, just remember that you are like a newborn, and your feelings are very fragile, and make them know how you feel. Their love is way more powerful than what society has established!
Once again, Congratulations!!! (this can be marked as a second birthday!! xD)
God luck!! ^^
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Berna reply on November 10, 2009 12:28 pm:
I know! I was too when I came out to my family, one and a half yeas ago. Actually I just said it. My brother was leaving for I didn’t know how long (he’s still in the place where he moved to), so I thought: today or never, because I wanted to say it just once. Saying is the difficult part, because when you say it, then it’s real.
Anyway, I gathered the family in the living room and said: “there’s something I have been wanting to tell you for so much time but never did. I’m gay.” My father didn’t really understand -.-, my mom said “it looks like I won’t have any grandson”. Ten days after that I went on a trip for a month, and when I came back my mother was crying and crying. I think she’s still got some problems with it, but I’m sure with time she’s gonna be alright. I mean: they had no major problems, they just asked me if i was sure, since when I knew and then tried to make me go to see a therapist, but the second time I refused they gave up.
So… advice: there’s no right time, except the time you choose. I had been waiting months, maybe years, for the right time, but then I just said it. Of course if your family is not dealing with other problems when you choose to come out, that’s better: probably they’re gonnna be struck enough by your situation.
I’m not sure this post is really an advice, but I think hearing (reading) other people’s coming outs is important.
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I’m with Joey: there’s no advice you can give since there’s no other option but to get it done. Trust yourself and do it. You’ll feel so much better afterwards.
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gnjen reply on November 9, 2009 7:17 am:
Do not push yourself.
It has to be done, but everything in the world has it’s time.
Do it when you feel it is time to do it,
and do it the way you feel is best to be done.
Anyone here can’t give advices, but trough our stories,
you may find out which way you would prefer that to be done.
I wish you all the courage and luck of the worl
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Came out many many years ago.
I am looking around at how naturally most guys take it these days, and apart from feeling astonishment and a little bit of envy, I think I am the last person to give advice.
the only mini-advice i can give is remember that it’s a major thing to you, but in 2009 is pretty minute to most other people. Don’t make it bigger than it is in your head.
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Hey,
i’m sixteen and i’ve known i was gay since i was eleven. i’ve only come out to two of my closest friends and they have been the most accepting people i’ve ever known, however, i’m afraid of coming out to my family because i have some fear that they won’t accept me and kick me out of the house. they always pester me about not having a girlfriend and it’s getting to the point where i can’t deal with it any more. i’m not ashamed of who i am or anything i just don’t want my family to hate me. what should i do?
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Tyler reply on November 8, 2009 6:03 pm:
OMG i have the same problem but I know my sister knows and told my mom but idk what i should do.
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jacques-england reply on November 8, 2009 6:26 pm:
i just think you guys feel pushed … if your not ready dont come out yet .. if your family know which they probaly do … just dont think to much about it and you will know when its time, you just get that feeling, you will know what i mean in time
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gnjen reply on November 9, 2009 7:13 am:
Do not come out if you are not ready. You must feel ready.
And if you are afraid of being kicked out, you first need to get finance independency…
Eugene reply on November 9, 2009 9:49 am:
I feel the exact same way, but I’m 17 and have told three people(all very close) except for one who now probably hates me for it, and makes me feel useless and worthless. The other two are great one may even (possibly) be gay, but just won’t admit it. I din’t want to tell my family, because just like you they’ll probably hate me for it. the school i go to is not a welcoming school if your not a lesbian that is. and they constantly demean gay people. so idk, i do want to come out, but at what cost?
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Hey,
i’m sixteen and i’ve known i was gay since i was eleven. i’ve only come out to two of my closest friends and they have been the most accepting people i’ve ever known. i’m afraid of coming out to my family because i have some fear that they won’t accept me and kick me out of the house. they always pester me about not having a girlfriend and it’s getting to the point where i can’t deal with it any more. i’m not ashamed of who i am or anything i just don’t want my family to hate me. what should i do?
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daniel reply on November 9, 2009 5:37 pm:
I have the exact same problem although I am 15. I know that once i tell 1 person it will be all over the place and there are alot of geay haters i know. :S what really pisses me off is when people accept lesbiens but not gays >.<
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I’ve only come out to close friends, and I still am afraid of coming out to my family/other parts of my life. I’m 18. My friends were easier though, it kind of naturally happened. I don’t think I ever just said “I’m gay.” More like, I said I had bisexual tendencies [I was so confused back then, I wasn’t using it as a cover up, I had no idea, haha.], and eventually it just blossomed into what it is today. I guess I’d say that you can do it to your friends and peers, and see who really cares for you and so on. But with family, I think you have to at least imagine how they’d react first.. So you can either prepare yourself for the right time, or at least know the consequences.
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Jesse reply on November 8, 2009 11:01 pm:
Hello, I’m 15. Do you have any advice on what it was like when you were confused cuz im kind of going through it at the moment and revealed to two of my friends last monday that I was “I dont know”
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Adrian reply on November 9, 2009 8:45 pm:
It’s okay to be confused. You just need to give yourself some time to figure things out. Remember that labels are only used so that other people can easily understand you. You may identify with a label, but if you don’t, that’s okay. I’m 20 and I still have a lot of trouble associating myself with a label. Good luck!
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Rob reply on November 10, 2009 3:18 pm:
Ah, like Adrian said, it’s ok to identify yourself if you want to, but you can also be unsure. Sure, others around you may have labelled themselves, but that’s also not set in stone necessarily. [Unless they’re for sure gay or straight and always have been!] Plus hey, you’re still just 15 years old. You’re experiencing the high school life [Most likely?] and going through the emotional roller coaster that comes along with the ages of 13 to 17ish. Just take your time, go with what you feel is right, and if you don’t know what feels right, then yes, just label yourself undecided or questioning. [That is, if you feel you need to label yourself. Like Adrian already said, labels are just so people can identify and understand you in their own terms.] I wish you the best of luck on figuring everything out!
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Jesse reply on November 10, 2009 4:52 pm:
Thanks… that’s kind of what i was thinking. I figure that labels are for when you’re old and look back on life. I really appreciate the insite though. It makes me feel less alone.
My mother knows I’m ga, but no one else.
I don’t understand this thing with everybody telling their friends before their family. Personally, I trust my family (my mother most) more than anyone, and I think that if I had told my friends, everybody would have known about it in a couple of days.
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jacques-england reply on November 8, 2009 6:30 pm:
i toled my friends a year before i toled my family … if you have true friends then they wouldnt do that. i just thought if i toled my friends then if my family didnt accept me i could go and cry or stay with my friends
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Eduardo reply on November 8, 2009 8:34 pm:
it’s because i really love and trust my friends, and i know that they dont are homophobic.
but my parents, well, they really are homophobic. i love them, but i need more time to deal with that. i need my independece first. they can stop to talk to me gor a while, you know ;/
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gnjen reply on November 9, 2009 7:10 am:
one year before I came out to m friends, I came out to my mother first, because I really trust her most.
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Hmm, I came out February 12, 2008. Yes, i remember exactly when. I told my best friend, a girl, who was my was previously first girlfriend/relationship. I told her we couldn’t be together but I couldn’t tell her it was because I was gay yet. Of course she blamed herself for the “break up”. Once I came out to her it all fell into place. I felt better about myself because I told Someone. She didn’t blame herself anymore. I of course new way before she and I were together that I liked guys. I learned how wrong it emotionally painful it is to try to be something you are not. I was trying to like girls. My advice is: to never enter a relationship with someone else if you are having sexual identity issues. Second, if you think you are gay, find a mentor. Someoneyou cam trust to talk about your feelings. Much pain goes away, even if you tell just one person. Look for (legitimate) online resources for help, such as PFLAG. My highschool had a club called the gay-straight alliance. Try to be strong. understand that your family and friends aren’t necessarily anti-gay, but rather that they worry about how other people will treat you. I just experienced this with my mom actually, and I came out to my parents about 18 months ago. Know that there isn’t a single person or thing in the world worth not being true to yourself over. Always be true to yourself and your being. Lastly, follow Davey Wavey’s blog. He helped me realize a few things about myself and also helped me come to terms with myself about a few things.
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I started coming out when I was twenty four. by the time I was 31, everyone knew. I knew telling some members would find it hard. They came around.
My advice, is to comeout when your ready. There is no shame in being who you are. After all being gay is just a part of who you are.
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I came out the summer after high school/before college. I couldn’t come out in high school as I lived in a small town that wasn’t gay friendly. I’ve heard theres even a documentary about the cities beliefs called “Out in the Silence.” Apparently I missed the casting call.
Anyways, my friends all knew and aside from telling them, I did what everyone (everyone?) does when they come out, I changed my orientation on Facebook! No one really said anything but I guess it just became common knowledge that I was gay and such.
The summer ended and I came to college and everyone was really sweet and nice about it so I became comfortable enough that, although this may not make sense, I took my orientation off Facebook. I guess I just stopped feeling like I needed to prove something to everyone and that it was ok to be out but that public flashing rainbow sign that was my Facebook page wasn’t necessary.
If I had to give someone advice I’d say they definitely need to tell their friends. they will stand by you no matter what and I know its cliche but if they don’t they aren’t true friends. Telling everyone, to me atleast, isn’t necessary. Test the waters, see how a few people act when they find out and then maybe tell anyone who wants to know. I guess it all depends on your situation; where you live, what the community is like, etc. I guess really for everyone I can say be yourself and whoever doesn’t like it fuck them.
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I came out to my mom last year(I was 15,now 16) while watching Prayers for Bobby. I had already came out to my friends,so I was mostly concerned about telling my mom. She was extremely calm and collected about it. Even though my mom was cool about it at first,it’s still obvious that she’s trying to adjust to it. I think people should come out when they feel ready. Just be prepared for possible emotional tension and such. But in the end everything will be cool
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hi all .. well im 18 and i came out to my friends as you do first then to my mum..
i think telling your friends is easy and it gets you ready for telling your mum to which some poeople think will be the hardest thing ever..
i was scared about coming out because i know my mum loves me but you always get that feeling what if she starts to hate me …
a mothers love is more powerful than anything and if you toled your mum you killed someone she would help you hide the body lol ..
people think well my mum is going to be upset, BUT SHES NOT .. she might cry but its not because your gay and its the end of the world, its because she knows how much it took you to tell her and she is happy because you trust her. she will also cry because she is scared your going to have a hard life..
i remember the day i came out i kept putting it off because i wanted to be sure i was ready. i went out with my mum because she wanted to go pictures and as you do you have dinner afterwards.. we was sat there and she said something and then said you will be having kids next.. so i juust laughed and said no not for me, and she said why, then i just thought omg say it jacques.. so i said, mum i tell my friends everything and i like to think your mum can be like your best friend, i wanted to tell you that im gay .. well she smiled and said o right and so on …
we had a laugh about it in the car on the way home and kept saying oo look at him in that car which made me want to die but o well …
o and she says if you wanna talk about sex you can… im never gonna talk about sex to my mum so just makesure your always safe and you wont have to haha
.. love this blog davy love to share my story ..
HOPE IT HELPED
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Im 20 and came out two years ago. ive known since i was 12 and finally decided to come out after highschool ended.. it was the best thing ive ever done.. im happy i waited till after i graduated from highschool but my best advice is to tell those close to you and the rest will follow. i think it can only get better from there on out. coming out is about also feeling comfortable with yourself
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Came out to close friends and classmates when I was 17, found out who my true friends were. Left it until I was 25 and moving to another country before I told my mother, and she told my dad for me. I had struggled with it for a long time, fear of rejection and perceived hatred kept me from being true to myself. I sort therapy and comfort in the wrong places. Only you know when is right, don’t let anyone force you. I wish I had come out earlier as my family had known for a long time and were for the most part accepting. I had wasted part of my youth hiding myself from the people I love.
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I came out in several stages:
The first time i mentioned i might like guys i was about 10 years old.
After a long silence I told some of my very liberal friends, who were extremely accepting. This was when I was 15. By the time i was 16 all of my friends and most of my school knew. I didn’t tell my parents for another year and a half, but now they’ve known for almost a year.
I can only give you one piece of advice: Come out to people you know will be fine with it.
The first person to come out to must be a person you can talk to about it, if nobody comes to mind find someone online. Sharing the coming out story always makes it easier.
Once you have friends who support you and your gayness, you’ll quickly get over the fear of telling everyone else…
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I’m 25 and came out as bisexual to family and friends last year. Here’s my humble advice:
First, come out to yourself. Accept what you are and know there’s nothing wrong in being gay or bi or whatever label you choose to wear.
Second, know that it’s not necessary to come out to each and every person you know. With some people, the closest to you, you may want to have a quiet talk about it. With the rest, just let it come up naturally if you feel they’re open about it.
Don’t look for trouble: if you’re certain someone won’t accept you, why bother telling them? It’s your private life you’re dealing with, after all. But if you’re not sure, don’t let fear stop you, either.
People will ask questions, just don’t answer any you feel comfortable with.
It’s scary at first, but the more you practise it, the better you get at it. The first steps are the hardest ones but then you’ll fell incredibly better about it and really relieved.
Hope this helps.
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im 19 and thinking of coming out around thanksgiving. im really scared…
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Cameron reply on November 9, 2009 9:11 pm:
Don’t be scared… I mean, its very scary, but half the fear comes from inside of you… you just have to let it out. The experience is different for everyone, so it might go well, it might go bad… only you can figure it out. But know that you will probably still be loved in some way by your family and your true friends will show themselves pretty quickly.
if all else fails, turn to ice cream
and this blog 
good luck and i hope you have the courage to be who you are!
I will always love you like i love any stranger. <3 I support you.
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I came out to the parents about 9-10 years ago, several years after I finally moved out and was on my own. By that time, it was a couple of years after I told my cool aunt and most of my friends.
Neither parental took it very well. For my mother, being one of those religious types, this was unsurprising.
Now, me being gay is just the big pink elephant in the room that no one talks about. (Like everything else.)
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Coming out is an everyday event.
Yes, when we talk about “coming out” we’re generally talking about telling family and/or friends we’re queer, but there are ways in which we choose to come out or stay in the closet every single day.
Every day we meet new people and are given new opportunities to disclose or not disclose that we’re queer. So, not to discourage everyone who’s looking forward (or not) to coming out…but we do it more than once. WAY more than once.
In terms of coming out to family, I mentioned years ago to my mother that I identified as queer. I’m not sure she got it at the time.
But, honestly, there are more subtle ways of going about it. For instance, there are people to whom I’ve never said the words, “I’m queer,” but they know because I talk about my girlfriend, or the girl I have a crush on or, “Do you think she likes me?” That sort of thing.
It doesn’t have to be a shattering event. Courage, my loves!
gigi
Giselle Renarde
Canada just got hotter!
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vlee reply on November 9, 2009 2:40 pm:
haha This is great advice. It is true. Every time you meet a new friend, you’re going to “come out” one more time. Me and my boyfriend made a new female friend this year and we were planning on coming out to her as soon as possible. When I told her my bf and I were dating she had the most depressed look on her face and it turned out she had a huge crush on my bf! I felt so bad but this is just an example that everyone needs to come out to your new acquaintances asap to prevent this kind of sad situation! Now we are all great friends.
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jacques-england reply on November 9, 2009 4:42 pm:
i dont like the word queer its wierd, i say gay .. and it is true everytime i meet someone new now at family meals ..my nana goes this is jacques hes the gay one in the family. its great (not) lol
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I came out at 19 on christmas eve. I was always a momma’s boys, and felt really bad that i couldn’t share this part of my life with her. I was able to tell her everything and wanted to continue to tell her everything. However, i waited to tell my family and my mother until i could support myself. You hear a lot of stories about young teens becoming homeless because they “came out”. So, my advice would be; If you have any questions regarding your parents approval, than wait untill you are going to be able to support yourself financialy and emotionally.
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I am a straight girl, but I do know sorta what ur all taking about.
My best friend-who-is-a-guy is gay, and he didn’t come out, I forcibly dragged him out of his closet. He had known scince he was…..maybe 5(i geuss)? But he had been my bf for 5 years after that, Kindergarden to 5th grade, and when he told me, I sorta guess I already knew, and so I said he HAD to tell everyone else, but he didn’t want to. So I nitted and picked for about 4 years, until he finally was forced to come out when I played him into a devious trap. Then, a few weeks ago, he was trapped and found out by his parents, and we both got in trouble for it. It wasn’t exactly his fault, how were we to know his boyfriend would come over just then, and that his parents would be so not-understanding as they were, but now I’m forced to attend church classes(I’m not even Christain) and he is as well, added to being grounded for life, so, thats all.
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vlee reply on November 9, 2009 2:47 pm:
No! I feel so bad for both of you! When I came out to my parents (I’m a dude) they made me go to “counseling” with our church pastor. I went twice and he told me that the next time we met I had to tell him if I was going to either “reject Christ” and live a gay “lifestyle” or reject my demons. Nevertheless, the next session I told him that I was “rejecting Christ”. After I drove back home, I was so happy that I ran 3 miles without stopping around my neighborhood. No one saw me but if they did they would have thought I was crazy. I called my best female friend and told her about everything and she was really happy for me too. My advice in this situation is to not let anyone walk on you. I know it can be hard and especially for your guy friend since I think he’s probably feeling the hottest of the flames but you will be miserable if you lay down and let the church people walk on you. Even though I didn’t have the courage to stand up for myself much when I came out, I wish I could go back in time and be more blunt and “in-your-face” to the jerks that I was faced with after I came out. That’s my advice. <:) Good luck.
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Brady reply on November 9, 2009 6:59 pm:
It is funny that my minister was caught at the reststop having sex with men!!
BIG scandal in our small town!
Just realize it took you a while for you to accept your homosexuality and it might take your parrents the same amount of time.
I hope coming out goes well for you.
Just make sure you have a backup plan, because I ended up living in a tree house in a friend’s back yard!
-Brad
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I came out, because I was tired of hiding it from everyone. I had been asked many times in my life, “Andy, are you gay?” I had first been asked when I was 9, by my step mother. I had always said no, because I felt it would “pass.”
I graduated from high school, in 2008, and came out a month before my 18th birthday, 15 days before I started college. I told my mother, and then the rest of my family. I have never had any secrets, and felt really bad for hiding it from my family.
Things will never be the same between my family and I, but I know I did the right thing.
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vlee reply on November 9, 2009 2:50 pm:
<:( I know what you mean Andy. I have the same experience. I came out two years ago and my family has never treated me the same. I don’t regret coming out but I am sad that I can’t have fun with my family or normal conversations with them anymore. I just want to talk to them like I used to but when we talk now, it’s so awkward. I love them so much and I just want to have happy times with them again. I miss the relationship I had with my sisters and my parents too…
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I First came out to a friend of mine on July 8th 2005. Bizzarely, it was the day after I hooked-up with someone at the school prom. Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly, we were caught in a post-act embrace. I don’t know how many people know about this, but I care less about that now. I next remember coming out to some more people - a university housemate, a work colleague and then a few more.
I eventually came out to my parents on February 20th 2009. They were okay with it. Before that, I was prone to deep bouts of depression and often was riddled with guilt. Now I’m amazed how free and liberated I feel.
My piece of advice - get a hire car, so you can get the hell out if need be. After that, take the people who supported you to Ikea. Buy stuff you don’t really need.
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I came out 3 weeks ago! It was really hard to do, but nothing bad happened! I was so nervous, but once I came out, I relized how much time I wasted
worrying about how others would react.
My advice is…
Just do it!!!
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I knew I was gay since I could talk.
That’s not a joke.
I never really came out, my mom would just talked about things, and we’d get to know each other.
But, with my step mom and stuff, I slowly came out?
I told her I was bi.
and, my dad always called things faggot and queer. It bothered me, so I told him straight up I liked guys.
He still denies it.4 years later. When I’ve had relationships with guys and he’s known about it.
I came out to my friend when I was in the 5th grade.
Then I came out to everyone who cared, when I was 13.
I came out to some of my teachers, on accident recently. She asked me if I had a girlfriend, and I said, NO, I am gay, and she said, “No, I know you are, I meant A girl that’s a friend.” I was kind of in shock.
But, where I live, I am one of the 3 out gays.
My town is full of hill billy dwelling hicks. Lol..
My best advice is to get it overrrr with. You’ll be so happy and feel so relieved, like Joey said.
and, do it with a good thought in your head, kind of expect the worse, so hopefully the outcome is better.
Make sure, you have a friend that can be there/come get you, or something if any thing goes wrong.
It can be really scary, especially if you live in a town where I live, just don’t strut it around like your hot shit and all.
Just carry yourself with confidence, and peace in mind.
And, try to ignore the comments you get.
I used to be a very shy, “emo”?, kid, who wasn’t popular, and since I came out, I’ve had to make sure, I wasn’t seen as a weakling, because here, if they see you as that, they will take advantage of you and hurt you…seriously.I just keep my head up no matter what, and try not to take crap.
with love.
Mycheallll.
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Jan 16, 2009 I told my mom and step dad I was gay. I only told two people before I told them. Right after I told my mom and step dad there was no stopping me. The one person I had a hard time telling was my real dad. I know he doesn’t like it but like my mom said ” it is what makes you happy and that is all that matters.”
I would tell others to take it slow…make sure you are ready. Once you are done you feel great!
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I had a very dramatic coming out story. . .
First off I was 19, and had told a few of my friends here in college. They took it well and all was good except somehow someone told my older sister Miranda which in turn told my Father.
So I got a phone call from my father with some explosive questions about the whole thing. So of course I answered them all against my will, and that was that. It turned out that after about four years he has finally come around. He has accepted it, as for my relationship with my older sister that has yet to be repaired.
My mother was easy to tell, though I feared telling her the most because I respect and look up to her the most, but she took it so well, that later that night she insisted we go to the gay club and have fun and embrace what I am. Which helped a lot knowing that I could talk to her about everything.
Her only consern was that she wouldn’t be having any grandchildren. But She is very cool with it.
My older brother was a tough sell, he is very much a man’s man. But he took it very well and we still hang out when I come home.
My little sister I told when she was only twelve so she has been fine with it and has even made some friends with the gay kids in her high school and relates to them on what happened through me.
I told my aunts and uncle’s on my Mom’s side of the family when I was 19 and only one of my Uncle’s had a problem with it. My grandparents were shockingly supportive and I am very appreciative of that.
With the expierence that I had with my Dad, I actually didn’t tell his side of the family till about a month ago. It wasn’t a plan, just like before I was backed into a corner and it just came out. All my cousins laughed and said finally. Which was nice, but I still didn’t like the situation I was forced into.
The advice that I would give to anyone is that, tell your family last. I was lucky enough to tell a few of my friends before it got back to my older sister and had some support.
Even if whoever you tell doesn’t react the way you wanted or wished they did. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. You were being honest with them, and that is the most important thing. They may come around in time, but if they don’t, just know that you did nothing wrong.
I would tell someone when doing something that you regularly do with that person. It makes it easier to have some kind of task to work on it kind of subtly lets them know that your still the same person.
Evan Kellen
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haha, funny story. i have only truly come out to my best friend. i dont plan on experiencing that again anytime soon (or later). it was quite literally, torture (not that my friend had a hard time with me [very much the opposite] its just that i couldnt handle it). in fact, i think people dont really have to know. and you know what, i think i can live without people knowing.
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I actually just came out earlier this year to pretty much everyone.
The one thing I would suggest is tell people yourself instead of letting it get to the people you care about via gossip.
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Some tips for you based on my own coming-out experience:
1) First of all, coming out is the best gift you can give yourself and the world. Living a lie and living in shame destroys you, taking a little piece of you every time you feel the need to conceal that part of you. Living honestly will liberate you in surprising ways.
2) There is no one way or easy way to come out. Everyone will come out in his or her way. It can certainly be helpful to read about others’ journeys, though, just so you know you’re not alone.
3) One of my biggest mistake was to keep waiting for that perfect moment. It will never come. Ever! And the longer you wait, the more difficult it will become. Trust me. It won’t be easy, but it will be very simple. Just a few words will open the floodgates and there will be no turning back. This is a good thing.
4) You might be surprised at the reactions you receive, especially from family. You will find supporters where you thought none would exist, and others may not know how to handle the news, but the dust will settle to reveal that life does indeed go on.
5) You might be surprised at who already knows. I was a very late bloomer, not having my first same-sex experience until I was 28. I’m not one to support stereotypes, but in my youth I liked to bake, I insisted on having a Barbie, I was a snappy dresser, I was in the drama club and hated sports, I went on to work for Clinique and then study fashion design. Everyone now jokes that I was the last to know I was gay. Go figure.
6) Coming out, at least for me, is an ongoing process. School friends, siblings, work friends, parents, colleagues, extended family, boss, neighbours, landlord, church members, doctor. The list goes on and on. I came out 12 years ago and am still surprised to encounter a situation where I have to come out, yet again.
So congratulations to those who have come out, and good luck to those that haven’t and remember that you’ll be a stronger person for it.
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My blog answers this very question. If you’re interested, it’s just a short story with a closing video I put together. The purpose of the video is to show that, despite the adversity I faced after my father kicked me out of the house, I still lived a very enriching & fulfilling life.
Enjoy!
http://www.robert365.com/www.robert365.com/Blog/Entries/2009/3/18_THIS_DATE_IN_HISTORY…_20_YEARS_AGO..html
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no advice because I have no closet to come out of. Your friends and family should love you irregardless of your preferences just know that you are loved.
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I was either 12 or 13, and my (former) best friend and I were jumping on her trampoline. It was fairly late at night and we were talking about our secrets. I told her I was bi. She flipped out and told her “boyfriend,” who is now my best friend.
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Eugene reply on November 9, 2009 1:06 pm:
That was a twist, lol : )
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I was 18. I had decided to wait until college. I did it on National Coming Out Day.
I told the people that I wanted them to know. There were a lot of people that I didn’t really care if they knew.
So my advice is decide who’s important in your life that you want to tell. Don’t feel that you owe anyone an explaination.
-eric
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I was 18, getting ready to head back to college after coming home for a weekend. My dad asked me if I was gay after meeting a friend of mine.
My best advice when coming out, remember it took you years to accept being gay, it may take the ones you come out to some time to accept it as well.
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I came out when I had 16, but only to my mother but I guess she told father and brother. I recently came out for two of my friends (I have 17 now). It is good to get it over with, but I must say that nobody should rush, especially if the surrounding is very, very homophobic (such as mine is). My advice would be for everyone to look for inner peace which will not depend on surrounding etc. Maybe I’ll came out totally one day, but I think that there is no need for yelling “I’m gay, I’m gay!” to everyone you come across. Still I haven’t came out to my best friend (brother of a my best girl friend who knows I’m gay) because I’m kind of afraid of reaction, but I hate lying so I think that I will have to speak with him soon. And when coming out, remember to give them some time…
Anyway, my advice is do not rush, do not feel bad about yourselves, and DO NOT be hard on close people to you, who accept you the way you are, but still think that your live will be less complicated if you weren’t gay, because, to be realistic, (in my case) it would be much less complicated.
Find a way to firstly deal with yourselves, and then deal with the surrounding. I wish you all good luck and all the best, M.
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I was 17 and told one of my best friends (the chattiest one) as I knew she’d be unable to keep it to herself and tell all my other friends without the awkwardness of having to have any kind of conversation with them myself and it turned out great.
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Davey Wavey.. I am moderator/owner for 178++ yahell Bi/Gay ALL male “BOOT” groups with 268,000++ gay guys..and I think MOST if not ALL would be offended by your use of the word “homo” in todays question…You may as well have used the words “fag”..”queer”..”faggot” too!…Ask a better question like..Should I use the words “homo”..”fag”..”queer”..and “faggot” to describe the guys reading this blog?..Am I too touchy?…Most gay guys are!…Love “your” David
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Jake reply on November 9, 2009 8:55 am:
Being a bit touchy are we not, since Davey is Gay himself, he can choose if he uses the word ‘homo’ if he was not gay it would be different, I am gay and use the word homo, you are just being over the top.
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Kipp white reply on November 9, 2009 1:29 pm:
Yeah, DAVID, a little too touchy. The best way to deal with “derogatory” labels is to take them over and subvert them. If somebody challenges me by saying something like “What are you, some kind of FAG?” I reply calmly “Yep, I’m the biggest fag you’ll meet today.” (I’m 6′4″, 225lbs. and work out a lot) That generally takes the wind out of their sails. If we respond to these words as though they are bad, we confirm their negativity. If we respond to them as just words, then that’s all they are, just words. I love being me, with all the little details that involves, including liking men. If somebody notices that I like men, it’s really not a big deal.
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gnjen reply on November 9, 2009 5:14 pm:
Come on, Dave, you are a freaking drama queen, really… I mean I am about to study Serbian language and I know much, much more synonyms (some may be offending) for gay than some homophobic guy. Pluralism is the richness of language and even vulgarisms are words (Miler knows best about it xD )… And those are just words, and sometimes it is more important how someone use them then which are the used words. I know some archaisms, too… and I think that if you are cool with yourself, you will have no problems with words. You might call me a fag (because I am fag actually) and I do not even find that offending, like I would care what some creep thinks about my sexuality. And Davey is really cute when using such words, like when he’s saying “I’m just another shirtless homo…” I mean he is one of the coolest and most open-minded guys on the freaking planet of ours… and he never was mean or something similar… And, yeah, dear Dave, you should first deal it with yourself, and then the words will not be such drama… Davey keep on, we love you! :* :*
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gnjen reply on November 9, 2009 5:27 pm:
P.S. “When man is happy, he is in harmony with himself” and when one is not in harmony with himself he’ll make drama out of nothing. xD
gnjen reply on November 9, 2009 5:29 pm:
P.S. “When man is happy, he is in harmony with himself” and when one is not in harmony with himself he’ll make drama out of nothing. xD as I said, you have to deal it with yourself first
Im not out! I need help! Im scared of how my friends and family will react!!!!
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Neil reply on November 9, 2009 9:45 am:
you need to have more confidence in yourself. then, whatever other people think will not matter as much, since they will see you are determined
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George reply on November 9, 2009 11:11 am:
It feels like siting an exam. The preparation for it can sometimes be long, and while walking in the examining room feels stressful. But when you begin, there is nothing that can stop you (unless you fall asleep that is) and when you finish you are amazingly relieved! You just need to have in mind that your parents love you the most in this world and they will still love you after coming out to them. As far as your friends are concerned, you will find support from most (if not all )of them. Remenber that, as long as it took you to realise that you are gay and being comfortable with it, it might take the same time for other people to be comfortable with it. Best of luck!
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I yelled it at my mother in a fight, and she started laughing. “You honestly thought I didn’t know?”
My friends also knew before I did, and they were absolutely ok with it.
What I think the best thing to do is to be totally ok with it yourself. If you are ok with being gay, so should everybody else.
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I came out at 15 to my mother, and everyone else as that year unfolded. I’m not exactly a rainbow on the best of days so there were a great deal of surprised people, though in the end it’s always worth it for that sense of self you receive. That being said. NEVER confuse your homosexuality with your identity.
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Neil reply on November 9, 2009 9:41 am:
agreed! When first coming out, I think all people overcompensate, but they soon realize that there’s other parts to life!
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Of course I’m really, really, really old - 70 in December. This is a world that is very different - to put it mildly - from when I was in my teens and twenties etc. However, it seems to me that like any part of growing up and growing into your self and the world around you, no one has the right to know any more about you than you choose to tell them. And what you choose to tell anyone and how and when, depends on your relationship with that person or those persons.
For many people much of the USA (as the rest of the world - and especially where it is in the grip of primitive superstition, that is religion) is laced with dangerous people, institutions and organizations who foment hatred and violence - churches and mosques in particular. I live in Florida - probably one of the most backward states in the union, filled with ignorance, superstition, and Christian superstition at its worst. People here have to be careful - they can lose their jobs and housing since there is no real protection of civil rights based on one’s sexual orientation. Much of the South is like this - ignorant masses of superstitious people singing hymns and spewing hatred.
California - at least the San Francisco Bay area - is a different world - a different planet. I lived there for many years. Moving to the Tampay Bay area of Florida was like moving back a hundred years - or more - into the dark ages.
So - come out to whom you can when you feel comfortable and when it is going to enhance your self and your humanity. I don’t believe in the idea that there is one rule that covers everyone - that is a denial of the individuality that makes us what and who we are.
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gnjen reply on November 10, 2009 4:47 am:
“Alignment in any group by any circumstances is a reductionism”, Danilo Kis
I agree on your opinion about the individuality…
***I’ve posted this on comment under by mistake…
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I came out at 16 but did not really accept myself for who I was until I was about 22. Those years were very hard. Even more so because I kept everything inside and did not share my feelings with anyone. This led to making bad choices, over indulging and just not living up to my own potential. That all changed one day, out of the blue, I realized I was happy with who I was and that being gay did not define me a man. My actions defined me as a man. My own self acceptance was instant. That was a great day!
Now at the age of 46, I have a wonderful partner, a great job, and the support of my entire family. This was not typical when I came out. However, in the age we live, this scenario is becoming common place. I think that says alot for our society. Yes we have a ways to go, and work to do, but Rome wasn’t built in a day either.
The best advice I can give anyone coming out is to simply be honest with yourself. Let your actions: in the community, at your workplace, in school and with your family define you as a person. Not what you do in the privacy of the bedroom.
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gnjen reply on November 9, 2009 5:22 pm:
“Alignment in any group by any circumstances is a reductionism”, Danilo Kis
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gnjen reply on November 10, 2009 4:45 am:
Oh, gosh, I’m sorry, that should have been reply to Leland’s post above… I’ve miss clicked I’ve just saw it… lol
P.S. I agree with you totally sexuality is just part of us…
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Well first of all it was 1962 and I started telling some friends and It seemed like they were shocked . I then left it on the self for 3 years . I was facing a minor surgery and decided to come out to my parents .
So I said ,”I have something to tell you , , , , to night , , , after dinner .”
I was home from college and having the operation that coming monday. ,” I said Mom ,Dad , I am a homosexual ,” Then my Mom said
,”Roy , my Dad’s name , , , what is a homosexual ,” Then Dad said ,”deary he likes men better than girls ,” Then Mom , , said ,” BUT YOU ARE SO HAIRY ,” .
She did come around but it took a while .
Every one I came out to took it at least as well as I thought they would , or better .
My advice come out slowly and one at a time , give them some personal space . Also remind them that you are still a person , just like them .
P.S. 2 OF THE FRIENDS i came out to did come out later , 2 ,3 years later . ONE of them is the best friend anyone could ever have in there entire life.
LOVE YOU BARRY ,
Not coming out is a small lie that reduces you to a life of secrets .
Famous quote ,”We are as sick as our secrets ,”
So from a 63 Year old man , “come out easy does it . ”
cheers , Love , Don Thebeau
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I came out to my mom in June (I felt forced into it at the time) I told her not to tell my dad but she told him that I am ‘confused’ as soon as I left the room, they have not said anything since and I am not sure what to do, I feel closeted again.
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Neil reply on November 9, 2009 9:39 am:
it’ll all smooth out with time. people regress sometimes when trying to deal with this stuff, but just keep reminding them that youre the same person and they therefore should still love you the same
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Haha well mine is a very interesting story. I first knew when I was in grade 10 so when I was 16. And my school introduces girls in year 10. So the first person I told was this girl that I meet on the bus and she was new at my school. It was our little secret for a whole year and she is still my rock. Then I met a new friend who also happened to be a girl. I worked with her and I ended up telling her cause I was atfraid that she liked me, and I didn’t want to leaded her on. I know how selfless of me……HA! It turns out that she didn’t like me OOOPPS then I came out to my close friends who then started pushing me out of closest by sneakling telling people. Until one day I got so feed up wit them talking behind my back that I did something that I don’t recomend, but it was interesting. I was in class and the toughest guy in my school was there. He said “so I hear that u r gay? Is this true?” and I finally said “yup sure is” I then braced for the offencsive comments that I assumed that would follow but everyone was so shocked all I got “ohhh cool” I then had to come out and confirm to the rest of my year and the rest of the school that I was indeed gay. And I think that it significantly helped my status. I know that’s an awful thing to say but it’s the truth. Over here in Australia every single teenage girl wants a gay best friend. So I became popular. But this really didn’t make me happy I couldn’t tell my parents. I was soo full of guilt. I mea. I had a younger sister who died whn we were both young and felt incredibly guilty that I lived and she didn’t. That she deserved to live more because she was able to give my parents a “normal” life. With kids etc. I then got all glommy and my mum picked up on it. She poked and proded until I was like “alright alright I’m gay!” she responded “well I wasn’t expecting that to be the source of the problem but I can’t say it’s a shocked to the system” I cried as I explained she cried because she was scared of aids for me and then she told my dad. And to this day I have never seen my dad cry but on that day he found out. And that still hurts me to the core! And it’s still a bit thingy! It does take a while. I have to say my friends are the ones who are totally cool wit it. Every time I meet someone new or am introduced to them i’m introduced as the gay kid. Lol thanks for ur time. Xoxoxox
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vlee reply on November 9, 2009 3:04 pm:
I have to agree as well that, the pain it caused my parents is the hardest thing. They cried so much. I love them so much and seeing them so upset over me is the worst torture. My mom didn’t sleep for three days! It kills me that they were so upset. They got over it and are nice about it now but they think homosexuality is a choice.
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4 years ago and the wife tried to kill herself (unsuccessfully) and the families blamed me back into the closet so I could take care of her, since neither family would have her…..
I love you Davey Wavey
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when I was either 16 or 17. MY best advice is just to expect the best. Someone WILL accept you, if not all of your contacts, and trust me, that acceptance will leave you floating on air for DAYS!!!!!
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I’m 27 … i’m not comed out yet
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I came out as bi when I was 14… That is, someone actually asked me about my preferences and I responded honestly. It wasn’t a huge deal and it was nice to get it out in the open. Then, later that year, I came out to my mom and she got super-upset, and she’s still been awkward about it (I’m 23 now) but she’s come to accept it (sort of). My siblings know because of facebook and myspace and everything, and I’m sure my dad knows from my mom.
My big thought on coming out? Don’t make it a huge deal unless it is to you. I’ve always looked at being bisexual as only a part of what I am rather than who I am, and I treat it accordingly. Be honest and don’t flaunt it (unless that’s who you are, in which case just be yourself).
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Different perspective here - I’m the mother of a 13 year old boy, and I am an ally to the gay population. I went to the National Equality march, and I worked for Maine. Last Wednesday night, I took my son aside and told him about the March and about Maine and why I was so upset. I then told him that if he should discover that he were gay, he could tell me and all would be well. I told him that as his mother, I would always give him a safe place to land. I then told him that if he discovered he were not gay, that I trusted him to treat his gay friends and colleagues with respect and dignity and give them the same safe place.
I don’t ever want him to be afraid of his mother, of being gay, or afraid to tell me anything. What else should I do?
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tony reply on November 9, 2009 11:27 am:
Thank You for being open minded and understanding. We need more people like you around.
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vlee reply on November 9, 2009 3:14 pm:
You’ve already done so much. This brought tears to my eyes. I’m 19 and ever since I came out 2 year ago, my mom hasn’t spoken to me like she used to. I miss it so much. I can’t really answer your question but as the son of a wonderful woman who hasn’t quite recovered from my coming out, I say be as candid and honest as possible in sharing your thoughts and opinions about life with your son. And I don’t mean that you should be open and candid only if your son is gay. I mean in normal life if he’s talking about his girlfriend, school, or religion, etc. Thank you for being such a wonderful example and fighting for equal rights. And thank you for sharing this personal story.
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Eugene reply on November 9, 2009 8:05 pm:
Thank you, I don’t want to tell my mom just because of the fact, i know she’s not open to this kind of stuff. but… i am thankful there are people like you who do understand, truly and sincerely, thank you!
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I was a very closeted Christian desperately praying to be made straight, but when I got into college everything changed. I was no longer in a small town, and I got to meet so many different people. Seeing first hand volunteering with relief organizations and hearing the stories of other Katrina victims changed my views on life all together. A sociology professor also helped me to slash some of my old stubborn ways by considering humanity itself and the idea that healthy same-sex relationships actually existed (I was very ignorant and throughly stuffed with the Bush doctrine). The concept of love taught to me by my parents and the church has stayed with me, and it is love that has helped my acceptance and me accepting myself.
I came out to my best friend first in my 2nd year in college. I had met my first love that January and decided to come out after years of denying it. While in the shower, I kept saying “I’m gay” to myself in an attempt to be ok with those words. I had been hiding my whole life and was just tired of pretending. She was shocked, but tried to be understanding. Mom was next. I sat down on the coach in my dorm with mom while dad sat out in the truck. I couldn’t handle telling both parents at the same time. I said, “Mom, I really need to tell you something very important. I’m really afraid to tell you, but I need to tell you. I’ve been so miserable and depressed because I’m withholding something that is a part of me. I’m gay.” Her response was, “You’re joking.” I told here, “I’m not joking mom, I’m being serious.” After a few minutes of painful silence she started to cry. If you’ve never seen your mother cry, it is a terrible site and gives an awful feeling in your gut. She blamed herself, and I did everything I could to assure her otherwise. I told her I’ve known since I was in elementary school. Some more time passed, but dad was waiting and I asked her to refrain from telling him because I was scared of his reaction. Of course she couldn’t refrain, and dad knew by the next week.
Dad called me, and his response was very surprising. He told me he loved me, and accepted me no matter what. By saying that, he said more in those words than anyone has ever said to me. My younger brother, also my best friend, was very accepting and said he knew. I then came out to a bi friend of mine. I found her support essential to my survival.
I live with my partner now, have a very supportive family, and am very happy. I no longer cry myself to sleep. My advice to those who want to come out:
1.)Consider your relationships with others, identify the people who you care about most, and then the people who care the most about you.
2.)Accept being gay yourself, and learn to not be ashamed. Read gay literature, watch gay movies, and learn about gay relationships.
3.)Discover the concept of universal love by helping others, and make friends with all kinds of people. Branch out.
4.)Tell one person at a time and in a setting you control.
5.)Realize it is not your fault, and expect bad reactions. You’re trying to be happy and live a better life for yourself. People who love you will understand.
6.)Stress love, be love, learn love, do love.
~Hope this helps. Lloyd.
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It is always better to be out, though you will have to accept that you may lose some acquaintances.
BUT, if you are underage and still living in your parent’s house, consider not coming out until you are no longer their responsibility. While you are with them, they feel everything that happens to you is their personal responsibility. Later, it’s easier to accept.
…and DON’T come out if they are likely to throw you out of the house or cease supporting you in college. You need that support and trying to get though life on your own in your early years can limit you for the rest of your life. You only hear about the success stories in the press.
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I was 22 or so. One thing about it is we act like it is a huge secret, that no one knows.
Sweetie, EVERYONE knows.
How will they react? That I can’t tell you. Many people lie to themselves about things all the time, it’s called denial. Reactions can range from ‘I know, I’ve known since you were 2″ to “You’re going to burn in hell”. People who react in a ‘negative’ way are usually reacting that way because their ‘reality’ which was based on denial has been shattered by your statement of truth.
Come out when you feel comfortable doing so. But don’t think no one knows.
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It was around six months ago. I was 21.
To cut a long story short, a lot of things had been building since I was 13. Eventually, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I cam out to my best friend at college in May. He was super supportive, and even helped me out to find someone who was gay that I could talk to. Interestingly enough, that guy too was a good friend of mine. We talked a lot and he helped me out big time. Still, I owe thanks to my best friend for listening and being super supportive.
As for advice, I’d say find someone to talk to that you trust your life to in any situation. That same person should be very supportive of you since he has stuck with you through thick and thin.
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On the contrary, coming out as some sort of ritual should be banned. Straights don’t do it. We only do it because we’ve been put in a box beforehand. Destroy the box by ignoring it. Tell people you’ve got a same-sex partner, and sod the label.
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I’ve read a lot of excellent posts here and a few sad ones. My experiences with this come from two sources, my own experience and the experiences of others whom I’ve helped.
From my experience I say this. The most important person you’ll come out to is yourself. For me this was rather difficult as I was raised in a small southern town by very religious parents. I struggled with the way I felt for at least 5 years before I learned the truth that finally freed me. If you believe in God and are told that “He” disapproves of homosexuality, then why did “He” make you gay? Christians often say that everything that happens is part of God’s plan. I finally realized that I’m the way I am because that’s the way I’m supposed to be. All these other people that don’t understand this are just wrong. After I finally realized this, telling my parents was much easier. Not that they accepted this fact without a lot of drama. My mother accepted me but always believed that my “lifestyle” (her phrasing) was sinful. My father was a bit more accepting but we never really discussed it later.
My experiences from the people I’ve helped with this have run the spectrum of reactions. Some had full acceptance by their friends and family. Some were told to leave the house, literally within minutes of telling their parents. (Again, this is in the south-eastern part of the US). In general, friends are usually more accepting. Parents may have strong initial reactions but most often eventually come around. Family members not directly in the household are the most likely to never accept (more distant relatives like uncles, aunts, etc.)
I came out to my family about 24 years ago so things have changed somewhat in that time. Broadly speaking, society is more accepting.
I firmly believe that coming out is the best gift you can give yourself, regardless of how others perceive you. And you should be aware and plan for the consequences, whether that’s with your family, friends or employment. If something does suddenly change, you have to move, get a new job, whatever, in the long view it will be an improvement not a detriment.
I wish for all of you the best.
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Leland reply on November 9, 2009 2:31 pm:
One of the most liberating things that people who were raised in religious superstition is simply to realize that there are no gods calling any shots. The Universe is utterly indifferent to you and to those who think there are gods controlling things. Whatever meaning you have in your life is meaning that you make.
If you want love in your life - you have to learn to give it. There is no god of love that is infusing things with love. Love is a thing that only sentient and self-aware beings can give and recieve.
Coming out of the serfdom and slavery of religion into the bright clear world of reason and science can be a great step in freeing yourself from the confines of heterosexism - built with and maintained by religious bigotry, superstition and exploitation.
Come out to yourself as a person freed from superstition and you have gone a great step toward coming out as being fully who you are - and sexual orientation - in the grand scheme of things - is only a major issue because heterosexist religious leaders has made it so. Most Christians, Jews and Muslims seem to think that their gods only bless heterosexuals stuck in an eternal missionary position.
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vlee reply on November 9, 2009 3:30 pm:
This is very true. For me, aside from having my family, the thing I am most thankful for is my release from Christianity. Until I was 14 or so I thought that everyone was born a Christian and than chose to either stick with Christianity or abandon it sinfully. Then finally, around when I was 17, I realized that religion is a BELIEF. It isn’t fact! Nor is it the natural state of things! Without Theism, there would be no atheism. Theism was created by human minds but for all of eternity, “atheism” was the natural state of things but it just didn’t have a name, nor does it need a name. Also, Christianity was what was keeping me from living a more fulfilling and happy like as an out gay guy.
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I was really lucky, I didn’t come out. I knew I was gay since my first wet dream and I felt okay with it. From then on I could care less what other people said about being gay and going to hell. Considering that I grew up in a very Catholic country, Mexico, and that I got all my education, until I entered Graduate school, from Catholic brothers who would tell me, at least once a month, that gay people were bad people, I never accepted their concept and thought of them as being completely wrong. I even managed, for a closeted country as Mexico is, or was when I was growing up, I managed to surround myself with many gay friends and a few tolerant straight ones. And when I entered the work force, I never hid from my work mates and bosses that I was gay. And to top it all, I never got a bad reaction from any of them. Being in Mexico back in the 60’s, that was a great accomplishment, I think. I consider myself very lucky to have grown up comfortable in my own skin from the time I recognized I liked people of my same sex, as opposed to most of the boys around me who preferred the opposite sex. My father and my sisters knew I was gay when I told them about it, it was my mother that threw as fit about it, and little by little she has come to accept me as I am, yet she is older now and she still has some difficulty accepting to having a gay son. That’s her problem. I’ve been in the US much longer than I spent in Mexico, I am a citizen of the USA and I am very, very proud to be an American. I think of my life in Mexico as a few years of education, learning to be free being gay, and learning to recognize other gay people even when the circumstances are all against you. I am very grateful for my years in Mexico, I am very grateful for my years in Catholic school, I learned a whole lot about how I was NOT supposed to be. And that has made my life in my adopted and beloved new country a lot easier.
Thank you, Davey, for asking us this question. I love the memories of my youth and my gayness coming out in two countries.
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Joe Blfstyk reply on November 9, 2009 11:08 pm:
You rock, dude. Srsly.
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Yes! - I too have never had to Come Out. I suspect many of the gays who agonise about coming out are really having problems about accepting their own orientation. But maybe I’ve just been very lucky…
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I started coming out to friends and family at age 17, when I went off to college and met my first partner.
My advice to anyone coming out is to make sure you have a back up support system in case your primary support system which is usually parents and family rejects you.
My coming out process was easy and everyone was accepting, but I know many people who were rejected by their family and suddenly found themselves on their own.
Once you do come out to everyone, it’s like a burden has been lifted from your soul. You have a new found freedom to explore your life openly and without secrets.
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i’ve just come out 2 weeks ago!!!
Well, im still in the process, i met a fabulous man and get the courage to came out. The first person i came with was my best friend, then to another friend and then my cousin. It has been very easy, just let the things happen and the best moment will come by itself.`
Just be youself, that is it!
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I came out about 3 years ago as I was studying to be a catholic priest. Coming out in the seminary is not the greatest thing todo. I have left the seminary and I am looking into other religions that are more Gay friendly, if they are out there. But the advice I would give to anyone coming out and grew up catholic is to attempt to reconcile with the church. Most of us cannot and end up leaving. Don’t feel that you are going to go to hell if you leave because staying in a religion that thinks you should not be who you are is hell and not a way to live your life.
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Well, I’d like to say that people around me don’t really care if somebody is gay. I only heard people saying things like that : “he’s gay; he’s living with X in the apartment upstairs; you will see how nice they are; they will come for dinner on Saturday!”. So, I won’t say somebody is less accepted because he’s gay or more because he’s straight; he’s accepted and appreciated because of his own qualities as a neighbor or friend, and after all that’s all that count for me and lots of people out here think the same.
bye,
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I came out on accident 2 years ago when I was in high school. I met my first gay friend, we fell in love, and he gave me a huge hickey on my neck. I, who was utterly ignorant, had no idea what a hickey was and didn’t think anyone would notice. That night my dad asked me who gave me the hickey and I lied, saying I fell off the bed… He knew who it was because he knew who the last person I had been with was… Extremely disturbed, he told me we would talk about this tomorrow and that he was going to tell mom.
I barely slept I was so nervous. I had finally come to terms with being gay and was NOT planning on telling my parents until I could support myself. Next evening, my dad, who is a very level-headed but conservative Christian, lectured me for three hours on homosexuality and the bible. He asked if I was still gay. I told him that I could not see myself creating a family with a woman. That night, my mom came into the room and sat down against the wall, bawling, blaming herself that I was going to die of AIDS. It was the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced- being the cause of my mother’s tears. She was hysterical and told me she hadn’t slept last night after my dad told her and that she’d been crying since. She told me she wished she could have been a better mother… But I thought she was the best mother I could ever have. I cried so much. I physically felt pain from the regret and guilt over my mom. She didn’t sleep for two nights. After that I went to three counseling sessions with the church pastor until he told me to accept or reject Christ. I told him I was rejected Christ and I went home.
I was happier than I ever had been after I got out of the church. Things calmed down in about five weeks but I didn’t talk much to my parents or two older sisters for a few months. My friends who knew supported me. My family tolerates me being gay now and we all love each other but now our conversations are strained and difficult to get through. I’m in college now and life is great here but, what I really want is for my family to be the same. I have a great boyfriend that my family oddly likes a lot. I met him when I came to college and we’ve been together for 13 months. One day we’re gonna get married.
ANYWAY, my advice on coming out:
Good luck.
1: Don’t let your loved ones find out indirectly. Tell them yourself. I think it subtly shows your love for them.
2: Don’t let people walk on you. Stay strong and stand up for yourself.
3: Do it soon and do it always. Worrying isn’t bad but it gets better and the sooner you do it, the sooner it gets better, a lot better. Also, coming out isn’t a one time process. You do it with everyone you intend on becoming close to, so it never stops. You just get better and more confident at it.
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Bruno Lucas reply on November 9, 2009 5:36 pm:
VLee,
I liked your story very much. And i hope you and your boyfriend get married
I agree with your advice as well.
Big hug
Lucas
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Hello blog budies and Davey,
I think i came out at 15 YO. My advice:
You don’t need to say it out loud you are gay or lesbian but live your life without that fear of being gay or lesbian.
Live, love, smile, dream, feel, listen to the music and be real with yourself!
Hugs and kisses from Portugal
Lucas
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so, ive been reading all these advice comments, and its all just a big blob of words to me. some say to get it over with, others say to do it when you are ready, tell people directly, tell your friends first, tell your parents first etc. etc. honestly this this seems to me like a big waste of effort and it just adds extra stress. i personally dont want to tell anyone (although i have told one person), what benefit is there? others know about your sexual preference? its just another reason for people to dislike you. i know i know, dont try and please everyone, im not, i like it in the closet, im pretty comfortable here and dont really plan on venturing out. i dont know, maybe im just being really stupid.
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Kipp white reply on November 9, 2009 6:32 pm:
No, I wouldn’t say you’re being stupid. The only one who can make these kinds of decisions for you is you. On one level you’re right, there is no need to tell the vast majority of people. You don’t plan on being intimate with them so who you are intimate with is your business, not theirs. On another level there is the concept of accepting who you are. If you have to pretend you’re something that you’re not then it can become a problem.
For somebody like me there is also the concept of others. I am pretty open about who I am because I know there are those that don’t feel comfortable being so open. I’m sort of a poster boy for being out. “Yes, I’m bi and I’m ok with anybody knowing it” Where I used to live I knew a lot of people who felt intimidated by people who were homophobic. Being a big guy, it is part of my personality to show people who aren’t out that they don’t have to be afraid or intimidated. And yes, nobody asked me to do this, I just like doing it. That probably means I’m a bit confrontational about being out but that’s just where and who I am right now.
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first: I don´t think that each gay in the world is obligated to come out of the closet. it´s a personal decision, but it´s true: when people around you knows exactly who you are the things are completely different, you feel relief, there´s nothing better like being in life without a mascarade. that´s the best way to have and keep a relationship with your family and friends. by the way, I came out when I was 21. I was in love with. So if someone wants to come out, my best advice would be: think about it really, but really well because there´s no turning back, if you feel prepared and ready: do it. as Madonna says: I don´t know what you´re waiting for…. Hugs!!!!
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I’m in grade 12 right now, and I’ve just recently come to terms with the fact that I’m bi. Not that it bothered me at all, just that I didn’t really realize it before. I’ve come out to only a couple of really close friends, one who I only know over the internet and who I actually came out to first, and that was the easiest. I don’t know how or when I’m going to tell my mom and her fiance. Maybe never… but I just got back from a GSA art show, and I got a few buttons. GOT PRIDE?; NO H8; and bi pride. The last one is sitting in my dresser drawer right now. I’ll put it on my backpack with the others when I come out to everyone.
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I came out about 20 years ago. I wrote a letter to my parents, but I didn’t send it. I drove 400 miles home, told them in person, and then gave them the letter - I wanted to ensure that I said what I wanted to say. I also gave them the book, “Now that you know”. They loved it, love me, and it was never an issue after that.
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I think if you can come out when your younger, it’s somewhat easier. Thankfully I come from a very understanding family, and my mom is also gay and my dad passed away a few years ago. But none the less I still struggled with coming out the my friends and the rest of my family. My advice is to get it over with when your younger, and ready. I think that it would make life much easier in the future then living a secret life. And be confident, I’m only 18, and coming out has giving me more confidence and has allowed me to be myself… rather than hiding “in the closet”
XOXO B
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When I was 17 I fell in love with a girl, but I always liked boys. I came out of my closet last June at my 19 years-old to three of my friends because I fell in love with this beautiful boy that makes me shiver, I told it to N. first because she would react as I would do with someone else, second I told it to E. and everything was ok. I told to H. and it was all terrible, she just freak out and ran away, she was in love with me and now she hates me and tried to take revenge on me. I haven’t say anything to my parents, I’m their only child, so I’m afraid to hurt them, especially my dad, who grew up in the country. So I have this nightmares where I come out to my parents and they react pretty bad, I also have dreams with the I liked.
I don’t know what to do because I’m very afraid of what could happen…
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I was only 5 when I knew I was different. I kept this secret until I was in Law School and was teaching in college. I came out when I was past 30 and found myself freed from the shackles……that’s when I fllaunted my imperfection yet I found absolute happiness being open with my sexuality. Yes, it was not an easy breeze, I encountered countless criticisms, bigotry and prejudice. I was hurt, scorned, my ego lambasted yet I turned out victor having been out and free to shoout to the whole world who I am and I what I am.
The only regret I had is that I came out late, I should have liberated myself earlier, but, well, maybe time had a purpose. So, I wwould like to tell everyone out there to get out sooner, be yourself and be proud for what we are…….
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Awesome thread. Coming out is such an individual thing, depending on time, place, family and self-image. You guys all have my love and respect, especially those who came out knowing the consequences could be brutal.
Let us never forget the Matthew Shepards of the world who gave their lives so that we may live ours more freely. Respect.
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When your in high school it seems like a very big deal and it is. It seems that everyone in school is against it but thats b/c high schools are so close knit. When you get to college its much easier b/c you are away from all those people, you can be the person you want to, and find the people who will accept you. Plus no one really give a flying fuck in college b/c they are too busy with other shit whereas in high school no one has anything to do so they gossip and hate on people.
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I’ve been slowly coming out for the last 3years now. First to my friends and sisters and finally this August (the 16th to be exact) I came out to my parents. Funny thing was, my mother knew. A mother knows her child was her answer. Seeing my fathers reaction was one of the hardest things. I saw him crying for the first time in my life. And my mother saw him crying for the first time during their 35 years of marriage.
But the coming out went well. Better than I ever thought. They were happy for me that I was so ok with myself and sad that I didn’t come out to them earlier.
Now my relationship with my parents is better. Atleast with my mother. I can talk to her about my relationships and she gives me advice (what she’s been waiting for a long time :P). My dad and I are talking but the fact that I’m gay is not a discussion topic with him. It’s going to take him more time. He’ll be ok.
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I sort of got outed. Friend of my fathers saw me and SO going into a gay club. He called my father, my father calls me and I acknowledge that I’m gay.
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I came out after leaving the Seminary, hell it was hard.I battled with myself for weeks before I actually had the courage to tell my family. Dad just accepted; Mum, well that was a different kettle of fish.
You see I was one year away from being ordained as Catholic Priest…Mum didn’t want to know me my sisters and brother accepted.Now I am just that strange uncle/brother/son…they love me.
My advice is timeless…Unto thine own self be true.
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I came out to my best friend in college. It was really difficult and really just sort of happened unplanned. There was a lot of emotion and mixed feelings. He was (and is more so now) pretty religious at the time, so it took him a while for him to accept it. We ended up having some really open conversations about it, and we are good friends to this day. He’s one of the few who know, though. But even with people I’ve told, I get the sense that the topic is still taboo. Yeah we can joke about it, but there’s no meaningful conversations about it. It’s definitely uncomfortable for me to open up about it. I guess I’m still not comfortable with it myself. I don’t want to be seen as a stereotypical gay guy. I don’t want to be perceived as “gay,” I just want people to accept or dislike me for me. I have some new friends in my life I’ve thought about telling, but I haven’t. I never lie and pretend I’m straight, but I definitely never talk about my sex life or attraction to men. I just wish coming out didn’t have to be such a big deal. I’m so much more than gay, and I’d hate to make a big production of that one aspect of my life. Sorry, I’m rambling now. For me, I stepped one foot out of the closet door years ago, and I’ve been stuck in the door frame ever since. It was a comfortable spot for a while. Now, I’m not so sure if I can stay here.
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I wish I could articulate this better, but here goes. I don’t really belive in the whole coming out idea. I am gay, I knew it when I was 7 or 8 yrs. old. That would have to be my coming out, just the self realization! I feel no need to tell anyone, unless they ask. What does a persons sexuallity really have to do with who they are?
As far as advice; Love, respect, and know who YOU are. That’s all that matters when you get down to it. Plz correct me if I’m wrong!
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Coming out to myself was a hell of a lot harder than coming out to others. I don’t think anyone could have helped me come out to myself and I’m assuming your readers are already out to themselves. So my advice when coming out to others is to assume most people already know. They’re just being polite and waiting for you to them yourself. I didn’t lose any friends or family and you probably won’t either.
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I first came out to my friends when I was 16. All of my friends were so very accepting. But to this day, I still haven’t come out to my parents. I will, but not now.
I was so terrified when even thinking of coming out, it feels like so long ago, that I can barely even remember being IN the closet with my friends. But trust me and everyone else, you’ll feel great once you’ve come out to your friends. I’ve still to find out how it feels when coming out to your parents.
The best advice I can think of is just to know that when you do come out, you will find out who really cares about you and who you can trust. You’ll end up playing a million different scenarios in your mind, and chances are it won’t be as bad as you mightve though.
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Being gay is a gift, or so i say- i always knew i was gay. i tried dating girls, it didnt work out. during my senior year in high school i dated this guy who was 21 and i was 17 at the time. i knew it was right, that being gay is who i was.
so i decided to tell my best friend maira. we were in english class and well like somehow while texting we got to the gay topic. i kinda told her i was gay but she had this negative reaction to it. so i quickly changed the subject.
that same year on dec 23 2007 i decided to tell my sisters both, they took it well. and it was great. i was excited.
on february 24 2008 i decided that the time was right to tell my mom. me and her are really close and felt that she needed to know who i really was. i was so nervous and i couldnt think, my heart was beating so fast and i literally wanted to cry. as she was in her room i laid on her bed and asked her to sit down. then i asked her “do you love me, and if so how much?” she then replied “my love for you and your sisters doesnt have an amount, just know that i love and care for all of you, why do you ask that. so then i said was i was there to tell her “mom im gay, i like boys, and i hope you still love me”. she was silent and i did not say anything anymore. she then went on and said that she accepted me no matter what and that she loved me whether i liked boys or not….
after that i slowly started telling my other friends who took it amazingly well.
now back to maira. we had now graduated and we were now in college. funny thing is that we had shopping for christmas and somehow ended in a porn shop. i stated that i was going to buy some dvds for a gay friend of mine and well,,,,,,later that night me and her were texting and she brings up the topic about the movies. she asked me if i was curious in watching them…thats when i knew i had to try and tell her again since i was almost a year since the first time i had tried to tell her. so i was so scared and i knew i couldnt tell her in person because i was scared of the reaction…so i sent her this long text message and in that message i kinda briefly explained my situation- finally at the end of it i wrote “im gay”
she was really really really supportive of me and how she could understand why i didnt tell her in person. it worked out great. she is still my BFF for LIFEEEE (its a saying that me and her have lol)
so then comes the hard part of telling my really good straight guy friend….. we have been making plans of moving out for a while now. so then a few weeks ago we decided that we wanted to rent a house. and i knew that i was not going to want to hid my true self from him. i wanted to live in my own home and be able to bring boys over as thats the whole point of moving out- bringing who you want over to your place…
so we were in the car and i knew i was going to prolly cry (which i didnt) but finally let him know “there is something that i need to tell you before we move out. i dont know how you will take this but i must tell you before we decide on moving in together…..”_____, im gay. we are making plans on moving in together but im gay and i need you to know that. i dont have any intentions of making moves on you. i care for you like a brother. his immediate responce with a smile on his face was “wow i have a gay friend? thats amazing. never had i had a friend that was gay and for you who weve been friends for such a long time to be gay is amazing”
i was so relieved at seeing and hearing his reacting. since tellin him he does ask me questions and wants to know about me and my life which is great.
i went on date a few days ago and wanted to know all the details on how it went and what not.
overall its been an amazing experience as far as my coming out. have amazing people in my life. oh and my moving plans with my friend are almost a go
i have refrained from telling my dad who i really am. just in the sense that he is a very conservative Mexican dad who doesnt understand todays events. im sure that i will eventually tell him….when? when i know im ready.
some good tips that i would like to share with all are
1. if you are going to tell someone that your gay, make sure you know who you are telling. dont assume anything as sometimes you may get the opposite reaction of what you were expecting
2. come out when you know you are ready. not when you think your ready
3. dont let anyone push you on coming out. its your life, your decision.
4. be brave and dont let anything from stopping you from telling the ones you love as not doing so will make it harder for you in the sense that your let more time come between you and what your trying to accomplish.
5. live life, have fun, and be safe.
thank you all for listening. greetings from california!
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I came out this year at age 25. It took years to accept it in myself. My biggest fear, I think, was having other people know. I felt I couldn’t experiment openly. My advice is this: be yourself. The ones who know and love you best already know you’re gay. Certainly, the confirmation will be difficult for some. Let’s not kid ourselves. At the end of the day, though, you will find that people will be proud of your courage to be yourself.
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i came out when i was 14 some of my “family” freaked out royally, but one thing that i could give as advise is you find out who truly matters to you and the same way to friends/family. I would suggest coming out to friends first and get some support built up then go and tell your parents. that way if things go bad with them you have people that can help you through it
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I came out to my parents last week, it was the best thing i could’ve done in my life. it is soo nice not having to worry about hiding who i am any more. I have a hard time sharing my emotions with my family or anyone, so i wrote my parents a letter describing what who i am and what i want from them. i gave it to them in person and was there when they read it. after talking about it and answering questions they had, i left and gave them time to reread the letter and discuss whatever they wanted to. for me, that was the best time and thing to do, everyone is different.
I live in Idaho, it is famous for parents disowning their kids when they find out they’re gay. My parents are doing amazingly well.
Advice!! Don’t Rush It! wait patiently for the right time. Dont tell them in anger! and if you have something else you want to tell them (like my new Dog that they didn’t know about) it is a great time to tell them. lol
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Okay, there’s really two ways to come out, to your friends/acquaintances, and to your family.
The first one for me was really easy. I knew my friends cared about me and liked me for me, and they accepted it easy. I have no problem telling new people I meet when relationships come up.
Family for me was hard, because when you’re living with them, you hear stories of parents disowning their children over it. Most people don’t have to worry about this. I worried about it, and the original plan was to tell them when I was 18 and moving out. My dad found out early. One day he read something I posted online and asked, and I didn’t deny. He said he was okay with it at first and freaked out later. He’s still iffy about it but it’s so relieving to have that off your chest that I don’t mind much.
My mom found out when she caught my boyfriend and I cuddling while I played video games. I had a hunch that she knew, so when she walked by and didn’t say anything, I yelled “Mom you know I’m gay right?” She replied from the other room “Yeah and I knew last time you dated too.”
So the point I’m getting at I guess is, it’s going to come out some time, and in all respects you kind of have to hope it does, because secrets eat away at you bad. Just get it out. If your parents love you, they’ll either love it and live with it, or they’ll live with it.
I think keeping it in is more harmful than it is good to your relationship with them, but you know your relationships with people better than anyone else can. Go by your relationship with someone as to how/when you tell them, not by whether or not you think they’re okay with gays.
*man I need to learn how to condense lol.*
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i’m 26. i was raised mormon, and it took me a long time to accept who i am. only started coming out this january, to friends, but i had a few gay friends who knew before that, as well as a few of my closer friends who knew before i told them. my family doesn’t know yet, and it kills me. i’ve been doing some research on how to do such a thing, but the more i do the more anxious i become. it’s a given that they won’t take it well. understatement of the century. but most of my friends know, i’m out at work, and in both cases i haven’t had any problems, even among my rather conservative friends. they all think i’m weird, but that has nothing to do with being gay. =) being able to be open with these people, not having to hide myself — it’s made me the happiest i’ve been in a very long time. how did i do it? i just did. with almost all of my friends, especially the religious ones, i told them in person, one at a time. that seemed to work well, because they couldn’t feel betrayed by hearing it from someone else. the most difficult part was convincing them that i wasn’t joking. =)
now to tell the ‘rents. . .
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So.. woah, it’s funny when you think of it but hell it wasn’t funny back then. To be honest, Going out is a process which i don’t think we will ever be free of since not everybody knows (like we sometimes think they do) that we are in fact Gay. Well at least I am ,so… yeah. I “came out” to my mother when I was 13. I remember that she was driving and when she got a red light I just said it “Mom… I’m gay”. I didn’t knew what else to say, it was just an awkward moment. Then she started laughing and told me while still smiling “Haha, I knew it”. I don’t think there will ever be another awkward moment like that one ever again in my life, but yeah. About six months later I came out to my dad, by doing the same but with way more confidence since I was used to it already. But to my surprise he asked me “Are you a virgin”. Obviously, I stayed silent (and I was by then but the question was just… awkward). After dead seconds of awkard silence he tells me “You know, it hurts up your ass”. I wonder how he would know that and why I just can’t agree with him in that last statement.
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I’m 13, and I think my parent are suspicious, but what do I do. PLZ RESPOND!!!
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Eugene reply on November 28, 2009 12:40 am:
It’d very tough, mine thought i was so i just kept passing it off and or laughing it off. and it seemed to have worked. I am also still in (17) and am also very scared to tell anyone v/c of the city i live in there not very open to this kind of “Lifestyle”. but see if ignoring them or bringing up the occasional girl will help to lol, sends their mind another way, lol. if you want to talk, you can e-mail me, Brasskid@yahoo.com
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