If you look closely, you can see the naked homeless man among the cliffs.
Yesterday, I visited a beautiful black sand beach on the Hawaiian coast with some of the other yoga retreat participants from Kalani. But it’s not the beach that I’ll remember so much as the naked homeless man that inhabited it.
Picture this: Massive waves, arching coconut trees, wild orchids, lava rock cliffs and rich, ebony-colored sand; the beach was stunning. So stunning that, some ten or fifteen years ago, a young man visited and decided that he never wanted to leave.
When you look at the naked homeless man from the front, his long, unkempt beard – rivaling that of Tom Hanks in Castaway – signals that this man is quite old. But when you view the naked homeless man from behind, his firm, tight buttocks revels that he is actually quite young. Perhaps in his mid 30s.
In my mind’s eye, the naked homeless man forages the forest for food – eating the coconut meat, trapping small animals and feasting on wilds fruits and avocados. Indeed, if ever there was land to live off of, it is this vibrant Hawaiian rainforest. Though he spends his day quickly darting across the beach, occasionally swimming and hiding along the sharp, jagged black cliffs, I imagine he must sleep in some homemade hut or underneath an overhang.
But here’s the best part: If you approach the naked homeless man, he’ll try to seduce you. As wonderful as ten years on the beach may be, there is no Grindr – and alas, it can make for a sexually frustrating experience. When you walk by the naked man, he’ll chant out, “Do you want me to blow you? Do you want to do me in the butt?” Thought a bit jarring, you can’t help but appreciate his shamelessness.
Whether or not this strategy is working for the naked homeless man, I know not. From a marketing perspective, I suspect that he’d have more success after a good trim – but who can say for sure?
What I do know is that the naked homeless man, in and of itself, made my Hawaiian adventure totally worthwhile.
October 26, 2011 at 12:37 pm
Naked Homeless man! with a nice arse! why didn’t you take a picture and post it here?
October 26, 2011 at 12:41 pm
I love the story! Wish there was a pic!
October 26, 2011 at 12:46 pm
I want to see!
October 26, 2011 at 3:27 pm
Reminds me of a Honey Badger. Naked Homeless Man don’t give a s**t!
October 27, 2011 at 6:40 am
Hahaha! I love that.
October 26, 2011 at 6:02 pm
I wonder how he files his income taxes. LOL
October 26, 2011 at 7:00 pm
I live this because it’s not that can’t find a home to live it but he chose to live by the earth like we were intended to do. Personally I don’t blame him. I would pass up my life for his right about now. Plus I wouldn’t mind having a neighbor that would be asking for sex. (;
October 26, 2011 at 7:01 pm
Don’t you have a zoom on that camera? I do understand that you wanted to stay far away from that guy but we can just barely see him! Are you taunting us Davey?
October 27, 2011 at 11:29 am
This is actually more difficult than Where’s Waldo. I still haven’t found him.
October 26, 2011 at 10:35 pm
For me its balmy airs are always blowing, its summer seas flashing in the sun; the pulsing of its surf is in my ear; I can see its garlanded crags, its leaping cascades, its plumy palms drowsing by the shore, its remote summits floating like islands above the cloud-rack; I can feel the spirit of its woody solitudes, I hear the plashing of the brooks; in my nostrils still lives the breath of flowers that perished twenty years ago.
- Mark Twain, a Biography
Davey,
I thought you might appreciate this.
Mark
October 28, 2011 at 4:33 am
Mark,
I thought you were a poet until I got to the Mark Twain citation. In any case, it’s beautiful prose. Thanks.
October 27, 2011 at 2:17 am
Give me his address.
October 27, 2011 at 11:42 am
A true eccentric. This reminds me of the homeless man who lives in the foothills above Santa Fe, N.M. We would occasionally see him walking in town. He has a long beard, a walking stick and is always seen wearing a long skirt. In Far West Texas, where I now live, we had the “burro lady,” an older homeless woman who was usually seen on her burro or resting along the side of the road with her burro. She traveled the highways throughout the Big Bend area. She lived that way by choice, not necessity. She passed several years ago. There were a number of stories in the local press about her life after she passed. The locals all miss her.
October 27, 2011 at 11:44 am
My feelings range from arousal and intrigue to sadness and empathy. I was cool with the concept until he started making sexual comments and then I realize he is mentally ill, probably borderline. How sad that so many mentally ill people are on the streets (or beaches).
October 27, 2011 at 11:46 am
You impersonalize the homeless man when you refer to him as “it” in one sentence and “that” in another.
October 27, 2011 at 2:57 pm
The reality differs from the fantasy you have created. He’s well beyond his 30′s, also asks if you have accepted Jesus Christ as your savior among other things. Rumor has it he is an ex NASA scientist. His body is tight, the blurry image is better for the story.
October 27, 2011 at 5:16 pm
What a wonderful post, full of charm. I loved it. Just goes to prove no matter how much money is spend by tourist offices and groups the best advert for an area is rarely written about and found mostly by accident.
October 28, 2011 at 4:24 am
And there you are. On the beach no less.
October 27, 2011 at 6:39 pm
you’re at kehena! swing from the vines for me!!
October 27, 2011 at 9:29 pm
Hehe, a naked homeless man only needing sex from his fellow man. All other things he needs is of the land.
Very interesting.
October 28, 2011 at 1:04 pm
I’m so glad someone finally wrote about him.
Just for the record, he told me that ripe breadfruit makes a great lubricant.
October 30, 2011 at 4:19 am
Having spent lots of time at Kehena Beach as a visitor, I know the man you’re talking about. He was there the first time I visited – more than 8 years ago – as well as the last time – about 1 year ago. Kehena is a great beach but the swimming can be treacherous; about 2 years ago, I witnessed this man respond immediately when someone began yelling for help in the water. He was in the water in no time with a boogie board in tow…and quickly returned with the distressed Brit.
I must say that I’ve never heard him proposition anyone; in fact, I’ve only seen him chat quietly with other locals. You must be special.
October 30, 2011 at 10:42 pm
ok-whats reason number-432?