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February 3, 2012
by Davey Wavey

“Don’t Act on Your Feelings.”

This morning, I received an email from a blog buddy that claims to have a good relationship with his parents. The parents are very religious and know that their son is gay, but they don’t want him to act on his feelings. He wants to date other guys, but his parents are strongly against it.

I have a few words to share on the subject.

We all experience a wide range of feelings throughout the day. We can be happy or sad or angry or elated. Sometimes we act on those feelings. When we’re happy, maybe we jump up and down. And sometimes we don’t act on those feelings. When we’re angry, we may decide it’s not a good idea to smash the bathroom mirror.

But let’s be clear, being gay is not a feeling. It is part of who you are. Feelings come and go, but being attracted to men isn’t something that will pass.

When your parents say that they don’t want you to act on your “gay” feelings, what they are really saying is that they don’t want you to be true to who you are. And life is far too short to be anything less than authentic.

When God, the universe – or whatever label you may use – created you, it certainly wasn’t a mistake. Above and beyond all your talents and abilities, God gave you a very special gift. And that gift is your sexuality. To experience the fullness of human life, it is important to celebrate and embrace all aspects of who you are. Being gay included.


  1. I’d argue sexuality is far less important. You were destined to log. I don’t think your sexuality would alter your path too much. It was clearly established for a reason, but it is definitely not “above and beyond” the things that really make you special.

  2. Totally agree!

    I got the same message from my mom when I came out, and it was very frustrating, since I wasn’t even sure how to respond to her at the time.

    Let’s hope more young people see this video and are more able to respond to their parents when they hear this, than I was at the time.

    Thanks, Daveywavey!

  3. Beautifully stated Davey. I’m gay and Catholic and I don’t believe that our Creator makes mistakes either…

    • we are gifts from God-and God doesnt make mistakes.well said-and its been my theme all year.my thoughts are your thoughts.thanks to you Seth.

  4. Many gay men have suppressed their “feelings” in order to please others. Doing so often leads to a life of alcoholism, drug addiction and depression, and sometimes to suicide. Make no mistake about it: your blog buddy’s parents are NOT being supportive of the son they have, only of the son they would like to have. Locking a son in the closet is the opposite of loving him.

  5. I don’t totally agree with this. I think everyone should make a moral judgement that being gay is healthy and beautiful, rather than justifying what they do by saying gayness is natural. There are a lot of natural urges or desires that you believe should be suppressed. Some people have natural urges to rape or murder. It may be very detrimental to them to suppress that urge. Ultimately, whether they should do it or not is not about whether the urge is natural but whether the urge is to do something that is morally justified. Gay sex or a gay relationship is definitely morally justified.

  6. Davey and Seth,

    You are both correct. An aspect of who we are is our gayness. The Blog Buddy whom you describe may have come from a Catholic guy like Seth.

    Official Catholic teaching readily admits and affirms that some ppl are homosexual and however it came about, the orientation is deep seated and unchangeable. It clearly preaches, but in practice avoids, it’s teaching that gays are to be respected and not discriminated against in employment, housing, etc.

    However, the ONLY sexual behavior are those acts leading to and ending in heterosexual vaginal intercourse “open to procreation.” Thus masturbation, and any sex at all between people who are not heterosexual and married is considered morally evil and sinful in the “objective” order. Thus, any sex between unmarried str8s or between gays are just plain wrong.

    Thus all people except married str8 couples are to live a celibate life. There are a number of reasons for this stance:
    1) a philosophy strongly influenced by Aristotle and Thomas Aquinas that universal concepts/principles never change. It also makes a strong distinction between “subject and object.
    2) Following Augustine of Hippo, who believed that the ONLY justification for sex is procreation.
    3) The foundation of RCC official teaching starts with a physicality argument that constructs it argument based of physical heterosexual intercourse. In other words, if the man cannot insert his penis into the woman and ejaculate there, he may not marry. That is, there can be no valid marriage for him. Since gays cannot produce children they also can not validly marry.

    What the offical RCC does NOT do is begin with individuals and LOVE. There are a number of Catholic theologians who take a more “peronalistic” approach. The begin with people in relationship with each other with each other in a historical and cultural setting. For these thinkers, whether sexual behavior is moral or not depends on the nature of the relationship. This means that if two men love each other, marriage is very possible and needs to be fruitful in some way.

    This is the context within Seth and possibly the “Blog buddy” are operating.

    However, this raises a very contentious issue with in the gay community itself: “What, if any way, are sex and love connected. There are those who believe that sex and love are distinct realities and do not need to go together. For example recreational sex is very legitimate. Others believe that sex and love are essentially connected. There is a willingness here to admit that the connection between sex and love might be weakly tied together at first but the people are seeking both.

    So do any of you guys have an opion on this issue?

    • Rule #1 ~ Never discuss politics.
      Rule #2 ~ Never discuss religion.
      Rule #3 ~ Agree to disagree.

    • @Sebby:
      You say what you say really well.However the conflict between the Church’s teachings on theory/belief and on practice[day to day reality bother me tremendously.Saying respect people for who they are is great,but to prohibit their acting on their identity by doing what comes naturally?
      That is unrealistic,and by producing feelings of guilt:counter-poductive.
      It seems similar to the doctrine on birth control,where anything other than the “rhythm”method is forbidden.The results?_Tragic:Women having more chidden than they want,having children they can’t support,having no choice about when a child is born.Some suffer physical damage,even death
      because of the number,and/or frequency of their pregnancies.Many who resort to artificial,or medical birth control feel tremendous guilt.My point is that in both cases,doctrine,however lofty,which refuses to accept reality is both wrong,and bound to fail.

  7. Sebby,
    That indeed is the context of my statement. It still amazes me that the issues among “Christian folk” is still prevelant today. I believe that love and sexuality are intrinsically connected. Sex for sex sake is…… like tasting a pie instead of sitting down for desert with whipped cream & icecream. There is temporary satisfaction without the Fullness of the whole experience. Not to say I’ve never had sex without being intimate, but I have grown to see that without the element of Love I’m selfishly pursuing an end. When Love is there between the 2, it becomes an act of selflessly giving oneself to another for mutual pleasure and a deeper connection of them …. ?

  8. Isn’t asking your child to NOT be who he is an act of hate rather than love?

    • People who feel strongly about issues like this feel they’re doing it out of love for the child. They justify their lines of reasoning as doing it for the child’s own good by protecting him from a life of immorality and sin. They are saving his immortal soul by curtailing his earthly pleasures. It’s no different, essentially, than parents who try to stop their kids from being promiscuous or from eating too much or smoking except that all three of those cases come with major risks. The parents are so beholden to their beliefs and unwilling to change or to accept that they might not be “the truth” that they feel they’re doing what’s best. And I believe they do it out of love, however misguided their actions may seem.

      One thing I learned through my training as a professional coach: People always do the very best they can with what they have in their lives at any given time. The choices they make and the things they do seem to be the best things given what they know. Fortunately with help and with subtle influence people can change and accept. And that takes time.

  9. Hey, Davey, if you know any teenage kids that are homeless or are having trouble with their parents because they have come out, and they need a place to stay and be respected, give them my email address and I’ll chat with them about the possibility of having a respectful home, their own room, good food and clothes, and the right to an education in spite of their sexual preference. I may have a bf of my own but it won’t be them, mine would be an adult, your age or older.

  10. i am not homosexual but i am totally agree what you say :) :) i think the important one what do you feel (: pple must to know who really are you ? and what are you feeling ?

  11. U r amazing!!!

  12. Unfortunately, all too many parents convince themselves that it is just a “phase” their teenage son or daughter is going through and that it will pass.

    I agree with Seth about the relationship of love and sex. Unfortunately, so much of what we see in the commercial media seems to imply that is sex for sex’s sake is all that matters.

    To Sebby, it would appear to me that the RCC’s stance on homosexuality has a rather nice loophole that allows them to ordinate gay priests. As long as they remain celibate and chaste, no problemo. Ha,ha!

  13. Be who you are and know this, parents always try to be controling….. all the freaking time.

    I am bi, married to a girl and I know that my mother will always tell me what she thinks I should do and my father will always stand by his own beliefs and be as my mother calls him “Mr. Asshole.”

  14. Can I play devil’s advocate here, I’m aware of the irony, and suggest that this guys parents are trying to protect their son?

    There appears to be no indication of this guys age. Maybe he is still quite young and in high school. Like any parent, they too must fear for their son. Maybe they want for him to delay his sexual awakening until he is better able to cope with the reality of his homosexuality.

    The world is not kind to gay (and related) people. Ever thought that they want their son to merely grow up at this point without being bullied at school etc? A highly religious family suggests a tight knit religious community, and possibly even a religious school. Perhaps it’s best for him to remain “sheltered”, rather than “closeted” at this point in his life, to protect what could be a bright and prosperous future. Besides, I thought all parents, especially religious ones, want their children to wait – gay or not.

    With so little facts in evidence it’s hard to really assess this situation. Rest assured that if this guy is reaching out to Davey, reading his blog and watching his videos, that his “gay feelings” aren’t being entirely ignored.

    • So people don’t hate on me too much, let it be said that I “agree” with Davey entirely!

      I really don’t believe that this guy won’t act on his feelings, especially after having come out to his parents. If anything, the temptation to act on his feelings has probably intensified.

      I just hope that this doesn’t lead to feelings quilt on this guys behalf. I would hate for him to become another youth suicide statistic.

      Love should be unconditional and that includes a parent’s love for their child.

      I believe what this guy needs to see here is practical advice from us blog buddies, not just our thoughts on this “topic”.

      If you have stood where this guy stands, please post and point him in the direction of hope and acceptance. Let him know that it does get better.

      Unfortunately, I haven’t been in similar circumstances. All I can suggest is that this guy does what is right for him. If he is still dependent on his parents he may not have room to manoeuvre. If this isn’t the case, he’d certainly have more freedom to make his own decisions. Eventually, the heart wants what he heart wants, right?

    • The heart wants what the heart wants!

  15. I completly agree and my mom told me the same thing…. I came out at a very young age i came out last year after christmas at age 12 :0….. And my told me exactly that “just bcuz ur attracted to other girls doesnt mean god hates u or doesnt love u or u cant believe in him anymore bucz ur special…. And then she said im special :)

  16. This is so true (and wise!). If your parents say that their okay as long as you don’t bring your partner round, flaunt your lifestyle etc. What they really mean is that their okay as long as you act straight around them.

    Family should be supportive, however sometimes they are the least supportive and as a result you may have to limit contact/sever ties with them.

    While it’s not nice to do this, you only have 1 life and you have to live that life for yourself!

  17. Well said Davey ;)

  18. Your topics are getting way to boring … It used to be fun to see what was posted , Now it’s the same ole same ole …. get back to some fun things …

  19. I love being gay. Okay, I have never had any “negative” or violent reactions from people and I don’t put it into any physical form but hey it’s me. I always look at life from a different angle and being gay just fits me like a glove.

    My old church (primarily GLBTQ) taught me that sexuality and spirituality are intertwined. They can’t be separated. They are at the core of our being. It stopped me from being ashamed at church when I saw a cute guy. (Inappropriate). No! God knows. He wrote each of our owners manuals. He knows. Let up. Relax. I consider every cute guy as God’s Living Work of Art. Damn, don’t I have a space on my wall for him!. . . oh, that’s right. Its suppsoed to be the bed. Damn, I have to work on that one.

    You know I always wondered if being gay is Mother Nature’s way of keeping down the population. That we are a essential part of nature’s plan. Wouldn’t THAT wake a few people up and PO them off too. Well, sometimes that IS our job,

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