When it comes to nature vs. nurture, there’s an ongoing debate about what shapes human sexuality. Is it genetics? Is it the environment in which you’re raised? Is it a combination of both – or perhaps different for every individual?
No one knows for sure. But here’s one thing that’s certain: Being gay is not a choice.
To suggest otherwise strikes most of us as offensive – and, in fact, recent comments along those lines landed actress Cynthia Nixon in hot water. Amid a public uproar, she later clarified her statement.
It’s also why so many gay people take issue with the term “sexual preference” – as it implies choice. Our attractions aren’t a choice; they’re hardwired into our being. To be attracted to another man isn’t a phase or something we outgrow. On the contrary, it’s a song in our heart that is impossible – try as we might – to ignore.
The only element of choice is whether or not we’ll tune into that song and live our life in accordance with its beat. The same-sex attractions we feel are not something we decide, but living an open and honest life is. To embrace who we are – even in the face of challenges, obstacles and hardships – is a choice, and it’s part of what makes us so damn strong.
Being gay isn’t a choice. Embracing who you are is.
February 1, 2012 at 11:08 am
Human sexuality is really interesting to study. it`s not genetics, there isn`t a gay gene or straight gene. the way it actually appears is in the second week of a pregnancy the baby`s brain is been exposed to testosterone. if it isn`t you`re going to have an attraction for men cause the default attraction is for men.. soo if the testosterone is playing around with the brain for longer your attraction towards women becomes stronger and the one for men blurs out :3
February 1, 2012 at 12:09 pm
Then how do you explain Lesbians?
February 1, 2012 at 9:13 pm
hey-wait a moment.im gay-ive been into a daily workout regimen-i use protein shakes-supplements-vitamins-and a testosterone supplement.im still gay-and will always be.i take the testosterone boost supplement-to aid in increased energy and stamina-it works-im showing marked improvement-and guess what?i am still gay.
February 2, 2012 at 12:33 am
I’ve heard that theory actually… and since you can’t reply to a reply I’ll stick with this….
@Rachael Lesbians are an uknown atm, more or less science has been more focused on gay men.
@Christopher This is excess testosterone as a fetus, while you are still in the womb. Rather obviously, for most people (I know someone who has fluid sex and sexuality… it’s a bit weird) once this has happened, you’re pretty much set for life. No matter how much testosterone you throw around now, you are obviously still going to be gay /:
February 1, 2012 at 12:12 pm
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
Dr Seuss
It was this quote that got me to tune into the song in my heart
no regrets
February 1, 2012 at 12:19 pm
I appreciate this statement a lot. I’ve been explaining this to people for some time, its only a choice to acknowledge these elements of your inner self rather than possesing these elements.
Thank you Davey! <3
February 1, 2012 at 12:25 pm
It is the same thing in Spanish, at least in Spain. It is sometimes said “preferencia sexual” (sexual preference), maybe because it is directly translated from English into Spanish. Anyway, being gay is not a choice. It did not choose it when I was a 12 years old boy who only wanted to see the women the same way my partners saw.
But this is the way we are; not going to change it, because it is impossible. Gracias por difundir la idea de que esto es algo que forma parte de nuestra naturaleza, como ser alto, bajo, rubio, guapo o feo.
February 1, 2012 at 12:34 pm
@Kalo, not to be rude… and I respect your beliefs… but that sounds like a bunch of BS.
and my new motti is “f*ck the bullsh*t!” I’m just saying. I don’t think there’s real discoverable reasons for a person to be gay, bi, trans, pan, or any other type of queer. I’m just saying.
February 1, 2012 at 7:45 pm
It’s not bullshit. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EI1_jzPEcwU&feature=related
February 3, 2012 at 10:57 pm
Obviously you don’t respect Kalo’s beliefs – so why say that?
February 1, 2012 at 12:56 pm
To me, it would be nice if we were OK with it being a choice. Andrew Sullivan had a great dialogue about this on his blog. People like to make an argument along the lines of sexuality not being a choice in the context of religious criticism of homosexuality. The argument goes something along the lines of if gayness isn’t a choice, then you are gay because god made you that way (I’m not a christian this is just the argument). If god made you that way, there is something normal and natural about it. But this plays right into the hands of Christians, who believe we should suppress and inhibit many of our natural urges, like casual sex and drugs. They are crazy enough to think that god gave us many ways to sin just to test us. In this strange way, gay is not a choice makes Christians want to cure gayness even more because it is just like their own lust to them.
Its better just to believe in freedom. If someone chose their sexuality because its a better lifestyle for them, then congrats, good on them. We should congratulate them and celebrate their freedom to live their life however they choose. It shouldn’t matter whether they chose it or not. The day when we can say I’m gay and I chose it will be the day when homosexuality could be truly accepted fully.
I think a lot of people underestimate just how complicated sexuality is for many. For some, sexuality is an exploration that lasts a long time filled with much uncertainty. For others, they know from and early age. I knew from 13 I was attracted to men, but I was also attracted to women, and 15 years later I am still thinking about what my sexuality is by exploring it. I understand this goes against the common narrative, but don’t really care.
February 1, 2012 at 2:50 pm
I’m fine with anyone who “chooses” to be gay. I’m fine with a guy who is capable of being attracted to either sex choosing to prefer one over the other. I also believe that the basic idea of most people being able to choose their sexual orientation is no less nonsensical just because Andrew Sullivan might embrace the idea.
February 1, 2012 at 1:23 pm
Davey, I liked your “Buddha” phrase pictured at the top of your essay. I follow the way of the Buddha and have tried to bring happiness to other people, and as a result, to me as well. And when I got out of college and became a counselor at a group home for teenage boys from broken homes, I ended up becoming a foster parent or simply a guardian for homeless kids. There were many reasons for why they needed a new home, but today, there are probably more homeless gay teens simply because they are not accepted within their homes. Knock on my door if you need a home, you want to go and finish school, and you simply need to be accepted regardless of your sexual orientation and can count on being respected. I have an extra bedroom now and will probably have a couple more soon if I buy a house. I’m old enough to be your father, Davey, so I’m not trying to hit on a teen because he’s gay, but I would respect and support his desires. I’m epileptic as well and could use their support if I have any medical shortcomings. So if you know of any teens that are being bullied because they’re gay or are being mistreated at home, or there are any who read this message to Davey, contact me if you could use some support. I’ll back you up.
February 1, 2012 at 2:18 pm
Well, actually, Cynthia Nixon has a point : she said her POV applied to HER. Which should be kinda obvious.
What if she actually “chose to be gay” ? I think she said that it doesn’t matter if you swam, flew, ran or cycled there, what matters is that being gay should never be a reason of discrimination like it’s been for so long.
What needs to happen is gay people having the exact same rights as everyone else, since being gay does not make you a sociopath, a moron, or anything like that. We don’t need to add the “choice vs born this way” debate to the equation.
Yes, it’s not like you choose to be gay like you choose tomatoes at the market, but why refuse the possibility that for some people they can choose ?
I don’t mind either way, since I am a fervent supporter of gay rights anyway. But while I do recognize that for the most part it’s not about choosing to like the same sex as you, let’s not look down on others who happen to think differently
.
February 1, 2012 at 3:05 pm
This is a kind of argument of the queer community on the whole I don’t like a lot – much like I like Gaga’s “Born This Way” I think it totally misses the point. I don’t know and I totally don’t care, if my being gay is a choice or not, because even if it were – would it make people any more justified to judge me for it? That’s bullsh**.
February 1, 2012 at 3:33 pm
Of course our sexuality is complex, but let me sketch a very general sociological approach:
1) There is a biological predisposition to whether one is attracted to one sex or the other. To what degree this disposition is genetic, hormonal, brain development, etc. is variable, but it is next to impossible to deny a strong element that determines orientation to the same sex.
2) Early childhood socialization by parents, peers (and more frequently today media), such as positive or negative modeling or influencing culturally defined “boy things” versus “girl things” interact with our biology to help shape “who we are.”
3) First (earliest) sexual experience (E.g. masturbation with orgasm & c*m, or “fooling around” with a guy or girl) is an important formative experience. This, more often than not, “just happens.” Most often guys don’t really “decide” or “plan it.”
During this “stage” there is there is little, if any, “choice” about who we are or exactly what we are doing. When we look back at this stage we often just say “I knew I liked boys.”
4) As guys grow up, experience more life, and whether supported or hassled by parents, peers, school kids. This usually happens about the 7th or 8th grade and is accompanied by increasingly strong, frequent hormonal urges. This is when the majority of guys j******f a lot and begin to look at porn and get crushes on guy classmate and somewhat older guys. Whether a guy actually engage in same sex behavior is quite variable. This “stage” can last all through high school and into college.
This is the time when many guys struggle with questions like “Who or what am I?’ “Is it okay to be gay? Am I good or bad person if I am gay?” What will happen if people learn I like guys or I announce that ‘I am gay’ ?” This is when guys struggle with “Coming Out.” This is where public, social identity becomes the focus of attention. This where making choices becomes possible and necessary. This is when guys can choose (often with a lot of internal and external influences/pressures), not who they are and how they feel, but whether they will claim a gay identity and/or engage in same sex behavior. I personally know some guys 30-35 years old who haven’t or can’t deal with the “gay identity” issue yet.
5) Here gay men do have a choice and, de facto, do make decisions with regard to behavior and life style. One can choose that they just will “come out.” Stromo males are those who intentionally dress and act “masculine” while taking male lovers. Many guys decide to associate with gay friends and claim their identity as gay without entering into more expressive or “stereotypical” gay “communities.” There are many other ways of being gay and many combinations of these identities and behavior as to how much and what kind of sex he will have and with whom. The important thing here is that gays can and do have choices and do make decisions.
So nature/biology set some very basic and necessary components and limits to who and what we are. Sexual orientation is never a choice. Being gay is a gift from nature or God to us. As we grow and develop, biological urges and social experience interact in ways that help individuals to make a choice about public identity and lifestyle.
The very conservative Roman Catholic Church is caught up in reacting to this reality.
Officially, the RCC has been forced by science to admit that people are, in effect, born gay and that they just “are gay.” That reality is “morally” neutral. This allows the RCC to speak out in defense of gays with respect to employment, housing, and some other issues. On the other hand, the fact that there is some choice about lifestyle and behavior, make the RCC adamant that gays must never to engage in any sexual behavior. Their position is based on the belief that the only legitimate sex is heterosexual, married vaginal intercourse “open” to procreation. The RCC does not begin it’s reasoning from love. So we can understand what it says even if we disagree with it, but they are able to admit we are born with our sexual orientation.
February 4, 2012 at 12:38 am
I don’t see how they could deny it since so many of them are gay.
February 1, 2012 at 4:04 pm
Human sexuality is fluid. I am not offended when someone says that they chose to be gay. I understand the implications it can have and the lit torch it provides bigots but at the end of the day if being gay is a choice so what? It still doesn’t mean that that choice should be belittled or undermined in any way. Every one no matter who they choose to be should be provided with equal protection under the laws of the country in which they live. I think Cynthia Nixon’s earlier comments were dead on, that’s her truth and no one has any right to take it away from her. If being gay is hardwired like you say it is, it doesn’t make being gay anymore authentic or valid than if you choose to be. Life is more complicated than the black and white uninspired and insipid views of people who don’t want to think any deeper than they have to. I believe that human sexuality is much like autism, on a spectrum. We all land somewhere between gay and straight.
February 4, 2012 at 1:19 am
Hear, hear.
February 1, 2012 at 9:44 pm
well-here is my two cents-Sunday afternoon i was at the gym working out.when im working out-it usually lasts about two hours.i met a friend and former co-worker as i was leaving.but during the time i was there-and it doesnt happen everytime i workout-i got a hardon.a boner-so to say.mind you-i was minding my own business.im not mindlessly milling around leering at others or what not.im paying attention to the task at hand.i had absolutely no idea what outer situations or what would happen.3x-this happened to me that afternoon.so-being gay-is not a choice-the choice is-what you do about it.it is-what it is.
February 2, 2012 at 12:05 am
It has to do with need. Once upon a time man had to hunt, slash and burn to eat. He needed a partner to clean the kill, grind the corn and keep the fire going; oops and of course he needed help which children to give. Sooo he took on a wife. The same was true when humans became farmer. However now man lives in cities and does not need a female companion. A roommate is good, one with a dick. Anyway, females have grown independent. The only thing they need a man for is sperm and it is easily available.
February 4, 2012 at 1:10 am
Despite all the arguments in favor of the nuclear family, society, at least in the Western developed countries, appears to be going in a different direction. Perhaps it is all part of human evolutionary progress.
February 2, 2012 at 12:13 am
I LOVE being gay. I fits me like a glove. I have always seen the world in a different light and from a different angle and being gay just seems part of that. Okay, I don’t put it into use in a physical way (and doesn’t that mess with people minds. “How does he know he’s gay if he has never….?”) Please!
But my best moment was at our Bible study class. Now my church is O and A (Open and Affirming) We except GLBTQ people for who they are. The class was discusing Homosexuality and the Bible. I mentioned my story I wrote on-line. I had a celebrity couple come out on Larry King because I wanted the back and forth from the callers. One called in with the “Abominition” line. They were treated with respect (which I think is the best way to get your point across instead of yelling.) But one of the gay men’s mother was the last caller. “I love my gay son but once I thought my son had started down the dark path. People were seducing him, leading him astray. He was going against God’s way. I was ready to cut him off from our family. I thought my son was dead to me. He wasn’t the abomination. I WAS!” The man across from me jerked back as if I had hit him and maybe I did. I made my point.
Looking at things a different way. I love that. And I love being gay. It IS how I was born. I embrace it and hold it close and dear. Now if there was only I man I could do that with. . . but nevermind.
February 2, 2012 at 1:16 am
This may be slightly off topic but WASHINGTON STATE LEGALIZED GAY MARRIAGE
February 2, 2012 at 3:13 am
well…i agree with you..Davey..it’s just like ..why should i justify that my favorite color is red…is just like that ..doent’mean that other colors are meanness..it just happen that my favorite is red…leteron ,may be i’ll change to green or may be i’ll stick to red….and i don’t see the point of other people telling you that blue is the right color to like…as i can’t tell them they are wrong liking blue…its just the way it is…and doesn’t need any justification..and it isn’t a big deal therefore..it is just one more thing that make humans different, as there is democrats, republicans, whites, black, aisan…sensitive, non sensitive, clever not clever people….is not even a thing to talk about it is..just what it is..are we going to reproach to a red head to have red hair…it is…you are gay, bi, or trans…..you just are…and never justify….of existing..because you are..
February 2, 2012 at 12:08 pm
First off, just because something feels like it’s inherently a deep part of your being, doesn’t mean it’s biological, let alone genetic. Lots of things that are clearly a part of socialization *feel* deeply and inherently and immutably true.
Second, maybe it’s not a choice for you, but it is for some other people.
Third, “being gay” is not just about sexual orientation. There’s a depth and richness to gay culture that’s also part of the equation. If a person who is somewhere on the 2-5 range of the kinsey scale just happens to really love being part of gay community, who’s to say they didn’t choose to be gay?
And last, it’s empowering to imagine a world and a political landscape in which being gay is seen as something so wonderful that people might actively choose it, even if that wasn’t their first inclination.
February 3, 2012 at 8:10 pm
I consider myself a gay man, but I think sexuality is a fleeting thing, where you can be everything between totally straight and totally gay. Some like both sexes, some like one more than the other, and yet some like only one kind. Should it really matter if we can choose what sex we like or not?
I’d be very careful to say that being gay isn’t a choice. You might be gay, but what in Gods name (please forgive me if I disrespect his name this way) do you do, a gay man, should you really fall head over heels for a woman? Or rather, you, a gay man, have found that you want to love that woman, ins pite of your liking of men? Are you still gay then? Or have you fallen into the bi category?
Should this happen, I am quite sure you won’t change that you are gay. You’d simply say “she’s just that special”. Now this is the problem with labels. It restricts who you are allowed to love in that very special way. I’m quite sure you all agree that you should be allowed to love who you want, but are we still thinking that way too narrow minded?
February 3, 2012 at 10:31 pm
How can you embrace yourself when you don’t like yourself. I think this is a reductive summary of being gay. You cannot choose to like yourself any more than you can choose your sexuality. Happiness does not ensue acceptance of oneself and you cannot “learn to love yourself” unless you can remove or change what you dislike about yourself.
February 4, 2012 at 9:53 am
it is genetic but not inherited read it on the web and not wiki
February 4, 2012 at 9:57 pm
Sorry I disagree.
It is very well a founded fact that sexuality is a spectrum, rather than a binary option. Some people are 100% heterosexual, some people are 100% homosexual and some (many actually) are somewhere in between. For them being bisexual is as normal as being gay is normal to you.
There are a lot of issues with being bisexual, but one of the nice aspects of it is that you so have a choice. You can choose who to be with regardless of their genital. I suspect that’s what Cynthia said and it referred to her situation, rather than a statement about everybody.
February 5, 2012 at 4:07 pm
Love your posts and videos Davie but on this one I have to agree with most of the comments here, in particular that there IS choice involved in almost everything, and thank goodness for that.
What we MUST fight for is FREEDOM TO CHOOSE, something it appears American Conservatives need to brush-up on as they DO NOT embrace freedom if they don’t believe that your personal life is your own business.
Besides, if gay isn’t a choice in many cases, how do we get hot straight-guy hook-ups ?
February 5, 2012 at 5:37 pm
I was compelled to post more about this on my gay blog:
http://edout.blogspot.com/2012/02/born-this-way-or-fagging-out-for-fun.html