In some ways, it feels like we’ve all come so far. Some countries and states allow for marriage equality, more and more nondiscrimination policies include sexual orientation and gender identity, and an increasing number of LGBT individuals are letting their flames burn bright openly.
Given our progress, it could be easy to forget that we’re really just getting started. But a reality check is only a headline away. A few days ago, 13-year-old Asher Brown shot himself in the head after being tormented at his Texas school. And then yesterday, 13-year-old Seth Walsh from California died after 10 days on life support after hanging himself.
In a blog where I tend to focus on life’s positive perspective, there’s no good news here. I can feel the broken hearts of Asher and Seth’s families, friends and our entire community. We do what we do, and I do what I do, to make this world a more loving and inclusive place. We do it all so crap like this doesn’t happen.
Imagining the hopelessness that these boys felt nearly incapacitates me. But it also resolves me and motivates me to do more. And today, I promise Asher and Seth that I will do more. The trajectory of progress must bend faster and harder in the favor of love and equality. And all of us need to step up to the plate.
September 30, 2010 at 8:36 am
Gay schools exist in New York City and San Francisco funded by the taxpayers. Why not?
September 30, 2010 at 8:37 am
Hey Dave!
This story is really sad. Due to instances like these, Dan Savage set up a youtube channel called It Gets Better to reach out to gay teens in need of support. It would be great if you and other people here could post on it!
http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject
September 30, 2010 at 8:39 am
You miss something very important, Mosaic Dave! Not everyone has the strength to stand up to it. Depression is a terrible thing. It is a downward spiral to a dark place where thinking becomes confused. Suicide is often the result because of this confusion and distorted thinking. So don’t blame the victims. They got to a place they couldn’t understand and saw no way out.
September 30, 2010 at 8:41 am
Yes, this is something the gay community must address in whatever ways we can. It is time for us to stand up to those who believe their way is the only way.
September 30, 2010 at 8:44 am
Tom I have no problems at all with this. However other minorities should also be included. Gay children should not have special rights. This is a clear violation of the “equal protection Act” of the US constitution. Of course this is conjecturing on my part. I am not a constitutional attorney. I am sure this if you say is true will end up in the courts. As it should. Unless these school or not exclusive for gay children. grazie
September 30, 2010 at 8:48 am
But who’s voice should speak for gay children? Gay’s have all sorts of opinions, mine is totally different than yours. No all gay men have the same voice far from it. Who’s voice do we choose?
September 30, 2010 at 8:50 am
But the gay community speaks with many voices. My way might not be your way, your way might not be my way. There is no single voice in the gay community…it does not exist. Thanks Tom
September 30, 2010 at 9:00 am
Davide, IT DOESN’T MATTER!! There doesn’t need to be a single voice but MANY voices who bring this issue to the attention of the public. What DOES matter is that we speak up on this issue!
September 30, 2010 at 9:32 am
@davide
“whose voice do we choose?” is the wrong sort of question.
The choices are not between silence or electing some sort of grand figurehead to speak for all. We are all supposed to speak up.
September 30, 2010 at 10:14 am
The battle cry back in the 60s & 70s was “love and peace” mostly out of reaction to the Vietnam War. Where has it got us?
This issue with the gay community has been going on for a long time. One would think we would have figured it out by now.
Yet, within our own community we have similar clashes of values. I’m a butch gay guy and feel a little weird around fems/trans guys and may have even said a few unkind things while hanging out in my tribe of butch guys. I think it’s and egoic “us and them” perspective. I have thoughts about str8 lovers on a sandy beach holding hands and kissing. Why can’t I do that openly.
There are many groups that address this issue. The Unitarian church (of which I am not a member) is very proactive against discrimination.
Why start something new? Fracturing is a great way to limit effectiveness.
No matter how you view this situation; it still sucks.
September 30, 2010 at 10:36 am
Amen Davey, today I celebrate 68 years and I still feel the empathy of knowing some of that hopelessness and understand their decisions in light of their perceived loneliness. All who contributed to their sense of isolation live in shame.
September 30, 2010 at 10:58 am
I was bullied in high school and it still leaves me angry after many years. I was also made to feel disappointed in myself ten years later when my chief tormentor died of colon cancer and I found myself glad.
He left a wife and two children, how could I be glad? I’ve never gotten over the fact I am pleased at his death. maybe I’m worse then he was.
September 30, 2010 at 11:19 am
I can understand your feelings. Its hard to let go when justice has not been delivered to a wrong.
Maybe the question should be are you happy now that he’s dead you can let the issue go? Or is it truly that your happy he’s dead?
Please think about that.
September 30, 2010 at 11:28 am
Maybe LOGO could do more for these younger kids by broadcasting help lines & other information to them. I don’t see near enough of this info on their station when I do watch it once in a while.
September 30, 2010 at 11:58 am
In Los Angeles we have Project 10, a school system program designed to make students, counselors, administrators and teachers aware of appropriate behavior with regard to LGBT students – sensitivity and diversity training. AND we have the non profit G.L.I.D.E. (Gays and Lesbians Initiating Dialogues for Equality), a speakers bureau of about 70 trained volunteers who put on panel discussions in Junior and Senior HIgh Schools, Colleges, government offices, organizations, businesses….about homophobia. We go wherever we are invited. It helps.
September 30, 2010 at 12:19 pm
What bothers me is that I feel this way, I believe I’m a good person and have done good things in my life, but why should I still be
glad that he died young.
September 30, 2010 at 12:27 pm
Al,
For what it’s worth: years ago I attended a support group for those who had partners dealing with HIV. That was in the days when being diagnosed with HIV was a 5 year death sentence.
It was considered healthy and normal for a HIV negative partner to shamefully admit that they wished their loved one would just get it over with and die.
We were encouraged to talk about it amoung ourselves, but of course, we didn’t want our loved one to die.
While in the other room our HIV positive friends and relatives were bitching about us amoung themselves shamefully.
Somehow it all worked….
As I’ve said before on this blog: I don’t think we have to take responsibility for our thoughts but we do our actions.
Bullying is an action that is irresponsible.
September 30, 2010 at 12:52 pm
Today’s NY Times, 18 year old, first year university student, secretly filmed by roommate making out with male friend in their shared dorm room. Session broadcast live over the web, much gossip in dorm followed and then the victim of this outrageous act, a talented and devoted musician, jumped to his death off the George Washington Bridge.
Reading this made me gasp in disbelief. Having lost a sibling I can well imagine the utter despair of his parents. Just gut wrenching, unremitting pain the likes of which are unimaginable to those who have not gone through it. And all because of the thoughtless lack of compassion of a “friend”.
This was cyber bashing. No physical pain inflicted directly and yet profound pain experienced by the victim. No one can tell us how to react to a mean word or an act of betrayal, so some responsibility must be born by the victim who reacted in a permanent way to what would have been a temporary problem.
As a shy person who finds life throws things at me in ways I find hard to cope with I feel for this guy. I know the embarrassment I feel when it turns out I have spinach in my teeth, or walk out of the “loo” with paper stuck to my shoe. Compound these cringe making minor events in my life by….what….a hundred million and I bet it might scratch the surface of what this poor fellow felt.
But what is the problem? Is it that we are so uncomfortable with intimacy in this culture that being seen making love could drive us to do ourselves harm? Is it just an invasion of privacy? Is there still privacy in this day and age? Does Davey still enjoy privacy? I would guess that he does….selectively.
This new age has unimagined perils waiting to make us victim one way or another. Things those of us who are parents could not possibly imagine preparing our children for. “Remember son, scan your room for live webcams before….well…erm…..before you suck c**k.”
So sad now,
GD
September 30, 2010 at 1:04 pm
Tom,
Don’t even bother to comment back on His Highness. Whatever he has to say, everything is revolving around himself. All what he says is transpiration of is difficulty of being gay.
He needs your support and compassion. Let him talk, he needs it…
September 30, 2010 at 1:37 pm
As yet another gay senior citizen, I too can still vividly recall being bullied in Junior High. Of course back in the dark ages there was no official title for it.
When I heard of these three current incidents and after reading all these post, I realized just how far we have NOT come. Yes we have more legal rights and yes we have more made some ground in moral issues but as long as just one person, young or old, still cannot be accepted for who they are or can not accept their own personal well being have we really made any progress?
There is no easy common answer to how to handle those who take advantage of the weak.
We as a group of GLBT individuals talk about how we deserve to be treated in society, yet most of that some group do nothing but to continue act like a dysfunctional,unconcerned, and privilaged, group of spoiled children.
Its easy to sit on your butt in your own home and say something needs to be done about about the actions of kids in school, the needless brutal beatings, or the name calling on the street but when your ask to actually got off your butt and try to at least do more than just express a passing “My heart goes out to..” its too much effort.
Yes,I grew up during the Stonewall movement, served as a member of the United States Military during the Vietnam War(until I was given a General Discharge under Honorable Conditions for being gay) and have seen conditions improve for our community. We have made huge advancements over the last 40 years of my life but we are far from equal as these current events show us.
Where are the answers? Who knows? But one thing I do know is that sitting on your butts and not doing a damn thing is no answer!
September 30, 2010 at 2:17 pm
Perfectly said.
September 30, 2010 at 2:18 pm
This is a brave gesture Lane, and I commend you for your choice. But also please remember that the road you have chosen will be a bumpy one, especially in the beginning. Being and openly gay public teacher is still not an easy task in this society. So I ask you please to remember the avenues of support available for you on this noble journey. I’m not suggesting that you refrain, just that you proceed safely because your position is a much needed one. Thank you for your choice of being there for today’s youth.
September 30, 2010 at 2:27 pm
I so agree well said.
September 30, 2010 at 2:56 pm
Davey,
I think that one of the scariest things about these tragedies is how young they are first of all. These kids don’t even have a chance to develop any kind of thick skin to defend against all of the stones and slanders that people hurl at them. Fortunately for me, I got out of high school and decided who I was and then came out. Too bad that these kids just wanted to be who they wanted to be and became suceptible to the evils of the world. Even more saddening is the loss of a wonderful life of possibilities of being a gay person and embracing themselves.
I live in a terribly conservative area of Salt Lake City, Utah but fortunately its becoming more and more progressive all the time. Here, there is an amazing gay community of so many wonderful people in which I have gained so many loving friends. Sadly enough though, as much progress as we’ve made standing on our capitol steps against Prop 8, we’ve also stood there in vigils for the exact same reason…boys who’ve taken their own lives when they couldn’t see a way out of the dark. At least two lives lost in our community…this summer alone. I didn’t know these boys personally, but I stood just as close to them being next to the people, my friends, whose lives they’d touched. It’s the saddest thing. One of my personal goals is always to go up to the quiet kid whether it be at the club or the coffee shop and let them know that I care who they are and that they mean something to me. Every person is important, has a story, and is worth knowing. It’s always a good thing to look out for the quiet kid, or the one that gets picked on. I used to be that kid, but I was fortunate enough to have a great family and people that cared about me.
That being said, the most wonderful thing in a gay kid’s life is having people in their lives that can be an example and help shine some kind of light in their life in that darkness. That’s the best and most vital thing that anyone can have. These boys needed and deserved so much more.
TT
September 30, 2010 at 4:30 pm
Most public elementary and secondary schools in the US are supported by local taxes. If a particular city like NYC or SF choose to establish them and can provide social support for normalcy of gay lives, that is their choice.
I am very skeptical of widespread use of “gay schools.” It reminds me too much of a possibility of “Separate but “equal” that we foisted on African Americans for so long.
Such schools might be started with all good intentions. But would the remain a short oasis and prepare them to live “normal” lives or might they be used to serve other political purposes of a more nefarious nature? The danger of new unhelpful labels is too great!
All of us who are gay and who care about the health and well-being of OUR gay children and youths must do two things– 1) find was to personally be open to and support young gays and 2) begin to or increase of financial support of gay organization focusing on supporting gay youth and begin or increase our presence and ACTIVE volunteer support in such organizations.
September 30, 2010 at 4:49 pm
Tim, thank you for your post. A major turning point for me, also, was the horrible murder of Matt and the way he was “strung up” and left to die all alone.
Whether on your blog/fb or in person you are open and accepting of gay young people and offering them an “older” ear just to listen to them or support them in other ways, you are to be commended.
September 30, 2010 at 4:56 pm
In my book, stream a guy’s making out with another guy is one of the violist acts possible. To me such an act is as bad as or worse than torture. I wonder if the idiots also stream videos of their mothers “making out” with the neighbor lady?
September 30, 2010 at 6:02 pm
http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/51525322.html
Some people should keep their mouths closed and their hands away from keyboards.
September 30, 2010 at 6:25 pm
Soory, the site for NC EQUALITY IS:
http://www.equalitync.org/
September 30, 2010 at 7:23 pm
Hey Sebastian I also agree with you about separate but equal. We really need
to be enforcing tolerance and acceptance
of everyone not just gay kids. In my high school we had teachers that would
actually help promote the violence against the one openly gay student or the poor kid that only had second hand
clothing to wear. most of the teachers were good but they wore blinders so they
didn’t have to get involved. My high school was small we had 7th-12th grade in the same building.my senior class was
only 88 students and that was the largest class for several years before or after. Every one knew every one I never did come out in HS and know one
ever knew, that really did suck for me
cuz I really wanted to be my true self.
I never seen a black person in real life
till I was 16 years old. I always stuck
up for the underdog because on the inside
I was the underdog also. Whenever there
was a TV show with any type of gay ppl
in it I would try to watch it but then my parents or my brother would quickly
change the channel and say your seriously
not watching that are you and I would have to say no it was just on when I sat down. Several times throughout my HS
years I thought about killing myself thankfully I did not. It would have been
so good if there was someone I could have talked to, without being scared to death literally. We did have 2 kids that
killed themselves, one of witch I found out latter was gay he had left a note for whoever, his sister found it when she
was going through his stuff in his room.
I felt so bad for him, His family never
did tell anyone about him so sad, I was real good friends with his sister I guess that’s why she told me and told me
never to tell anyone else about him. I think she may have guessed about me but never did ask. Anyway we really do need
to help with tolerance and acceptance
in the schools. I think there should be
a help line number in every students
hand book for the GLBT kids so they know
there is someone that cares and hopefully can help them one way or
other and feel safe to call.
My heart goes out to them and their family’s.
September 30, 2010 at 8:48 pm
This is a real tragedy…my community is shocked the most scene it happened in my school district. It is bizarre that this happened in Hamilton Middle – Hamilton is a really proper and one of the best in Greater-Houston area. I am openly gay and in high school and no one until now has bullied me. I should be thankful. Sometimes life can take you on extremely strange paths.
September 30, 2010 at 10:15 pm
And there was another one today at some university. There is no need for this kind of battering! What are we teaching the youngsters today? I thought we were “enlightened”.
September 30, 2010 at 10:27 pm
Marty,
We think about the vulnerability of the gay youth but you brought up a good point. Incarcerated men can be under the category of “vulnerable adults” as well.
Vulnerable adults always seem to be the last thought of.
I think many of us are vulnerable adults.
What could it be like to be an older gay guy needing to be in a nursing home? Now that’s vulnerable!!!
How about the gay guy who deals with a mental health issue in addition to the fact that he feels hated in his community?
The participation on this blog today suggests that this subject has hit a nerve in all of us.
Our own vulnerablity exposed……..
September 30, 2010 at 10:56 pm
Hey your so rite,Our own vulnerability exposed
this is really got a lot of ppl talking and
thinking across the nation and around the globe. I have real hopes that there will be some or hopefully a lot of good to come from these tragedies. stay safe and keep it real.
Peace to us one and all.
September 30, 2010 at 11:33 pm
Vulnerability knows no age. I think everyone in needs resources to help them.
It’s good to explore our issues and hopefully find solutions. Whats just as important is enacting those solutions.
October 1, 2010 at 2:16 am
I think I am going to step up by coming out to my dad. This isnt something that I should be ashamed of or kept a secret.
October 1, 2010 at 3:07 am
Firstly, you assume these people were depressed. It’s entirely possible they were not depressed but merely feeling helpless, confused or whatever.
Secondly I will agree that depression presents great challenges to the people who live with it. And, many people with depression live very well despite the condition. They learn to cope, they seek out help, they do whatever is necessary to deal with the condition and cope with the events of their lives. Everyone has the strength within them. Some don’t realize it and never learn to access it. Thus I advocate teaching these people to cope, to find the strength, and ultimately to live well.
You tell me not to blame the victims. Blame has 2 meanings. The first definition is to find fault with or condemn a person for his or her actions. I find no fault with these people. They did the best they knew how to do given their circumstances. The second definition, though, means to hold a person responsible for his or her actions. I absolutely count these people responsible for their own deaths. I feel I’d be failing them and others who are bullied or harassed if I didn’t. The kids who read about this and may be considering it need to know that “It gets better”. They need to know that it is possible to overcome whatever people will throw at them. They need to know that they can learn and develop the skills and abilities to cope with anything. They need to know that help is out there. They also have to seek it out.
We all have the same goal here and some of us have different ways of achieving it. I believe in building up and empowering those people who are bullied so that they can stand on their own 2 feet and deal with all of life’s great challenges.
Consider this: Bullying is ubiquitous. It’s very likely part of our animal nature. If we limit our efforts to stopping the bullies we fail those who might be targets of bullying. At some point they will encounter a bully either as a youth or as an adult. And when they do they will have no idea of how to deal with the situation unless we provide them with whatever they need to prepare them. The first thing they need – the first thing we all need in life – is to take responsibility in whatever situation we find ourselves. That’s the only way we’ll have any say in the outcome.
October 1, 2010 at 3:17 am
No doubt about that. I feel ashamed with humanity for not having supported these 3 people in living whatever lives they wanted to live.
October 1, 2010 at 4:31 am
Hey make sure it is the right time for you and
not just because all that is going on, be on the safe side and remember there is a lot of people here you can talk to and or rely on if things do not go the best with your dad.
stay safe and keep it real. Peace my friend
October 1, 2010 at 5:09 am
Thank you. He knows, and I know he knows. Everyone does and my family has been awesome with it. I have been out for 3 years, I just havent talked to him about it. I dont know why. Every time i try to tell him, I just cant.
October 1, 2010 at 9:44 am
You had the support of your father and stepmother. These kids had what? Nothing, I presume. If they had the understanding and support of caring adults, life might have seemed possible for them.
Don’t assume everyone has the inner or outer resources you did to cope with harassment, especially at so young an age. The point here is that those who do need to identify those who don’t and provide the support they need to cope. It’s irresponsible to say that teens who feel completely alone, harassed and wretched, with no hope for the future, should just “man up.”
The one thing missing in your posts is the most important thing of all, and that’s empathy.
October 1, 2010 at 12:02 pm
The Tyler Clementi case is really infuriating and just truly disgusting. Even if he wasn’t gay, what kinda roomie streams a video of someone else having sex. Probably a pervert with really disturbing voyeuristic tendencies.
October 1, 2010 at 12:24 pm
Billy Lucas (15), Asher Brown (13), Seth Walsh (13), Tyler Clementi (18), Raymond Chase (19) and now Caleb Nolt from Fort Wayne, Indiana. That’s six suicides from gay bashing in less than three weeks.
All types of bullying in school, from kindergarten to college, should be dealt with firmly and unequivocally. You bully, you get sent home. You bully again, you get expelled.
October 1, 2010 at 1:18 pm
I wish I could take credit for this quote but it comes from the author Eckhart Tolle who I have read a lot of. I hope I don’t quote him too much.
Regarding those that bully others…”Power over others is a weakness disguised as strength.”
October 1, 2010 at 1:48 pm
Just when we think we have come so far, bullshit like ths happens,and its like a wrench in the fan of our fight, The school and adults failed these people, asher brown, seth and dont forget billy lucas, its so sad,makes one wonder, wat have we been fighting for if this is still what happens,
October 1, 2010 at 5:54 pm
what to do if some guy ask a gay guy about sports help can you make a vid
October 2, 2010 at 5:25 am
I agree completely. It saddens me as two of those six are from my state.
October 2, 2010 at 6:13 am
Well, that’s it. I’m officially pissed off. I hope the parents of all of these victims not only pursue a criminal trial, but a civil trial for each of their children. (Quick explanation: criminal cases are who DID it, civil cases are who’s RESPONSIBLE for it.)
Davey, this is one of those cases where your video on not getting pissed off isn’t going to help. What should we do now?
October 2, 2010 at 2:00 pm
You presume, without knowing, what these kids had. It’s entirely possible these kids had loving friends and families who would have trudged through hell for them if necessary. Something prevented them from realizing it whether it was embarrassment or shame or whatever have you. I knew for a fact my parents would be great about my sexuality and I didn’t find it within myself to tell them until I was 34 years old. My insecurity and not their judgment had me keep quiet about it. Despite what most of us think or feel, the vast majority of people have those loving friends and family out there if they’d just reach out. and if we don’t reach out we may never know for sure. It does us no good at all to think people feel a certain way and not ask.
I agree it’s irresponsible to tell someone in that position to man up without giving them the tools and knowledge to do so. As loving friends, family and advisors I think it’s incumbent upon us to challenge and educate. We cannot do everything for people. Neither can the government. It’s the same argument about whether to give a man a fish or to teach him how to catch his own. Somewhere in the middle we have a happy medium of educating the public and specifically the youth about acceptance, tolerance and respect and also empowering those people who may experience situations of prejudice, bullying, etc.
I appreciate your comment about empathy. You have a point. I have a confidence in myself and in humanity that sometimes takes my focus away from what one individual might experience. I do believe in everyone’s inner strength and I work to foster that. At the same time I think i could certainly learn something from putting myself in the shoes of others to see things from their perspectives. Thank you.
October 2, 2010 at 2:06 pm
Sometimes you will encounter situations where being pissed off is either inappropriate or it just doesn’t get the response you’re looking for. If it’s not working then I suggest you might want to consider how not to be pissed off.
You will encounter these situations, though, where being pissed off is a completely justified and productive response to something. If it works do it.
I think most experts would agree that it doesn’t work to try eliminating anything from our repertoires of feelings and responses. Every trait, every feeling, every action that is possible for any human to do is within each one of us. We all have the capacity to be saints, axe murderers, etc. The most judicious thing to do is get in touch with the range of emotions and use them when they serve you and humanity.