YouTube is about more than dogs on skateboards, pimple popping (don’t click that link) and girls falling off tables.
When it comes to being gay, YouTube can also be a really powerful medium for passing down our collective knowledge. And I’m not just talking about the importance of douching. I’m talking about coming out.
Over the years, I’ve done a handful of coming out videos – many of which you’ve helped to create. But I’ve never done a video with the do’s and don’ts of coming out, and I’d love your input.
Here’s an example of a coming out “do”:
DO get ready for the uncomfortable questions. Like, “Does it hurt when you, you know?”
And here’s an example of a coming out “don’t”:
DON’T come out if you’re drunk. F’real.
In the comments below, please share some of your best and most creative coming out do’s and don’ts.
I’ll be picking some of the best to include in an upcoming talky blog. And, I’ll also send a free copy of Davey Wavey’s Jock Workout to the authors of my three favorite comments.
Thanks for being a part of this! XO
February 8, 2012 at 2:42 pm
Don’t pick a ” Redneck ” bar to tell a close friend that you are Gay …. Something seriously could go wrong , Especially if you’re friend is a guy and offers to buy you a flower …
February 8, 2012 at 5:24 pm
DO come out to family first
DO be prepared for a worst-case scenario.(where do you sleep tonight?)
DO plan it. Set aside time to do it, and if possible get THEM to block out the time, too.
DO avoid the “I’m sorry” mind-set.
Do NOT let your mom convince you not to tell your dad. (Or any combination )
Do NOT demand acceptance. Let them do what they need to do.
Do NOT let it be about sex. It is about LOVE. Every time they go to the gymnastics and physics, be firm in guiding it back to poetry and chemistry.
Do NOT measure your success by how many of them say “I love you no matter what.
FINALLY
DO NOT think this is “one and done.” I have been out for 45 years and I still have to do a coming out scene every once in a while. And until the day she died she kept suggesting potential g.f.’s for me. After 10 years with the same b.f. all I managed to do is not suggest them in front of him. “Now Ma, you know I told you I was taken off the market.”
February 9, 2012 at 11:25 am
I disagree with telling you’re family first. I think you need to tell you’re friends first so if something does go wrong with the parents you have a place to stay with a friend
February 8, 2012 at 6:13 pm
DO realize that it may be just as hard for someone to hear as it is for you to tell them – not because they don’t care about you, but because they care SO MUCH about you.
DO NOT come out just because you’re upset and need someone to tell about your life – your emotional state may be telling you you’re ready when maybe you’re not.
February 8, 2012 at 7:38 pm
There’s not really a way you can make a complete list of dos and don’ts — every coming out is totally unique. The only solid rule with no exception, for sure, is: Do NOT come out for someone else. Do it when you’re ready to do it, for you.
February 8, 2012 at 8:35 pm
@Bill
Wouldn’t that kinda give away that I’m gay. Two middle school straight boys say I love you to one another.
Oh and do take your time telling a crush. Don’t yell it out because your feelings are so strong. Wait for the right time or you kill a friendship. Take it from me. 3 times I’ve done that.
February 8, 2012 at 9:06 pm
@Patrick:
You’re right,Patrick,
About yourself[wasn't thinking about your age.BTW:Are you the same Patrick as the one who,with input from Voldemort,used to ask D.W. to post a blog for middle school gays?_If so,
Hi:We've exchanged comments a few times before.Anyway,I was making the[perhaps wrong]assumption that you/your crush sometimes see each other in private,or at least,outside school.If you let your crush know you love him,it would be great if he expressed mutual feelings,otherwise it would be one middle school guy finding a way to let another know how he feels_risky,and probably embarrassing,in any case,but ,in my opinion,worth the risk[and the emotional rewards]. I didn’t understand from your original comment that you were concerned about others knowing,but being selective about who,and how many people you come out to is
wise.
Patrick,I appreciate your advice on telling a crush how I feel(sorry you’ve had some bad experiences there!]. If anything,I’m too selective,too cautious,too shy.Actually,I am a couple of generations older than you are__am ,belatedly,out to quite a few people,and have found that the easiest ones are straight people who have nothing against gays.Wish the kind of exchange BTI provides had existed 30 years ago.
GOOD LUCK,Patrick!!
February 8, 2012 at 8:55 pm
Don’t use the words “I’m sorry” while talking. It’ll reflect your pride and self-esteem in a weak way.
And DW, blog buddy meet-up in Palm Springs!
February 8, 2012 at 11:25 pm
DO: Come out when you are ready. Don’t throw it out there to make a political point or to hurt someone (like parents.)
DO: Trust that this IS you. No one seduced you. You were born this way.
DO: Get ready for every kind of response. And you might just be surprised.
DO: Find some sort of support group if you need it. You don’t have to go through this alone.
DON’T: make a collage of naked men or have gay magazines hidden under your bed. That NEVER works. They will be found and then the denying games begins. (I know!)
DON’T: Hook up with the first gay man you meet just to “experience” it. An emotion connection is always better, (I think, having never been there.)
DON’T, DON’t, DON’T: Think you life is less important because you are gay. Everyone is important!
DO, DO, DO: Revel in this wonderful life that was given you. The majority isn’t always right. Look at the trees in autumn. It’s the different colors that make the trees stand out. The chlorofil (which causes the green color) is gone and every tree shows it’s true colors. Be true to yourself even if you feel you can’t Come Out. Learn to accept yourselfand your feelings. That at least is a start.
February 9, 2012 at 2:23 am
@Peter from Minneapolis:
Peter f M.,You’re too god-damned SMART!!!_THANKS!
February 9, 2012 at 12:10 am
Coming out Don’t…..Don’t come out just because you want to hook up with your friend’s gay roommate
Don’t get drunk and begin telling your friends individually, but then end by going room to room yelling that you’re gay
….I did both
February 9, 2012 at 2:18 am
@Matthew:
Scary (and funny),Matthew !!! I hope you haven’t scared anyone back into the closet permanently……
Seriously,and unfortunately:Good advice….It’s amazing how much & how often gay and alcohol get mixed.
February 9, 2012 at 12:18 am
@ Bill
Yup it was Voldemort and I. Oh how I wish could see Kevin in private.
February 9, 2012 at 1:55 am
@Patrick:
God,Patrick!_’Net addiction is a problem.I just finished a long,worried,full-of-advice(good,I hope) letter to you on a blog post from several weeks ago_I’m sure you’ll get notice,but if you don’t please reply to me on this space.
Somehow,if you & Kevin are friends,I think it is possible for you to get together privately_or,at least,out of school.My advice: Ask him to do something}coffee,ice cream,video games,the library,a ball game__anything.I’d suggest not trying to do anything personal,sexual,embarrassing_try not to come on too strong.Just get to know each other.Probably the worst that could happen is that,lust aside,you find out you don’t really like him,or vice versa,or that you just don’t hit it off.Hopefully,good things will happen.I think at any age,but particularly at yours,people crave friends & even intimacy,whether they know it or not.
Once again,Best Luck,Patrick !! And both as ahold fart & a teacher,I expect a full report.
bill(Guillermo3)
February 9, 2012 at 2:56 am
I’ve gone through this very recently so I’ll go through what I experienced.
DO NOT dance around the issue. The more you try to lead up to it or stall the harder it will be to actually say it.
DO NOT use the phrase “I think I’m gay”, say it with confidence! If you make it sound like you aren’t sure, they won’t think you are!
DO NOT let yourself get panicked or afraid of initial reactions. Most of the time, people will be shocked at first but it doesn’t mean they will stay that way!
DO tell the people you care about only when you are ready. It’s not something that there is a “good time” for doing, that is up to you and what you feel.
DO take it one person at a time. It’s terrifying enough to come out to one person, there’s not reason you need to tell everyone at once!
DO make a basic plan of how you will bring it up.
DO NOT DOUBT YOURSELF. If you are truly ready to tell your loved ones, there’s no reason to doubt who you are.
February 9, 2012 at 11:49 am
I’m a little embarrassed to say that I came out to a friend…when I was drunk. I know this wasn’t the smartest way to do it, but what can I say, we tend to let things slip when intoxicated. But I am happy to say my buddy was 100% understanding and supportive. Our relationship has only gotten stronger.
February 12, 2012 at 10:55 pm
drunk-it happened after work-after drinking a whole bottle of Rhine Wine-the very next day-my work nightshift knew.alcohol-must be truth serum.it worked out well though.every single person i worked with-understood and supports me.but i was lucky.alcohol-just dont do it.
February 9, 2012 at 2:19 pm
Don’t tell your parents you got a girl pregnant to try soften the blow after you actually tell them you’re gay that they’ll never have to worry about that situation.. biggest mistake ever
February 9, 2012 at 2:24 pm
@Josh:
Great advice,Josh,in EVERY WAY!
The only problem I see is that many people aren’t sure they are gay,or know in their hearts’ hearts that they are gay,but spend years in denial.This “limbo” can be devastating___I’m saying this as one who’s been there: Being out of that cage has been a huge relief !Anyone have suggestions for people
in that situation?
February 9, 2012 at 3:04 pm
When I came out I sweated for weeks before. Then everyone said, “Oh, (yawn) we already know.” Why didn’t they tell ME! And why is it my Junior High Classmates knew I was gay before I did? Well, later I guess sharing a house with a (to be totally unPC) a effeminate sort of swishy friend tipped them off. We were JUST roommates. He said he wasn’t gay so I believed him. I even took him to company parties totally clueless to what people might be thinking. I have a strip of naivate (about real life) that could span the English Channel!
February 9, 2012 at 3:23 pm
@Peter from Minneapolis:
Thanks,Peter f M.,
Your statement about naiveté:That makes at least 2 of us!!! [I'm sure there are millions more].
Being much older,I guess that makes me a member,or prisoner,of the Perpetually Naive.
Ironic,isn’t it,that your friends[& enemies] can know that you’re gay before you do?!
February 9, 2012 at 3:11 pm
Don’t: forget to put your wank mag away whilst in a post-coital glow….awkward!!
February 9, 2012 at 3:26 pm
@Chris from UK:
Funny,Chris!!!__But why would you be looking at a “sank magazine” during coitus?
February 10, 2012 at 7:30 am
@ bill(Guillermo3) – That’s “wank” magazine, not “sank” magazine.
A “wank” magazine would a “masterbation material”. A magazine of a pornographic nature.
The situation described by “Chris from UK”, though not really relevant to this particular topic, is the one of dread when you see that such a magazine has been in plain view during your “coitus” activity.
It’s the last thing you’d want a “lover” to find. Kinda makes you out to be something of a loser. Certainly speaks to the personality of the owner anyway, and aspects of that person that aren’t true. Plus it would be just plain embarassing.
Why would you look at one during coitus – inspiration? LOL.
February 9, 2012 at 8:16 pm
@bill
Awwe thanks! (: He’s helping me with algebra right now.
February 10, 2012 at 2:03 am
@Patrick:
Great,Patrick!_told you it was possible:
And:You’re welcome….Almost makes up for you comment on the “Daddy” post.
Don’t forget:Take it slow [you,I mean_not him],though it would be great if Kevin makes the first move.[even trolls can dream!]
February 10, 2012 at 4:35 am
Do ” Come out when your ready. As much as we hear that in the gay community it’s true. You really need to be comfortable in your own shoes. Not only to becaause you must accept yourself first but you’ll be ablr to answer all the difficult questions.” Love yourself first and others will follow.
Do “Create a web of support. Whether they are friends or family, you’ll want someone to talk to about the pre and post – coming out.”
Do “Write down what you want to say to that important family member or friend. Even if it’s just bullets points or main ideas. Coming out is an emotional time whether its approval or not a little organization never hurt anyone.”
Don’t ” Let your friends or family for that matter pressure you to come out. It is your secret to tell and you do it when your ready!”
February 10, 2012 at 8:51 am
@Bill
Lol! In the daddy post I was going especially not Bill but I thought it would just draw more attention to you.
February 10, 2012 at 10:30 pm
most societies in america have reached a certain tolerance of LGBT so
-DO come out to whoever you think will be easiest first
-Do come out through whatever medium you want, it’s your sexuality and your decision.
February 12, 2012 at 5:33 pm
DO NOT rehearse it in front of the mirror where people can hear you!
DO NOT tell your dog; they are surprisingly homophobic creatures and will shun you.
But really.
DO make it a big step, but DO NOT make it out to be super climactic. You are affirming your sexual orientation, you are not affirming your identity, my friend. You will be the same person… but now you can cuddle with boys.
DO have a good head and a good heart.
DO NOT be afraid to experiment before coming out! Actions can tell you more than your thoughts if you are confused (although jerkin the gerkin to Mr. Effron is prob a tell-tale).
DO tell people in person. It means the world to your friends if you make it a face-to-face conversation. It shows you are serious and proud.
DO NOT WAIT. There is a clear time when keeping it hidden no longer matters to you. When you reach that happy place, then allow yourself to be happy.
*This is a gay MAN’s list
February 12, 2012 at 6:20 pm
@Brian:
Really good,practical,and funny advice,Brian.
I really appreciate your saying “Do it in person” ,and agree with you 100000000%. Hate to sound like a Luddite fossil,however I feel the convenience and safety of digital & electronic communications are wonderful,but that important messages deserve more than texting,e-mail.The reality shouldn’t be virtual.
February 12, 2012 at 6:08 pm
@+J.:
Yeah,+J..I know what a wank magazine is “sank was a typo,because I type almost as well as Australians speak English.
Needing one during coitus might indicate any number of problems,including “bad luck fishing”.
For you,+J.I think a skank magazine would be appropriate.
February 12, 2012 at 11:22 pm
@Daniel:,@christopher:
I’m happy for both of you that alcohol worked positively for you!!
But you’re right,christopher,alcohol can be dangerous:great stuff,in moderation, for relaxing,for enjoying,even,very occasionally,if you’re lucky,as you guys were,effective as “courage in a bottle”
Unfortunately,volumes can,& I’m sure have been written about the negative side gays and alcohol:as self medication to relieve self-hatred,as a means of perpetuating denial,or of not accepting oneself.
Take it from one who knows:I used it,and became an alcoholic,for all those reasons.Happy to say that alcohol is behind me for 3.5 years,that I finally reached acceptance,and came out,and now,not only feel better /freer,but wonder WFTF?,what was the big deal?
February 15, 2012 at 6:22 pm
Don’t: Hook up in a park with a guy in the park, get arrested, and then come out to your mom over the collect call from jail (speaking from experience of course).
Don’t: Let the anxiety control you. When you come out, you’re still you, nothing has changed.
Do: Bring it up in conversation, and work it into a discussion.
March 6, 2012 at 11:14 am
Come out to a church first, then they can just spread it all over the place for you and make up nasty rumors about you…worked for me! Yeah, DON’T come out to anyone you don’t trust. If you know your parents won’t react well or that there is even a slight possibility they won’t react well, don’t come out until you are ready to be on your own.
March 19, 2012 at 9:49 pm
Do feel comfortable with yourself first
Don’t come out if you’re not ready