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April 17, 2012
by Davey Wavey

If You Want Acceptance, Be Accepting.

Mother Theresa once said that if you spend your time judging people, then you have no time to love them. And it’s true. Judging people is one of the fastest, easiest and most effective ways to build distance between yourself the people around you.

As gay people, I know that we tend to be on the receiving end of much judgment. Through laws, our relationships are often judged to be unequal. Many millions of people believe that our love is evil and wrong. Sometimes, people even manifest that judgment through acts of violence against us.

But I also know that one of the easiest ways to change the world is to change ourselves. If we want to replace judgment with acceptance in the world, then we need to replace judgment with acceptance in ourselves.

Because we’ve experienced such judgment in our own lives, it’s always tempting to respond to others in the same way. But doing so further divides and already divisive world.

The truth is, we’re all brothers and sisters on this planet – and acceptance helps us realize and live this truth with great love. From American to Zambian. White or black. Tall or short. Gay or straight. We’re all in this together.

And I know that all of us can inspire deeper acceptance through the example we set with ourselves.


  1. Davey, How old are you? No, really. Thanks for your wisdom and great advise. Lets hope many more people get it the way you do.

  2. Thank you… thank you for having the resolve to bring this important lesson to light.

    Whether they accept it or not, prejudice truly has no gender. Gay men have not been as accepting of each other as we all would have preferred.

    • @Fishy:,@Davey Wavey:,@Everyone:
      Not just gay people not accepting other gay people[too low-class/too fem/too little muscle/too old/too lacking in fashion sense/too etc.,etc.,etc.,Or:Not you-name-it enough.
      But politically intolerant/bigoted:Two of the worst racists I’ve known were gay white men_one closeted,the other aggressively not.
      Davey,if your posts continue to be so enlightened/loving,you may,for better or worse, start a new religion!

  3. Also there is a thing called “respect” for yourself and more importantly for others. Our bible study group did a study of homosexuallity in the Bible. Well, the straights were out numbered but at the last class I had to say “I know there are people with strong beliefs about homosexuality. We were not here to change that. But you were here to listen. For that I respect you. The ones who put their fingers in their ears and say “I am not listening”, I have a problem with. You were willing to at least be receptive to other views.” Some people thanked my for that speech.

    “Accepting” is right. Yelling and screaming does nothing but make a person put their guard up and you might as well give up the argument.
    I used to hate the religious right until I realized where they got their beliefs from. Literately from the Bible. I can’t hate them anymore. I DON’T agree with them and they cheesed my off at times but I understand where they are coming from.

    There is transgendered person I know. She is very comfortable with herself and is always free to answer any questions people may have about being transgendered. She accepts herself and accepts that other people need knowledge which she freely gives. She is SO active in conferances and gives talks. She has changed a lot of people’s minds. Now that is a role mold.

  4. Davey, I find that those who insist on everyone being “tolerant” of others are often the least tolerant people on the planet–if the other person doesn’t agree on what should be tolerated. And often, those who want tolerance are just incredibly nasty to those with whom they disagree. Most gay people (of which I am one) hate the Tea Party (of which I am not a member) and Fox News (which I do not watch). Rather than listening to each other, trying to really understand the other side, being civil and finding civilized ways of discussing matters of disagreement, a lot of gay men and women call members of the Tea Party “teabaggers”–which is obviously a kinky sex act–as a way to be nasty and disrespectful to them, and they do nothing but brow beat those who watch Fox.

    I agree with Davey that being more accepting of these people–even if you disagree with them–is the best way to eventually win them over to accepting you. I’m not saying be a doormat, but that loving your enemies is the best way to eventually win them over. The struggle has not been easy, and some have even died because of hatred expressed physically towards gays (and yes, when that happens, it is correct to be angry and to say so), but to ultimately win the war, be better than your enemy, including what you say to them and how you respect them as fellow human beings. Not always easy, but the payoff is (and will be) worth it.

  5. What an excellent article! I’ve long witnessed and experienced enough to understand just how true this is.

  6. We definitely are all in this together. Thank you for yet another penisless and uplifting post :D

  7. Fishy nailed it when he said, “Gay men have not been as accepting of each other as we all would have preferred.” The reason for this is Internalized Homophobia – I have seen many gay brothers walking around with this insideous inner disease and it stops them dead in their tracks. They have very little inner or outer growth and trying to deal with them is like being with a block of stone. I’m convinced that all gays need to CONSCIOUSLY work on their own Internalized Homophobia because we are still exposed to so much Homophobia out there in society. Davey seems to certainly be working on his (and we ALL have it) but so many other gays do not. The first step is Insight, so let’s all start working on our own Internalized Homophobia. If you can’t accept yourself because of all that inner junk congested inside you, you’re not likely to be accepting of others either. Peace Out – and check out your inner being.

    • @Dave From Canada:
      Dave,both you and Fishy are great nailers__That internalized homophobia,and the unkindness to & about other gays is horrifically widespread,fomenting self-hatred,delaying,or incapacitating self-acceptance,and creating passivity/apathy,perhaps fear about bullying,fag-bashing,and the denial of equal rights.
      Thank you!

  8. Very true Davey. I think the golden rule applies here. Treat others as you would want to be treated.

  9. Thank you Davey – I’ve seen this problem for many years and it only gets worse. One day I hope our community begins to look within and stop judging. Realize you are hurting the very people you also claim to be seeking equality for.

    There is a “caste” system in the gay community and its becoming very ugly. Its the ultimate in hypocrisy. What is even more disturbing is that it seems, in my view, to be worsening in the younger gay community.

    Let’s work to stop this trend. Like it says in the song: “I’m looking at the man in the mirror – if you want the world to be a better place, then change…make that change…” It begins with each of us. Stop this behavior before we become our OWN worst enemy. I’ve seen it for too long and I have been the subject of it as well. Its ugly from both sides.

    If we truly want equality, we have to be an example of people who deserve it. Let’s not make the coming out process more difficult, especially for the young – if you are bullied from both sides, which I fear is happening, it makes it more difficult in the coming out process. At this point in time, all of this should be improving or better still, non-existent.

    Thank you to Davey for taking a stand and putting this important subject out there to be examined. We cannot expect change if we are not willing to change. That’s the bottom line.

  10. I am 100% for your messages.

  11. I am 100% for the messages that you are exspousing. We rely do need to be the change we want.

  12. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, intersex, genderqueer, queer, questioning people are born with unalienable rights. We do not require anyone’s acceptance, agreement, approval, tolerance, understanding or respect because our human rights are a fact not a question. Only when we start demanding our unalienable birth right – unconditional constitutional equality – will we stop asking for acceptance – we are already acceptable and the opinions of heterosupremacist tyrannical theocRATS are irrelevant.

    BUT LGBTIQ people are not always willing to recognize one another’s unalienable rights. We must also unite for our common equality and what we think about each other does not matter.

  13. how very well simply put-i luv this.one place to experience what DW says.go to any gym-and work out.over time you will experience exactly what this blog says over and over.bells will go off in your head-and later you will say-Thanx-Davey Wavey.

  14. This post is so true in every sense of the word! Thank you! And I’m from Zambia! Awesome!

  15. http://bilwalsh.wordpress.com/

    I guess even the most tolerant of people are know to judge. I dont think I will ever forget my mum saying, ‘your boyfriend can come to dinner and all, but does he have to wear the earring??

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