Break the Illusion Blog by Davey Wavey

While labels may be best suited for clothes, it hasn’t stopped many gay people from adopting classifications to describe the subcultures in the gay community. There are daddies, twinks, twunks, otters, cubs – and yes, even bears.

Last night, I had the pleasure of attending a bingo fundraiser for Rhode Island Pride hosted by Haley Star and Kitty Litter. One of the guest callers was a representative from Bear Providence. He was asked to define a “bear.” Most of us think of bears as furry, cuddly gay men. But I was surprised by the gentleman’s answer. “Anyone can be a bear,” he said. “It’s a state of mind. It’s really just a guy that is laid back, relaxed and not all about drama.”

And it was in that moment that I realized that – despite having virtually no body hair – I was, in fact, a bear.

The thing about drama is that it takes a lot of energy to sustain, and it requires doing things, reacting or holding perspectives in a way that results in resistance. In other words, drama doesn’t happen to us; we create it through our participation. Our actions, reactions and thoughts are now – and always have been – our choices.

If your boyfriend cheats on you, for example, how you handle that situation is a choice. You might fight about it and seek revenge on the parties involved. Or you might realize the relationship isn’t for you and seek a more appropriate mate. Or you might put yourself in your partner’s shoes. You might use the infidelity as an opportunity to know your partner better, and to communicate and connect on a deeper level. It’s always a choice.

At the end of the day, I like making choices that support the relaxed, loving and affirming life that I envision.

And I guess that makes me a bear. So woof, woof.

P.S. Ten bonus points if you can tell me what a “salmon” is in the comments. I learned it last night.

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