This morning’s post was inspired by a conversation that I had with a certain special someone yesterday evening. I spent some time thinking about moods – that is, the tendency of people to let their dispositions be dictated by the events in their lives.
“What a peculiar thing?”, I thought to myself. But then I remembered a not-so-distant time in my life where I thought of myself as a powerless passenger on some great figurative and emotional roller coaster called life, going up with the hills and down with the valleys.
Over the years, I have learned that we don’t need to let the events in our life determine or influence our mood. Failing a test, getting fired from a job or losing a loved-one can only get us down in the dumps if we allow it to do so. When something goes “awry” in our lives, the event must first ask for our consent to make us angry, sad or pissy. So many of us hand over that consent unconsciously. And so many of us then use our negative mood as a weapon against the people we love.
Bitter moods and attacks on loved ones don’t serve our personal evolution.
Someone once shared with me the analogy of the eye of a hurricane. It’s being calm among the chaos. No matter what happens around us, “good” or “bad”, we can center ourselves on the constant hum of love that pervades the universe.
October 29, 2008 at 8:31 am
Bitter moods and attacks on loved ones don’t serve our personal evolution.
I like that!
October 29, 2008 at 9:14 am
I think its one of life’s lessons to learn to control our impulsive and at times very dangerous emotions.
October 29, 2008 at 10:42 am
This concept also allows you to live and coexist with other people in the world. Sometimes it’s not even dealing with your loved ones, but just the ordinary day where you interact with everyone. Leaving your personal issues and moods aside is something that can be difficult and can affect how you interact with everyone.
Great post!
Ciao – J
October 29, 2008 at 10:45 am
I have crippled myself by suppressing my feelings, telling myself that I was controlling bad impulses. For me, the healing has come through learning to stop, to really feel what is coming up for me and then making a conscious decision about how to express the feelings in a healthy way. Being part of a men’s group where I can go for support has helped enormously, too.
The key for me is making the conscious decision about an appropriate healthy expression of my feelings and not just suppressing them to fester and eat at me from the inside.
October 29, 2008 at 10:54 am
When I feel a downward slide in my mood coming on, I start to mentally ‘talk to myself’.
I stop and consider what is happening and what caused the event. I think about the situation find the root cause. The info is filed for future reference. I take a deep breath and force my self to calm down and get a grip.
I may not walk away smiling, but at least I do not walk away in a vile mood that puts off everyone I am in contact with for the rest of the day.
Now the complete honesty part: there are times when the self analysis does come after the fact and I have already been an ass. Then I am in the situation where I have to apologize to the other person.
It does work most of the time – the rest of the time, Oh Well!!.
October 29, 2008 at 11:12 am
I really like this reflection… but unfortunately, the reality can be a little bit different. I am a medical student in Australia and I recently had an encounter with a patient suffering from depression.
The unfortunate thing is: it is not a matter of some people LETTING “their dispositions be dictated by the events in their lives”… it can be something entirely out of their control – the harsh reality of mood disorder.
This patient was a 20-something girl from a seemingly nice family, brought up well with a good education… no real negative life events that her condition could be attributed to…
Please don’t misinterpret this comment – your blog entry is beautiful and can certainly apply to many people and your advice can provide much relief for many out there… it’s certainly does no harm, even for those with a serious medical condition, to give your advice a go!
Please continue to share your thoughts.
October 29, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Is it really a mood disorder? Consider that these disorders are the creations of pharmaceutical corporations preying upon people’s lust for convenience and their subconscious desire not to have to be responsible for their actions or moods. Consider that it’s much easier for people when given a magic pill solution that covers up their misery just enough so they don’t have to expend any effort confronting the underlying issues. Why promote curing something naturally when you can treat it perpetually and make bundles of money doing it?
This isn’t the truth, of course. Just a possibility. And being that it is possible, isn’t it incumbent on us to at least consider it?
December 7, 2008 at 6:13 am
Dave from Windsor wrote on October 29, 2008 11:21 pm:
Is it really a mood disorder? Consider that these disorders are the creations of pharmaceutical corporations preying upon people’s lust for convenience and their subconscious desire not to have to be responsible for their actions or moods. Consider that it’s much easier for people when given a magic pill solution that covers up their misery just enough so they don’t have to expend any effort confronting the underlying issues.
From the sounds of it, you have never suffered – and I use that word specifically – from depression. Let mebe the first to tell you this: I am happy for you!
However, to suggest – or “consider” that someone in that condition – let’s say me, for example – wants,”…a magic pill solution that covers up their misery just enough so they don’t have to expend any effort confronting the underlying issues” is to minimize the devastation of the illness. It also is a somewhat narrow vision of what one’s journey through finding a treatment that works for them specifically.
I know you said that, “This isn’t the truth, of course,” but that we should at least consider it. If you have lived with it yourself, or lived with someone who braves each day in a depressive state, you would understand how much time and effort we do put into our recovery.
You assume that taking “a magic pill” is all that is done, and POOF! we are all better. Any good doctor will combine medication with weekly therapy for maximum effect. In therapy is where we actually do expend effort confronting the underlying issues.
If you are lucky, the first medication you try will work for you well enough after 6-8 weeks that it outweighs all the side-effects. If not, you wean off that drug, and then start a new one, wait for it to take effect (another 6 – 8 weeks) and wait to see what side-effects come with this one. If that doesn’t work, you wean off that drug and then keep trying them until you find one that helps the most with the least amount of side-effects. It took years for me to find the right “magic pill”.
And prior to those years? I tried meditation, acupuncture, psychotherapy, holistic medicine, exercise and diet regimens, and a multitude of combinations thereof. My point? Each one of us is different in our chemical make-up, genetic disposition, and life experience. Some things will work for some while it will have no impact on another with the same condition.
Does it serve any of us to judge others in this manner? Perhaps if you could sit down and really find out the stories of people and their experience with depression, you may come away an understanding that some of the drugs that that pharmaceutical companies “make bundles of money” making may just actually be helpful, and worth every single cent of the cost to the patient and their loved ones.
October 29, 2008 at 11:40 am
Davey, your blog post reminds me of one of my favorite poems, “If” by Rudyard Kipling. I commend it to all: http://www.everypoet.com/archive/poetry/Rudyard_Kipling/kipling_if.htm
October 29, 2008 at 9:09 pm
that is a wonderful poem..thanks
October 29, 2008 at 11:55 am
Bitter moods and attacks on loved ones don’t serve our personal evolution.
Depends on what you mean?
October 29, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Is that special someone Scotty?
Anywho, I love how you repeat things in your blog to constantly remind us
Very wise words but sometimes you shouldn’t bottle your feelings. I don’t think that’s healthy but I know what your saying and hope I can do it in my life.
Love, Gavin
October 29, 2008 at 3:22 pm
I AGREE, today I took a test (I’m a Nursing student), don’t know if I did that well, it’s kinda iffy, but on the drive home, I found myself smiling looking at the woods on either side of the road. The Autumn foliage is in peak here on Cape Cod. I realized how much I love this time of year and how much I missed this when I lived away in southern California!! I’m still unsure about how I did on my test but seeing the beauty of all the brilliantly colored leaves made my test result “secondary”. Hooray for Autumn!! (yeah, I know, I’m kinda a weirdo like that)
October 29, 2008 at 4:03 pm
I think you sound pretty cool
October 29, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Hope you did well on your exam!
October 29, 2008 at 3:31 pm
That’s solid advice, man.
October 29, 2008 at 3:45 pm
eye of a hurricane. It’s being calm among the chaos.
that is a great thing to live by
thanks davey
October 29, 2008 at 3:46 pm
While y’all are centering yourselves in this controlled stoicism, and you still need someone cussed out, call me.
Dirty Deeds – And They’re Done Dirt Cheap
Dirty Deeds – And They’re Done Dirt Cheap
October 29, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Jimmy..can you please tell me what you just said?
thanks
Mike
October 29, 2008 at 10:47 pm
It means I am willing to be vile and unpleasant in your place. I will make that sacrifice.
AC/DC “Dirty Deads” song…remember?
October 29, 2008 at 10:49 pm
“Dirty Deeds” I mean
October 30, 2008 at 5:28 am
ok..thanks Jimme
October 29, 2008 at 4:41 pm
I completely agree — but that doesn’t mean that it’s NOT hard to do. I believe that this is a challenge that requires a lot of maturity to accomplish. I went to a leadership camp this past summer, and they told me, “Act, not react,” and, “The only thing you can control is your attitude.” Some people think that forcing other people to act in “better” ways is the hardest thing, but in fact, the most difficult changes in personality are within ourselves — within our habits and characteristics.
It is extremely hard to think about every. single. action. Even if we try, there are always emotions that get by us, hostile thoughts that run through our heads so quickly that we don’t even notice that they were there in the first place. And then we continue not to notice as those certain thoughts begin to linger longer and longer each time, until they completely dictate our actions. By then, we need someone else to tell us that we are possessed, for we cannot possibly sense it ourselves.
I have learned that the best way to get through life is through peace. As you have stated, “by being the eye in the storm.” Allowing oneself to be overwhelmed, irritated, or angry truthfully does not do any good for anybody. Still, this is a lesson that I have acknowledged but have yet to master.
Keep up your wisdom. I love reading your blog. <3
October 29, 2008 at 7:16 pm
You’re right Davey.
I feel that for my friends, in the roughest of times, I always remain calm for them, I never get too excited or biased, and I keep the calm.
And I owe it to my friends to keep the peace between them, in return for being my friends =]
October 29, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Nothing can dictate how we act or react in a given situation unless we give away our power either to the circumstances or to the people involved. We are 100% the cause of everything that happens in our world and when we acknowledge and accept it, we begin not only to exist in reality but create the reality that we want to exist.
I was drinking and dancing at a club in Toronto a couple of weeks back. I got on stage and started dancing. Someone pushed me and I fell off. I had some choices to make. I could have become angry, searched out the rude individual who pushed me and exchanged words with them. What would that have accomplished? I had landed on my feet and although my ankle hurt, I wasn’t going to ruin my own night and that of other patrons too. I chose to continue dancing on the floor below.
About a minute after my fall, I was approached by a couple of bouncers. From their perspective I had fallen off the stage and they were under orders to escort me out because I could have been too intoxicated. My best friend came to my aid and said ‘Hey guys – Get your hands off him. He was pushed.’
Again I had a choice to make. I could have resisted and protested. It old my friend ‘Josh, these guys are doing their job. Get the others, get our coats and meet me outside.’
The bouncers asked ‘Are you seriously OK with this?’
I responded ‘I work for a living too. I don’t want anyone telling me how to do my job and I’m not going to tell you how to do yours. What does it profit me to put up a fight and make a scene? My night is over whether I resist or allow this to happen. It’s not going to ruin my night to have to leave here. But if I resist and make a scene, I would potentially ruin both of your nights and those of all the other people here. What good would that serve? In the end, I’ve had a great time and you’ve asked me to leave. I’ve still had a great time nonetheless.’
He took me to the VIP area, lifted the velvet rope and said ‘Why don’t you just spend the rest of the night in here. Your friends can join you and you can finish out the night in style.’
Had I given myself over to finding the person who had pushed me and exchanged words, I would have been tossed out unceremoniously. Instead I chose an attitude that promoted workability for everyone involved. Even if I had been thrown out I still would have had a great night but instead I got to spend an hour in the VIP area with my friends and some of Toronto’s elite
We are not robots. There are no statements in our programming that say ‘if pushed then push back’. We have a choice. It’s all a matter of exercising it rather than abdicating it.
October 30, 2008 at 4:57 am
It’s funny how things you are taught when you are younger make more sense as you get older. Growing up Catholic, it wasn’t uncommon to hear the words “Don’t entertain impure thoughts” of course at the time I thought they were just talking about sex stuff (and they probably were), but the real impure thoughts are such things as “anger, sadness, pissiness, etc”. It’s okay, and healthy, to feel these feelings, but not to entertain them, to dwell on them, to allow them to control us. What I try to do is to allow myself to feel it and then let it just keep going, not allowing the situation to have any more power over me. It’s like the old pebble in the shoe. I can chose to let the pebble (anger, sadness, etc) stay in my shoe and cause more pain, or I can acknowledge that it’s there, take my shoe off, shake it out, and get moving on with my journey . . . later blog buddies, have a blessed day
November 3, 2008 at 5:00 pm
I kinda get what you are saying, but I feel as though anger, sadness, pain, sorrow, joy, happieness, is what makes us human I feel trying to supress certain emotions is not healthy. Life is a balance between the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly its the rainy days that makes us appreciate the sunny days, its the pain that makes enjoy plesure, it is death that makes life so precious for without death we would take each day for granted. So as for me I accept people as they are the good and the bad. Emotions are what makes us humans.