This afternoon, I was making small talk with a gay guy named Derek. In our brief conversation, Derek self-identified as ugly and expressed his certainty that he’d die alone.
Three things.
First, Derek is beautiful. It is completely beside the fact that Derek is physically attractive (in my opinion). Of course, Derek isn’t alone; many of us have a hard time seeing what is actually reflected in our mirror. Nonetheless, “attractive” or not, each of us is beautiful. We’re a miracle of cells all pulsing to the beat of a human life – we are all infinitely gorgeous in this respect. The only thing “ugly” is Derek’s attitude.
Second, if you mope around the world proclaiming your ugliness, people might eventually start to believe you. Worst of all, you may start to believe yourself. As Ian wrote in a recent comment, “If you tell yourself a lie enough times, you will start to believe it.”
Third, he may be correct about dying alone. Through our actions, words, thoughts and energy, we emit a frequency to the world. Derek’s frequency strikes me as bug spray for boyfriends. The mantra of “no one will love me” will probably serve Derek well in keeping potential suitors at bay; his conviction is a self-fulfilling prophecy as we tend to see what we believe.
Though I know that I can not change Derek, I feel compassion for him and his perspectives. He has certainly created a difficult world for himself. But when all is said and done, all paths lead to truth – some are just longer than others.
May 27, 2010 at 4:02 pm
Wow. This is so beautiful. I wish I can lead a life like yours.
May 31, 2010 at 11:43 am
I have to respectfully disagree. Although no one may physically be around me when I die, I believe that those you chose to make part of your journey are with you. How they interact and participate in your journey to the world beyond depends on who you picked. Number one in my book is god/the universe and I know I shall not die alone. No one has to . . .
May 31, 2010 at 12:25 pm
Guy Paul, Yes I agree with you that individualism has always been an “American” value; probably the value we esteem most.
However there are many, many indicators that the emphasis on and the centrality of Individualism is distorting or destroying community, civility, and respect for others. What we need is a balance among the values in our belief systems both as individuals and as a society.
June 1, 2010 at 4:51 pm
I am sorry to tell you Henry but I think one of you has a Addiction/Alcoholism and the other is a Alonon (co-dependent). Take care of yourself…
June 1, 2010 at 5:02 pm
Do you know there is a whole group of me that like big, furry men. whats your problem, and have seen them most beautiful men with them. I think to myself. WOW! In this group of men the bigger the hairier the better. crazy but true. I find that the bigger my boyfriends, dates, sex partners are the kinder, gentler and unselfish they are. I date all kinds of men small, medium and large. I don’t look at certain attributes honestly, I’m weird I guess, on some men it bothers me on other I love it. I guess it’s in there confidence. So be good to yourself everyone is beautiful to someone… TRUST ME…
June 1, 2010 at 5:50 pm
That’s a little harsh, and indeed completely incorrect. You don’t know me, or what I think (or who I am).
“Love yourself” is a complete misnomer. I’m very self-aware, and perhaps that’s why I’m actually realistic about how I feel. Whilst I do sometimes doubt how on earth my partner can be in love with me, I do believe it. Perhaps he is attracted to me being grounded, unselfish, and deep.
I don’t believe I am particularly physically attractive (average is a word that comes to mind), but this is not my only trait. In another post I mention how I deal with being average looking, is being highly educated. That to many is attractive.
The point I am making is that those of us who are not blessed by great looks, will rely on other traits like intelligence, tenderness, and our projection of love onto others. I don’t have to love myself to be attractive, and in fact, I do believe that loving oneself is ultimately unattractive, and perhaps the best indicator for self-centredness.
June 1, 2010 at 5:51 pm
After 8 years with my partner I have no doubt we are co-dependent. Isn’t that the point of being in a relationship. Like in marriage, two become one.
June 5, 2010 at 1:30 am
Interesting perspective. I am torn between believing what it said to be some utopistic and unrealistic perspective on reality. Self-prophecies, though common, are not always our own doing, but rather our observations on situations in our own lives that happen to take a pattern outside of our control. Its true that we can break these habits, but it’s infinitely more difficult to change the way that we are perceived by others, despite what we try and how dedicated we are.
I agree with the positive attitudes and idealistic situation that you and others put forward, but I’m sceptical of it’s actual result. Further to that, as a follower I read what you say and despite preaching compassion, I find your sometime dismissive attitudes towards people who don’t follow truth philosophies, counter-productive and quite contradictory to what you set forth to do.
Food for thought, only. =)
June 17, 2010 at 11:37 am
Wow, I’ve been told I was ugly multiple times, and that I am getting uglier by the minute. I even got ones from my very own parents. It is hard to just shrug it off. Esp. when you live with them under one roof, which I am, but hey, God made us this way because we are beautiful in his eyes this way. So I don’t care what others have to say. If I turned out to look like this by nature and they think it’s not pretty, who cares? They’re not God, they won’t save me when judgment time comes. And to put that aside, you should just be real happy with what you have. Because if you found someone who will love you for who your truly are, then you know that’s real love.
July 26, 2010 at 1:45 am
I’m sorry but this post is jejune drivel. I appreciate that you are trying to be helpful and consoling but the fact that you constantly receive affirmation due to your physical beauty (whether you are aware of it or not) is clear by your analysis and your somewhat vapid observation that “we are all beautiful”. Some people achieve romantic companionship with great difficulty, in spite of compensatory advantages, because they are physically unattractive. Being physically unattractive to prospective partners imposes real limits on one’s quality of life. It leads to low self-esteem and can affect performance in domains in which one would otherwise enjoy success due to natural endowment, education, etc. I am average-looking at best (5’8” and bald) and I enjoy some social success due to my intelligence and charisma but I have had difficulty finding suitable partners due to my physical appearance. I agree with a previous poster that self-perceived unattractiveness may encourage a person to cultivate compensatory abilities and enhance that person’s empathic capacity. Although I envy them, unusually attractive individuals rarely develop rare abilities because they enjoy a spontaneous and immediate social success. Some may view this as the invisible curse of beauty. Nevertheless, I would prefer to be more beautiful as I think being so is conducive to happiness. Being intelligent, cultivated etc. are not nearly as conducive to happiness. Our most profound desire to be loved and admired by other human beings. Extreme talent can compensate for being unattractive but the ratio of compensation is not 1:1. I hate to admit it but I resent people who are attractive, not solely due to envy but because they tend to have a simplistic, naive social outlook. They are sheltered from the ugliest, ineliminable aspects of human nature. I think that the author of this post is a male model goes a long way towards explaining the vacuity and sanguinity of this entry. I know that is politically incorrect but I don’t think it’s hard to justify enunciating damning generalizations about a group (the beautiful) who enjoys so much arbitrary privilege, especially when the generalizations are largely accurate.
July 26, 2010 at 12:56 pm
Social Psychology has demonstrated time and time again that, “What is Beautiful is Good.” That is, that in practical everyday life there are characteristics that hinders a person’s “success.” Studies have shown that:
+ Taller guys are more likely to get a job and be promoted than shorter guys.
+ The same is true of quys who are even slightly overweight.
+ Seeing the same academic records but with different pictures,teachers are more likely to say the cute kid will be a greater success in life then the “ugly” kid.
+ When shown an array of pictures to the opposite sex, college students are much more likely to choose the attractive person over a “plain looking” person as someone that would like to date.
+ It has been shown that even juries in criminal trials are more likely to believe the testimony of attractive witnesses over the testimony of unattractive witnesses. (There are exceptions in domestic and sex-related trials where attractiveness/beauty works against a person).
Just pick up almost any college-level social psychology textbook to see more details.
Yes, I believe that “true beauty” is much more than just physical attractiveness, but anyone who says physical attractiveness is not extremely important in all kinds of interaction are not living in reality.
I agree that there are many things we can do to increase our self-esteem and some of our characteristics, inner and outer. But most of all this depends on genetics and the cultural definition of beauty that predominates at the time.
BTW, Although there must be, I have never seen research on gays in this area.
November 23, 2010 at 1:19 am
Insecurities
http://www.youtube.com/user/worthy0217ll
November 28, 2010 at 4:33 pm
i concur!
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April 1, 2011 at 4:00 am
I have felt the same way at times, but to be honest it isn’t true, I mean, as Davey said, we are all beautiful, in and of ourselves, the human race is sheer awe, and I wont let myself kick the bucket until everyone hears me say that! <3
August 7, 2011 at 7:02 pm
My impression of death is that is one which we must not fear, it is one which will lead us to Gods holy and divine presence.