In my disgruntled mumblings in yesterday’s post, I wrote that “the more something hurts, the more there is to learn.”
I think it is worth expanding on that observation.
Our suffering is caused by a gap between the way things are and the way we want things to be. The further our will is from the will of the universe, the deeper and more profound the pain will be. Wherever this resistance occurs in our lives, there is an opportunity to transcend our suffering and evolve.
For instance, many people experience suffering during break ups. This is one of the easier examples to explore, so let’s dig deeper. To overcome the suffering of a break up, I would ask myself the following questions:
- Because I love my boyfriend, wouldn’t I want him to be happy – even if that meant living a life without me?
- Is it “love” when you wish to hold someone captive for your own benefit?
- Isn’t my relationship with myself more important than my relationship with my boyfriend?
- Isn’t it true that our relationship will end at some point – either through death or separation? Isn’t it much wiser to make peace with the inevitable than to resist it?
- If nothing real dies, then what is there to fear?
- If we part ways, isn’t it certain that something even more incredible is in store for me?
- What doors have opened in my life as a result of this door closing?
- Isn’t it possible (or even very likely) that I will come to see this break up as a tremendous gift in the not-so-distant future?
- Doesn’t everything happen for a reason?
Through a barrage of questions like these, holes appear in the suffering – and the gap between “what is” and “what you want to be” starts to close.
The process could take a few moments, or a few years – ultimately it is as easy or as hard as you decide it should be. But it is always possible to learn from our suffering, and to turn our pain into quantum leap in our personal evolution.
This is why many people come to be thankful for the biggest challenges in their lives – like being gay.
January 26, 2010 at 3:16 pm
thanks this is very helpful, since I’m sort of going through a break up. it’s true the more we resist, the more pain we feel.
January 27, 2010 at 3:09 pm
Aiden, I am right there with you. I too, am just experienceing a breakup and right now it is incredibly painful, but I know it is for the better and one of these days, my hurt surely will go away!
January 26, 2010 at 3:30 pm
Pain is part of every life. My dog feels sadness when I leave. I feel pain when a friend dies. Another friend has a kidney stone. She feels pain.
I do not believe that to be human, or just to be alive, means that there is something wrong with you if you feel pain. To be devoid of emotion should not be anyone’s goal. Pain is the flip-side of joy. Both are necessary for us to grow and experience this temporary life in a physical body. We cannot and will not learn and develop into all that this existence has for us if our goal is to be emotionless creatures that have no feeling.
I dare to say that if you love, you will feel some degree of pain. You will empathize with others (like those in Haiti, for example) not just dismiss their plight as “the best that the universe has to offer.”
As humans we should care. We should feel.
January 26, 2010 at 5:17 pm
Wow Davey, this one was great! Just what I needed to hear!
January 27, 2010 at 1:06 pm
Nailed my thoughts I’m currently going through!!! TY Davey <3
January 26, 2010 at 5:56 pm
Answers:
1. Most people love their partner for the joy that partner brings to their life. When said partner feels he/she will be happier elsewhere- the main point of loving them kinda goes away.
2. Yes – that’s love. No need for inverted commas. That’s the way evolution wanted us to be so that we can care better for our youngs.
3. More, less, who cares? They’re not mutually exclusive- you can have an awesome relationship with yourself AND your bf. Who cares what’s “more” important?
4. Only if you belong to the “whats the point” school of thought. You don’t.
5. The unknown. What happens post-death. That’s the biggest fear. Without it horror movies would be dead-in-the-water.
6. No. That is far from inevitable.
7. Did they open AS A RESULT or did they just open? Wouldnt they open regardless of that other door shutting?
8. Maybe. Maybe not.
9. No. Some things happen for no reason.
Davie- what I’m trying to say is that most people have a pretty strong intuition and for most people these questions seem counterintuitive. To many of us (maybe all of us) there is no silver lining – the real remedy is to wait for the cloud to go away. Eventually. Philosophy and emotional turmoil just don’t mix. For you not to realise it means that you have probably never had a really painful breakup.
January 26, 2010 at 6:05 pm
Probably not had a really painful breakup, or not really valued the relationship that broke up.
January 27, 2010 at 3:08 am
I disagree with you on most of your points, but most especially on your response to point #2. When Davey asks “Is it love when you want to hold someone captive for your own benefit?” you answered yes. It doesn’t sound like love to me. If I’m in love with someone I want them to be happy. I want them to have the things they want. I want the best for them. Holding them captive in a relationship seems to contradict all of those things.
You say that to many people there are no silver linings. I disagree, strongly with that. I would suggest that those people not seeing the silver linings aren’t looking for them. They are content to wallow in the misery of the cloud for the time being. It’s a waste of time, in my opinion. When Conan O’Brien left the air, last Friday, he could have done so being pissed at NBC and at Jay Leno and whatever. Instead he made an impassioned speech thanking NBC for the 20-some good years he had with them and telling people that although we may not always get what we wanted if we work hard and are kind amazing things will happen. He was that positive after being ousted from one of the greatest jobs known to man. I, myself, am going through something to a far lesser degree: I recently started dating a guy. I’ve been through some s**t in my life and I let this guy in more deeply than I’ve ever let anyone in. It was difficult for me. After a while, he’s started chatting less, talking less and won’t make much time to see me. My choices are to see this as a tragedy – that I opened up to him and was closer to him than I’ve ever been to another human being and he’s rejecting me – or to see this as a marvelous breakthrough – I actually let someone in and got over the fears and demons of my past so that I could be open and let him get that close. This experience with him has been the greatest thing to happen to me in a great long time and although I don’t want it to end, the fact that it happened at all is cause for celebration and joy. I’m sad that he’s become distant but that pales compared to my joy at the closeness and connectedness I felt with him. The silver lining here is that if I can do it with him – someone I thought would NEVER even give me the time of day in the first place – I can do it with anyone – and someone out there will be “the one”. It’s all a matter of choosing the perspective that empowers you.
January 27, 2010 at 10:52 am
Good for you, Mosaic Dave! Your take on your break-up is very mature. And I agree that yes, you will find something better for having experienced this man and this break-up. All the best!
January 27, 2010 at 10:44 pm
Captivating sure beats being held captive.
January 26, 2010 at 6:46 pm
Anthony and Jayden – accept my sincere respect. Almost completely agree with you.
My boyfriend finds it quite important to experience pain in order to more value the happiness. You can’t understand the light part of the life to the full extent if you don’t see the dark one enough.
Nevertheless I believe that the post isn’t devoted to the avoidance of pain by all means. Or to a list of rescue questions in case of a break-up. It seems to me, it’s about how to overcome the pain, how to find the internal forces in order to manage yourself emotionally and go on living. And the conclusion is right – one can turn his (her) pain into the next steps of the personal evolution. As we put it in Russia, “if the thing doesn’t kill me, it makes me stronger”.
However, in case of a break-up I would rather propose to estimate what option would bring more happiness to one’s life: making the things back (and then – how to achieve it?) or just go ahead with your life. Certainly, it isn’t an easy way to undergo, but just very logical.
January 26, 2010 at 9:32 pm
OR
you could cut all the mumbo gumbo guru bullshit and simply state…
you’re boyfriend wants to break-up with you because you can’t keep you dick in your pants.
January 26, 2010 at 11:46 pm
Either that or Davey discovered he doesn’t want to keep his dick in his pants, or maybe realised that his boyfriend is getting just as much action back home or whatever it is.
He’s not the first person to discover that open relationships are not all that awesome. He;s not the first one to discover than you actually DO care. And he’s not the last either.
Such is life.
And touché re the guru bullshit. Sometimes you need to absorb the presence off the cloud sans silver lining…
January 27, 2010 at 7:39 am
Ditto. This is the “power of positive thinking” or rationalizing. Either way, it sounds like a lot of b.s. I admire Davey for his positive attitude, his ambition, his energy, all that…but sometimes even the wisest guru pushes the limit.
January 27, 2010 at 12:23 pm
I agree that this time DW has gone too far. As a relationship falls apart it is painful and you must realize that the pain prepares you for what is ahead. My 10 year plus relationship fell part and now after 25 years of sharing the joys and pains of life with the love of my life I can realize that the first relationship’s experience was just the training ground for the real meaningful truth. That truth is that even without someone to share your life with, share the joys of life, the pains of life, the death of parents, siblings, and pets, the exploring of the world, the loss of jobs, bankruptcy,foreclosure on your home and being homeless for a period of time, life can be a bitch. But with someone to love and share life’s bad times with life is always wonderful.
Guess what I am rambling about is..if your love is real, then you don’t need to try to valid that love. If you try to hang on to a love that is forced then you will never realize what love can truly be.
January 27, 2010 at 12:36 am
I think that unfortunately emotions do not obey the same logic as what the mind does. For some types e.g head types its easier to talk yourself in or out of something than say heart or stomach types. But the emotions still have to be accepted and integrated.
That said some people never get past certain events in their lives. They seem “stuck”. But if you can move on, then almost certainly the growth you experienced will help when the same same situation comes round again.
January 27, 2010 at 2:50 am
Davey, you speak much wisdom here, but I want to expand on your ideas.
You developed a very strong rational and intellectual argument here. However it has been my experience that you can not rationalize away feelings. It might seem that you can, but if you neglect experiencing your emotions and feelings, including suffering, you will not fully move on. In my experience, as I got older, into my 30′s rationalizing why things hurt at times, why I was suffering stopped working. I realized that my feelings have always been there, and simply got stronger, as if they were hybernating. Eventually I had to just sit with my feelings because my explanations started failing.
In fact it is dangerous to rationalize your feelings and think that you are past it. All this hidden feeling will eventually hit you hard, which is most likely why people snap at some point, or go through mid-life crisis.
This is a long post, and I want to write one more after this. BTW I always reserve the right to be wrong if you disagree with me. lol
January 27, 2010 at 3:00 am
Cont’d
There is a neurological physiological explanations for why I say it’s dangerous to only rationalize your feelings and suffering. The brain had two lobes, the right primarily works with rational thought. The left works on irrational thought and feelings. Both parts of the brain are real and the more they work together the healthier you will be.
If you try to push your feelings aside because you understand the situation, they will still be there, just ignored. For this they need to be expressed in some way.
The reason why it is dangerous to ignore feelings and rational thoughts alike is because your brain is connected to every cell in your body and it sends electrical signals to them. Thus when you have a thought or feeling you are sending signals to your body whether you know it or not. Your body actually stores these feelings and thoughts in the body, and basically lay dormant. However, a couple different things can happen. It can eventually turn in a physical problem, some kind of disease. Or it might come back out of nowhere.
In my case, I spent my 20′s being strong and understanding, but by the time I was in my early 30′s a severe depression hit that I couldn’t really explain. I realized I was still hurting from all the things I thought I had made sense of. It was hard, but through therapy I’m getting past it finally and am at peace.
I know I’ve been writing a lot here, but this is something I feel strongly about. If you read all this thank you for your time! I would love feedback, for I intend to write a book by the time I’m in my 60′s. lol
January 27, 2010 at 3:08 am
I think I mixed up the brain hemisperes. The right brain is artistic, feelings etc. The left brain is intellectual and rational.
January 27, 2010 at 7:31 am
Davey, YOU are so insperational. I have a quote of my own. Only the journey is written, not the destination. And sometimes writings cross & mix but for how long no one knows. If the stories seperate you can’t wait for them to come back, you must move forward in serch for a happier ending.
January 27, 2010 at 7:43 am
we have a choice, we do not need to live in pain! We can learn from the past experiences and the hurt we have been through and continue a life in the light. We just have to kill of our ego and those negative emotions and past feelings of hurt. What we were no longer counts. It is who we are right now, forget past pain and future pain. Are you in pain right now? (and don’t say you are in pain right now because of something that has happened in the past) we just have to shake it off and move on, learn from it and dont go back every 5 mins to see if those painful feelings are still alive; dont reawake/revive them. We have to learn uncoditionally and give rather than recieve. Its all easier said than done.
Hamilton
January 27, 2010 at 11:39 am
I did not know the universe had a WILL. I love your writings but sometimes you convey too much New Age b……t! However, on another note: no pain, no gain……as simple as that.
January 27, 2010 at 1:20 pm
The process could take a few moments, or a few years – ultimately
it is as easy or as hard as you decide it should be. But it is always
possible to learn from our suffering, and to turn our pain into
quantum leap in our personal evolution.
Or many years and it truly is as hard as you make it.
January 27, 2010 at 1:30 pm
From all the pain inflicted from routine infant male circumcision, maybe society should gain some knowledge that, hey, maybe this is wrong. Why is parental loyalty expected when they turn their backs on us from the day we’re born?
January 27, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Every breakdown leads to a breakthru in life. the breakthru is usually the opposit of our breakdown. Our experiences are the building blocks for building our empire. Even causing a breakdown is ultimately creating a breakthru to occur in the future. Just by you choosing to go to Austrailia caused several breakdowns. In your ordinary routine, long days, climate, cultural, new places and people to discover, and in a new place you can even redesign yourself without other people saying you changed because they have no way of comparing you to who you were. Playing a game of staying with someone because you promised either yourself or them that you would be toghether for ever is just that a game. My grandmother said a garden is for you to enjoy so create it as your creation if there is a plant or weed you don’t think should be there, Make it the way
you think it should be look at other peoples gardens, even make a model of it before you tare up your back yard. Also a bit of flexability and to be with sertain things as the way they are is a great distinction to have in life. Learn that and your life will show up in a new and productive place. Keep banging up your knees my friend!! Its going to be O.K.!! ~Tim
January 27, 2010 at 2:32 pm
Tim: beautifully said!!!!!
January 27, 2010 at 3:31 pm
“Because I love my boyfriend, wouldn’t I want him to be happy – even if that meant living a life without me?”
This is a really true statement. If you love someone set them free if they return it was supposed to be.
January 27, 2010 at 3:42 pm
I think I threw up a little in my mouth
January 28, 2010 at 1:19 am
I took a s**t.
January 27, 2010 at 3:42 pm
Just an observation, Davey. You have a boyfriend in Toronto. Now, it seems you are in love in Australia.
I grew up in Toronto. My first boyfriend was in Sarnia. Second one was in Ottawa. Third one was in Florida. The I moved to Vancouver. First ‘fling’ was with a a local who I quickly realized was an alcoholic. The real person was never present in all the (short) time I dated him. Next boyfriend was in Seattle.
Then I woke up. For me it was called fear/avoidance of intimacy. Jus’ sayin’.
Another thought: All we have is the present moment. The past are thoughts (memories); the future is just our mind projecting (more thoughts). I think I read that on Davey Wavey somewhere.
But it still sucks when the heart is torn apart.
January 28, 2010 at 1:04 am
I’ve said this before: being in love in not related to the person whom we think we love, but rather to the feelings we experience during the time we are in love. It’s sometimes called “limerance” or infatuation. We love being in love. The person is just the agent of bringing about the feelings. Watch how quickly that love feeling disappears the moment that person does something we really don’t like or disapprove of.
As for the universe having a plan or a need for us to be or feel a certain way, well that’s just more ego playing with your head. The universe couldn’t give a flying crap what happens on this minuscule little spec of dust floating around in space. It is busy being the universe.
“9. Doesn’t everything happen for a reason?”
No, not so. Things happen as a result of causes that came before, not as part of some sort of master plan decided in advance by some puppeteer pulling the strings.
There is no “intelligent design” of things to come. There is only intelligent seeing what already IS.
Be well,
January 28, 2010 at 1:18 am
Open relationships remind me of that ancient TV commercial ” Open wide for Chunky” candy bar advertisement while I’m sitting on the toilet.
January 28, 2010 at 10:38 am
This hit me at a interesting time when I myself am contemplating my life and relationship.
I go with the flow. In everything.
It’s amazing how time has passed.
I worry that the man I have been with for years…has been just going with the flow. Until now.
I’m not sure what to do.
I rationalize that he is a great guy…and has nearly all the great assets.
But the intimacy and sexual connection is lacking….dormant…..or hell maybe its just hiding somewhere.
I’ve never been with anyone else.
But I’m scared to leave because I may have the best thing there is.
Is there a way that I’ll know what I want?
Is there a period of time that I should give it from this point?
What if there is someone out there that just clicks.
What if there isn’t.
OMG. The indecision i’m feeling kills me.
If I were to leave I feel I would hurt him even more.
If I were to stay…I fear hurting him as well down the road.
January 28, 2010 at 10:38 am
This hit me at a interesting time when I myself am contemplating my life and relationship.
I go with the flow. In everything.
It’s amazing how time has passed.
I worry that the man I have been with for years…has been just going with the flow. Until now.
I’m not sure what to do.
I rationalize that he is a great guy…and has nearly all the great assets.
But the intimacy and sexual connection is lacking….dormant…..or hell maybe its just hiding somewhere.
I’ve never been with anyone else.
But I’m scared to leave because I may have the best thing there is.
Is there a way that I’ll know what I want?
Is there a period of time that I should give it from this point?
What if there is someone out there that just clicks.
What if there isn’t.
OMG. The indecision i’m feeling kills me.
If I were to leave I feel I would hurt him even more.
If I were to stay…I fear hurting him as well down the road.
January 29, 2010 at 3:15 am
I haven’t posted in about a year, though I’ve been following you for many years now, Davey. But this one caught my attention more so than other blog posts.
I messaged you through your About Me not long after I started following you (maybe three months?) thanking you. Hopefully you remember it. Youhelped me to get iver my first love.
It’s a bit of a long story, but I’ll try to keep things short for those willing to read.
In 7th grade I met this guy Joe. Him and I became close friends, and it was great because he was one of the popular kids and everyone wanted to be friends with him. All the girls liked him, and everyone wanted to be friends with him. I was his closest friend that year, though. After a few weeks he started telling me he loved me, and he’d sometimes give me a hug in our Home Ec class. I’d gotten to know him by then and I knew how much he joked around and so I didn’t think much of it. It just turned into a daily thing, and neither of us bothered to keep it quiet. We both told each other that we loved each other in class and nobody paid it any attention. As the year went on, though, I started to realize that I really did love him. That year was the year that I realized that I was gay. Up to that point I never really realized it. I always just passed the thoughts of “He’s so cute” or “He’s got a nice ass” off as jealousy, because I had low self-esteem. Him and I became closer and closer friends, and we started hanging out outside of school. Mostly at the public library, since that was (for some reason) the cool place to be in middle school. One day in science class (which was also homeroom), the lights were off and the teacher had the projector on showing us notes we had to copy. He reached over and put his hand on my knee and started moving it down my thigh. I was so startled that my leg fell off the chair I had it resting on and he snatched his hand back. He moved away at the end of seventh grade and I haven’t seen him since. I’m now a freshman in college.
I dwelled on him for years after he moved away. He was straight as far as I knew (and thinking back I doubt that he was, though he has a girlfriend now). I couldn’t get over him no matter what I did. I was depressed until I found this blog at the end of my 9th grade year. I watched the videos fanatically..I’d spend whole hours at a time on AIM with friends refreshing the blog to see if Davey had posted yet. In my tenth grade year I finally let go of Joe. I read a post by Davey Wavey and it helped me to finally let go. That day changed everything, and I’ve never left the blog since then.
It was writing such as this (in the blog post I’m replying to) that helped me to realize what a fool I’d been for the past three years. I had been extremely depressed, and I look back on it and wonder what I was thinking. I can’t describe how much I loved him to anyone through just words, but no matter how much I loved him I shouldn’t have let it get to me so badly, and for so long.
Just in case you happen to see this…Thanks again Davey Wavey.
(It turned out to be a lot longer than I thought it would. For anyone who makes it to the end, thanks for taking the time out of your day to read it).
-Steve
January 29, 2010 at 3:20 am
Messaged through the Comment Me section, not the About Me section. I knew what I meant, it just didn’t come out right.
January 29, 2010 at 3:22 am
Contact Me section. Second time fixing this is hopefully the final try.
3:30 am after I’ve just gotten off work is a terrible time to post.
Maybe tomorrow I won’t be so scatterbrained.
February 1, 2010 at 8:55 pm
awww steve, thats such a romantic story. im sorry it didnt have a happy ending
January 29, 2010 at 3:05 pm
“Isn’t it true that our relationship will end at some point – either through death or separation? Isn’t it much wiser to make peace with the inevitable than to resist it?”
Everything ends at some point. Life, for all of us, will end at some point. Knowing that, should we all end our lives prematurely? -Of course not. Just because something is inevitable, it doesn’t mean that we should stop trying… loving…living. “Making peace” with the inevitable doesn’t have to be so black and white.
February 1, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Hi Davey
Today was one of my downest days in years, like your article, when one door closes another opens… the pain is when what you expect deviate grealy from actual …. it was hurtful becos I feel the trust I have encrusted in the people I valued in life have been betrayed…..
I so agree with you thoughts… perhaps as a result I will be stronger… thank you so much to be here at a time when I feel so low.
J
February 1, 2010 at 8:46 pm
call me crazy but i actually quite like break-ups, dont get me wrong they hurt like hell and make me cry and all that stuff, but there are some good things about break-ups as well.
for example:
1. its an excuse to eat ice cream.
2. it obviously means that you werent supposed to be and that you can take comfort in knowing that your perfect guy/girl is still out there.
3. yo get to experience the thrill of falling in love again, with someone new.
4. it gives you an excuse to get absolutely pissed.
5. gives you the right to throw something out a window.
i have more but i think ive typed enough lol
February 3, 2010 at 10:28 pm
Its been two years, and I still get emotional over my break up, to this day, I truly believe this guy was “Mr. Right” for me, even though I was NOT “Mr. Right” for him. Yes, it has gotten better, but I still get tired of everyone saying you will get through this, this is a great learning experience, you haven’t met Mr. Right, well the truth is, that may be true, and a lot of folks have it worse than me, just look at what happened in Haiti! It just doesn’t seem fair somehow, I have friends that met in high school, got married, had kids and are living a great life, others who are on their 2nd or 3rd marriage, finding yet another “True Love” to replace the last one, still others living together for decades never wanting even to consider looking for another opportunity, I’ll be 50 soon and never once came close to finding anyone who even came close to wanting to share their life with me, guess I’m jealous, but if other folks can find true love, why can’t I? Forget all the BS about learning, silver linings, etc, it all comes from people who have never endured decades of disappointments. Yes, overall my life has been good, and a happy one, but sometimes some people just don’t find that “Special Someone” or “Soul Mate.” Sometimes its better NOT to sugar coat feelings, be happy if can, its better to be happy alone, than alone and sad.
February 4, 2010 at 5:51 pm
Hey Davey,
Learning through pain is the same as learning through assimilation. Learning without pain is learning through action!
Kenneth R. Livingston
February 4, 2010 at 6:10 pm
Hey Davey,
1. If you and your boyfriend were meant to be to be physically seperated by any significant distance it would cause extreme physical and emotional pain and trauma. (speaking from experience)
2. Even the hint of thinking of keeping someone captive is contradictory to love or even to see a realtionship as a captivity. When two souls are inseprably in love we encourage everything within that other whether we agree or not, and we do it with unconditional trust. If it takes them away from us you will know that the love is real if they cannot be away for long or if you are considered in EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT while you are apart and vice versa. And when apart to hear what they are conversing about with others and to hear the thoughts and feelings they are experiencing, so as to know if the truama becomes to accute so you can go to be with them and sooth the pain of having been apart.
3. True love does not ever end, whether our bodies leave us or our minds or our spirits. When two souls fall in love they become one and will be one from that point on for all existance and time your two souls once becoming one may find another along the way and cause love to continue to grow but seperation is not possible because true love transends all that can be imagined all that is all that was and all that will be for all of time.
6. If you part ways there will be more things that come along, you have to have the intensity of spirit and character to mutually conquer one another mutually with complete trust. Just like anything. You don’t like the socks you have on and you want to wear a different pair you still have to take additional effort to take of the socks you are wearing and then again make the effort to put socks on again.
Love you, Love this world!
Kenneth R. Livingston
February 4, 2010 at 6:14 pm
Hey Davey,
You may doubt this exists as so many people say that they do not think it is possible the reality is we get what we settle for. EVERYONE raise your standards a bit we are remarkable beings. NOT people who can’t create perfection in all moments of our life and our work. Takes a little faith in yourself and those around you though. The ideals you see in love stories are possible, the problem is everyone says, “Oh that’s just a fairytale”! I GUARANTEE you it doesn’t have to JUST be a fairytale!
Kenneth R. Livingston