My biggest personal struggle is one of detachment. I get attached, not to things or ideas, but rather to people and places.
When I am in Rhode Island, I miss Toronto. I miss the people and friendships. I miss Buenos Aires and people that I met along the way. When I’m in Toronto, I miss my family and friends back in Rhode Island.
I want everyone, everywhere, all at once.
The way I see it, there are two ways to avoid attachment:
- Closing up. One way of coping is to keep your heart closed off. Being distant prevents building attachment. But it also prevents being fully present. Nonetheless, it’s a strategy that many employ.
- Opening up. Another way of coping is giving 100% of your love. This is full and unconditional surrender. Though many people believe that being detached is cold, it’s quite the opposite. It’s the biggest expression of love. It’s loving something so much that you relinquish your control. I saw it in my mother’s eyes when I went to college far from home.
For those of us that struggle with detachment, I suspect our suffering results from our tendency to fall somewhere between those two options.
I struggle to overcome the illusion of geographic distance and separation.
Goodbyes are so hard for me.
PS I recorded and edited my workout video – I should have it posted tomorrow or the next day!
March 30, 2008 at 8:42 pm
This is the first time I’m first!!!
I have a hard time detaching too…I love NYC!
March 30, 2008 at 8:42 pm
So this is the fall-out from spending quality time in a dog pen! We will be watching for symptoms of such behaviour in your video and personal philosophy, so few of us get the opportunity to be there literally! My dog would never allow it, it’s just not what the human species does as normal activities! she would be much bothered by it! I am her Alpha male and I just wouldn’t do such a thing! Chipotle will be confused for a while now! I am following you! lol
March 30, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Im sure you will bring Will back into the picture to fill the void you’re feeling with Colin gone to tide you over until June and the boy you have in Toronto.
March 30, 2008 at 10:56 pm
An interesting perspective on attachment and how to work through becoming unattached. I agree that the 100% giving of your love is “unconditional surrender”, however I feel that you should always remember to keep that love close to you. The thoughts and feelings of wanting everyone and everywhere with you always, is a normal facet of being human. The thoughts and emotions evoked by a place are kept close to the heart and remind you that those beautiful places and people are there for you, be they near or far. Take light in the knowledge that you will see those people and places again on your journey and that you don’t need to long for them as they are with you wherever you go.
Sending 100% love your way…
Ciao – J
March 30, 2008 at 11:14 pm
i think it’s better to just enjoy every moment you have 100%. when you’re in toronto, enjoy the people and the place there 100%. but when you leave and go somewhere else, then enjoy where you are at that moment 100%.
March 31, 2008 at 12:42 am
David,
The first time I left home was when I joined the service and when you get to make that first phone call home from boot camp it felt so good to hear a familiar voice and it hurt at the same time because I couldn’t be back with my family. I am sure it was just as tough on them now that their child had become a man.
I would make friends in my travels and as you said the goodbyes were hard for you as they were for me also. After doing this routine a few times I learned something…it doesn’t have to be goodbye when you leave. Goodbye sounds so permanent. Until the next time or til we meet again is so much better than goodbye. Even if you never get to go back to those people or places you love in this physical life who is to say what happens on the next adventure. One of my fortes is maintaining those relationships be it by email, phone, or the occasional visit. Everyone has their own way of coping and I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
auf Wiedersehen
March 31, 2008 at 1:35 am
if you were to choose from the three (RI, TORONTO, BUENOS AIRES)…
which of those 3 places that you like the most…?
*what i only know about those 3 places…
RI- smallest state in the United States (am i right?)
TORONTO- it is not the capital of canada!
-home of the RAPTORS (nba) and BLUE JAYS (baseball)
BUENOS AIRES- capital of argentina…
please do answer my question…
thanks…
March 31, 2008 at 1:35 am
if you were to choose from the three (RI, TORONTO, BUENOS AIRES)…
which of those 3 places, you like the most…?
*what i only know about those 3 places…
RI- smallest state in the United States (am i right?)
TORONTO- it is not the capital of canada!
-home of the RAPTORS (nba) and BLUE JAYS (baseball)
BUENOS AIRES- capital of argentina…
please do answer my question…
thanks…
March 31, 2008 at 4:45 am
we as human never get satisfaction on what we are having now.
March 31, 2008 at 5:59 am
I feel the same about RI, never want to leave, such beauty here and the best of friends!
March 31, 2008 at 8:55 am
I’ve also found that by giving yourself over to #2, the focus of your heart quickly becomes the people that are around you no matter what situation you’re in. When I had to move a lot, this was really hard for me because I loved the people in the last area that I lived in. It would be easy for me to move to a new area and be constantly thinking about how everyone was doing in my last area and not really allow myself to connect with those in the new area. But if I gave 100% to those I encountered, it didn’t take from the love I felt for my other friends, it just opened me up to new relationships and happiness in my new place. So, when things change, go with an open heart.
March 31, 2008 at 9:57 am
thank you for sharing with us your struggle, your humane-ness. sometimes you seem so perfect and wise and together, i have found it hard to take your advice as applicable to we mortals… but your exposing a point of struggle… well, that helps me like you as so much more than a pretty thing to look at as he moves his lips!
please keep being human… as st. leonard says about the cracks… that’s where the light gets in.
.
March 31, 2008 at 9:59 am
Dave, you are very lucky to have such dear friends. No matter where you go you have friends. I can not imagine you missing a place when you are constantly surrounded with such amazing people.
It is great to hear that you have your video available already for us. Is it going to be a video on here to watch or is it going to be available on DVD for our purchase as previously mentioned?
Looking forward to it, Dave, and thanks.
March 31, 2008 at 10:11 am
Nice post.
Sometimes we have to look at our lives and decide, are we really held back by being attached? Or are we afraid of committment so we run as much as we can. (open relationship, moving all the time…)
Something to chew on…
March 31, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Yes Davey YES…
Thanks for this great post…it’s like a good reminder
March 31, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Hi Davey, today i first met your blog and guess I will keep following it! I know what you feel I guess.. Due to my work i have to be out of town very often. In summer even over two months. Everytime leaving my friends, home and own stuff takes a lot of energy.. But when they are in your heart and mind, they still are with you most of the times.. And that gives strenght!
Greetz from Holland
March 31, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Dave,
I know how you feel.
I’ve been living here in the U.S. for almost 4 years,
and it’s only me, my mom my dad and my sister.
In the beginning I had to go through what you call detatchment and it’s so painful.
I always used to get this feeling of agony and melancholy,
but as the years have passed it makes you stronger as a person, and it also fortifies the bond you have with the special someone you’re missing.
Take care!
John
March 31, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I am always sad before I need to be since I am always thinking about how much I love things
and know they won’t last forever especially relationships. That is why it is so important to live in the now!
March 31, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Buenos Aires? I thought you “detached” from Buenos Aires pretty well while you were still there, remember you hated it and came home over a month early!
March 31, 2008 at 4:47 pm
It feels to me like you aren’t living in the moment. Is the grass greener on the other side?
March 31, 2008 at 5:25 pm
indeed what r u really running from davey? now your trying to make money out of your blog buddies for a measely 20min workout why in the hell would someone spend that when they can get a professional hourlong version from someone with integrity and a well proportioned body – at least you are honest about it funding a 3 month holiday chasing boys – you really are full of it davey and it always shows to me but your fake persona is clearly beginning show to others too…..you see ego even spiritual ego cannot ever control or cover up true essence – wolf in sheeps clothing
March 31, 2008 at 9:36 pm
ummm looks like from that pic you’re curious about your penis size as well…
seriously is there any doubt people wanted to engage on the topic of sex after the Davey Wavey skin show—you should NOT be surprised.
March 31, 2008 at 9:50 pm
why don’t you ask for a donation from each of the guys you slept with? I think it will take no time to get you the ticket to australia or better yet, around the world
March 31, 2008 at 11:49 pm
I paid $200 for one of my cars, I certainly wont pay $6.00, excuse me, $5.95, for information nobody actually needs.
Hmm… selling an ab workout video… next you’ll be making infomercials.
Shame!!!
Why would we pay for your vacation?
March 31, 2008 at 11:51 pm
Oh, and when does a plane ticket to Australia cost $6,000? Oh, excuse me, $5,950. My bad.
April 1, 2008 at 12:41 am
Let’s point out some facts:
1. Blog Buddies asked Davey to make a workout routine and offered to pay him for it. Davey is providing that service and who are any of us to question what he wants to charge for it.
2. Davey is honest enough to state what he plans on doing with that money (not that it is any of our business).
3. If I had a job like Davey’s that allowed me to take a trip every now and then, I’d take a trip. Travelling has broadened my horizons and opened my eyes to the beauty that is out there and I’m sure that’s all Davey wants so who are any of us to deny that to him.
This post or some of the previous posts should not be used to sway the reader’s decision to purchase or not purchase Davey’s video. The Blog Buddies are old enough to make their own intelligent choice otherwise they wouldn’t be here in the first place. This is a blog site so I blogged.
G’day Mates
April 1, 2008 at 6:31 pm
$5950.00 is a small amount to do 1 to 3 months in Australia. There is more than air fare to consider folks.
For those who have desired the view of Davey Wavey’s abs during a work out… $5.95 is cheap.
April 2, 2008 at 6:30 am
he has abs?
April 3, 2008 at 7:03 am
i feel like a total prick, but i’m LOVING the drama!
and i think i kinda agree with people who’re saying that it was real cheap for dave to sart selling his workout advice..
even tho he asked if people would buy it..
April 5, 2008 at 7:50 am
hi!!! i have a blog regarding goodbye… you can read it on my friendster blog…
http://rjcarpio24.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/
im not that good in blogging but i think this would also help…
April 5, 2008 at 2:50 pm
I have never really been able to accept any religion or philosophy completely. Be it the Christian traditions I was raised around, or the Eastern ideas that are general more in line with my way of thinking, feeling, experiencing, and being. The idea of detachment has been the stumbling block in my path to embracing Buddhism fully.
You say that there is detachment in relinquishing control and loving with 100% of your being. I see the world from a rather ‘positive’ place. [And here I use positive and negative in their meanings of attribution and not right vs. wrong.] Rather than defining life apophatically, I encounter it in much the way your yoga teacher does.
“And when you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, we are one.”
To me this is attachment to life, to a life, that is far more beneficial in the end than detachment. I guess my philosophy is more Indian, running along the rather tricky thread of karma, but there is beauty in creating in this world, especially in these rather dark times. I want to create light for those who are lost in the dark, and if I have to get entangled in the world to do so, then so be it.
Thank you for sharing such a lovely and thought-provoking entry on detachment.
July 29, 2008 at 10:26 am
funny that you say YOU have an issue with this….I’m learning from you how to RID myself of this issue!! Thanx Davey