It’s easy to fall into the rut of letting life happen to you.
If three options come your way, for example, a great many people will pick that option that seems to be make the most sense. There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with this strategy – but there is an alternative approach.
Create a fourth option. And a fifth. And hundredth. Rather than live the life that others created for you, I think it’s infinitely more fulfilling to create the life that you want for yourself. Instead of letting life happen to you, happen to life.
Each of us can be an active participant in life and shape and influence our situation, circumstances and the world around us. When talking about this approach, Steve Jobs once said, “You realize that when you push in on one side, something pops out on the other. You can change it. You can mold it.”
As human beings, we are very powerful. And yet when we’re reminded of this power by others, we often use our power create excuses for doing nothing (i.e., “I’m not ____ enough”) rather than living to our full potential.
Everyone can make excuses to settle, but let’s try making excuses not to settle.
December 6, 2011 at 10:45 am
You should really double check your spelling and grammar. C’mon now
December 7, 2011 at 5:06 am
You forgot the period at the end.
December 6, 2011 at 12:21 pm
I don’t know if you have seen this TED video. If not, you should definitely take a look http://www.ted.com/talks/sarah_kay_how_many_lives_can_you_live.html.
I consider myself to have lived at least 4 lives so far. Working on 5 & 6 right now. Every time I have left one life and started another has been challenging and often scary. But it makes me happy and it has always been worth it, even when it does not work out as I had intended.
December 6, 2011 at 12:30 pm
I would just like to thank you for this post. It was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time.
I’ve seen better days.
Ignorance and hate reared its ugly head today for the first time since coming out publicly post DADT repeal.
I am a bit shaken, but not defeated.
Over the last two years seven core values (Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, & Personal Courage.) have been the basis for all my decisions in life. It had been instilled in me that they should guide you in every decision you make.
I have held myself to a high standard because that is what we were called upon to do.
I had wished and I had hoped that others would feel the same. They walked the same path and received the same lessons.
I know that it was naïve, but I had hope. I had hoped that what my eyes initially saw had been true.
At one point in my life fitting in at any cost, even if it meant compromising my core values was the most important thing in my life. Every choice I made was based on fear. That was before I had come to terms with the fact that I like—no love men and that I have absolutely no reason to be ashamed of that.
Love is beautiful, no matter what form it takes: straight love, bisexual love, lesbian love, or transgender love. It is all beautiful.
So throw the book at me, tell me I am an awful person, lie about me, punish me, and physically hit me if you want. None of it will change who I am.
I don’t care because I know that I have done everything in my power to ensure that when I need to account for my actions to the big guy upstairs I have nothing to worry about when it comes time to pass judgment.
I have fought harder than most to prove to the world, and myself, that I was fully capable of being successful when others told me to give up on my dream.
“But your gay, you’re not allowed to do that.” “No f*g can do what we do, you need to be a man to be successful.”
I have proved the naysayers wrong.
I lift my head high. I walk with pride and I know in my heart that this is the time to take a stand. I will no longer let life happen to me,I will happen to life.
December 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm
@Robert
I assume you are in the military by your reference to DADT repeal. The seven core values you cite sound like a military code of conduct similar to the Boy Scout motto I was asked to memorize years ago as a scout.
In your post, you say fitting in at any cost was based on fear (of non-acceptance by the group, I assume.). Have you ever considered that others may be motivated by the same fear? Group psychology is distinctly different from individual psychology. Find those fair-minded guys in the group, appeal to the better angels of their natures in the one-on-one. They may not become your best friends, but they will respect you and, when adversity enters their lives, they will confide in you because they know you have been there.
Guiding your actions by the core values is admirable and you will succeed. We are all humans and we sometimes, or often in some cases, fail to live up to those ideals. We all hope others will accept our lapses without judgment. Try not to be moralistic or set yourself up as a paragon of virtue in the eyes of others for they will try to take you down if you do. The example of your own personal conduct is sufficient to gain their respect and acceptance.
It may take the guys some time to acclimate to having self-proclaimed gays in their midst. After all, for decades the military maintained that gay was not acceptable in the military and discharged very competent individuals upon allegation of being gay. Then, one day, they reverse policy and gay is okay. Is that mind warp for some? I think so.
I speak to you from experience, having spent six years in the military. I never came out publicly because that was not possible. Most guys knew I was “different.” With few exceptions, they all became my brothers. I hope you will have the same experience. Good luck. Keep us informed.
December 6, 2011 at 1:13 pm
My greatest sense of accomplishment comes from having designed a beautiful life. I didn’t let my gay sexuality stand in the way of my dream to become a loving husband and dad, and I didn’t let my marriage to a woman stand in the way of eventually finding love and great sex within the world of gay men. When love and reason prevail, so many great outcomes become possible. I am out to a very close family that now includes many grandkids, and I have an active gay life that is more volatile in its rewards but still very gratifying. There were trade-offs along the way, of course; nobody gets to live a perfect life. But I’ve not yet met a man, whether gay, straight or bi, whose life I would choose over my own.
One comment on the excellent post by Robert Holland that lists, as positive attributes, “respect” and “selfless service” side by side. A healthy psyche begins with self-respect, and anyone who offers service to others without advancing his self-respect in the process is a pathetic individual.
December 7, 2011 at 12:07 pm
@Robert
You are on the right path. I admire that. You will succeed, believe me. Assuming you are in the military, have you noticed the difference between group psychology and individual psychology? Some guys will often do or say things in group that they wouldn’t one-on-one. Find those fair-minded individuals and establish a personal relationship with them. They may not become your best friends, but they will respect you and they may even come to love you because you give them the space to be something other than just another asshole in the group. When they face adversity in their lives, they will confide in you because they know you’ve been there. Despite what the naysayers say, you are a man and most likely a better man than they. Don’t be cowed. Hold your chin up and smile even when it hurts. Appeal to the better angels of people’s natures if you can find them.
December 6, 2011 at 4:06 pm
Reminds me of Colin Hays’ song, Waiting for my real life to begin.
December 6, 2011 at 5:22 pm
Davey,
There are three kinds of people in this world. The ones who make things happen, those to watch things happen, and those who say “what happened”.
I like to think I fall mostly in the first category. My mother always told me: “You can do anything you want if you put your mind to it.”
As an engineer, I like to think outside the box, to question the way things are done and find ways to do it better. In most everything I have done, I have left my legacy, something people will see and remember me by (mostly in a positive light). Most everyone who I have contact with will come away feeling better about what they are doing and feel better about themselves.
On the bottom of my emails at work I have the following statement: “Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody expects of you. Never excuse yourself.”
- Henry Ward Beecher
You have to learn to love yourself before you can love others. Maybe this all does not make much sense but think about it. Think outside the box and it all comes together!!!
Peace Out – Love ya.
December 6, 2011 at 6:28 pm
I agree with you, Davey, but I don’t know how to make it happen. The problem for some of us is that we don’t *know* what we want out of life. It’s hard to make it happen if you don’t know what it is.
When I don’t do something, most of the time I don’t know if it’s because I don’t think it will meet others’ expectations, or if it’s because of my anxiety disorder, or if it’s just something I genuinely don’t want to do. Once upon a time, I knew myself and my motivations really well. These days, I’m just going through the motions (letting life happen to me) and hoping something ‘clicks’.
I’ve had a variety of interesting life experiences, but I still have very little idea of what I want to do and who I want to be. It’s frustrating. I feel directionless. I’m not sure if the problem is too few options or too many.
December 6, 2011 at 6:50 pm
Andrea,
Don’t make decisions that just meet other’s expectations. Make desisions because you want them. If you are very young it is natural to not know what you want out of life. If anxiety is holding you back, seek help. It will help, I know as I have been there myself. You say that you have had a variety of life experiences. Take some time and think about those experiences and what each meant to you and how they made you feel. Focus on the ones that made you feel good and you might discover something new about yourself. The answer is there within you. Let yourself blossom.
December 6, 2011 at 8:11 pm
To all of you young people who might think your future happiness depends on some choice you make at an age where uncertainty is very normal, please realize that there are an infinite number of paths to happiness. It’s really not about the path you choose, it’s about making a determination now to be happy regardless of the path chosen. And whatever path you choose now will have opportunities along the way to switch to a more promising path.
December 6, 2011 at 6:38 pm
I’m with James! I counted at least 6 mistakes while reading the first time, I couldn’t keep focus.
Second time around made more sense (correcting in my head)
I really liked this post Mr. Wavey because it’s so true. Make a million options and follow the one that makes you happy!
December 6, 2011 at 7:30 pm
My life not good . I fail every thing Itry to do day by day .
December 6, 2011 at 8:35 pm
Look on the bright side. You haven’t failed at everything! You successfully navigated your computer to Davey Wavey’s blog site, so you have achieved something. Dwell on things that made you feel good. If you really look at what you did today, you will realize that you really suceeded in the majority of things you did. Think positive, learn to love yourself from within and your outlook on life will improve. Don’t sweat the small stuff as it will bogg you down. Tomorrow is another day. Try this and you will see that tomorrow will be better.
December 7, 2011 at 10:25 am
I like the idea of forming your own life. Actually, I think that’s the problem sometimes. There are so many different ways to go, I tend to get paralyzed by the options.
December 8, 2011 at 8:49 am
its called -CONTROL-the story of my current life.unemployed for 15 months-then paid cash-plus unemployment-then social security disability-p/t now-was full-time.expected to work-5 days per week at 150 dollars.thats illegal-now work 2-3 days per week-last two weeks work 3 days-1 day already over legal limit.—-yeah-its illegal-and its happening already this morning.when will this crap end?i got reduced days after i complained to DUI-Lawyer-that is the primary reason for my DUI-in the first place.so how does this end?it doesnt-because my sister-in-law controls me.wonder how her day of judgement will workout?really-i dont care.
December 9, 2011 at 4:00 pm
I just had to learn this lesson myself. I spent the three years of my previous relationship doing the opposite, but I believe that I’ve found an inner peace once I stopped being afraid.