A few days ago, I mentioned that we should resolve to live more fulfilling lives every day of the year. Not just January 1.
Part of living a fulfilling life means riding yourself of toxic relationships.
In our lives, we have many relationships. We have relationships with our signficant other(s). We have relationships with family members and friends. Ex-boyfriends and girlfriends. Coworkers and bosses. Neighbors. MySpace friends. We even have a relationship with our job. The television. Our gym membership. In a nutshell, it’s relationships galore.
Some of those relationships are fulfilling; they inspire us to be the best version of our self and to live a meaningful life. And some of these relationships are un-fulfilling; they’re toxic. When we cultivate these relationships, we cultivate feelings of discomfort or even anger in our lives. These relationships are not conducive to a meaningful life.
It’s time to be honest with ourselves and identify the toxicity in our lives. It’s difficult to be honest when the toxicity comes from someone close, especially a boyfriend or girlfriend or partner.
Back at university, my yoga professor would tell us that the people around us are like food. Some people are allergic to tomatoes. It doesn’t make tomatoes bad – they’re just not for you. Likewise, some people are allergic to other people. It doesn’t make those other people bad or any less beautiful – it just means that they aren’t for you.
Without judgement, we can identify our toxic relationships. It takes two to tango, and no relationship can survive without your participation in it.
As hard as it may be, today is the perfect day to actively decide which relationships you will cultivate in the new year. And, perhaps more importantly, which relationships you will severe.
December 26, 2008 at 10:40 am
yikes davey, it’s the winter hols for cryin’ out loud.
lighten up already, ok? go on, step away from the keyboard, give your household some hugs & kisses.
enjoy and relish the ‘now’ … your time today, tomorrow, this week, with your family, friends, and loved ones. you have the all of 2009 to be contemplating (and blogging about) your navel.
remember, ‘the groove is the heart’.
xoxoxox
December 26, 2008 at 11:53 am
Yeah…good thinking…(as always).
December 26, 2008 at 11:57 am
Last night I lost my virginity around 2am….to Davey Wavey. I stumbled across you on you tube. yes. i was searching shirtless men. What a breath of fresh air. It is easy to get mired down in the business of life and forget about living it. Many truths resonated with me as I read through your blog. Thanks for the bitch-slap!
December 26, 2008 at 1:07 pm
I think we need to be very careful about calling people and relationships “toxic”, especially in these very challenging times. The world is in a really strange place and alot of folk are down these days due to various forms of fear. The last thing they need to hear is that a friend or loved one is ending their relationship because they have become “toxic”, when in reality this person or loved one is going through crisis and needs support and love. Of course there are some people and relationships that are truly unhealthy and need to be examined but as I’ve said, there’s alot of folk overwhelmed these days and it’s very selfish and self-righteous to label such relationships and people toxic (unless they truly are). It’s too easy to give up on people because they might be venting negativity and fear – compassion is in order. People need understanding and love right now, not abandonment. Just sayin. Peace and love to all.
December 26, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Amen. Some relationships really need to be “for better or for worse.” Situations are often toxic, and, as you say, people need support and need someone to help them say what they really mean. Example “I don’t care.” … “You mean you care too much to let yourself care.” May or may not be accurate but you’ll soon find out from the response.
December 26, 2008 at 1:09 pm
re: above. I love you Davey – you rock. Just venting. Don’t sever our relationship, ok?
December 26, 2008 at 1:20 pm
I’m most amazed that someone as young as David can and is so devoted to looking at things at a deeper level. Reaching for what’s beneath the surface and facade. Seems like it might be tiring at times. But you seem to managing. Keep it up David.
December 26, 2008 at 1:31 pm
In his Christmas message this year, The Pope proclaimed that the earth is endangered by people who destroy the Rainforests, and by homosexuals. He seems frighteningly out of touch with the creator of the Universe and Earth, with all it’s marvelous and inspiring diversity. I think he is one of those toxic people I will make a point of avoiding.
Reference: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1100422/Homosexuality-great-threat-rainforest-destruction-says-Pope.html
December 26, 2008 at 2:51 pm
The vatican plays geopolitics. He is courting the Muslim world, and also playing to his base, which includes a lot of hard-care conservative gay priests. He sees no great future in Europe or even the US. It would be interesing if a gay group, without sarcasm, decided to pay for his conversion. Just a thought.
December 26, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Those who are the most vocal are often gay themselves. Why, for example, does the Pope wear Prada shoes???
December 27, 2008 at 12:15 am
I dont care how holy the pope is im staying gay and if he doesnt like it then too bad for him
December 26, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Excellent post as we approach a new beginning on the calendar. And while each day is a new beginning, the relationships we “cultivate” are those that we make consciously. I know that in the new year there will be many for me and I’m definitely going to try and be cognitive of those that are “toxic”.
Much love and I hope you are making a great day!
Ciao – J
December 26, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Some of these toxic relationships were once life giving and wonderful. It seems so painful to totally walk away from them.
December 26, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Really Really bad bad blog, this is possibly the most negative thing I have heard all year.
I am completely against cutting people off, unless they really really need to be. I also believe upon doing this you have to give a good explanation. This is just so negative I have a loss for words and no time to explain. I apologize. I think your professor was a lil nutty. Why cultivate relationships that bring a social disease anyway? I guess this has to do with maturity?
December 27, 2008 at 2:26 am
And then we’ll all live in a world populated with smiling zombies, undisturbed by any adverse vibration from anyone who causes us to get a rash. I can think of a couple of very famous figures from history and from the media who had similar visions of a world unfettered by undesirables: Hitler, who sought to rid the world of “toxic” jews and homosexuals, and Nurse Mildred Ratchet from the novel of Ken Kesey, “One flew over the cookoo’s nest,” who sought to rid the asylum of “toxic” patients by having them drugged or lobotomized. And then of course, how could we forget “The Stepford Wives,” where any kind of “toxic” relationship was strictly forbidden. Yes, avoid anyone who disturbs you and makes you think or feel. You have a right, and indeed an obligation to make your life as happy as possible just like ol’ Davey Wavey does. Smile and ignore and walk away from anyone who disturbs your peace.
December 27, 2008 at 3:21 am
This is a perfect example of what a moron this Davey Wavey character is sometimes. He parades his pretty face around with that arrogant and stupid smile, advising the peons of the world about how to achieve happiness and peace. Advising others to ignore and shun anyone that gives us a rash is tantamount to what Hitler did in Europe, what Nurse Mildred Ratchet did in the Keysey novel “cookoo’s nest,” and what the men of “The Stepford Wives” did to the women in that story. Ignoring and shunning those that you consider “toxic” is selfish and stupid. People that irritate you are responsible for your growth. People that make you think and feel are to be considered the most vital to your spirit. Living in a “happy” world is comparable to having a lobotomy.
December 27, 2008 at 3:23 am
This is a perfect example of what a moron this Davey Wavey character is sometimes. He parades his pretty face around with that arrogant and stupid smile, advising the peons of the world about how to achieve happiness and peace. Advising others to ignore and shun anyone that gives us a rash is tantamount to what Hitler did in Europe, what Nurse Mildred Ratchet did in the Keysey novel “cookoo’s nest,” and what the men of “The Stepford Wives” did to the women in that story. Ignoring and shunning those that you consider “toxic” is selfish and stupid. People that irritate you are responsible for your growth. People that make you think and feel are to be considered the most vital to your spirit. Living in a “happy” world is comparable to having a lobotomy.
December 27, 2008 at 4:54 am
I do feel some people in my life are toxic but if I did not meet thouse people I might not be the same person I am to day. Most of thease so called toxic people tought me the greated lesson in life, like how to enjoy my life. Much love davey
December 27, 2008 at 8:42 am
Dear Davey,
I am so sorry that Christmas has been a challenge for you rather than a celebration. For most of us it is a challenge and only becomes more of one as time goes on. We can’t choose our family. What we can do is choose how we react to our family. A hard lesson to learn and an even harder thing to remember as we are challenged at the table over roast turkey.
What is both puzzling and on some level understandable is your reaction. Is this not the perfect time to put to the test your own often espoused philosophy? Is this not the challenge that you crave to put your life plan to the test?
What this post points out to me is the “performer” in you. The fact that you have a “game face” that we see most of the time and then a personal self that belies your true feelings. Your philosophy is not really integrated into your life at this point. Your compassion is selective and self serving, which I think is very human and completely understandable. “No Blame”, as the I Ching says. But it does point out a challenge that must be faced if your growth is to continue.
Much, much love,
j
December 28, 2008 at 6:16 am
Not better said !
December 27, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Toxicity is really a piece of conditioning.
Choosing to accept/reject it, is our breaking away from living in that conditioning. I’m all for fulfillment and good cheer between all, but not at any price.
The cost of a toxic relation is way too much for me to pay.
December 28, 2008 at 8:06 pm
I guess it’s a good way to look at things, but what’s with all the downer post. I like the lighter stuff, even though some of it was corny and not believable.
January 23, 2009 at 10:09 am
at the start of 2007, i was in my third year of fashion university, i lived with 5 friends and i was thought of as supportive, popular and funny by all who knew me including my lecturers. my life was great, and then i found a lump, i was told that it could have been cancerous and if so, by its size was at stage 3, which is serious, when i told my friends and lecturers, i found no support from them, everyone brushed me off and at first i thought they were waiting till the results were confirmed, thank god it turned out i didn’t have cancer, and when i told my friends this the same blank reaction took place, i felt alone and hurt and questioned if i had cancer, and was going to die, did i deserve to be so lonely. i was a great student and even with out finnishing the finial year had enough credit to get a passing BA degree, however leaving early ment i would be sacraficing any chance at getting honnors, but i felt my life was my honnor, i left on good terms with all and hoped to be called, to see how i was, after my ordeal. 6 months later i got a call and it was to ask a favour, you see i lived with film students and they needed me to make their costumes and all for free, i decided to grow up and realised i deserved better as a person. i have had a year to change my life since, i got a job working in the post office, and although it wasn’t my dream, i made real friends i found out how great life is when you aren’t trying to impress anyone or live up to pretentious expectations. looking back i had so many toxic relationships, that only hurt me, 2009 is here and so am i and my life is surrounded with a sence of self worth, i only have real friends in my life. i think your advise is wonderful, i only wish i had taken it at the start of 2007, maybe i wouldn’t have felt so alone, but what doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger, and im not talking about the lump im talking about the loneliness. happy new year davey wavey.
love seamus, from ireland x
January 23, 2009 at 11:18 am
Seamus, young people find it very hard to respond to troubling truths and experiences and even serious thoughts. This must be doubly true in the world of fashion. But adults in the fashion world (not necessarily instructors) can be empathetic during crises and hard times. With your talent, do not give up on fashion. Just be sure to make friends outside that world.
January 30, 2009 at 7:29 pm
john than you for your kind words. i do feel like i have given up on a dream and whats awful there is nothing to replace it, your right however. hopefully 2009 will bring me some confidence.
happy new year a month late
seamus
February 2, 2009 at 1:13 am
After having no life of several months due to working 7 days a week 12 hour days I found a way to make work get better. I was searching on youtube and found davey. You are great davey and made my night at work so mich better!