I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately, and appropriately, the chapter in my current book is all about romance.
The book’s author believes that there is no such thing as a soul mate. He argues that in today’s world, the emphasis is mistakenly placed on “finding” rather than “cultivating”. Many people spend enormous amounts of time searching for the one. Instead, the author argues that our energy is better spent cultivating the one chosen relationship. Do you see the difference?
People often believe that if they find “the one” and fall in love, they will live happily ever after in eternal bliss. This notion is obviously reinforced by Hollywood. In actuality, when the final scene of the two partners holding hands, walking into the sunset, ends, the real work begins. The real work, according to the author, is cultivating intimacy – that is, knowing your partner on a deeper level. As you come to know your partner and spend time together, your intimacy deepens and you build a strong foundation for your love together.
The chapter resonates with me on many levels. Though the chapter addresses romantic relationships, I think it can and should be applied to non-romantic friendships as well.
I don’t have a lot of friends in Toronto. Lately, I’ve been thinking that I should expand my circle of friends and meet some new people. In actuality, I have many friends – they just don’t live in Toronto. Instead of focusing my energy on meeting new people, I should focus it on cultivating my existing friendships in a way that makes them sustainable, even when I’m traveling far away.
Appropriately, Jessica arrived in Toronto last night. She’s staying for a week, and I plan on spending every available ounce of energy on cultivating our friendship.
August 3, 2008 at 7:36 am
Must we choose between the two? Can I not focus my energy on both? I’m in a rather similar situation at the moment. I’ve just graduated and moved back home from my 3 year stint at uni. I’d say I’m in a rather cultivating stage as I’m getting to see my ‘core’ group of friends at home, the ones I’ve known forever and hope to know forever more.
However, I am also aware of the fact that come the end of the summmer they’ll all be going back to uni (I went to an English uni – 3 years, they all went to Scottish unis – 4 years) and I’ll be all by myself in Edinburgh all my friends having graduated themselves and dispersed across the country, still at Newcastle Uni, or having left Edinburgh. So I feel I need to try and make some new friends, but I swear its actually quite difficult without meeting people through something at university or through a job (as I am still quite quite unemployed).
And then at the back of my mind I’m reminding myself that in 6 months I’ll be leaving myself to go traveling (for a year and half if all goes to plan) and I won’t see any of them for quite a long time.
I swear this friendship business is a lot more difficult than it used to be.
August 3, 2008 at 7:48 am
I do agree with you David.
I don’t have a lot of good friends. I don’t need to !
I make a difference between people I know and those I meet occasionally. The ones I have, it took time to know and appreciate them. I know my best friend since I was 8 and we cultivate our friendship, we learn to know ourselves perfectly with our qualities and failings in the respect of our own limits. I consider him as a brother. Friendship is like a seed you decided to put one day in the ground of your private garden. To make it grow, you will have to water it frequently and take care of it while it’s growing.
Don’t need to have many plants in your garden to make you feel it’s a beautiful place, just choose beautiful and hardy plants !
Cultivate the friendship is the better thing to do when you want to have “real” friends ; I mean the ones you can count on.
August 3, 2008 at 1:29 pm
yeah, real friend are rare.
August 3, 2008 at 8:35 am
that’s called friends with benefits
August 3, 2008 at 8:56 am
Hi Dave,
I’ve always believed in Quality vs. Quantity.
I don’t have hundreds of friends, but I do have several TRUE friends. Friends that would hop on a plane if I needed them at a moments notice.
One friend in particular….our relationship is based on chat and email. In the past 10 years, we have probably only spent a total of 24 hours together in person…..but the quality of that friendship is just as solid as a friend I see daily.
Dave, do you believe in true friendships with people you spend little or no time with?
For me, it’s about truth, trust and mutual interest in making the relationship/friendship a solid one. I guess in a way, that is cultivating it.
Craig.
August 3, 2008 at 9:40 am
Craig -
Wow my experience is very similar. I too have a friend whom I have known since the late 80s. We have kept in touch primarily through post cards (before email) email and occasional phone calls. We finally got to see each other again for the first time in over 15 years in 2006. He is different from me in that he has many friends all over the world. I have just a handful of very close friends. I am among his few close friends because we have cultivated that friendship. Even though we are not physically close doesn’t mean we can’t be emotionally bonded. Three of my most cherished friends live 750 miles or more from me so we don’t see each other frequently.
I believe real friendship can transcend distance and time if you are willing to put the care and effort into it.
August 3, 2008 at 10:42 am
Hi JPA,
In my experience, I was introduced to my friend through a mutual friend. We hit it off and exchanged email addresses. My friend then moved to the arctic for a career change and during the isolation, we became very close friends.
To this day, we exchange emails weekly, come to each other with our problems and also our accomplishments.
We have come to depend upon each other’s strengths to overcome our combined weaknesses. Which can be a sign of a true friend. When you are in it together until the end.
I’m glad to see other people have experienced similar situations to my own.
Friends can be found in the least likely of places.
Craig.
August 3, 2008 at 9:22 am
You have to find before you can cultivate. I have one true friend. We can talk for hrs. or just sit and say nothing. We do not live close toeach other and do not talk for days. We are always there for each other and it has been that way for 30 some yrs. We know each others secerets. We can tell each other things and know that is as far as it will go. We have never had sex with each other and I think that is why we have had a lasting friendship, well one of the reasons.
August 3, 2008 at 5:48 pm
David..I was going to write a reply to Davey’s article today but you have captured what I wanted to say. May I just say “please see David’s reply above” and it will sufice as my response.
thank you.
I will never be in love with my friend, but I love him dearly as I get older.
Mike
August 3, 2008 at 9:22 am
Cultivation is just the way I see it. I see myself as a gardener and in my garden I have prize roses that took attention, love and patience to bring them to their glory. I also have some annuals that are fun for the season, but some didn’t grow as well as others, so I won’t plant them next spring.
August 3, 2008 at 5:49 pm
well said..thank you Jimmy
August 3, 2008 at 12:34 pm
what about will
August 3, 2008 at 1:59 pm
well; romance is an important part.
but friendship is just as important.
too keep both; you’ll have to work hard.
but i think in the end it’s worth it if you find something special : )
& ps; PEOPLE IN TORONTO AREN’T SCARY! ^_^
we’re nice : )
August 3, 2008 at 2:21 pm
i think that if you make friends like i do then you just know if that person is worth making the friendship stronger, for me its a gut feeling and when i dont get it i dont try to force it other wise you just end up scaring the person off and that is how you lose friends
August 3, 2008 at 2:42 pm
That is very powerful. We feel lonely and decide we need to make friends, instead of thinking that maybe we need to build better relationships with our current friends.
It is funny because whenever I feel lonely, I realize I should reach out to my friends. Of course they are always there and say, “Of course we want to spend time with you. We have just been waiting for your call.”
August 3, 2008 at 5:13 pm
i completely agree with it. you might spend you’re entire life looking for this perfect guy when, in reality, he might be not too far but you have these huge demands that you’re looking for. i dont know if this makes sense…but i think its possible for there to be more than one “the one”. haha…yes..that is a contradiction. But i think that you could be madly in love with one person, which you have to work at in order to STAY in love, but things and circumstances can change. when that changes, you change…and i think its possible for you to find another love. Thats just how i look at it when you think about divorce and being a widower.
oh yeah…Davey…i saw your live cam. it was one while i watching the 8 reasons to be gay and you were like ‘can you hear me?’ and i’m lookin at it and there is no way for me to be able to tell you that i could hear you. but i wanted you to kno
DAVEY…I CAN HEAR YOU!!! lol
August 3, 2008 at 7:58 pm
What a coincidence.. I just started practicing this a week ago. I didn’t read the book though, I just thought about it myself..
I realized that I was being too lazy in relationships, rather than being relaxed, open and outgoing in them.
You have to make the effort to enjoy people who you are generally compatible with, accepting your incompatibilities, forgiving each other after you do fight (which you will) and understanding you can’t MAKE every relationship work.
Find relationships that work, cultivate them, and enjoy the spice of life – your companions.
August 3, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Davey, I must strenuously disagree with you that there is no such thing as a ‘soul mate’.
Last March I met eyes with someone living straight = wife + 2 kids. The look in his eyes and the smile on his face actually stunned me. I have never before felt a merging of souls like that. We were unable to talk at that time, but his eyes on me the entire time he was walking to his SUV. I have absolutely no doubt that we will be together the next time he is in town.
However, I do agree that the next step is to cultivate a total friendship. Your love also has to be your best friend! Of course the next step would to be to cultivate that mergence: talking and exploring each other’s thought,ideas, etc., etc. Any one who jumps into bed the first date and expects to live happily ever after is a total fool.
August 4, 2008 at 1:54 am
Randy,
I guess that “a true soul-mate” does exist… only… There can be several soul-mates.
but if you feel this way why wouldn’t you act this way.
Why should life withold you from loving just the “one”.
Me I am in a relationship with 3. we live happy… although i can assure you the the “argument” now and then is there, like in every healthy relationship.
I do not promote polygamie ” i am not a Mormone”
However like you say , one night stands do often end in loneliness and ending up very unhappy…
August 4, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Steven,
Under the right circumstances with the right person(s) I would have no trouble with a group marriage like yours. You are very lucky to have such a happy relationship. How do you decide who sleeps with whom? That could be a very contentious issue.
August 3, 2008 at 10:36 pm
I couldn’t agree more, about both romantic and non-romantic relationships. It takes a lot of work, from both sides and it usually means that equal amounts of work are contributed. Those relationships that last a lifetime have that type of commitment, whether best friends or “soul-mates”.
Great post and I hope that everyone out there is “cultivating” at all times with all people, so that we can all get together someday and enjoy each other as friends!
Ciao – J
August 3, 2008 at 11:53 pm
This is probably one of the best comment sections I’ve read here in a long time… some good stuff!
August 4, 2008 at 6:11 am
I totally agree with you Davey. “The one” is just a myth, a fairytale. When you meet someone new, you get to know him and love him.
August 4, 2008 at 10:14 am
I enjoy reading/listening to your thoughts. I think you have a very valid point. It’s always best to have the quality relationships versus quantity. If you can increase the quality in your existing relationships whether they be friends or intimate then it will far outweigh any quantity of friendships.
August 4, 2008 at 10:42 am
Your posts always come at the perfect moment. Thank you
August 5, 2008 at 2:40 am
Thank you David for your wise advice. I dont always agree with what you say, but in this case, like other times, i feel somewhat identified with this.
The one may be a fantasy, but still, wouldnt it be grand if it came true?
Thank you for being you.
August 6, 2008 at 2:38 am
I’ll be your friend in Toronto.