With more than a million words in the English language, the number of ways we can express ourselves is limitless. And so with an infinite combination of words and expressions, there’s one thing you’ll never hear me say: “Shame on you.”
The other day, I was responding to an email that I received on my fitness blog, Davey Wavey Fitness. The note came from an obese nurse who felt his extra weight and current condition was “a shame.” He wanted to change his life. It seems to me that shame isn’t an effective, powerful or sustainable motivator of change. So rather than feel shame, I reminded the nurse that his desire to transform his life was an inspiration to all of us.
Our emotions have different levels of energy. Of them, shame is the absolute lowest (followed by guilt, apathy and then grief). Shame is destructive and causes us to retreat within, and to move away from life. Rather than lift up, it pulls down. Through shame, we shrink and try to disappear.
To say “shame on you” to another human being is spewing toxicity – and truth be told, it can be deadly (as shame is sometimes expressed through suicide). It’s like firing an emotional gun at another human, and there is no place for that in my world.
I say a lot of things. And sometimes the things I say I are pretty unenlightened and unintelligent. But of all the things that I ever say, I can promise that none of them will every be: “Shame on you.”
There’s enough shame in the world. Instead, I focus my efforts on creating love.
March 14, 2011 at 11:16 am
And that’s why we love you davey ur so insperational and full of love =’]
March 14, 2011 at 11:23 am
I agree Davey. We should lift each other up more in life.
March 14, 2011 at 11:30 am
Hey Davey! In personal matters, I agree. However, in political matters, shame is something that needs to be brought back into the public sphere. I think the folks chanting “Shame Shame Shame” at the lawmakers in Wisconsin are completely justified.
March 14, 2011 at 11:52 am
Well that’s a shame.
March 14, 2011 at 1:18 pm
Sometimes it should be used. For example…
Shame on Muammar Gaddafi for killing his own citizens.
March 14, 2011 at 2:40 pm
Sooo… If I tell a woman who threw her gay son out of the house because of her religious beliefs… I can’t tell her “shame on you”? That doesn’t seem logical.
March 14, 2011 at 3:29 pm
tru dat!
(ps- there’s a typo in the end.
)
March 14, 2011 at 5:52 pm
Shame, shame, shame stop listening to Davey Wavey advice and listen to your own voice. I stopped a year and a half ago and glad I did.
March 14, 2011 at 6:38 pm
It’s not that you can’t tell her that. But it won’t do you or her any good. Of course you’ll get to feel self-righteous and indignant and that’s wonderful, right? Seriously, though, as a tool of behaviour modification, shame is ineffective. You make people feel badly for how they’ve acted but you provide them no direction at all on how to act. And, presumably, this kid will want to reconcile with his mom at some point. Shame is a roadblock to reconciliation. Shame and guilt force us to retreat inward, as if to hide. They do not promote growth or connection.
On top of that you’re pitting your self-righteousness against hers. In your mind you’re right and she’s a monster. In her mind the roles are reversed. This presents a zero-sum game. Rather than attacking her religious beliefs with shame – a battle you cannot possibly win – you may have more success with empowering her to see the good in her son, look past what she doesn’t like and love him for who he is. It’s easy to hate people and shame them and call them wrong. And in doing so you also close off the possibility of understanding them and having them understand you. The harder – and exponentially more effective – path is to love and to have empathy for people who don’t share your views and then to influence them subtly.
March 14, 2011 at 6:41 pm
Agreed Davey. Blame, shame, guilt and fault serve only to destroy the possibility of enlightening people. I like your analogy of the gun. We hold people hostage with these things – our children, our spouses, our friends, our parents, people we don’t even know. It’s no way to treat people we supposedly love.
March 14, 2011 at 9:30 pm
Ok, ok.
March 14, 2011 at 9:33 pm
Point taken.
March 14, 2011 at 10:22 pm
We all have our points of view and opinions and sometimes we can have opposite ways of understanding life. I think we all are in search of our own awareness and identities.
I love hearing what DW hás to say, even thought I don’t think like him or agree all the time with what he says.
We all have the rights to express ourselves in our own way and under our own believes.
Love on you, Davey Wavey.
March 14, 2011 at 11:52 pm
Just found this blog. You make a good point. Instead of feeling shame, fix the problem. And most importantly, be you.
March 15, 2011 at 2:56 am
Well, grief is okay to express, but you can’t let it overwhelm you.
March 15, 2011 at 8:11 am
“I say a lot of things. And sometimes the things I say I are pretty unenlightened and unintelligent.”
Ain’t that the truth. But at least you are aware of what is enlightened and is intelligent. And sometimes when you forget how pretty and wonderful you think you are, you do strike the gold of awareness. As long as your heart is the center of your being, you can’t go wrong.
March 15, 2011 at 2:11 pm
I really enjoyed this blog post, DW. It resonates with the truth; I just hope many will take it to heart.
March 15, 2011 at 2:41 pm
This one is simply amazing.
I printed it out. I want to share it with my bible study group.
March 15, 2011 at 5:59 pm
Yes, MIchael. Please do share it with your bible study group. So many religious people wield shame as a weapon. You can make a huge difference.
March 17, 2011 at 7:07 pm
LOL Kinda ironic you speak of people wielding weapons when your name is lance
In fairness, people – regardless of their faith association – use guilt and shame to control and manipulate people. And people fall for it by taking the bait and feeling badly about things.