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Dec
22
There’s nothing to be over.
December 22, 2009 | 39 Comments
You’ve probably heard someone say, “I’m over it.” Perhaps this certain someone was referring to a relationship, a perceived wrongdoing or some other transgression or grudge. Perhaps this certain someone is you.
In my universe, I don’t get over things. Because I was never under anything in the first place.
If you hold a resentment against a person – or resist anything about the way things are – then you are making the assumption that things should be different. As it turns out, that’s a pretty big assumption to make.
I don’t know much about much. But in my experience, things are always as they should be – even when I can’t see it. Actually, especially when I can’t see it. When I didn’t get my dream job, it was because there was something even dreamier in store for me. I was upset when it happened, but then things worked out for the better. Things work out for the better. They always have, every time, without fail.
I like to think that I have learned this lesson fairly well. When the world unfolds differently than I might desire, expect or anticipate, I do my best to approach it with an open heart and open arms. When other people act differently than I might act, I remind myself that all paths lead to truth. The result? No wrongdoings to smite. No transgressions on which to dwell. And no grudges to hold.
If you claim to be over something, then you are lying. So long as you believe that there is a something – a wrongdoing, a transgression or grudge – then you are still participating in whatever it is that you claim to be over. The secret is realizing that there is no something. There is nothing to be over, and nothing to be under. This is the key to freeing tremendous amounts of stagnating energy.
Just think of all the things the world could create with the energy, time and effort spent upholding our collective grudges. Of course, it’s not about the world. It’s not about your neighbors, your friends or even your family. It’s about you. It’s always only about you. So the question becomes: What are you willing to let go of?
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I think you’re trying to portray yourself how you think you *should* be, Davey, instead of how you really are.
The level of emotional control and detachment you describe is something rarely achieved by humans, perhaps only secluded budhist monks actually get there.
However, if you belong to the modern world, buy stuff, have to interact with a whole bunch of people, require services for things, are in a romantic relationship (or aspire to be), it’s only natural to sometimes be disappointed or angry.
Our desires are real, as our goals are real, as our dreams are real. Recognizing our emotions and actually living with them, acknowledging that they can be petty, or futile, helps us make the most of them. Our emotions don’t run us, and we have a choice on what we do with them and, to that effect, ultimately how we feel, but we have to be clear that we do not control them in the sense that we do not always know what we’re going to feel. What we have control over is how we react to that emotion, how we perceive it and what we do with it.
Also, reeing yourself from something denotes closing the door to a process that was harmful. “I’m done with judging myself” could be a way of being over something one was “under”.
None of us is perfect. We all just(should) try to get there. Recognizing our mistakes is the only way to learn from them.
I like the way u see the world and life and society in general. I like the way u talk. And the thing i like the most is the line that defines your pecs…i just love them. U’ve got a great combo, I envy ur boyfriend
Merry xmas
Davey….. quite thought provoking for this time of year. I like the way you think. Thanks for being who you are and loving the way you do. I love you lots. Enjoy the Christmas holiday. Yes, I said Christmas even if it is politically incorrect. May you enjoy gentle reflective times with family and friends. You are very much loved, Davey.
Wow this is really deep. I have never thought about this, but if everyone lived their life with this attitude, there would be a lot less “transgression” to have to “get over” in the first place.
You are a hypocrite.
I really love this update of yours because, I can use this way of thinking for if and when I don’t get a class and/or teacher I want for my spring semester. So thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
p.s. thank you
I don’t think Davey is saying that he is able to override his emotions. What I get from this is that people might be able to better understand and, in a sense, be tter control their emotional reactions if they can adopt the mentality that there may be bigger things on the road ahead. If we can put trust in the way things really are, and let go of our “now” minded-ness, it’s very possible that we’ll be at more peace with ourselves and the world around us and be able to move forward with less questioning, confusion, or hurt. Just my interpretation…
Regardless, Davey, this post really speaks.
Letting go of yourself………….it’s the last thing to go.
Oh…I get it. So when your partner of 10 years commits suicide, don’t let it getcha down, ’cause there’s something bigger and better out there just waiting for you. Things work out for the better (in bold face!!!).
You can afford to squeal that mentality when you’re 25 years old, and have barely lived. It’s called naivete. Eventually, though, the world will catch up to you and grind Little Pollyanna into dust.
Not that I’d laugh if I saw it.
Everthing that you experience becomes part of you. In my experience denying, disowning or pushing against something simply creates a new issue or activates old issues.
Acceptance and letting go (from Daveys post) is one way of dealing. Another is to physically place yourself in situations where the minimum of issues are activated such a monastary.
Also I’ve found that while resolving all your issues is psychologically ideal, there is a minumum amount that have to be dormant/inactive so that you can make contact.
I’ve been there.
In my case, it was his issues that he was not able or willing to bring out that got him to where he couldn’t come back from. I blamed myself for years. I could go on about that, but I’m sure you know all of it already.
Eventually, I came to realize that I am still here for a reason and he is not. I am over it. I’ll NEVER FORGET it. I’ve had to move on with many lessons learned. Lessons that are my own. Your lessons will be different than mine. I can only wish you well with them. Just remember to be open to them. Good luck. It will be a tough road. But a worthwile trip. Surround yourself with the possitive support that you need. No one is perfect, but we are all exactly where we need to be.
In life I try to be one with God/the universe/goodness and try not to give other things “power over me” that would interfere with that. In doing so, I have learned that things indeed do always work out for the good, even though I might not understand it, see it, as I’m going through it. In doing so I experience the joy of life everyday. I wish Davey and all my fellow blog buddies JOY throughout the holiday season, the new year and for all eternity. Peace out my friends.
It takes some time, thought and practice to get where you are Davey – You have freed yourself from the Judeo-Christian belief an ‘eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth’ which puts you in that special place to not hold grudges that you have to get over. I so agree with you. I don’t think you have to be a buddist monk to get there, just awareness of self.
I’m over it !
lol….couldn’t resist…
The expression “I’m over it” always comes with a bit of anger and resentment attached to it. It’s a negative statement. What people really mean is “I wish I could move on”. What they really need to do is “accept” because time does really heal all wounds.
The thing to keep in mind when going through hardship is never being resentful of others. Accept people for who they are and make the necessary changes to yourself in order to cause the change around you. You can never change people, you can influence people but not change them. Change ourselves first then everything else follows.
A great sense of self awareness is key. See yourself. You can only fix things that you know are broken.
I agree with you Davey,
People who practice medicine in helping patients with their lifestyles often say that it is counterproductive to hold grudges or try to get revenge, mostly because it means that you’re not paying as much attention to the opportunities that are helpful to themselves.
(An article posted in Women’s magazine featuring Ellen Degeneres stated that very advice. (summer to fall of 2009?) I read it while waiting for a friend to finish work.)
Good advice!
I love the picture.
I have followed your musings, Davey, for quite some time. In general I applaud your optimisitc and anti-”woe is me” attitude. I agree looking forward is better than wallowing in what has been. However, someone as clearly smart as you, should have by this point in your life, read Candide by Voltaire (also a Bernstein musical based on the original). It satirizes the “All’s for the best in this best of all possible worlds” philosophy which I believe was being espoused by Leibniz (the German philosopher who invented Calculus at the same time as Newton). Dr. Pangloss is the narrator/teacher who regularly puts forth this simplistic view, despite all evidence to the contrary. Ultimately, the characters, end up ok, as do most of us in our lives. However, I think you use this simplistic philosophy to cope with a life where we are often denied what we want, are treated cruelly, and are often the victims of unfortunate twists of fate. I think you are capable of a more nuanced approach than this simple Panglossian ideology, debunked centuries ago by Voltaire. Happy Holidays!
I agree with what you are saying Davey.It’s not that we shouldn’t get disappointed or sad etc but the reason we are all here is to walk a certain path and embrace it for the moment it is.It’s a display of positive virtues to accept what is as is which leads to the beautiful virtues of peace,kindness,temperence, humility, and justice for ourselves and others.
There always seems to be an answer down the road which seems crystal clear.
Thought I had you figured out, Davey, but i’m proved wrong – you’re much deeper (and subtler) than I thought. You’ve really outdone yourself with this post! Happy Holidays with your family and friends.
Personal enlightenment is always a must do activity.
many faiths develop this shed the self
and shed the ego spEcTruM
When in fact the only freedom we have is in EGO
You must always be aware of the fact as a gay person there are alot more people that will hate you than a normal being. Then add in the enemey personality types…and i know many have them.
The only real working system is that of complex energy work on behalf of the system. The tru happiness of self, coming to terms with your world.
Many are rather adept at figuring out a weakness in somebody, but there are others that can help heal the pain of those attacks.
u must let go of alot of stuff and send it back into the world that gave it to you. You must find ways of doing that.
Doing so, further allows you to move on, walk ur own way, and smile at a hawt stud or two while doing it.
oh man, what i have been looking for for ages is like one hawt guy to work out too….i dunno wtf is going on with all these workout guy vids…the guys are like from animal planet or somethin.
sz
I’ve come to terms with things like this. I got angry at someone for treating me badly after years of friendship, but My life is much better without them in it. And I find that it is unfolding for the better for me, to use your words.
I can totally let go of grudges easier now in my life than ever, and you really put some clarification and light on that subject, because it needs the illumination, we all know that. This was a wonderfully insightful post!
Thank you Davey Waveyy. <3
Davey.
I love your logic. Whenever I read your blog it seems to find some way to have significance to the topic or doubt I am currently contimplating in my life. You are truly an inspiration to deep thought for me. And I love it. Thank you davey! Much love!
ITS CALLED DENIAL a psychological defence mechanism.
I suspect Davey knows all to well.
I had to learn the hard way to know what people feel is THEIR TRUTH isn’t necessarily the truth. However, you need to respect their feelings and realize that you can’t change their minds, you just have to accept their feelings as their truth.
An example is that there is a feud between my sister and my dad. Both feel they have been wronged and their minds can’t be changed- no matter how much you try. You can’t change what they believe to be THEIR TRUTH!
A lot of the time I say “I’m over it” as a mantra, even when I’m exasperated when I say it. It’s kind of like saying “Whatever with you — on to better!”
As far as being “under” the matter at hand, I think it’s natural to be affected by someone or something disappointing you. I think it’s not good for someone to carry that disappointment for too long.
I had just writting this sentence this morning — first time I felt that way in months. It was a declaration of jadedness, such an awful feeling!
This is a great post, great point. Keep it going, dude. <3
That almost makes me embarrassed to the way I acted when I broke up with my ex.
lol…nice photoshop!
-m4m
Yes, things are always as they should be. We’ll allow Uganda to murder homosexuals. No point to fight it. It’s exactly as it should be.
its hard to beleive politicians and Pastor Rick Warren are behind this Uganda legislation.those politicians would be in the very U.S.A.Hilary Clinton is one of the family.Rachel Maddow-on MSNBC-has been exposing this on a daily basis.the question i have is this-if this kill-gays bill is successful in Uganda-what would stop politicos implementing this right here in this country?if barbaric events happened in Europe-in the 1930s-can it happen here?
im over it?my heating unit in my condo went out a few hours ago-this unit is not even one year old-i paid over 5000.00 for it.should i be over it-as i freeze thru the night?i dont think so.
My Father leaving when I was six and the relationship we could have had. I’m willing to let go of my thoughts of a ‘perfect’ Father-Son relationship between us and enjoy what we do have….
I can’t agree that all things are as they should be. This reminds me of the character, Dr Pangloss, in Voltaire’s novel, CANDIDE whose philosophy was, “We live in the best of all possible worlds, because if it were possible for the world to be better, it would be so.” Throughout the story, he’s beset by misfortune, poverty, disease and all manner of nastiness, yet he remains steadfast in this view, blithely accepting all the shit that befalls him.
I can’t go with that. What I find handier, as far as philosophies go, is that things just are what or how they are right now. They can change, or sometimes I can change them – but either way, I get no peace until I recognize and accept that “It is what it is.” I don’t have to like it, but I can do what I’m able to do to change it or myself. And thinking that something I don’t like will be replaced by something that I DO… well, that’s just not always how it works. Not for me, anyway…
I don’t quite remember it well, but I think it was St. Teresa of Jesus (yes, Catholic upbringing) – a very wise woman, ahead of her time, who actually upheld several principles that are practiced in Zen budhism – who came up with the prayer (used A LOT by AA):
“God, give strength to change the things I can change, serenity to accept those things I cannot, and wisdom to tell the difference”.
Hey!
What you wrote was like hearing a lot of my ideals written out. You express them a bit differently but they are pretty much identical.
Something I keep coming back to personally is that no one else controls the way you feel. We choose to feel a particular way whether we realize it or not. It is really difficult to express this way, but take any situation, you can either choose to be happy despite whatever it is, or you can be miserable because it isn’t how you want it to be.
I’d rather be happy.
Although, I think a lot of people who hear and see this kind of philosophy often mistake it for inaction or not doing anything to change the way things are. This isn’t true. If you are in a bad situation, change it, but getting upset only hurts you, and maybe other people too if you lash out.
You can be happy where you are though and be working towards a better future. I’m not sure why people seem to think you have to be miserable and hate your situation to make a change for the better. I suppose it provides motivation, but more often then not, people get so focused in on the problem that they can’t see a solution! There’s always a solution
Anyway, you can choose to be happy in each moment with things the way they are. I’m not saying it’s easy, and I’m not saying you can change overnight, or even in a lifetime, but it is a direction to point yourself in that can only help you and those around you.
Things are the way they are! Being miserable doesn’t help you change things, and being happy doesn’t mean you can’t still change things. So if you can work towards a better future from either a place of happiness or a place of misery, why would you opt for misery?
Just be happy, it’s a much nicer way to feel!
Even though I agree with you Davey, I believe that I must think more often of this myself. I haven’t completely learned that just because one thing didn’t work out, doesn’t mean the rest of events in my path are ruined. In a time of doubt I need to remind myself that there are greater things to come and will happen when they are suppose to. Thanks for posting this one Davey.
Love, Peace, and Hugs,
~ Eva
Davey,
This year has been a year of letting go. I agree with your idealism that all is as it should I call it Devine Order. We have the power to choose our life and our reaction to it. I don’t believe in evil or good it just is. Funny that I read this with a friend when I actually had been discussing this same topic. You don’t need to be a monk or dead to have this philosophy. Meditation helps LOL. When we connect to our inner santuary we come to self awareness that releases us from pain and suffering. We are no longer bound to just human experience. We ARE after Human BEings. At any given time we have a choice on what our experience is and what part we choose play in that experience.
Their is always three versions to any story your version, my version and the truth. The truth is always colored by the eye of the beholder.
Something that I came to realize this year of transition is that I am the common factor in everything that I have experienced thus far, so that being said I have participated in creating my life, consciously or not.
That awareness give me strength and peace of mind that I am an active creator of my experience. For me it comes down to faith. I believe that all happens as it meant to be. For in hindsight it all works out for the greater good.
Ah yes!! I welcome the discussion of the ultimate dichotomy of our existance.
I believe when we die we see how everything is an illusion. That nothing really matters ultimately.
But in physical realitý, even knowing this, one realizes that the ultimate reason why we are even alive is to understand the true glory of who we are good anbd bad. This includes all the happy, sad, drama, etc.
If you feel over something now, then you are exactly that, because that is how you feel. That is the only real truth. However in retrospect often you realize it wasn’t so bad possibly, or maybe it was. But here today in the present, it is how we feel that is important.
As a fence sitter (lmao I love that) I say that everybody is correct here, becauseit their experience and understanding. And if it is not, then so be it. After all. What does it matter. Its all an illusion ultimately.