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Tuesday’s Tips: How to love yourself.
September 22, 2009 | 33 Comments
The student said to the master, “How do you love yourself? Today I feel so horrible, alone and afraid.”
“It will pass,” the teacher replied.
A week later, the student came back to his teacher. “I feel so good! I feel good about myself and life. It’s wonderful!”
“It will pass,” the teacher replied.
The road to loving yourself is full of twists and turns, ups and downs. But where do you start? And what is my advice for jump-starting the journey of self love? Grab a few Kleenex, some lotion and… Oh wait, that’s a different kind of self love.
Here’s what I’d recommend:
- Forgive yourself. Carrying around the weight of your missteps is stunting your evolution. Remind yourself that it is through your so-called mistakes that you learn and grow.
- Know that your self worth is intrinsic. Avoid evaluating yourself based on how many other people love, desire or want you. Avoid evaluating your self worth based on anything outside of yourself, such as your body, your penis, your car or your bank account. Avoid evaluating yourself based on anything that is transient and changing, including situations and circumstances.
- Know that you are worthy. You are the universe, very literally. The sum of the whole is in each of the parts. You are one such part, and no one is any more deserving (or any less deserving) of its abundance than you.
- Cultivate unconditional love. Don’t restrict your love – and don’t select pieces of yourself to love. You are not a cafeteria. You don’t get to pick and choose what you want. You are the complete deal and the whole package. You may wish to change parts of yourself, but you have to love it all now – as every aspect of you is here to serve your evolution.
Even your tendency to watch pimple popping videos on youtube. - Create sacred alone time. Set aside an amount of time that seems appropriate and cultivate your relationship with yourself. Do something that you want to do, and do not invite a friend. Do it alone, and love it. Cherish the experience. Go to a restaurant that you love. Walk in the park. Go see a movie.
As you learn to love yourself more and more – and we all have room to grow – a funny thing starts to happen. You’ll have more love in your heart, and thus, more love to share with the people around you. Your relationships will reflect that love and the entire universe will take notice. Including you.
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It is hard to forgive yourself. We prefer to beat ourselves up than learn from it, let it go and move on.
I believe most of us like ourselves. It is takes time and work to truly love yourself which is much healthier.
i wish i could be so optimistic
yay, i do one of the five things… i am alone a lot of the time (kinda pathetic, i know). i have some work to do on the rest of the stuff (cough cough i am worthy? -cough). and in an attempt to learn how to love myself, i shall carry these steps around like a five part grocery check list, lets see if it works. thanks Davey, keep doing what you’re doing.
that Blog is an especially good one!
I’d have loved to see it as a talky blog!!!
maybe… for me?
It’s nice to learn about self-fulfillment from a different angle. I think I am learning more about myself and my perspective by following your blogs. Your views are truly refreshing. Thank you for spending your time sharing.
Self love is the most important love that we can and must experience. Without genuine self love we can’t fully love someone else or be fully loved by someone else.
Self love comes from self awareness, self knowledge, self understanding, self acceptance, and self forgiveness. Each of these things contributes to the overall image and definition that we have of ourselves, and allows us to awaken to our true nature and stand in our own light.
Once we begin to stand in our own light (achieve self enlightenment) we are able to experience unconditional, unqualified and unbounded love for, and understanding of, ourselves. And, as a by product of that self love and understanding, we also experience unconditional, unqualified and unbounded love for, and understanding of, everyone else. That then allows us to freely exchange and experience absolute love, without judgment or prerequisites. Isn’t that, after all, the true love that we are all striving to find?
I know that sounds like a load of BS to a lot of people, but once you’ve started to experience it, you’ll never want to go back to your old way of seeing yourself or anyone else. You’ll begin to get an overall feeling of peace and love for your own life and for all life.
And with that comes the “ah ha moment”, as Oprah would say, when you realize just how much alike we all are, and how connected we all are to each other and the universe.
It all begins with self love and understanding.
As always,
Peace and Love,
Todd in VA
Thank you for this. I feel like I’m always sad, but reading this made me smile
oh, i have a quicky little question. how do you tell the difference between telling yourself positive affirmations and lying to yourself?
Use your right hand and some nice lotion. (;
It’s a choice. Let yourself choose optimism. It really is just that simple. Look for the good in a situation and go with it.
this was a fucking amazing post. like amazing. thank you davey wavey. youre the best. thank youthank you
You have opened up my world to a whole lot of NASTY youtube videos.
Of course it’s an obvious and easy thing to do. But it won’t last.
It’s a short term solution. Resist the temptation, try and refrain yourself from doing it. In the long run you feel a better person. I’ve been there…
I have to add: try and refrain yourself from doing it, every time you feel the urge to do it. So: bring down the frequency. It’ll lift your spirit.
After years and years of tiny highs and huge downs, I finally got to the point of completely accepting myself as the man who I am. I feel so liberated, so relieved. My mother had to die to achieve that (that’s a sad and deep one).
People who know me well ánd people who don’t tell me I’m beaming. And that’s exactly how I feel, beaming. Full of energy, determination and love of life.
Wherever I walk, a road will form, that’s my new motto.
If you google any of the highlighted items in this post, you will find dozens of other sites using the same words. It’s time to refrain from the package and just say what’s on our minds.
Oh, Cat. You can.
Dave from Windsor makes a good point — choose.
There are mornings I wake up and the negative loop is already playing in my head. It seems to start before I’m even aware.
So, as dorkie as it sounds, I put a BIG sign on the mirror over my dresser that said (in bright, colourful letters) CHOOSE.
It’s just a reminder that I CAN choose:
I can choose to listen to that tape, or choose to shut it off.
I can choose to pull the covers up over my head, or I can choose to get the coffee brewin’.
I can choose to live in the lower-case, or I can choose to OVER-DO the CAPS LOCK, or I can choose to
It takes time and practice to undo the habit of self-berating. But it’s time worth investing.
Hey James,
Positive affirmations are no more a lie than the hateful things we sometimes think and say about ourselves.
I have a great suspicion of people who say hateful things to others using the excuse “i’m just telling the truth”, as if they are being courageous. They are mistaking audacity for truth, and it is an easy and cowardly thing to do.
We don’t need to do that to ourselves, either.
Positive affirmations aren’t just the opposite of negative thinking. It’s so much more. The negative tape in my head says “I will never look like that guy in the side-bar ad for “Gay Body Blog: male perfection”. The positive affirmation isn’t “Yes I do, yes I do, I look just like that, so I’m male perfection too!” That’s a misguided lie, a twisting of reality. The TRUTH is “I am who I am right now, and who I am right now is perfect, because now is perfect.”
I know, I know … it sounds like dime-store, self-help, Dr Phil crap. But don’t blow it off. It’s much older and much wiser than any mass-media produced phenomenon.
We are the stories we tell ourselves. They are full of tragedy and comedy and the banal. Why focus on the tragic or the banal — it’s gonna show up anyway. Why not focus on the comedy? Hell, why not focus on the musical-comedy?!
That’s not necessarily true for everyone. It can be very good, and good for you too. Research is finding that it may even help prevent prostate cancer.
Using the word temptation implies that there is something “wrong”. There isn’t anything wrong with it, it’s natural.
I NEED U I’M …. YOU KNOW WHO I AM PLEASE ANSWER ME!!! HURRY!!!
yeah, i understand the whole idea of thinking positive/negative things about yourself and that we shouldn’t create delusions about ourselves. and in avoiding these delusions how do you tell the difference of lies and the truth, from both yourself and others. (e.g.) like some of my friends say that i don’t look bad, but i strongly disagree with that, it honestly seems like a lie to think of myself in a good way. and this is seriously impeding my progress on tip #3, on how to learn how to love myself, haha. (thanks for the reply)
Hey man, I came across one of ur videos on YT n decided to visit ur website. Ur awesome man, really like urn blog
Narcissus speaks!
Thanks for the message, a few funny parts too.
But it’s really hard for me to love myself completely…I really don’t like being an Asian without (at least) average sized penis, curved butt, and a pair of deep, pretty eyes…
how much I wished to be White…
I’ve always been doin’ #5 and it’s really good… nice post…(:
Self-forgiveness is SO important. Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter what I did in the past; it means I acknowledge the mistake, am sorry, will try my best not to repeat the mistake, and will not let my past hold me back. As the following lyrics from a Rascal Flatts song go, “I’m Movin On …”
I’ve dealt with my ghosts
And faced all my deamons
Finally content with the past I regret
I found you find strenght in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with my self
I’ve been burdened with blame
Traped in the past for too long
I’m movin on
May you be able to move on too . . .
cheap shot.
[...] A wonderful article looking at how you can learn to love yourself - http://www.breaktheillusion.com/?p=1805 [...]
I don’t like my self. all my life always alone,i am still virgin,i know nobody would ever love me on or say it to me,sometime it hurt so much i have pain my chest that can not even breath.
why?
that sounds sad…how old are you?
why would you assume nobody would ever love you?
are you like…very very ugly?
there’s always somebody for someone, just keep searching.
I know some people who really don’t care about how they look and how others look,
they’re happy and stuff.
unless you consider yourself ugly from inside out, but if that’s the case, I also know people who likes bad/mean, ugly people!
How bad is your situation?
Hope this didn’t offend you, I’m just trying to help
Peter – if you were within reach I would give you a big hug and let you know I was here whenever you felt down, needed to talk, needed a hug, or wanted to go out or just hang out. Now that you’ve discovered this site, know we, your fellow blog buddies are here for you. I pray also, that you may feel the power of the universe, god, goodness is also with you; and that you may experience this in the rising sun, a singing bird, a bed of flowers, the kindness of a stranger, the comfort of snuggling your pillow in bed, . . . I wish these things for you because I LOVE YOU.
Cat, remember that everyone is pessimistic from time to time. It’s a phase, just like everything else in life. The way to deal with pessimism is to look to the future. Think about where your life is going, set down goals, work out how you are going to become the person you want to be. If you just give yourself a few days where you forget about the present and plan for the future, I guarantee you that you will be optimistic, excited and ready for change.