My heart’s not broken. Just damaged, temporarily. It’s not anything too big to surmount. But nor is it too small to overlook.
Nearly seven weeks ago, my boyfriend traveled to NYC from his home in Canada to join me for my summer adventures. One of the best things about long distance relationships is that you really learn to appreciate – and not take for granted – your significant other. Of course, all of that changes when you actually are geographically together; it’s hard to live in a perpetual state of relationship gratitude, especially when you’re picking his dirty socks off the floor for the 94th time.
After New York, we traveled briefly to my parents’ home in Rhode Island – and then took off to the wilds of New Hampshire for my current adventure in the treehouse. But like all things with a beginning, our time together came to an end. On Sunday, I dropped him off at the bus station and he traveled on back to Toronto.
Truth be told, this was really our first time living together for such an extended period of time. It felt very different saying goodbye this time.
I was good, at first. But when I got back to the treehouse, I began to feel like an amputee after surgery. Many amputees report feeling “ghost” limbs after an arm or a leg is removed – as though it’s still there, but it’s not. With no disrespect to amputees, that’s almost how I felt at the treehouse. I expected to see him sitting on the bed, or up in the loft that he used as an office. I felt – and still feel – quite haunted by his absence.
I know I sound a bit dramatic, but it’s the way of the heart’s affairs. And sooner rather than later, I’ll move back to a place of gratitude wherein I’m thankful for being able to share my life with such a wonderful person. If geographic distance is our greatest obstacle, then we’re doing pretty well. I should be grateful for so many things: that we had a summer together; that it was amazing; that we connect so well; etc., etc. There are bigger things in the world on which to focus. Much greater challenges for myself and others to face and overcome. I’ll get there. Just not quite yet.
I miss him.
August 18, 2010 at 1:22 am
Been there, done that, and I do not think I would again. Then again, when and if the “one” comes that would be a different story, but I know what u r feeling bro…
August 18, 2010 at 2:06 am
I had two friends that went into the military. Both of them I love dearly. The one was probably the first man I fell in love with, the other was an almost. I could often smell their cologne or feel them hug me before I fell asleep or pat me on the back after a long shift at work. I even knew when the one brokehis leg three days before his parents did… my point is, no matter how far apart you are or how little or often you get to talk or see one another, the person(s) you love are always still so very close. Sometimes, we can be together with them while being thousands of miles apart. The fact that you felt your boyfriends presence so strongly, well, I think that just shows how much you love each other. Don’t feel sad that it’s just a “phantasm” that hides in plain sight, be happy it’s the part of him that he left behind to be with you until you guys get more vacation time to be together.
August 18, 2010 at 3:12 am
To be frank, I enjoyed this post more so than I have some of your others (let me explain).
I think it’s wonderful that you are usually so upbeat and well, happy, but the truth be known we all experience up’s and down’s. Some of your readers may not agree (and that’s their right; everybody has an opinion, after all) but this shows you in a more fallible/vulnerable, human light.
I’ve sometimes wondered if you really appreciated the relationship you share with Nick(?), given some of the things you’ve said or seemingly done during your other trips. Don’t misunderstand; this isn’t intended to sound like criticism because I’m not judging you — I am simply making an observation. Also, I understand the difficulties with long-distance relationships so, to be completely honest, I don’t really believe people have a perfectly good understanding of their own ties, emotionally, to a person until they have spent an extended period of time living with that individual and then must live apart.
You’re not being dramatic in the least, imo. You miss him; connect with that emotion and learn from it. You just never know how doing so might affect future decisions that you make with regard to your life. I venture to say, that if the both of you are feeling this same sense of despondency because of separation, perhaps it’s time to move this relationship on to the next level.
Oh, and teach the boy how to use a danged hamper! ROFL.
Namaste,
Michael
August 18, 2010 at 6:23 am
please don’t be sad davey. Having been in a LDR (long-distance relationship) I feel your pain. Try and talk everyday online or through videochat. It’s not the same as someone’s physical presence, but I’m sure it will help. Take care.
August 18, 2010 at 7:00 am
If you have a REALLY good friend and he’s not there, it can leave a big hole!
August 18, 2010 at 7:20 am
awwww…hugs from cleveland
dave
August 18, 2010 at 7:28 am
Sending a big HUG from Houston, ♥
August 18, 2010 at 7:31 am
I know the pain Davey! Hugs to you my friend! It will get better – Cheers Mate!!!
August 18, 2010 at 7:43 am
I enjoy seeing the less up-beat side of David. It makes it clear that you are human.. You have so much to teach the world. Just remember that people can learn from all aspects of your personality.
August 18, 2010 at 7:58 am
How dare you, myself and everyone here, be human……
August 18, 2010 at 8:49 am
Davey, I am sorry you feel so empty right now, I surely can relate. You will bounce back in time. I am just curious to know, why is it that the two of your are so distant from eachother?
August 18, 2010 at 9:09 am
Your emotional sharing is so helpful to me and, obviously, to so many others. The outpouring of love hear has made me weep with joy. So much love in a world where it has become so easy to express anger and hate. I so look forward to what you and your fellow bloggers say. Blessings on everyone; no exceptions.
August 18, 2010 at 9:19 am
I am sorry for you. Hugs from Amsterdam. And you’ll get over this. Life doesnt stop you know. More to come! Need a different environment? Come to Amsterdam! x
August 18, 2010 at 9:36 am
Years ago after a breaup with Partner#2 (#1 was for 18 years)I felt horrible but too exhaused to actively decided do anything about it.
On some level the “not doing anything but feel bad” worked for the situation. I had faith that the storm would pass and it eventually did.
I’ve used the same approach on a couple of other life situations and I feel that it pulls me through the storm at a good pace.
What is so wrong about feeling bad? It’s human isn’t it?
August 18, 2010 at 11:03 am
Long distance relationships eventually fail for the reasons you just described. If you truly want to keep it then one of you needs to move permanently. Yes, one of you could immigrate Where there is a will there is a way.
August 18, 2010 at 12:09 pm
I agree with Philip for the way I live my life. It’s not about right or wrong, good or bad but what works or does not work.
That said: I know a number of couples that live apart even the next town over.
Where I am with life I like my space and not the demand of another person full time.
August 18, 2010 at 1:10 pm
Davey, I know what your feeling. I recently was dumped after four years and as much as I tell myself “I’ll be fine”, I still feel him there at the most innapropriate moments… On the good side I quit drinking because of those moments (I can’t deal).
My only words of wisdom are probably not going to help much more than what everyone else has said. The only therapy I have found is in snorkling on the reef near my house and making “break-up” playlists (I’ve made four so far).
But know this, you are loved by many. In fact everyone who reads your blog is drawn to your journey and your perspective.
Never frown because you never know who is in love with your smile.
August 18, 2010 at 1:11 pm
I love to wallow for a while!
August 18, 2010 at 2:18 pm
Buck up man!
The sun is still shining and you are surrounded by the natural beauty of the world. And remember, it never hurts to smile. =]
August 18, 2010 at 3:48 pm
As I’ve read your post Davey and all the above comments, I have felt a real need to comment myself. I no longer experience that need because my dear friend Michael M, has expressed my sentiments exactly.
Yes, Davey, I really do like and appreciate you (but no I do not have a crush on you or want to jump in bed with you every night).
Up to now I have sometimes been suspicious of the nature and seriousness of your relationship. It seemed to me that you could flip it off like you do some of your “temporaries.” But the mere fact that you can say, “I miss him” says a lot about you.
The test of deep love and the beginning of real commitment (which I think is hard for you) only comes by actually living together for some time. Yes, picking up a guy’s socks or dirty underwear is as much a part of the “test of love as sex in bed. And the reverse is true, putting up with an excessive need for organization or cleanliness.
Michael, you are right, DW is at the place where he has an opportunity to move to the next level.
August 18, 2010 at 3:53 pm
What an awesome and crazy-fun thing love is. I’m so happy for you, because we long for that which we love. Seems like your relationship will continue to change and grow and simply become more. lots of love, -Stu
August 18, 2010 at 4:08 pm
I’m new to this blog and don’t know the full details or the individuals involved; but hear me out:
My 2nd partner and I broke up very amicably. He decided to take advantage of a wonderful offer for him about 1,000 miles away.
We cared a lot for each other but it was apparent that being together was not in each others best interest.
Neither of us wanted to put the other through the strain of a long distance relationship. Maybe that was a polite way of ending the relationship.
We stayed in touch for awhile and then it stopped. Neither of us have reached out to each other for years.
For me, disconnecting is as important as connecting. It’s very hard to disconnect.
Why do we think a relationship is unsuccessful when it ends?
August 18, 2010 at 5:07 pm
Well… Davey… I’m reading all of your posts, but only seldom comment on them. This time I just can’t pass it by. Because. This what you are talking about was my share (and still is) for about a month. Reading this just brought my memories and feelings and reminded me how I was feeling just about a month ago. And your picture, just sitting there with THIS face… I was sitting with the same face and alike feelings… The feeling of emptiness after you have been with him so close is unimaginable. The feeling of your head going to burst with 24/7 thoughts about him is unbearable…
Plus the picture is one of the best emotional still moments I have ever seen. Tells me all I need to know.
August 18, 2010 at 6:51 pm
Sounds like you’re finally growing up. Wait til the distance is earth to heaven after 40 years together.
August 18, 2010 at 7:40 pm
Hey! Hola Davey! Just read this post and wanted to drop a few lines to show some love and support. I don´t really know what to say right now, but I do think that time fixes our emotions. Thanks for sharing this experience with us thru the blog. I wish you to be happier sooner than later and peace of mind! that always help
Hugs from Mexico. Not really in the same way your boyfriend, but I do love you! Bye
August 18, 2010 at 8:41 pm
I often view Echart Tolle (a spiritual secularist) on YouTube. He presents an interesting thought provoking perspective to life issues.
Someone in his audiance once brought up a personal experience that was very painful (use your imagination) and asked Eckart what was needed to feel better and allow him to move forward with his life.
Eckart risked popularity by responding that,”maybe you need more pain”.
I have always found pain to be a good motivator. The pain forced me to say, “that’s it” magical words changing my life in a better defined direction (for me and not the boyfriend).
Davey, with all due respect, there are no hugs here, soft pillows, kisses, well wishes, sugar and honey, etc.
Life is not a continued orgazmic buzz in P-town. Yes, it’s time to grow up but you still seem very young. Maybe you are still idealistic and looking for your pot of man gold at the end of the rainbow. Maybe when your good looks and cute ways start to wane you will wake up to the wonders of life’s defining realities.
August 19, 2010 at 1:18 am
Davey
The spectrum of human emotion, especially when it comes to love, can and does put us in uncomfortable places. But the growth that can result is worth the discomfort.
I’ve got a few years on you and have experience physical seperation, emotional seperation, break up seperation, and the final seperation resulting from death of those I love. Each had its’ own lesson(s)to give. Gently grow through the present experience.
August 19, 2010 at 2:59 am
There is nothing textbook about love. We have joy and tears in the ocean waves of it. But the wave still is what it is. It travels between the shores of our beings. Maybe a great distance, yet a wave can travel it. In mid-ocean only a gentle rocking of the ship that a sailor may hardly notice yet approaching that other shore the wave will rise up a passionate force. Can we ever keep ourselves steady knowing love is also steady even if only the subtle rocking of a keel at the middle of the ocean? Do we appreciate the quiet cooler force presence between the moment of passion at the rock on the shore? It is not the fault of the force in the wave, but our desire to know the passion of that splash upon our shore without the waiting as we gaze at subtle movements in the distant sea. Let us not trade passion of the need in this moment for the force enduring all oceans and times. Let us accept loss and joy each in their time. Otherwise desire in the present will depreciate what may yet be to arrive and learn from in the future…
Love forever,
S
August 19, 2010 at 3:31 am
First, . I’d give u a huge hug.. Yeah long distant relationships are always hard. Good. Thing we have facetime on the i4′s and web cam. The phone itself is not enough..
I have been in a long distant relationship. I believe the key ingreidents would be communication and trust. Always trust the relationship. Communicate often. Your heart will ache a little when it comes to spending time together.. You have so little of time together that you want to make the best out of it.. When it’s time to departure, you just feel like something that is a part of you is missing.. That why we sorrow and have these heart aches.. However, you got to move on and look for the best in next time.
It’s like when you lose to a game that you almost come close to winning, that feeling just shut you down a little. But, you always have to look for the best in the near future..
Talking about that makes me want to go give my boyfriend a hug now. One for you and your boyfriend who are away.. Keep your head up, brother..
August 19, 2010 at 5:02 pm
Damn Davey,
I felt the hurt, which go’s to show, we are
all one. And that’s A good thing
August 19, 2010 at 6:58 pm
I know that feeling.
August 19, 2010 at 7:52 pm
Beautiful quote. =]
August 19, 2010 at 8:56 pm
I got a serious case of lump in throat and silent tears reading this one Davey! I have a similar if not so wrenching situation. My partner of 11 years (husband for the last four) works away from home. He leaves on Monday morning and I don’t see him again until late Thursday evening.
Tonight his plane is late AGAIN! I miss him so much when he is gone!!! But it does make the weekends more special. The hardest thing for me is waking up in the middle of the night and he is not there beside me… It’s an incdescribeable feeling.
This is the first time I have posted in your blog I was incredibly moved by the precision with which you found the cork on the bottle of emotions and poped it effortlessly from it’s secure station.
It was great having you living in Toronto some time ago, I hope you will come back here to live again, and maybe marry your boyfriend, and live here… Hugs man – Brian.
August 22, 2010 at 9:39 am
No words of comfort, just an honest little message, I’ve always found that love, true deep honest love, will find away, come what may. You seem to have that kind of honest powerful heart filled love, so, you will make it through, you will overcome these obstacles.
Loads of hugs,
August 24, 2010 at 3:38 pm
DW:
My partner and I have been together for two years. We dated for 11 months before taking the plunge and combining our homes, and even then I kept a room 40 miles away where I worked and went to school. I graduated in May and have since let my room go and now commute to work.
The past 2 years have been interesting for us, but we have grown together at a very slow and steady pace. I am extremely happy to be living together full-time.
Here’s the rub…Next year, I have plans to begin Doctoral work at a school 12-hours away. The program will be at least two full years, and I am a very “affectionate” person. I almost dread the time we are going to be apart, but I know that it will be for the best in the long run.
I wish you all the best as you deal with your LDR, Davey. Everything that happens has a purpose.
August 31, 2010 at 12:01 pm
I’m so happy for both of you that your relationship is still going strong. Don’t be so down just because your far away from each other maybe there’s a perfect time when the two of you will be together for the longest time. Cheer up Davey!
kisses from Philippines