And so it’s day 13 of the 30-Day Blogging Challenge. Today, I’m charged with writing a letter to someone who has hurt me.
What seems like a straight-forward challenge strikes me as a bit misleading. Aside from physical hurt, which I have been fortunate enough to more-or-less avoid in my life, the only person that can hurt me is… myself.
Hurt comes from within. And though we say, “He hurt me,” we ought to recognize that the hurt was really the result of our reaction to a given situation. Our reactions are now, and always will be, choices – though many of us (myself included) often react unconsciously.
So when I write a letter to someone that has hurt me in my adult life, it seems to me the only possible recipient is myself.
Dear Davey,
You are the gatekeeper of your life, deciding what goes into – and comes out – of your castle. When anger or hate or negativity try to enter, pull up your drawbridge and engage it not. Anger, hate and negativity can not hurt you without your permission.
Do not let anger, hate or negativity dwell in your castle; they have no home in you.
Love,
Davey
In your life, who has hurt you? Feel free to write them a short letter in the comments below.
March 4, 2011 at 11:27 am
Omg. Please read this post a couple of days past your 30-day-blog-challenge and feel free to make fun of it! lol
March 4, 2011 at 11:33 am
Everyone has been hurt in their lifetime from the actions of others..to say otherwise in not being honest.
Life is not always about happiness…happiness is promised to no one. I think if I had to choose between extreme happiness and extreme suffering I would choose to suffer.
In our suffering comes peace, and only peace is redemptive…if we are not at peace with ourselves we can not love.
It’s not always about us is it? No we live in a world full of people don’t we? I think the less we worry about ourselves the more we can give charity to others…
So to answer your question yes I have been hurt, but regrettably and most importantly I have hurt others….
March 4, 2011 at 11:56 am
You’re quite right, Davey. I can think of other people who have hurt me – but only with my (often unconscious) permission. It’s along the lines of Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous quote: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
March 4, 2011 at 1:39 pm
Well, people have tried to hurt me, but the only think i ever feel for those people is i feel sorry for them. One of my best friend usually mocks me about how i never get angry (shes a bitch, but also one of my best friends.. its complicated) as if it’s a bad thing… She’s so stupid :/
March 4, 2011 at 1:40 pm
i had problems with fb… ´cuz my bf lives in fb jejeje the problem was that i was jealous p.q and i thought tha he loved fb jajaja… when he saw me and my face
he said me: papi i love you so much.. and you will be the first in my life.. and do not feel this way for fb, you know it is new for me.. (i taught him how to use fb jeje) so don´t forget i love you
ok i know i was wrong jejeje i was hurting myself XD….
as Davey said:
THE ONLY PERSON THAT CAN HURT ME IS MYSELF…
March 4, 2011 at 2:23 pm
Who is this “slime” that hurt you. Give me his name. Nobody hurts my buddy. “Mad witch here” You want me to spank him for you? I am sorry that you are feeling bad, big guy. Wish I was there to cuddle and sooth your hurt feelings. Sweety if you need to vent or talk write me an email or you could call me and we could work this out so you feel better.
Momma’s here for you love.
March 4, 2011 at 2:52 pm
What you say may be true for casual relationships. For those who have suffered emotional abuse, it is not a matter of choosing whether to be offended or not. Sometimes it can be more complicated. Your nervous system does not need your consent to report emotional pain. The response to some pain is not so easily blown off when the pain is constant and comes from someone whom you believe cares about you.
March 4, 2011 at 3:14 pm
I feel that you can avoid adding fuel to a fire. But pain always hurts whether emotional or otherwise. Though we can choose to be positive and proactive with it, it will still hurt us. Sometimes the pain can only be resolved through positive reinforcement from others.
March 4, 2011 at 4:34 pm
Dear Steven,
You are the first person I told that I thought I was gay. We were friends for a long time. Then, you stopped talking to me. In fact, you ignored me and now I’ve moved on. You may think that you were the only person that I’ve ever liked, but you are wrong. I don’t need you anymore because I have people that are truly my friends and won’t desert me when I need them the most.
-Vaughan
March 4, 2011 at 5:29 pm
I agree that this definitely deserves consideration, especially when taken in the context of the quote that Andrea shared by Eleanor Roosevelt. But i also think it can be a lot more complicated than this, and it bothers me that essentially what you are saying is that its wrong for people to feel pain when someone does something to hurt them. I think in some situations this is completely valid, but I really think it depends on the situation. I agree that they shouldn’t wallow in it, they shouldn’t let it consume them, and they should be able to get over and move past it eventually, understanding that they are not inferior. But I think pain also shows an important part of who we are. I think it’s important to reach the point you are talking about, but I don’t think it’s right to suggest people should always be able to feel that way right away, without considering their situation.
March 4, 2011 at 5:32 pm
Basically what I mean is that yes the burt we feel is the result of our reaction to the situation, but I really don’t think that reaction is necessarily wrong. Not when you consider the situation
March 4, 2011 at 6:58 pm
girl you gotta let that s**t go!
March 4, 2011 at 7:00 pm
Again the ambigious, quasi Deepak Chopra solution to a situation. With all due respect, you are so totally off on a tangent on this point. People can be hateful to other human beings and it can resonate.
March 4, 2011 at 7:06 pm
“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
March 4, 2011 at 7:33 pm
Bryan,
We were friends, true friends. Neither one of us was completely at fault, we were both to blame. Although it will be two years, I am saddened to look back and remember how our relationship ended. If you ever do decide to turn around, I will still be here. I am not going anywhere and I hope you are doing well. Love you, man.
Bye.
- Jared
March 5, 2011 at 1:26 am
Gareth,
No matter what happens, know that I have nothing but love for you. You meant more to me than you’ll ever know. I wish for nothing less than the best for you and hope you find your way. You’ll always have a special place in my heart. Lots of love.
-K
March 5, 2011 at 2:03 am
Friend:
Out of continued respect for where you are, I will neither use nor invent your name. I meant all that I said, and tried every imaginative way I could to express my heart. You know that, and it connected with you; I could see it in your eyes. I truly believe that the two of us, standing hand-in-hand and side-by-side, was an image drawn within the Grand Design. Alone, we were fabulous. But I saw the defenses rise whenever others were around, and now you perceive the risk so great that you need to move several squares in reverse. I’m sorry that mom and dad would be so disappointed. Too bad you need to live their lives rather than yours. In the continuum of my life there will be forever this fascinating and tragic band composes of optimistic joy and painful tragedy. There we are: X marks the spot. I forgive that you cannot change yourself. But, oh man, if ever you could…
March 5, 2011 at 2:26 am
You’re sooo right. Davide and Davey. Just recognised :
1- I’m the only one who decide about my feeling and how i can handle it or not.
2- I’ve been hurt (by others) but deep thinking about all of that, I’ve hurt ‘em.(Not too easy to admit thou)
so this i would not be able to write the right letter, instead i would just say “Why are you (myself) doing this?” …
March 5, 2011 at 2:31 am
Lim Zhi Li,
Of all the people I know in my existence, you’re the only one who has hurt me the most because I love & you’re important to me even though you don’t feel the same way about me, I’m not important to you & you don’t love me. I hope that one day I will be able to reconcile with you.
I will text you a short message on my 18th birthday on 7th March, next Monday regardless of whether you will reply or not.
(to reconcile with you…is what I will wish for on my birthday)
-Keinaf aka Nafis
March 5, 2011 at 3:49 am
When I first thought I might be gay at the age of 12 it was so confusing to me but now i am 16 and still afraid and confused. So this is to my old best friend Jacob.
Dear Jacob,
Why did you do it? You were like family to me so I trusted you with my secret. Did you have to spread it around? Although you hurt me I still miss you and in a way I thank you. If you had not of told my secret I wouldn’t of had to move. Because of my moving, I have found friends who accept me for who I am.
Thanks,
Your old friend sammy
March 5, 2011 at 3:59 am
“I think if I had to choose between extreme happiness and extreme suffering I would choose to suffer.”
You must be Roman Catholic.
March 5, 2011 at 8:38 am
100 % agree. Here is my note.
Dear Adam,
I love you but 3 years ago you turned on me for no apparent reason. I have carried this hurt far too long. I used to let you rent space in my head but now I don’t . You will always have a place in my heart until the day I am taken from this earth
I feel freer than I have in a long time. Thank you Davey for sharing your thoughts and being genuine. I simply and humbly say thanks.
March 5, 2011 at 8:41 am
OK Now I want you to get up out of your chair and go to the mirror and say (I want to see the lips say the words) “there are situations in my life of sufficient magnitude which preclude my concern for people who can do no better with their talents than to chew on my good reputation” Now, repeat, rinse and spit. Class dismissed.
March 5, 2011 at 9:08 am
He has a choice and he chooses to suffer. I think he has been brainwashed by someone.
March 5, 2011 at 9:19 am
This first book I am writing is to teach people how to let go of any hurt we feel. It does start with us. People often speak of forgiving ourselves, and others to heal, but I believe there is a huge step that has to happen before we can forgive: let go of our judgment of the person who has hurt us. How can we do this when we feel like we’ve been ‘wronged’ by them? Changing perspectives. If the only shoes we ever really know are our own then how someone else behaves is a reflection of their own reality. How can we see someone else is simply doing their best with their personal knowledge, experience, and beliefs? This is all any of us can be. The moment we make ourself ‘right’, we make the other person ‘wrong’. This is the hurt we feel. We become attached to ‘self-righteousness’, and it’s extremely difficult to let go of, but when you do, and no longer see the other person as ‘wrong’, you will be free. Doesn’t mean we need to be friends with everyone, doesn’t mean we don’t take ownership of our part, it just means we don’t inflict our ‘right way’ onto someone else who is not in place to receive it even if it happens to be positive, loving, and kind. I have discovered there are people who choose to suffer, and don’t realize this is the path they have chosen – I say a silent prayer, and walk the other way to those who I choose to surround myself with. People like you : )
March 5, 2011 at 9:56 am
Great lesson DW. Hope more young people “get it”. It is a lesson I still have to remind myself of at 57. You are a special gift. Thanks. Peace. Love.
March 5, 2011 at 9:58 am
FYI – I borrowed your message and posted as my status on facebook – with proper credit to you as the messenger of the quote.
March 5, 2011 at 10:53 am
boy-i sure needed this topic just last friday.i got hurt with a banking situation.i had deposits but nsf-prevented cahing cheques.teller handled situation badly-and i reacted badly.my employer and family member got involved as well.next day-i spent one hour with a personal banker to rectify situation.this was one experience i do not want repeated.i sure learned a lesson-and apologies went out all over the place.emotionally-i dont think i could deal with this again.devastating-is how i felt.Never again.
March 5, 2011 at 11:23 am
Hi DW!
As some have already said, your post is a little self centered. A little thought about you hurting others would have been important too.
Maybe I’m too PC
March 5, 2011 at 11:57 am
Heyy Davey, You are right, but I think the way to maintain control is to Love yourself everyday and keep healthy Mentally, Emotionally & Physically. The reality is that you can still feel pain, but it will not take over your life as it seems when we give our power away to somebody else and they do not respect it. You are right that we put ourselves in that position. If we care for ourselves even if somebody does something wrong…it is on them and you do not have to feel the consequences. Stay strong Budd…you are on the right path.
March 5, 2011 at 12:31 pm
Grandma,
I know that you love me no matter what. I know that you don’t know I am gay, but I am to scared to tell you. I am afraid this might hurt your feelings.
In order to protect your feelings I choose to keep this detail away from you. I hope you can forgive me.
Jacob Woods
March 5, 2011 at 1:30 pm
@McFairy (Roger), Hey you never did give me an answer about my earlier proposal!!!
March 5, 2011 at 6:47 pm
“Who hath dared to hurt thee?” cried the Giant; “tell me, that I may take my big sword and slay him.”
“Nay!” answered the child; “but these are the wounds of Love.”
“Who art thou?” said the Giant, and a strange awe fell on him, and he knelt before the little child.
And the child smiled on the Giant, and said to him, “You let me play once in your garden, to-day you shall come with me to my garden, which is Paradise.”
March 5, 2011 at 7:30 pm
Many of us have been hurt, sometimes directly in correlation to who and what we are. Sometimes the hurt may have been unintenional. Sometimes people knowingly do things unaware of the end result. In every case we can feel hurt, betrayed, let down, violated and the list goes on. We can hold on to that and blame others creating a downward spiral within fostering and perpetuating an emotional and spiritlual self destructiveness that will take its ultimate toll. We can also choose to get the help we need seek and foster love in our lives and rise above the pull that would eventually drown us and suff us out. It is not easy but, it can be done. In every aspect of life the goal is to find what is ultimately healthy and what is not. Cast out the unhealthy things/influences and latch on to the healthy ones.
March 5, 2011 at 8:15 pm
Since he chooses to suffer, it only proves Davey’s point that the only person that hurts yourself is yourself…
March 5, 2011 at 10:00 pm
everyone suffers in their lifetime Ryan, it is what we do with suffering that makes all the difference. Either we can let suffering destroy us or accept it and grow… a person who has not suffered knows nothing about love, true happiness and charity. Think outside the box Ryan
March 6, 2011 at 5:38 pm
Dear Rob, When you betrayed me and our 10 year relationship, you broke my heart. I carried on with life to discover my confidence returned in greater amounts than when we were together. My career soared through my own abilities and perseverance. Thanks for the new found me!
I have no interest in reconnecting with a hypocrite. No interest in anyone who has no interest in me. One poignant question I’ve been asked with regards to you is: “Did Rob ever encourage you to be your greater self?”. No Rob, you didn’t.
March 6, 2011 at 6:55 pm
Marcus-
I’m not even sure if this was your name because you and I only had one encoutner, but you managed to cause me a great deal of pain by raping me. It’s been almost a year and I’m barely dealing with it now. I keep having these nightmares of different men violating me and me running away, but even in my dreams I still fear you coming to get me again. I blame myself, like many other people who are raped, but I keep thinking I am the dumb one because I stayed out with you in your car at 5 in the morning, drunk and high, and naive. There wasn’t even anything conversation and I still stayed. I hate that you raped me. I hate that I didn’t think smart. I’ve been lashing out at people and I get angry at the smallest things now. I wonder if you even feel sorry about what you did. I wonder why you didn’t drive off the lot until I started up my car and left. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.
August 28, 2011 at 4:40 am
Let’s see there is a boy that’s hurting me now his name is Tanner I’m in high school I’m 18 he’s 19 I have a crush on him like I do for u Davey but urs is stronger he yelled at me 3weeks ago for telling him I had a crush on him and then left to cry in a dark place I was so sad that day and felt sad as ever so here’s my letter: Dear tanner, I want u to understand my feelings for u and see it as if u had a crush no.. Love for someone that u knew alot but never loved u back this is eat I feel and I want u to know that. Love, Austin
February 3, 2012 at 11:56 am
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