The other day, a horrified Mitch emerged from my bedroom in a tight black tank top and tiny snug shorts to ask me, “Do I look gay?”
How does one look gay? You know the answer as well as me. Though the gay community is diverse beyond description – our gayness knows no bounds of culture, color, shape, size or expression – there is a stereotypical “gay” look that the world often uses to define us. And for better or worse, that look consists of tank tops and snug shorts, not to mention the occasional touch of sequins or bedazzlement.
For me, the real question is: What’s so wrong with looking gay? If looking gay is so bad, it must be because we secretly believe that being gay is bad? Is this belief really an expression of our own self-loathing? We don’t worry that driving a nice car might make us look like a doctor, or that wearing pricey clothes may make us look like a lawyer. Why, then, worry that our clothes might make us look gay? Especially if we are?
Though the majority of Americans support gay people and equal rights (yup, the scales just tipped this year!), it’s no secret that a lot of people still hate us and believe that we’ll burn in hell. Though we may not share their convictions, we do see and interact with these people in our everyday life – and not doubt, the “gayest” among us are the recipients of dirty looks and even lewd comments. It takes broad shoulders and some deep self-love to be able to shrug off that type of undesired attention.
And so sometimes it’s easier to trade in the go-go shorts for some cargos, or a muscle shirt for a polo. It’s easier to go under the radar than above it, but then again, as Oscar Wilde once said, “discontent is the first step of progress in a man or a nation.”
Do you look gay? In my humble opinion, you should be so lucky. Being gay is a wonderful thing and you should be so lucky that someone might think that you’re part of a community as beautiful and courageous as ours.
June 19, 2010 at 10:41 am
Hey there,
My little riot there was not about how that person looks or acts, and if it is considered be be “straight-acting”, I don’t think that exists, what I don’t like about it is the way things in the world are, that someone would rather say “I look straight” to say “I look like what I’m, regardless of sexual orientation”
I know my speech is confusing sorry.
I definitely don’t think “queer enough” exist, and I do share the thought of “we are man first.”
Hugs o/
June 19, 2010 at 11:50 am
Guess you just have to decide which part of the gay community’s gay uniform you’re gonna don and work it! The term ‘looking gay’ has different connotations in the straight world and most of the gay community these days are mainstreamed into the rest of society so we pretty much blend in with the other metrosexual men. ;D
June 19, 2010 at 12:27 pm
I see New York has loosened your inhibitions. Good for you (us!). But as a Graphic Designer that I am, I can tell you that the picture on the left would have a better composition if your briefs were 6 to 8 inches lower, depending on your enhancement… Trust me.
June 19, 2010 at 2:00 pm
I love this! I currently live in Southeastern Oklahoma, one of the most close-minded places I’ve found. When asked my style, I simply respond “Stereotypically gay.” So the combination of my style and location draws looks. And not just looks of curiosity at my iridescent rainbow “Can’t Think Straight” slim fit T. But, looks of disgust and horror. I’m proud.
So I shudder to think that my brethren in more open and liberal minded states still shy away from “looking gay.” I dress for me and no one else. If the stereotypical gay look works for you, rock it! If painter’s pants and matching t-shirts and skater shoes are more your style. Then by all means, I love it. 
June 19, 2010 at 2:28 pm
Honestly Davey Wavey,
When I first read your headline and saw the picture in your blog with the question “Do I Look Gay”, the first thought that ran through my head was “No”, and the reason was that you looked like an attractive young man with a greatly developed muscular body that was toned and fit and well groomed; your sexuality’s gender preference wasn’t evident – you could be attractive to both men and women who like your aesthetic appearance.
While reading the blog further, I agreed that there were stereotypes that have mostly been attributed to the media, be it magazines, movies, television, situation comedies and newspaper articles.
These stereotypes when asking “Do I look gay?”, often refer to the negative aspects of being “over the top” that has been the focus of a lot of homophobic individuals. I’m not happy with the situation that people are judged by mainstream media guidelines first and as individuals second after they’ve passed a preliminary screening to see if they’re good enough to talk to or even look at twice.
With that, I can say, “Davey Wavey – you look great, what does gay have to do with it?”
Cheers!
June 19, 2010 at 2:39 pm
hey davey can’t really say you look gay, but you do look damn hot…..just sayin
June 19, 2010 at 8:01 pm
I really liked this post. Looking great as always
June 19, 2010 at 8:30 pm
Most gay guys probably do not “look gay” by their appearance alone, apart from trash-obvious dress and swish.
A man usually looks gay if, by not only appearance but also by “body language” (the subtler the better, up to a point) and other such cues to “gaydar” he looks erotically available to another guy.
Matt Maggiacomo, your studly guest recently, is eminently gay and eminently manly. He is so-o-o hot! (That smile cinches it: who can resist?) I looked for pix of him on Google Images search and found some terrifically sexy photos of him; I found some videos on a search for them, too, but they did not do justice to this gorgeous man in the way that the photos do.
Does Matt(y) Maggiacomo look gay? Not really, but, boy, am I glad that he is, for the sake of the guy(s) who hook up with him! And, he certainly does NOT look off-putting to a gay man. He’s available and it does not take great effort to tell that, even if he also is so affably virile looking.
Pax, Jerry Parker
June 20, 2010 at 1:49 am
In all fairness, looking gay isn’t so much a problem when you look like you do, or Mitch does. It’s hard for me not to resent you both a little for it.
June 20, 2010 at 9:32 am
This was beautiful.
June 20, 2010 at 12:58 pm
I’m proud of who I am and if I look gay, I’m proud of that also!!!!
June 21, 2010 at 12:17 am
I ask myself this question every morning before leaving the house, and then I tell myself, “F*ck it! It’s my life!” And now I couldn’t be anymore happier with my appearance.
June 21, 2010 at 5:01 am
And you dont look a bit gay expete the shave side
June 21, 2010 at 5:01 am
expect
June 21, 2010 at 1:07 pm
My friend I agree we all are different. I hate labels but what else we going to do. Gays are as diverse as the colors of the rainbow.
June 21, 2010 at 7:33 pm
You don’t look gay…you look HOT!!!!!
June 21, 2010 at 8:22 pm
Hey!…
I’m proud to say that I am a GAY…
and you Davey you do not look a gay, you’re hot man and sexy…like you’re also delicious…
June 21, 2010 at 8:22 pm
Beautiful blog…
June 24, 2010 at 4:21 am
If a man or woman walks past and they are really hot they are most likly gay… all the hot/nice ones are gay -sigh-
June 25, 2010 at 3:53 pm
You look like a kind, communicative, healthy man before look like gay!
Kisses from France
June 28, 2010 at 1:58 am
I have a friend who asked me recently, “How do you act ‘lesbian’? Guys can act gay, but how do girls do it?” This is a similar thing, and my response is pretty much the same: you don’t act/look gay, you act/look camp; that’s what people interpret as gay.
July 9, 2010 at 1:10 pm
No. You don’t look gay.. You look gorgeous!!! You have a brasilian fan (that’s me!!!)
August 31, 2010 at 11:01 am
Being gay is not bad as long as your not stepping someone’s dignity just to be on the top well then if you’re not that type,well you should be proud of yourself that you’re gay.
September 9, 2010 at 11:27 pm
hmmmmm….. it’s a compliment. I’d rather look ‘gay’ than look like i just “got ‘er done”! Ignorance is at it’s best when it’s well blindfolded!!! I LOOK GAY ‘CAUSE I AM AND I”M FANTASTIC!!!!!
November 8, 2010 at 8:09 am
This is totally and completely true. I am a 16year old gay teen. When I came out to most of my friends they say “But you don’t look gay” I looked at them like (… What the f***?) ad responded, How does a gay man look? Most of them don’t have an answer for it, but some have followed the most retarded steriotype that a gay man dresses like a fruitloop, as was said to me.
LOOKS CAN BE DECIEVING PEOPLE!!
You can look gay without knowing it, I can look straight (as I’ve been told I do) without knowin it. steriotypes.. Who invented em, pssh.
November 8, 2010 at 8:10 am
And BTW, you look hot in those pics
(You normally do but, ehh.)
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