Switching gears from yesterday’s birthday celebrations (thank you, everyone, for the warm wishes), let’s turn the focus on something far more important: Coming out. Having been out of the closet to family and friends for nearly a decade, I know a thing or two about how NOT to do it.
These are my best tips for things NOT to do:
- DON’T come out during a fight. While there may never be an ideal time to come out of the closet, during a fight is definitely a time not to do it. Nonetheless, it happens a lot! If you and a family member or friend are already in a negative space, don’t use your sexuality as a weapon. Wait until things are calmer and quieter.
- DON’T tell them that you have a boyfriend. Coming out is one thing. Disclosing a boyfriend or partner is another. Parents sometimes try to assign blame for your sexuality; it’s not right, just or wise to blame someone for your gayness, but it’s often one of the first (and most ignorant) reactions by parents or relatives. If you disclose your sexuality AND that you are in relationship, you’ve just created an easy target for that blame. Give it a few days or weeks or months.
- DON’T do it alone. Coming out to someone is an intensely personal and often vulnerable experience – but you don’t need to do it entirely alone. It’s important to build a support system for yourself. I first came out to my close friends and gradually widened my circle. By the time I came out to my family, I had a well established safety net of support – just in case things didn’t go well. Lean on your friends or find support online or over the phone.
- DON’T hit and run. After coming out, there is often a tendency to never talk about it again. Parents may not know how to talk about it – or else, they could be in a stage of denial. Don’t fall into this trap; talking about your sexuality is one of the best ways for you, your friends and your family to grow more comfortable with it. It’s going to be hard at first – but trust me, it’s worth the initial awkwardness.
- DON’T take responsibility for how people react. My coming out experiences have been 99% positive, but there have been a few unexpected and negative reactions. It’s important not to internalize those reactions. How people react to your disclosure says a lot about them and where they are at in their journey – and nothing about you.
- DON’T come out to family members as a group. When you come out, people may have a lot of questions – and they may react very emotionally. I think it’s best to keep the coming out process one-on-one with those people that play a big role in your life.
- DON’T assume that people won’t change. They often will. Opinions and perspectives often shift over time – and an initial negative reaction by family or friends doesn’t mean that things will always be that way. Your coming out may be an opportunity for the people in your life to grow and evolve. It takes time, but don’t assume that people will never come around. My dad, for example, has grown 10,000% in his perspective of gay people since I came out 10 years ago. It happens.
Always remember that each situation is different, and that not all of these tips will apply to your individual situation. If they make sense for you, use them!
And if the out-and-proud ‘mos in the house have any additional tips for things NOT to do, please leave a response in the comments.
July 13, 2010 at 6:51 am
Would just like to point out that you said “Ho” instead of “How” in number 5, about 3 or 4 lines down
Also, Great work, love it as usual
July 13, 2010 at 7:06 am
So many good ideas on youre page as always! Just wanted to tell you about how one of my friends came out of the closet. On a postcard from Miami Beach…. “I did remember to tell you I`m gay before I left right?” lol I still have the postcard up on the wall. That happend 10 years ago.
July 13, 2010 at 7:31 am
Don’t come out in the middle of your fathers 50th birthday celebration or your cousins wedding. Do it when the people you’re coming out to are not in the middle of major events (happy or unhappy ones) and have time and “space” in their heads to deal with what you just said. It may be tempting to drop a bombshell and run for it while everyone is too busy to do anything about it but it will just cause a bad reaction (it also screams “attention stealing Drama Queen in the house”).
July 13, 2010 at 7:34 am
I like the gradual step-by-step approach- building up a circle of support. I did not have to come out, my father accepted my boyfriend as enough evidence and was as courteous as usual. Sex being private he never said a word about it. When my younger very heterosexual brother was -after a long courtship he enjoyed, asked by an older neighbour to have sex with him – he took refuge to me not to my father for advice. My mom was asking me -why are they not talking to each other anymore? They NEVER saw sex lurking in the back! They were so innocent. They were never worried about boys but their daughters o-la-la they freeked out for anything.
But that was 40 years ago. Totally irrelevant now.
July 13, 2010 at 7:35 am
think i am stuck at “DON’T hit and run”… will try to chance that within the next days
July 13, 2010 at 7:35 am
Tell the more open minded parent first. For me (and many people) that was my mom. But you can never know for sure how someone will react.
July 13, 2010 at 7:39 am
Hey dave im a follower of your fb and twitter and all your blogs youre genius and i consider you a cleaver anyway with this blog it helps not only for me but also for a close friend of mine who is having a difficulty to out now. X x
July 13, 2010 at 7:44 am
There is the initial ‘coming out’ and then there is the day to day interactions with people you may not know you are gay. Your title should be changed to clarify that.
I never went through a formal coming out – eventually I ran into my brother out and about with my boyfriend. That was pretty much it from a family perspective. And its never been discussed again. My boyfriends over the years have been welcomed at the table as my brothers girlfriends wives have been. That’s just how we operate. But I have lost many friends over the years as I became more open – but for none of the reasons you state.
On a day to day basis I find number 2 is the one that I use the most. As in “So you are you married?” and my response usually falls along the lines of “my boyfriend might have a problem with that or not in this state”. If you are going to answer the question – I’m going to answer it honestly.
July 13, 2010 at 8:00 am
Davey, I too, think you and your blogs are GENIUS! I wanted to Thank you for posting this one and ask that if you can revise it with any pertinent corrections and/or additions and email it to me, I can use it in many instances while meeting and being in contact with persons who are “Questioning” how to go about it? By supporting one another in this manner, it truly shows that even if we are NOT directly connected through friendships or Family (No Pun), we can still support those who are challenged with this important task in our lives.
July 13, 2010 at 8:44 am
Don’t come out when in a car. Especially if you aren’t the one driving.
Don’t come out at the dinner table during a big holiday.
July 13, 2010 at 8:48 am
Don’t do it when your drunk.
Don’t get mad when straight friends say slightly offensive things. For instance, I don’t like when people use “gay” to mean stupid but if I can’t blow up at my friends every time they say that. Pick your battles. If they slip, it doesn’t mean they hate gays. it’s just what they’re used to.
With that said, that’s exactly how I came out to the first few people. I always picked the person I would tell next and then waited till we were tipsy and alone at a party. I have had 0 negative reactions despite going to a negative college. So I guess my advice is if you need a little liquid courage at least pick who you’re going to tell first.
I love the idea of building a support system. I came out to a one person at a time for about the first 6 people. I told each of them to keep it quiet but at certain point you reach critical mass and that’s not realistic, especially on a college campus. After I moved to D.C. it was nice not to “come out” but just be out. At my new job when they asked what I was doing on the weekend I just say “going to do X with my boyfriend.” I’m not coming out anymore!
I definitely would like to echo the “DON’T hit and run” point. Either when I came out or the next day I always asked the person I just told if they needed to talk. Coming out isn’t just about you it’s about relationships and it’s a horrible idea to just keep it in the background.
July 13, 2010 at 8:50 am
OOOOOh that’s a good one! Thanks.
July 13, 2010 at 8:50 am
I wrote “negative” college instead of “Catholic” college…paging Dr. Freud!
July 13, 2010 at 9:45 am
It wasn’t easy telling my family that I’m gay. I made my carefully worded announcement at Thanksgiving……I said, “Mom, would you please pass the gravy to a homosexual?” She passed it to my father. A terrible scene followed.
July 13, 2010 at 10:01 am
hey, that’s a very nice good
thanks
you would like to go to Asia? What do you about Hong Kong
July 13, 2010 at 10:02 am
hey, that’s a very nice good
thanks
you would like to go to Asia? What do you think about Hong Kong
July 13, 2010 at 10:12 am
I did it very gradually, too, starting with close friends and slowly widening that circle over the course of about a year to make sure I had a sturdy support base. My parents are Mormon, so I wanted to be very sure.
I finally told them a couple days after Christmas so they’d have the rest of the break to process. That was 7 mos. ago now and things aren’t perfect, but so far pretty good.
July 13, 2010 at 10:23 am
Could we add “Don’t come out on Facebook or Myspace!” to that list? I made that mistake.
Family was uh… Not pleased. It’s best to try to soften the blow, and some people don’t care one way or the other.
July 13, 2010 at 10:27 am
My friends are way too homophobic for me to have come out to them first. However, my family is very accepting of all people so that’s where I go to build my safety network. Doesn’t help to live in Texas though.
July 13, 2010 at 11:04 am
There are some people you don’t need to bother coming out to. Some people just don’t care. You know who they are. I didn’t ever come out to my grandmother, though I’m sure she figured it out, because she wasn’t comfortable talking about sex. I didn’t come out to my father because he left the family when I was nine, and he is an idiot. I’m sure he figured it out also but I never considered my private life any of his business. I came out when I was 19. Now I’m 56. Most people will love you the same if you give them time to grow.
July 13, 2010 at 11:09 am
Hanson, you should stay in the closet if that is your feelings, do not listen to anyone who tells you different. Also you don’t need to attend parades or campaigns, most gays don’t. Parades in general are about sex and not much. Of course in recent years these parades were forced to down play the sex and vulgarity because communities demanded it. Many gay parades got way out of hand and still to this day more about sex and showing the world they are “different”. Gay parades do very little good helping the gay community. In all truth what happens at many of these parades further pushes back mainstream acceptance of homosexuals. In fact I would argue decades. Experts thought in 1997, all states in the USA would be same-sex marriage acceptance by 2010, but the opposite has happened. This is a no brianer why this happened and only a uneducated fool would think otherwise. Hanson just be you and screw what other people think. I could give a damn what people think of me especially other gay men. Just be you and maybe a brighter time will come for gay persons everywhere, but the gay community needs to get its house in order first. grazie
July 13, 2010 at 11:10 am
Most of the gay people I know are out. . I tend toward the idea of honesty is more important than easy. I can’t imagine having a relationship without being out. That said I’m not sure I agree that most of those points work for all cases. It’s usually much more important to come out when you are dating someone rather than when you are single. Also the boyfriend can be the support, though it may not be very fun. As for the hit and run. . it’s good to give them a chance to talk, but sometimes people do need to mull things over. . have time to readjust their mental picture of you before they can talk about it. Also I’m not sure why the group thing is so bad. It doesn’t prevent talking about it separately and you may find support where you didn’t expect it. Some people hate being the last to know. And as far as people changing, that’s true, but it can work both ways. Sometimes people you didn’t think would understand or be supportive will realize that you aren’t the weird scary gay they thought gay people were or they are willing to work through it because they care about you. You do have to be prepared for both reactions but the surprises go both ways.
July 13, 2010 at 11:12 am
My parents guessed it.. Like since I was 10, watching movies.. I’d never say that “oh, she’s sexy or beautiful”, it was always “he’s attractive or handsome” of course, I’m not going to say hot or sexy. They always kinda thought I was..
My mom is accepting of most things, although she doesn’t think it’s natural or right. However, my dad hates gays.. a lot.
But.. worst way to come out.. facebook. “interested in: men” my parents don’t have a facebook, but they sure as s**t looked at mine!
They didn’t take it too bad because they sorta knew. Not the stereotypical gay though. Still got the “what’s wrong with you?” and “we’re not going to have grandkids” and “you won’t get hired anywhere” and “you can’t get married” and “you’ll get aids” and “okay, but you better be the guy” and such..
July 13, 2010 at 2:21 pm
thank you for this post, it’s very helpful for all of us that are about to do it!!! I’m thinking this pretty much, in fact I did it with a penpal friend and he didnt ever care about it, which was so great to me, So i’m pleased for the advices.
July 13, 2010 at 2:37 pm
The best piece of advice that I have to give.. is find another gay or lesbian to come out to first. Preferable one who is already out. The first person I came out to was an older lesbian, and she had so much support and advice for me I can never repay her. It wasn’t until about 5 years later that I came out to my family, once I had the support of some friends.
July 13, 2010 at 3:00 pm
i agree. come out to a gay person that you know in your network of friends and relatives. they understand what its like to come out of the closet. they even may know how best to approach your parents or friends. these people also know how to keep a secret. they understand that this information is very personal.
love you davey! you have helpped me so very much!
July 13, 2010 at 3:41 pm
Thank you for a go
July 13, 2010 at 3:47 pm
coming out to one person at a time, in my family, is gonna be impossible. haha the level of gossip and chit-chat makes privacy impossible. I’m out to my friends, all of them -even the christian bigots. haha Now it’s time for my family, and I’m wanting to wait until I can afford to move-out of the house –just in case my dad doesn’t take it well. No fear, just… careful planning. haha
July 13, 2010 at 4:13 pm
Thank you for a good post, Davey
I totally agree with Davide. Everyone is different and we have our own way to come out.
I am now still in the closet, but out to only few friends who are gay. I am totally out on the internet and there is just only place that I can be myself. I am so proud of who I am. However, I know my family and most of people in my society can’t accept homosexuality. I try my best living happily in the closet. I am willing to do it rather than let ‘s my parents and my family feel uncomfortable and unhappy.
Thank you everyone for sharing.
July 13, 2010 at 5:43 pm
Nice conversation. I plan to come out to my conservative, christian parents once I leave home. Part of me is looking foward to no longer having the secret, but it will be messy. I’ve already told a small group of friends.
July 13, 2010 at 7:08 pm
Someone once said to me “if people react negatively, it’s a reflection on them, not you”.
My mother and I have always had a very close relationship. However, she hit me with “I will always love you, but I will never accept you”. Years later, she still won’t discuss my sexuality or even attempt to accept that part of me.
July 13, 2010 at 9:22 pm
That’s the best coming out advice I’ve ever seen and I think anyone in the closet should pay really close attention to it.
I of course did it completely differently (and not well) but that was another day and another age. The social mood has generally improved since coming out was an issue for me.
Actually though, if you are gay and don’t send out obvious signals, the coming out process never ends. If you’re an adult it’s best to alert new friends and acquaintances (when appropriate) to your status as soon as possible. Peeps get upset and confused when they’ve mentally assigned you to the straight box and it turns out they were wrong. Especially females if you’re a male and they’re looking for a mate.
Great advice though.
July 13, 2010 at 11:14 pm
I think there are some caviats to number 2. For me, I felt telling my mom and dad that I had a boyfriend was the most honest thing. The rule probably only applies narrowly to people coming out as gay rather than one of the many other things that people could potentially feel inside. I didn’t really want to come out as bi because I wasn’t sure if it described me and there is a greater stigma against coming out as bi than gay these days because everyone thinks you are lying. This was the only way for me to be simple and honest. On the other hand, I knew with 100% certainty ever since I was a teenager that both of my parents would react well to the news.
July 13, 2010 at 11:39 pm
@Hanson
Your theory is basically, don’t have a real life, have a fake life. Unfortunately, you don’t get to have a fake like, you get to have a real life, the life you were given, or no life at all — a life of sneaking around pretending you’re something you’re not and trying to get some satisfaction in the dark.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging you. I understand that in the business world, it’s much easier to present a sex-neutral position (as it should be, because business is business, and personal is personal). But if you present as heterosexual when you are sucking c**k at glory holes on the weekend, you have to constantly lie to your coworkers about your personal life. People in business are always asking what you do in your free time, about your family and your personal life. Even business people want to relate to you as a person, not just as someone on the other side of a deal. It’s how trust is built. You can pretend to not have a personal life for many years but eventually people will figure it out. And they will gossip about you, quietly, behind your back. You will become a ghost. I’ve seen it happen many times.
You may run into a glass ceiling at work if you are gay in a traditional industry. But at least you will have a life. If you stay in the closet your entire career, you may make it to the top but eventually you will be outed and the respect you craved will disappear. Malcolm Forbes and Harvey Weinstein come to mind.
Other than career opportunities, why would you care if anyone knows you are gay? You say you’re not ashamed of being gay. What other reason could there be? Fear? I say shame on those who think gays are lesser people. Shame on those who think women are lesser people. Shame on those who think people of color are lesser people. Shame on those who think Catholics or Muslims or Italians are lesser people. Don’t let shame or fear ruin your life.
As for “sitting back and enjoying your luxurious life as a ‘heterosexual’ man until a brighter time comes in the future,” you will not have earned a brighter future and do not deserve it, and honestly, you will not have it. There is no future, there is only now. You either live now or you don’t live at all.
I hope you change your mind.
July 14, 2010 at 3:46 am
Who would think an Italian is lessor people?
July 14, 2010 at 6:41 am
People can change…ahhh yes…I keep forgetting that one. Thanks for reminding me. Helps me enter into things with a bit more compassion.
July 14, 2010 at 6:52 am
These are wise recommendations and i wish I had known about them when i came out to my parents. I did it all wrong in that i violated your first rule – i came out during a fight which was a huge mistake
July 14, 2010 at 9:57 am
Good advice Davey
July 14, 2010 at 10:32 am
Davey, great advice. Thanks!
July 14, 2010 at 10:34 am
DONT FORGET THE DAY !!
choose a day time and place that you will never forget as this is the celebration of your new life. Freedom to think,feel,love, and just be,are a powerful wonderful thing.
As many have already said choosing a time and place that belongs to others (in their mind) might be taken as steeling their thunder !
We have enough(happy)thunder of our own to create.
July 14, 2010 at 3:17 pm
That’s an interesting point about mentioning a boyfriend. When I came out, I sent my parents a letter and they drove down to my college to meet me. At the time I hadn’t had a boyfriend (or had sex, which I think was implied when we were talking about it) and my dad was surprised. He thought I had just done something with somebody turned me gay but when he found out I didn’t I feel like that actually made him have less of a counter-attack.
I do think it’s good to ultimately be honest, since that’s the point of coming out. If they ask if you have a boyfriend and you do, I think it’s better to tell them the truth like someone else said.
July 18, 2010 at 9:48 am
Yes! The step by step is valuable. Especially not telling them you have a girlfriend when you come out. Wish I had thought of that, because people _did_ blame her.
July 20, 2010 at 5:25 pm
I just have to say thank you, I’m an on and off reader of your blog and this one really hit home, I actually thought of all these scenarios and came to the same conclusions but it just consoling to hear others with the same logic… basically before I start to ramble on, I want to say thank you! I’m still in the closet with my family but my circle is growing slowly but surely.
July 23, 2010 at 12:12 pm
if only things could be easier… i’m 28, never hidden my sexuality, but still people didnt get it… thanks to all my friends for the support, but i dont see room to speak up with my family!
August 8, 2010 at 6:17 am
My mistake was coming out and then saying nothing about it after that. Right now I am coming out of the closet again after 15 years because after I told my friends and family, I went into a shell where I stayed at home and did not socialize. Scared of taking the next step where I could REALLY have potential of making mistakes hehe. Now I am moving forward again. It is scary, but I do not intend to wind up sad at the end of my life because I never tried.
November 30, 2010 at 5:03 pm
First off, I want to say thank you for taking your time to make this acne blog, your helping many people. Thanks!
April 23, 2011 at 3:17 pm
Your blog has made me think about an subject from another angle. This is quite rare when I change my opinion about such issues but it looks that you’ve done it. The day has started with something new! Thank you!
August 15, 2011 at 9:43 pm
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