In person, I tend to be fairly pleasant in my interactions with others.
I smile, laugh and converse with anyone that engages me. I do this because, in my heart of hearts, I love and honor all beings.
However, it appears that something gets lost in translation. And my friendliness is often mistaken for a willingness to have sex. Recently, some of those mis-communications have become fairly intense and even frightening. So today, I’m clearing things up: Just because I’m nice, doesn’t mean that I want to bone.
More than once, I’ve heard gay men complain about bitchy, obnoxious pretty guys that “don’t think their s**t stinks.” I’m not putting myself in the league of pretty people. But now I wonder, are these pretty boys actually stuck up, or are they just trying to fend off potential unwanted sexual advances coming their way? Perhaps it’s a somewhat necessary but misguided mechanism of defense.
Of course, in operating under this presumption, pretty guys run the risking of mistaking genuine, well-intentioned gestures of friendship or conversation for carnal aggression. The underlying belief here is that anyone who turns their attention your way is looking to get a piece.
Perhaps both the predator and prey can learn from the assumptions of the other. It’s equally to imprudent to misinterpret pleasantness for sexual willingness as it is to assume that everyone wants a piece of your deary-aire. And that there is a casual relationship between the two suppositions.
At the risk of creating a Sarah Palin-ism, it’s the quiet and patient hunter that makes the kill.
July 28, 2009 at 12:52 pm
I thin it’s a great discussion (except for the few bitchy posts by people who clearly should have stopped reading and watching Davey since they can’t respect him, but are sick enough that they prefer to keep reading and insulting him).
I can absolutely understand that (a) you want to be nice, (b) you have a successful persona, related to your fitness work as well as your “life coach” posts, that make it relevant to appear as you do, but (c) that doesn’t mean you’re sexually available.
In a perfect world, you shouldn’t have to wear a shirt and frown to declare that you’re not putting out with strangers. Think of beaches in summer resorts: is everyone who goes to the beach in their swimsuits, and smiles because it’s a gorgeous day, trying to sleep with other sunbathers? Some are, but clearly not all.
From the other side of the fence, it’s a little more complicated than I’ve seen described in the thread so far. I’m 57, and I have a lot of younger friends — in part because of the demographics of my work environment, in part because I am very into social networks, texting, Twitter, etc., which puts me closer to the younger crowd than to my own generation, and in part because I work on the Board a my alma mater’s LGBT alumni club, most of whose members are recent alums. When I meet, professionally or socially, a new guy who’s attractive, I have two conflicting thoughts crossing my mind: one is the fantasy that something sexual could happen, the other is the realization that it is not going to, and that it’s even inappropriate to have had the first thought. These two thoughts battle each other for a while — weeks, sometimes months — until they get resolved and the friendship (or simply the collaboration, in a purely professional context) matures while the fantasy subsides and I can just smile at myself for the fact it happened at all.
I am sane and responsible enough that I can avoid making unwelcome or inappropriate comments or gestures during the early, conflicted part of my relationship with my new acquaintance or friend. And this has happened enough times over the years that I can recognize the signs and work out the pattern in my head and be conscious of the process that’s going on, which helps me handle the conflict without tearing myself apart over it.
So what I would tell you, Davey, is this: people who try to sleep with you, or suggest it, are out of line, and you clearly need to bring them back in line. On the other hand, recognize that it is not uncommon or surprising that this happens. You might even be able to say “I understand that you can have this fantasy, but I hope you can grow out of it because otherwise I have to push you away since you’re giving me the wrong kind of attention.” Or something similar in your own words, and we all know how well you can express yourself. If they can take that understanding as a consolation and it helps them move to a better attitude, then fine, and if it doesn’t, then it’s time to put a real barrier, such as not returning calls or not accepting to have another coffee, etc.
Peace… even to the jealous critics.
Claude
July 28, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Claude: You’re Spot-on! ___davvi
July 28, 2009 at 2:27 pm
OK as an older gay guy i have to say I am a friendly guy I enjoy a conversation with everyone. But it seem that when i start talking to a guy younger than me they feel i am trying to pick them up which is never the case since my type is my age or older. It get back to the attitude that the young guys think we are just dirty old men and to me that is stereo typing I have no interest in boning someone who is 20-30 year younger and why most guy think that is if someone is interested in talking that is a sign of interest well maybe if gay men change there attitude and stop being sluts,not all gay men are slut and not all are looking for just a f**k . What ever happen to having a relationship with someone.Has that gone out with my generation. and how do we expect the straight world to accept us if we have the attitude to bone the first person we see Just a thought
August 21, 2009 at 8:56 am
There you go, Jim.
Join the 35+ club… which Davey is discussing in another topic (“is 35 the new 18″), to which I added: pls give me yr thoughts about: could we be on the brink of: “is 60 the new 35″? I turned 60 this year and feel great in every sense of the word. And I’m not a dirty old man. It’s often the 18-20 ones that try to play dirty tricks on me, ha ha.
July 28, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Dearest Davey Wavey,
I understand;
I love you just as much as I did before!
Love, Joey
July 29, 2009 at 1:44 am
I loved what Cal wrote. When you do find an appealing guy now identified as gay you suddenly want to immediately jump to the next level which is sexual. In your mind I guess you must catch yourself doing it and realize that he isn’t sexually into every guy he meets nor should you be. Sex may come in time or just friendship. Give everyone a chance.
seanmagic1964@yahoo.com
July 29, 2009 at 2:06 am
this is so true.. Im going to use some of the words from this post… somewhere else.. i hope u don’t mind.. No not the whole article…
thank you..
July 29, 2009 at 5:46 am
I’ve had really bad problems before with this, luckily though I am straight and women do tend to be less “roused” than men but even considering that within a fairly broad range of friends who are straight males I’ve never met any who seem to have this problem in the least. In my experience the vast majority of those guys who we deem as “good looking” (based solely on conventions) are generally far to testosterone fulled and, I have to say, really quite arrogant when it comes to women that they just don’t care. I would not describe myself as overly handsome, I may be alright but I certainly wouldn’t be winning Mr. Universe any time soon, I do, however, hold very typically gay ideals. I’m certainly very camp, hell that’s the only reason I’m such a regular visiter to the blog, and I’ve never had problems should I ever wish to enter a relationship (sorry if I sound like I’m up my own hole, I’m really not, honest
)and generally much more fulfilling and close ones than the vast majority of all those “pretty boys” I know. So if you do, by some extraordinary off chance, happen to be a single, lonely, herto male looking for a relationship and, conveinientally, reading the 80th-ish comment on davey’s vlog I strongly recommend stopping any silly and dangerous weight loss treatments, quickly returning the studded leather jacket and stop dropping words like “wicked” and “totally awesome” into everyday sentences and just sit back and smile from ear to ear. Then things will sort themselves out quick enough.
( I’m very sorry if I’ve just rambled off the point after the first few lines which i probably have but if you think that there’s some underlying truth which bears complete relevance to the topic let’s just be nice and assume that it’s there for a reason, after all people say I was born sixty and I think by this stage, based on that, that the alzhiemhers has probably well and truly set in by now
)
July 29, 2009 at 12:12 pm
This one hits close to home.
I’m now over 50. I’ve never been pretty, though I’ve often been called “ruggedly handsome” and have my share of pleasant sexual encounters. Nevertheless, I know I’m not particularly attractive (certainly not anymore), and certainly not to younger men (those in their 20s, let us say). I don’t interpret friendliness — the kind that Davey portrays on his blog and in his real life — to be “interest” of the kind about which he is complaining. These days it takes OVERT invitations for me to make that step; that rarely happens. When that’s not there, I just interpret the friendliness and someone being kind or engaging or naturally an extravert, and enjoy the interaction even though I know it won’t develop into anything.
Oh, and that “overt invitation” would have been be more than a hug… it would have to be spoken words like: “I’m interested in having sex with you.” I haven’t heard those words in months.
July 29, 2009 at 5:56 pm
do people actually just say “I’m interested in having sex with you”? I thought people are always discreet about it. From what I’ve experienced, besides the online thing, people usually act straight first, and they would somehow watch straight porn with me, and they would also somehow figure out I’m gay, then they would ask, “Do you wanna suck my dick” or “Have you ever done it with a guy”
Anyway, if people do actually say “I’m interested in having sex with you”, then I’m interested in having sex with you, or any other person who’ll view my reply. Sorry, I guess I’m just a little slutty… I’m 18, Asian, live in CA, reach me at usa_19912005@yahoo.com.tw
Don’t misundersdand me, I’m not trying to use this as a sex blog (maybe just a tiny bit), I was just inspired by sean (from Columbus)’s common on July 29, 3:50 pm
August 21, 2009 at 9:06 am
I hadn’t heard those overt words in many years… till last weekend. The guy is not “attractive” in the sense that he has the looks of a Greek god, but I’m attracted to him in more than 1 way, period.
And he’s older than me, me being 60. I’m on cloud nine, but it’s light years away from the cloud nine’s in my twenties or thirties. It’s very nice to have discovred this new type of cloud nine.
July 29, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Someone, please get Davey a “spell check” function! And, see if they’ll throw in a grammar check, while they’re at it.
July 29, 2009 at 3:50 pm
I really like what Jim Martin Sr, July 28th 2:27 pm and David, July 29th 12:12pm wrote. I am over 40 and having sex with a younger guy is appealing. However, when we get out of bed we have nothing in common. I like a mature older guy who is financially secure, mature, experience and got his s–t together. I’ll take him anyday. Love to hear from Jim or David. seanmagic1964@yahoo.com.
August 21, 2009 at 9:13 am
Hope u don’t mind me replying, Sean.
I totally agree with you and on also on what Jim and David wrote. Today I have added several comments throughout this topic, hope u can find them and read some good in them.
Let’s keep this conversation going, as far as I’m cencerned.
I’m more than curious to learn about the probable differences between the America’s, Canada and Europe (me being Dutch) on the age difference in the gay community.
July 29, 2009 at 9:17 pm
i was once being friendly to one of my gay friends at school, and he thought i wanted to have sex with him…lol
Love Andrew
July 31, 2009 at 9:57 pm
That’s very true, when I did the bar scene, you saw a lot of that.
I just wanted to meet other Gay people, but the guys thought it was a pick up.
I guess that’s why most of my Gay friends a lesbians.
August 2, 2009 at 4:09 am
i know what you mean i get asked out daily at krogers by guys and im not even gay i am nice and kind because im kind hearted to all. but to be honest i am done with sex for awhile its done nothing but ruined my life and i want a heart filled relationship without the need of sexual satisfaction until both halfs of the whole relationship have agreed to it, i wont put up with no “well you wont sleep with me and that means you dont love me” that is bull and only saying that person is in this for one thing and thats sex
August 6, 2009 at 7:34 pm
What if humility is the most attractive characteristic in ourselves and others?
August 6, 2009 at 8:09 pm
I am kind and pleasant to my surroundings, friends and family. I totally agree that it does not mean i wanna get them in my bed! I think some people appriciate their world more than others, and some people express their opinions and feelings in maybe more noticable ways? I think people need to take control and understand that being nice is part of someones personality, not a scheme to f**k you!
Love and Peace
Jack
August 17, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Just looking through previous posts and after reading some comments, I have to say some people are a little full of themselves saying stuff like “when pretty people bla bla bla”. Not really sure who you think you are to start classifying yourself as pretty and others as ugly and all that. I have to say I’ve noticed gay guys are a lot more shallow and vane i.e. placing more emphasis on looks than straight people.
August 21, 2009 at 9:19 am
Agree.
Same thing as with the words ‘overweight’ and ‘ill-kept’ popping up whenever older age comes into the conversation. I see ill-kept, overweight and unattractive gay youngsters every day.
So what’s new?
August 21, 2009 at 8:38 am
This is turning into a sex promotion site, check out my new blog (it b=not great at the moment) @ iami-youareyou.blogspot.com.
Love and Peace
Jack
August 21, 2009 at 9:23 am
I don’t agree with you here, Jack. I’ll check out your blog later, ok?
Have u read my comment to yr ‘coming out’ question earlier in this topic?
August 21, 2009 at 9:28 am
Yh i did thanx
Love and Peace
Jack
April 21, 2011 at 5:43 am
Too many people think in their minds that people want them. I find in gay life young people think that everyone wants them. This is so not true. For me Davey is not my type and I do not find him attractive. I would not want to have sex with him.
April 21, 2011 at 5:45 am
Good God be glad that someone finds you attractive enough to want to have sex with you. Stop complaining.
April 21, 2011 at 5:48 am
Not everyone would want in Daveys pants. There are many more manly men in the universe.
April 21, 2011 at 5:50 am
I agree
April 21, 2011 at 5:51 am
I don’t think that Davey is hot. He looks like an overdeveloped boy child.
April 21, 2011 at 5:53 am
so true. Some people think that everyone wants them. Truth is no one want them. LOL
April 21, 2011 at 5:57 am
The day will come for all of us that we will be glad just to have someone say hello.
April 21, 2011 at 6:01 am
And how would you know since you think that everyone wants you. I have been reading these posts from the beginning. Lately I think Davey has his nose up at everyone but himself. Even his faith system has become a conflict of terms. Everyone does not find Davey that attractive.
April 21, 2011 at 6:03 am
I doubt that there a many, if any.
April 21, 2011 at 6:06 am
Another good word. Be careful we all age. In the gay world we all get a shot at being lonley. Your time will come also.
April 21, 2011 at 6:09 am
no one would read the blog. Davey is not in a committed relationship. He has said many times that he believes in open relationships. So what is the big deal. NOT EVERYONE FINDS DAVEY ATTRACTIVE!
April 21, 2011 at 6:19 am
Davey which is it. We should smile and try to be nice to others or turn our heads in fear that they think so much of themselves that they think we want to have sex with them. Perhaps this idea is just in your head. Over the past month you have been headed in the I HATE SEX PATH Whats up with you.
January 15, 2012 at 8:37 am
Davey,
I am one of your straight fans and I watch all your vids. Love them. I really liked your article (although I am commenting late to the party) but I am trying to figure out how to apply it to hot women. I am a macho looking guy not really pretty but kinda rugged. Only a certain kind of chick likes me but I find when I am being friendly over social media or in person to hot women (just because I want a friend or am being nice), sometimes they will give me rejection signals and it gives me the shits – because I wasn’t after sex or a RS, only being genuinely friendly or seeking info on something. Some of these hotties shouldn’t flatter themselves. Maybe I should wear a sign saying “Don’t worry, not trying to pick you up – I’m married.”. Have you heard of the Player pick up artist scene (PUA)? It is social engineering designed to pick up hot women and at first I thought it was chauvinist but now I think those kind of women deserve to be picked up and used by the PUA for their shallowness. Any advice for guys like me Davey?