For nearly a year, my boyfriend and I have been dabbling in the unfamiliar – and quite frankly bizarre – world of monogamy. We wanted to see what the fuss was all about.
My monogamy experiment has been interesting, but old habits do die hard and I often find myself checking things out on Grindr. Even though I have a boyfriend, I’m still looking for something: Excitement. The thrill of seeing what’s available. And though push doesn’t seems to come to shove, it’s a little zap of sexual adventure in my life.
And so I’m quite perplexed by the phenomenon of guys claiming to be “looking for nothing.” The phrase doesn’t even make sense. If there’s nothing to be looking for, why are you looking? It’s most common with partnered guys: “Have BF. Not looking for anything.” Why then, kind sir, are you online?
Be real. You are looking for something. You don’t download, install and setup an application like Grindr or an online dating profile without motivation. Keep it real – you’re not fooling anyone, and honesty is a stronger foundation for whatever connections you’re going to make.
So, here’s what I’m thinking: I’d like to make a YouTube video about online etiquette – because Lord knows it’s a whole new ball game. But I want your help. In the comments below, share your rants, raves or tips about online etiquette… and I’ll use some of my favorites for the video’s inspiration! So… go ahead and sound off in the comments!
December 9, 2010 at 11:24 pm
so if someone is old enought to be your grandfather they shouldnt even be on grinder? They should know they are so unworthy that they shouldnt take up vaulable cyber space in the first place.?
December 10, 2010 at 1:17 am
If someone has “sexy” or “hot” as part of their screen name, I know they FUGLY!! Especially when they don’t have a face pix.
December 10, 2010 at 1:18 am
Of course you’re allowed to use dating sites above a certain age! Why shouldn’t you? Just do not expect to be socially compatible with EVERYBODY. I’m not socially compatible with everybody, so why should there be any difference in that just by being older/younger?
December 10, 2010 at 4:58 am
Kinda random and not datey but, don’t think that just because you get a couple of DM replies on twitter that you can friend request on facebook. You will (Or me…) look like a crazy stalker person.
December 10, 2010 at 9:18 am
On the main topic: not looking for anything….
Maybe they’re just looking for some online companionship at that moment because they are feeling lonely. I have done that – not wanting “fun” time activity, just wanting a chance to type something to someone and have it come back to me to prove I can make contact with another person. Sad, maybe, but I get sad on occasion and don’t feel like waking up a friend at some ungodly hour.
As far as etiquette is concerned, I have no problem with inanities like, “Hi,” because that is the way you might greet a real person you run into anywhere. You don’t know them, they don’t know you, and you have no idea where your encounter might lead. I’ve had some pretty intense online encounters that have lead to ongoing online friendships with guys all over the globe. As people open up and make their intentions/desires known, then people can opt to continue or not. The one thing I would ask is that people be respectful of the choices people make. I’ve been treated pretty rudely at time. Perhaps if people just remember what the circumstances are and not expect any such encounter to be anything other than what it is and that people are online for various reasons and with very individual levels of comfort, things would be better. If people get really rude, I ignore them, or, if they are really nasty, I spam them .
December 10, 2010 at 1:34 pm
Good topic Davey! I do not like when someone tells me that they are ‘handsome’ or ‘good looking’… do they really have to say that? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I am sure to somebody, they are good looking but maybe not to me. I could never say I was good looking or handsome in my grinder post.
I also don’t like when they say they are here to just make friends… no hook ups. They why the hell are you here? Grinder and some of the other gay meeting apps are just for that… sex. If that is something you don’t want, don’t be on here.
I do have a husband and we enjoy the company of some other couples or single men at times who don’t have a problem with threesomes or foursomes… but don’t think you are better than me because you have not become secure enough in yourself or your relationship to be open about things. I might be married but I am not dead. My husband and I love looking at other men. Life is short and we want to enjoy every day of our lifes as well as each other.
I truly think they should make another version of Grinder for those who just want friendships and leave the normal version to many of us who just want some fun with others. To each there own but don’t make me feel bad because my hubby and I enjoy life!
Hugs to you Davey and feel better!
December 10, 2010 at 1:36 pm
Cheers mate! My hubby and I feel the same way! 10 years here…
December 12, 2010 at 12:15 pm
and don’t pretend like someone or something u’re not.. So use ur own picture .. Not someone else’s
December 13, 2010 at 6:53 am
I totally agree with this post. Being a guy that’s in a relationship I can relate.My partner is wanting to find new friends because he is located in a new area and using Grindr as his way to find them makes me want to call Bullshit!
December 17, 2010 at 10:28 am
How about “___ line up 1st” as if anyone has a line of guys begging for some one on line…
December 17, 2010 at 10:31 am
If all a guy shows is his “junk” odds are thats all he is and wants JUNK IMHO
December 17, 2010 at 10:34 am
is grinder JUST for youth or anyone with an iPhone?
December 17, 2010 at 10:45 am
I met my lunch buddy on a4a and he along with his partner are now my good friends. Totally non sexual
December 17, 2010 at 10:47 am
yes or the more common “No___, not prejudiced just my liking.”
December 21, 2010 at 4:53 am
Yes, there are hypocrites online. But there is nothing incompatible with having a profile and not wanting sex with other hot guys. You want excitement, while others (like myself) might just want affirmation of our superior good looks … nothing more. Stop imposing your homo normative box on the rest of us.
December 24, 2010 at 12:59 am
Grindr is in beta testing for Blackberry. IMO – I think apps like Grindr should be for everyone of all ages, sizes, likes, etc -but the gay community doesn’t work that way. You have to have a 28in. waist, pecs, bubble butt, perfect abs, and no baggage – among many other rules. Like it or not – the gay community with all it’s pride and flag waving is completely segregated because if you weigh 10 pounds more than you should – you’re are to be passed by. Why get to know someone who needs to lose some weight or has issues (who doesn’t by the way?) – it’s a waste of time for certain groups of gay men. They use Grindr to weed out all the uglies because we all know only the beautiful are worthy of any time and/or attention. Right?
December 24, 2010 at 1:04 am
Keep in mind that looks are everything. If you’re not an Adonis, you must not be a good friend or have a great personality or be intelligent. It’s all in the gay handbook you get when you come out – page 55 Chapter 9: “Not Fats, no Fems.” sometimes I wish I were straight.
December 24, 2010 at 1:05 am
I personally would welcome the response “Sorry, I’m just not interested.”
December 24, 2010 at 1:17 am
I agree. Davide – you don’t seem to understand what you’re doing to our community. Masculine gays are the ones who protect the twinks and nellies and flammers after leaving a club going to their cars? Are you really that full of yourself? Look up the word discrimination sometime – might come in handy. Masculine self-proclaimed adonis gods like yourself are what tear the fabric of the gay community apart. Think you’re immune to hate crimes and discrimination because you’re Davide the Masculine Gay Protector? Someday karma will catch up to you and you’ll be called f*g. I knew there were self-centered gays – but you take the cake. And frankly gays men like you disgust me.
December 24, 2010 at 1:21 am
So – be yourself – but don’t be old, ugly, fat, femmy, average, etc ,etc – right? Because we all know only the hot muscled studs are thee only people worth our time and attention. They all have the best personalities because their bodies are perfect – right? I mean, how can you be interesting or someone worth getting to know if you don’t have a six-pack and huge pecs?? So silly these gays.
December 24, 2010 at 1:36 am
It’s not about sex – it’s about discrimination within the gay community. Of course physical attraction is a big part of wanting to get to know someone – but its emphasis within the community is severe and saddening. As i posted above – you’re only worth someone’s time and attention if you are in perfect shape – because those in perfect shape also have the best personalities and qualities worth investing in – at least that’s the message I’ve seen time and time again since I came out 20 years ago. I consider myself to be a handsome guy – not in perfect shape – not with perfect pecs – no bubble butt – but I’m a good person. I’m caring – I have a great sense of humor, I have a soul, I laugh, I cry, I listen I learn and grow -however, you’ll never find anyone on Grindr looking for those qualities. Just a hot bod and an empty shell is what’s in fashion – and if you don’t fit that criteria – you’re not welcome. Gays disappoint me a lot which only saddens me. No wonder there is such a high rate of suicide among young gay men – not all of it is form bullying – it’s rejection form within our community that puts out the message that ugly, fat, femmy, queeny, non-str8 acting gays need not apply because you’re unworthy. call me a cynic but it’s all true – I see it all the time.
December 24, 2010 at 1:42 am
You’re kidding right? If not – you’ve got to be one hell of a shallow, self-centered douchebag who only regards looks as anything worth investing any time and attention to. Go ahead and continue to rip the gay community apart with your Superior good looks. Funny thing is – people like you are nothing but empty, ugly souls – if you even have one?
April 18, 2011 at 6:02 am
Hear, hear!!!
I agree with you completely, I have loads of friends all around the globe too and in fact most of them haven’t seen me naked etc. The fact that they are on a dating site doesn’t mean all they are looking for is “fun”… I mean many are don’t get me wrong, but there are some people like me or Gary above, who like to talk to a few strangers in our community from time to time, especially when you are feeling a little down!