While perusing Grindr last night, I came across a profile that read as follows: “Since no one in the gay world wants to date me, settling for a little fun.” I couldn’t help but wonder if the profile’s author was aware of the message he was generating.
An online dating profile is a virtual first impression. And as such, it’s worth examining what our first impression might be saying. In the above example, I get two impressions:
- The profile’s author is un-dateable
- The profile’s author has a low self-worth
Both of these impressions are, as I like to say, boyfriend (or hook-up) repellent. Both messages also may be untrue – but in a world of thousands and thousands of glimmering profiles, many possible mates may move right along to the next shiny object rather than spending the time to uncover the truth.
Then there are the divisive profiles. We’ve all seen, “no black guys”, “not into Asians” or “white men need not apply” on countless profiles. There are often qualifications of build, size, age or even height. Or my personal favorite, “only into straight-acting guys”, as if anyone wants a guy that is acting at all.
All of it is divisive and none of it is productive. In fact, it may be counterproductive; just think of all the men that may go running for the hills when they see such limiting qualifications – even if they measure up to whatever arbitrary standards are set. While we all have our personal preferences, there’s no need to wear them like a badge at the expense of others. And how can any of us really rule out an entire population of people based on their color, age, shape or size? It just seems limiting, doesn’t it?
As the cliche goes, put your best foot forward. You’d wear a suit to a job interview – and I think it’s similarly important to showcase your best self on an online dating profile. Yes, it’s impossible for a simple profile and picture to capture your true and unbounded essence – but try. At least a little. Pretty please.
Please share your tips, comments or reactions in the comments below. What’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to online dating profiles, whether it’s Grindr, Manhunt, Dudesnude, Craigslist, Match.com, Adam4Adam, ManJam or anything else?
August 17, 2010 at 1:32 pm
Personally.. I think it’s better if you have more of a positive outlook. While both are honest, “I like/am interested in..” comes across better than “I dislike/hate..”. I don’t know, it just seems like being picky and whiney to me. But oh well, to each their own.
And.. you have no service.
August 17, 2010 at 5:23 pm
I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to offend anyone. I know I shouldn’t discremenate, but I can’t help how I feel.
But I personally don’t enjoy overly flamboyant gay men, I never have. I think its because I still blame them for the intolerance that heterosexuals have for them. So now when people think of gay men that’s who they imagine. And those are the gay men that are mocked.
I can’t say I’m gay without people automatically assuming that I like shopping, or that I like pink and rainbows, or that I know every gay person ever born, etc. They throw me into stereotypes based on the actions of the “flamers”. I know it’s who they are and they can’t change themselves, and maybe someday I’ll grow up and change. But for now that’s how I feel. There are girly gays, manly gays, and the excessivly in your face with glowing neon rainbow hair gays. I can tolerate 2 out of 3. And I’m sure most people wouldn’t completely disagree. And also I don’t really see what murder had to do with my personal preferences…
August 17, 2010 at 5:25 pm
While it’s true that it’s better to sound positive, your only gonna hurt the guys that think they have a chance when they don’t. There’s a lot of sweet guys out there that I’ll never know about because of my preferences…maybe someday that’ll change.
I can only hope
August 17, 2010 at 6:16 pm
Mike,
I think the point is more about we are people. We may also be gay but we are all people.
Please don’t blame other gays who may be flamboyant or what you deem girly for stereotypes. They are purely the product of the misinformed or frightened.
If you are taught something is wrong or you don’t understand it you tend to grab the items that stand out the most to express your dislike or fear. So it really doesn’t matter.
What does matter is how we stand and hold ourselves. If you stop placing blame and present a different picture then stereotypes start to fade. It is only through education and our will to stand against persecution, whatever its form, that we can change minds.
Best of luck,
T
August 17, 2010 at 6:45 pm
That’s true.. But, no matter what, there’s always going to be some guys that think that they have a chance when they don’t.. Like, they may meet basic preferences (Masculine, race etc.) but that doesn’t necessarily make them attractive or a good/interesting person.. so they still wouldn’t have a chance. [I hope that made sense?]
August 17, 2010 at 7:04 pm
Lol I’m not saying that we’re not all people. I know that we are all human and nothing changes that. But stereotypes don’t fade. People still assume asains are smart, mexicans are lazy, and all gays are bottoms. At some point they’ll learn otherwise, but until then they will assume we all conform to the stereotypes. I’m bi and I’m constantly being told that I’m just greedy, or confused, or stalling. I’m not girly enough to be counted with the gays, but I’m not manly enough to be counted with the straights. And all because of stereotypes. Your not wrong about what your saying, but your not right with how you think of me. I think we’d be friends if you got to know more about me. Then we could debate things
lol
August 17, 2010 at 7:07 pm
Lol yes that made sense. Like I said, our preferences will make us miss out on some great people. That’s why if I plan to date someone I prefer to get to know them before I get to see them. But alas, by the third message I’m asked to exchange pictures…
August 17, 2010 at 7:39 pm
That’d be nearly impossible to date like that… Unless the other person was wanting to date someone the same way. I would imagine that a lot of people would run in the other direction if there was no picture exchange, unfortunately.
I must say.. I have met some great people who don’t exactly meet my preferences, and only got to know them just because I didn’t want to be mean. But there are a lot of great people that could be missed out on, unfortunately.
August 17, 2010 at 7:45 pm
Mike,
I can only respond to what I know. Here it is what you post. As for how I think of you, I bear no ill will and I place no blame.
Stereotypes can change and do. But it is up to us all to shatter the glass they are projected on. Only then can we see the person on the other side. Maybe more simply, If you don’t like it, change it. One person can impact the world.
August 17, 2010 at 7:56 pm
Guess the ending got eaten by the net. lol.
Friendship is welcome. Debate, on a good day.
T
August 17, 2010 at 9:37 pm
I am not attracted to women but that does not make me sexist. Why, then, if someone is not attracted to a certain race would that make him racist? Or, if a person is not attracted to someone of a different generation would we label him as ageist? Be kind to others and treat them as equals but don’t apologize for or feel guilty for your tastes in regard to partners. There’s no accounting for taste and that’s especially true when it comes to sex and affairs of the heart!
August 17, 2010 at 9:39 pm
Lol your not wrong, I do understand your words, but change takes time and a lot
Of effort that most people aren’t willing to apply. I wait for the day that everyone can be who they are and be excepted at the same time
August 17, 2010 at 9:41 pm
Lol I think I worded my reply wrong. What I meant to say is that I prefer to know someone before seeing them that way I can love with my heart and not my eyes. I can get passed the outter when the inside is worth it
August 18, 2010 at 12:48 am
It was just a metaphor for the previous comment.
Kenneth R. Livingston
August 18, 2010 at 12:50 am
Stereotypes exist the word exists because the are usually true not because some people have an opinion that they are true. That is a generalized statement.
Kenneth R. Livingston
P.S. Hense straight people being considered not to be having gay sex
August 18, 2010 at 12:53 am
My comments aren’t about you directly they were about the statements you made… for me it’s just what works works and when it comes down to it if I don’t immediately on MEETING IN PERSON love them more than all the rest it won’t happen not because I don’t want it too but because it would be disrespectful of me hense disrespectful to them because I would be being dishonest… keep in mind there are many of those who I love more than all the rest that I do not have sexual interactions with
Kenneth R. Livingston
August 18, 2010 at 12:55 am
Never place a stereotype on a person only on a person’s actions… I transcend more than many though
Kenneth R. Livingston
P.S. I did not say I don’t like you are that I judge you… in fact from how you speak with respect I think that if you are that way in person that I would reciprocate however more confidently but because I could see you being one of those types that I would make unconditional exception for! LOVE man!
August 18, 2010 at 12:59 am
Acknowledge anyone you feel you want to choose to acknowledge if your self confidence is unconditional not pompous or arrogant but unconditional you can interact and even love whoever you choose cuz it’s honest… It is rarely unreciprocated when it is genuine even when it is not expressed!
Kenneth R. Livingston
August 18, 2010 at 1:00 am
The only requirement I think for being attractive is either being whole or on the journey to being whole!
Kenneth R. Livingston
August 18, 2010 at 1:04 am
I understand your statement I have no digital camera hense my profile pics even on my social profiles are in general not of me you wanna see real pics no prob… but I do not have the equipment or a digital camera to put it into my media technology.
Kenneth R. Livingston
P.S. and it sucks cuz I can take like 100 photos of myself and there’s like 5 good ones lol… My Best Friend and I tried doing photos on her phone the other day and I did like 10 and there were no good ones! lmao on day I guess I could just go pay the $100.00 for a camera I just haven’t
August 18, 2010 at 1:09 am
Just an afterthought…
Read the bible text. By the way people, take the liguistic truth of the statement literally not as some church or other person’s opinion has told you, just the literal statement even go to the dictionary to get the literal meaning of every each and every word in the statement.
Kenneth R. Livingston
August 18, 2010 at 1:16 am
Just a comment, personal, take it or leave it doesn’t really matter. To be a whole human being and honest throughout my entire life with myself and others I must to be the best person I can be to myself and other acknowledge the nature and truth of my being irrelevant of what my own or any other culture or belief on the planet has to say… so if I were to have sex with a man while I was married to my wife because it was an honest interaction with that man and I lied to my wife about it… I would begin the cycle of lying not only with myself but with the ones and the people that I love the most in my life the same as if I did the same to my husband!
Kenneth R. Livingston
P.S. My marriage will be between a man and woman under the eyes of God.
August 18, 2010 at 1:24 am
I think it should reflect the true person u r…however, most “front” so its not really them, but a mask….
August 18, 2010 at 5:48 am
Lol I’m not sure if people will agree, but to me in doesn’t make sense for a “straight” guy to sleep with a “gay”, because in the end it means he’s not straight to begin with. But it’s more fun to think that it is possible. And it’s true that online dating does seem more difficult than real life dating. Online you usually have to be a model or have your manhood reach the ground. In person you want to know the other person, their scent will fill your mind, their eyes will connect with you, their touch gives you that static shock sensation….idk I think I’m rambling now 0_o
Lol basically life is more fun when your willing to experience it all with out holding back. We only get so much time to live, why spend it in fear? Why spend it alone? Eventually all the outter beauty will fade, the beautiful face you fell in love with will shrivel and wrinkle. But the connection you made with them the day you fell in love…that will last forever. So not even in death do you part.
And now I feel like a hallmark card…lame…lol
August 18, 2010 at 5:50 am
Lmao I’m the exact same way!!! I’m also the type to hide from other peoples cameras lol
It sucks, one time I spent an hour trying to get a good pic just to update my profile…the damn memory card wiped itself clean upon ejection
August 18, 2010 at 5:55 am
Most people see what they want to see.
When your not attracted to their race, they may take it personal and think your racist. Same goes for the age.
Do we have a word for the weight range issue?? “weightsist”??
Lol that’s the more common one. Even just for hook ups, most will only want the sexy models. That or the morbidly obese. Why no love for the average??…oops…rambling again…sorry
August 18, 2010 at 11:53 am
Ohhhh, I see, I see. That makes a lot more sense.. Haha.
I really wish I could pull off doing that.. It would be a lot better to actually loving the inside and have the outside be irrelevant to the feelings for the person. *sigh* If only it were that easy.
August 19, 2010 at 1:04 am
Guys
My name is Sheldon, I am almost 25(on Sat) and I desprately need a BF. One of the reasons is that I am not out, nor can not ever be, but is there no guy out there that can deal with that? I have tried so hard to meet guys, and have met a few amazing guys, but this is how the last one went (and sorta how they all go)
I met this guy on OKCupid (Adam). We chatted for hours and hours (and I was totally honest about my situation, and he said he was totally honest about his and all what he said) and really felt that we should meet. So after some awkward (cute) moments on skype, I finally asked if we could meet in Vancouver on a Sunday. We meet, more awkward (cute) moments, and we end up hanging out for the whole day, and into the evening. Then I had to go.
We make a deal that even if nothing came out of this (BF…) we would always be friends, as we had shared so much stuff already. We keep chatting, a few weeks later he comes over to my place, we watch a movie, talk, stuff happens, (no sex), we sleep together(no sex), he leaves, and that was the end…..
NEVER HERE FROM HIM AGAIN….
what is up????
Please help….
Sheldon
August 19, 2010 at 3:11 am
Hi,
First of all, talking about what you encounter was well: i guess he kinda just gave up on relationships and just want to have a “one night stand” now. Grindr’s reputation is based on hooking up. Yet, grindr is also set on making friends and such n such in your local area.
It is hard for some people to get action on grindr, i think.. It’ll be cocky for me to say, but im not saying to be cocky, but yes i do get a lot of hook ups, and im sure its hard for some people. I do have my standards when i want to chat with other men. I guess we all blame the media for what we look for in an ideal guy. Like i said, grindr is more for a one night stand..
Finally, i have hooked up with a few “straight, straight acting, and carious” men. Shocks me when they tell me. But aren’t men just a bunch of horny creatures? I admit, i think about sex everyday, which guy(s) wouldnt? For this: if a straight guy’s girlfriend wouldnt give it up, that guy would likely to get sex somewhere else. Gay guys are all about sex. And when a staright guy finally solves the puzzle of what gay men are all about, they want to f**k guys and try it out.
Now closing, im not saying that this is all true but you have to know that places like grindr is for those who want to make friends and hook up with guys. It’s a way of socializing.. It’s human nature. Can’t help it.. (sighs) sex sex sex…
August 23, 2010 at 1:11 pm
I’m on Grindr and have meet some amazing guys that have turned into very close non-sexual friends, a few f*****g HOTTT hookups and some REALLY bad dates. Some guys on grinder piss me off with the “no blacks” or “no fem acting” remarks. Why is that necessary? If someone writes you you and you don’t care for them for whatever reason a polite “No thank you!” is all that you need to say! I’m a big guy (6-4″ 300lbs and gayer then Christmas!) and get a LOT of comments about my size. Bitch please! If you can’t handle this then don’t write me or if I write you… Like I said… A simple “No thank you!” is all I need to see and I’ll move on. Gays can be so damn mean!! One love everyone!!
Okay… Off my soap box. You can have it back Davey! Ohh and next time you’re in Northern MA look me up! I love talking to smart gay people!
February 12, 2011 at 12:17 pm
pffft, you’re talking about dating and sex – It’s perfectly rational to point out what you do and don’t like – this is life, not group therapy. There are plenty of people I don’t desire to date, and if my profile limits me from their consideration, guess what: that’s what it’s supposed to do!
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