Back in college, I knew a girl. Let’s call her Rachel; her name has been changed to protect the codependent.
Rachel’s identity – her sense of self – was almost entirely defined by the existence of a boyfriend. The actual boyfriend isn’t important – who he was, what he liked or dislike or how he looked didn’t matter. It only mattered that she had one.
After five or six years of dating, they broke up. I was ecstatic for Rachel. For the first time in her adult life, I thought Rachel would be able to explore her identity as an individual. For the first time, she started to ask important questions and move outside of her self-created shell. She started to build a relationship with herself.
And then, within a month or two, she had a new boyfriend. And the exploration ended. It’s been another four or five years, and they’re still together.
We all know Rachels. Some of us are Rachels.
Another friend aspires to be “boyfriended” – he would love to be a Rachel. He believes that his true happiness can only be obtained by having a boyfriend. As I mentioned in my talky blog yesterday, true happiness isn’t dependent on objects, things or people outside of yourself. Much of our suffering results from basing our happiness, identity, sense of worth, etc. on those things that change.
Muscles turn to mush – and eventually to dust. People die, sometimes unexpectedly. Relationships end – people walk out of our lives. Money can be spent, lost or stolen. Houses burn. Cars crash. A life defined by these “things” is a life lived in fear of losing them. That’s not happiness.
The happiness that many seek to find in their relationship with a boyfriend can only truly be found in their relationship with their Self.
April 26, 2009 at 3:35 pm
This is totally true! I used to be a Rachel, and pulled myself out of it. Had ppl walk away, some I walked away from, I have now been single going on 3 yrs…I decided to remain single after my last break up (not so good of one). Looked back and looked around at my friends and ppl around me and their always in a relationship then out of it then in one then out. facebook is a good example to find ppl like that in your own life, yay for status updates lol anyway I have found that I dont’ ‘need’ someone to complete me. I’m not against having a boyfriend but I’m not going to go out and get one for the sake of having one…If someone comes along and we hang out and get close then cool BUT it will take a lot to get me into a relatinoship unless it just clicks and we all know that click in some form or another. I guess what I’m getting at is be happy as YOU before you can be happy as a THEY. BUT don’t ever loose the YOU in the THEY.
Peace!
April 27, 2009 at 1:49 pm
I agree whole heartedly. Tom
April 26, 2009 at 3:45 pm
I don’t want to be Rachel.
April 26, 2009 at 3:49 pm
You are definitely right! I’m in college and I still haven’t had a boyfriend and I constantly want one. I do believe that having a boyfriend is the only way I’ll really feel completed or happy, but I have been working towards breaking those thoughts down and this post helps!
April 26, 2009 at 9:57 pm
You are whole and complete just as you are. It can be a tough realization and it takes a lot of introspection but when you realize it, you will have freedom beyond your wildest dreams. When you perceive that you need something, then you must have it, regardless of what you have to sacrifice as a result. The need outweighs any other consideration. You will lower your standards just to have whatever it is you think you need because without it you feel incomplete. When you reaoize that you are complete and whole and that you have all you need to be happy, you will no longer feel that need. Once you are completely needless, in that respect, you can focus on what you want instead. Imagine your life if you had the freedom to choose something you want rather than settle for something you think you need. That’s a powerful way to live. And consider how it feels from the point of view of your partner; imagine how it would feel to hear “I don’t need you, but I choose you and want you nonetheless.” I know I’d rather be chosen than needed.
April 26, 2009 at 4:52 pm
You’re right. Living by myself was the hardest lesson i’ve learned in my life. When all my friends moved out, i saw my self completly lost with no direction to go, everything seemed to be different and harder. That brought me a lot of suffer. After seven years without any kind of contact with them i received a calling and ………………..
April 26, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I like what you just wrote! You are right! My own experience lets me think so.
bye,
April 26, 2009 at 5:12 pm
“We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come
as a result of getting something we don’t have,
but rather of recognizing and appreciating
what we do have.”
Frederick Keonig
April 26, 2009 at 5:03 pm
This is very true! I would encourage “rachels” to read a book called “Finding the Boyfriend Within” by Brad Gooch. It’s a short book full of exercises that people can use to get in touch with their inner self, and once you do so your inner self will seep out and shine on the outside.
I have been single for a year this month, and I do run into moments where I just day dream about what it would be like to be held in the arms of a man again, and to cook for him, and make him happy; however, I realize that in order to make someone else happy, I have to BE happy in the first place.
April 26, 2009 at 5:05 pm
One of my best friends used to be a Rachel.
And now another one of my friends is becoming a Rachel. for some reason he thinks that he must have a bf. We’re only sophomores in high school …I don’t see a rush.lol Sometimes it makes me sad because i see him struggle with his self esteem everyday. I try to make him feel better about himself. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt. I feel bad sometimes because I’m a happy person for the most part. But he isn’t. He’s ten times smarter than I am.lol He’s a walking history book! And he’s a star athlete on our schools track team. but he always puts himself down and says bad things about himself. and for some reason he’s concerned that he wont find the love of his life,and he thinks that he must have a bf. idk why. I dont know what to tell him. i think he’s gonna have to figure this out by himself. (forgive the spelling errors please.lol)
April 26, 2009 at 6:15 pm
hey julian
you are right – he is going to have to figure it out for himself. sadly,
frustrating as it may feel at times we cannot give growth and understanding
to others – even if we could it would cheat them out of the experience
of learning it for themselves which is why they came here to this planet.
the best thing you can do for yourself and for him is shower him with
unconditional love – he will get there, if not in this life then the next, or
the one after….
April 27, 2009 at 10:10 am
He’s concerned about finding the love of his life and he’s only a sophomore in high school – ha ! give me a break. CHILLAX. What’s the hurry ? That’s the age to be exploring who you are and spending time with/getting to know people to find out about the world. Being young and single is a wonderful opportunity to explore the world on your own terms without compromising.
April 26, 2009 at 5:31 pm
So true! I never understood why people let their happiness thrive on the dependence on another person. There are so many more important/wonderful things to explore and create and relish in; Life is so much more than one plus one. Well said
April 26, 2009 at 6:09 pm
i guess a lot of us identify neediness as love. i see love as a spectrum with neediness on the one side and pure unconditional love on the other. however the less we love ourselves the more we tend to the needy side. only through self love first can we truly love another unconditionally. relationships are important though as people we are close to act as excellent mirrors if we stay conscious through the process. relationships can be a great way to learn and grow and ultimately evolve which is afterall why we are here
April 27, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Well said. I agree
April 26, 2009 at 6:45 pm
I totally agree. I used to be a “Rachel.” While I’m not opposed to having a relationship, I am so happy being single now. In fact, I’d probably be hard-pressed to get into a relationship. Maybe someday! Right now I’m enjoying being me, doing what I want, when I want, with whom I want. I love the freedom that being single brings.
April 26, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Sad to say, but, I’m a Rachel too
April 26, 2009 at 7:59 pm
It’s funny that out of denying myself as a gay man, I learned to accept myself. I even enjoy traveling the world alone. When you do that, you tend to talk more to strangers and learn more about the area that you are visiting. You make friend and experiences you could never have dreamed of. After accepting myself, I found the special person that I want to spend my life with and now we travel together. I would not be complete with him, without having been without him.
So, don’t be a Rachel. Get to know yourselves.
April 26, 2009 at 10:04 pm
I used to be a major Rachel.
April 26, 2009 at 10:48 pm
This is a topic that’s resonating with me strongly right now… I’m so Rachael…
April 27, 2009 at 12:44 am
Davey,
This is one of the best blogs that you have done in my opinion. I try to live knowing that some things could possibly not be here the next day. I try to not be affected by the fact of people or things. Though sometimes, I can lose track of this, I try to be of “myself.” Not to be selfish or anything, but to know that I, myself, can generate my happiness, and the constant and not so other constant things around me, can make me happy for a short period, but it is my self, my soul, my being, my existence within myself that makes me happy.
April 27, 2009 at 6:19 am
One of my good friends is Rachael and it is sad now because she doesn’t have a boyfriend. She plays games in her head saying she doesn’t need a man but when others around her do get a boyfriend or girlfriend she is extremely picky about them and wonders why those two are together. It makes me fear to tell her about anyone I am dating because she is so negative about anyone. It makes me feel that she needs to find a boyfriend so she can “relax” about others.
April 27, 2009 at 7:24 am
It is not good to be alone…
April 27, 2009 at 10:21 am
this is so true.you dont have to obsess about it-that doesnt help.but everyone needs company.
April 27, 2009 at 10:48 am
6 years ago my life partner of 22 years dumped me for a younger man. He broke my heart at the time, but I have come to realize that I am better off without him. He’s making the same mistakes in running his life that he always did when we were together. I live alone now and am much happier, though somewhat lonelier.
April 27, 2009 at 11:55 am
Davey,
Everything that you say is so on point, and this post is just so true. We all know a Rachel, and some of us are that girl. I could never be one, as I love myself enough to know better, but to those that are stuck in that vicious cycle I say this: if he ever loved you, he’d want you to be yourself. Not a puppet.
That is love. And it’s all that matters. If a man cannot let you be yourself, then honey, he’s not the one you need to be with. Love yourself first. The rest will follow in due time.
April 27, 2009 at 12:24 pm
All I can say is A man brother.
April 27, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I imagine people think i’m big headed but I’ve never been a Rachel about finding a boyfriend. Maybe lately i’m a little panicky. I’ve never had to look for boyfriends or girlfriends they were always there when I wanted one. When I left my first wife to give in to my desires for men. I’m 85% male oriented 15% female oriented bisexual more or less.In the 70s living as a straight guy had definite advantages. But I couldn’t give up men.I left my wife devadtated i’m ashamed to say. I found a hunky husband right away. I was 20 years old. I left him after 5 years cause he was a masochist and slowly eased me into being a sadist. It got worse and worse until I couldn’t stand hurting him any more I am a gentle man. After we broke up I went through a kinky group of short term boyfriends that caused me to stop looking for boyfriends I just wanted sex. That was my needy time i was used to always having a sexual partner and boyfriends and girlfriends were no trouble but hook-ups was a new thing to me. I became obsessed in having a one nighter every night.
For the first time in my life I was the stalker instead of the prey.It was a humbling experience maybe similar to this Rachel thing
this went on for about 2 years and humbled me a lot.My mojo had failed me about 50%I had 3 or 4 lovers a week instead of 7.I learned to be ok alone at night.Then I found God.Then I came to Mexico and got married again.Now I got it straight God loves gays and i’m husband hunting and nobody is around. In Mexico nobody is out.I joined a dating site and I’m popular as ever i have the pick of the litters. My mojo is still working cause I’m not looking for hookups but husbands so they are there. The one I have chosen is coming to meet me this Friday.Cross your fingers for me. I haven’t seen a picture. If he isn’t Marty Feldman I’m taking him. I guess my moral is I learned not to be a Rachel when i was sex starved. I learned I didn’t need constant sexual pleasure to be happy. i am a happy person I have lots of problems i have mentioned before.My happiness is not built on other people or in health or money or possessions or sex or anything external except God.
April 27, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Davey, I for got to say,
Every now and then, I just need some touch.
lol Give me some touch!
rickyt
April 27, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Rachael, like all of us, can do many things with/by/to herself. She cannot, however “relate” with herself. In order to relate, we need another person.
April 27, 2009 at 3:20 pm
hey davey,
i get where u r coming from, but as people with feelings we sometimes need someone to touch, hug and or jus even to know someone is there…i’ve never been in a relationship ever and i’m 28 years of age. have u been through life only wondering how it feels to love or be loved. when i see ppl holding hands or getting a hug from the one they are with, my heart cries yearning if i’ll ever have someone or not..
i’m sick of being alone..
April 27, 2009 at 3:39 pm
i feel heart broken for you you are worthy of love and I believe you will find someone.
April 27, 2009 at 4:08 pm
You sound like someone who has much love to give. I don’t know you but have a few ideas:
1.Try to encourage everyone around you. Many feel as you do. Whatever good karma you send in the way of encouragement is what you most likely to get back.
2.Great human beings come in all shapes and sizes. Don’t limit yourself to befriending ideal body types. 3. Approach people and don’t wait to for them to make the first move.
I wish you much happiness. Tom
April 27, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Back in college?
Don’t you mean Back in University?
:^)
April 27, 2009 at 8:16 pm
I have a friend named Rachel.
April 27, 2009 at 9:50 pm
I am not a Rachel. I see myself more as a Phoebe. (Sorry)
April 28, 2009 at 3:29 am
Amen to that!! I am battling with the same thing. Just got out of a 3 year relationship that was hell and 5 weeks later fell into another with someone that i could easily see myself marrying if gay marriage was legal in my country!!
Today i was pondering on the exact topic. Now that i have this amazing bf i find myself drifting away from the spiritual journey i was on, and luckily realised this before it was too late. I simply said to myself “he will be a part of my life that makes me happy, but he will not solely define my happiness!”
Thanks for another great post!!
April 30, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Adam, good thinking, may the blessings be.
Ciao!
April 28, 2009 at 10:55 am
This rings true with so many people, and yes, we all know one, or have been on of these “Rachael’s” at one time or another. Know thyself, and believe you me, it takes some time to accomplish that little goal.
Ciao!
April 28, 2009 at 12:47 pm
this is all so true…i’m dealing with someone who may or may not be walking out of my life right now, and we were really close, business partners and best friends, so this was a good thing to hear! thank you so much.
April 29, 2009 at 5:09 am
People need people.
Couples need friends.
We all need neighbourhoods to live in and amongst.
The great ME soon finds this out when they reach times of hardship or ilness.
**
The big all independant ME (or likewise US) is an illusion.
**
A lonely sad illusion.
April 29, 2009 at 6:15 am
I agree with you. We need each other and it is good to be needed. I think it is healthy, if well, to “sip strength” from others rather than be a totally needy energy drain. Of course, when we are sick or have big problems, this is not possible.
April 30, 2009 at 10:47 am
So true
Some people think that to be happy you need to have and be in a relationship. And this is not true. Being happy is about you and how you feel about yourself,the other person cant feel what you are feeling so they cant make you happy. Sure they can make you feel but thats not the same thing. In order to be be truly happy you have to feel confortable with yourself and nobody else.
April 30, 2009 at 1:30 pm
NO – I am sure you may well be a far better person than me.
What you have to say is a viewpoint that used to be so common
in the early days of Gay liberation.
The problem is that it can lead to us being smug.
A straight guy once poked fun at me “Oh Gay Guys Have Only Theselves and Their c**k To Please”.
What he meant was we were shallow and only worried about our own pleasure.
No kids, no responsibilities yes – but also no capability of caring for anyone but ourselves.
So many Gay guys seem to want to reinforce that idea.
**
WHEN we face hardship, hatred, loss, economic difficulties due to job loss, poor health or personal failure it is really important to be able to share it and gain suppport from someone you love.
We are very fortunate – but think what the WW2 generation had to go thru – and what helped them overcome.
It was not just being in a partnership, but also in a neighbourhood, a community and a country we can believe to be compassionate and principled and proud of.
Our “Independant Freedom” is a delusion – we need to show that we are a group of people who are not just independant but actually care and support each other and people in neeed.
That way we slowly gain respect.
Remember too that people may not have come from the same circumstances as yourself and may need a confidence boost, love and understanding before they can become confident.
April 30, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Hi Davey,
I used to be that girl! I always had a boyfriend until I was about 34. Now it seems the only guys I really like are gay. They’re attracted to me and I am to them, even if I suspect they are more interested in men. It’s a sad state of affairs. Obviously, it will never work with any of them and I am the one who ends up hurt. Why do you think a guy who’s really into men would even want to entertain dating me or even hooking up with me? I don’t understand it. Obviously, once I figure out that they’re not really into women, I try to forget about them, but sometimes it’s still really difficult because I genuinely like them. It’s much easier to just be single and not attached to anyone. What do you think? Have you ever been into women and then decided that you just like men more? Are you into both? Is it really possible? Thanks for your thoughts. Muffy
April 30, 2009 at 6:40 pm
I have feelings for my friend Lisa.
She really cheers me up and I love her.
It would really freak me out if I ended up drinl doing stuff with her.
I would either fall madly possessively in love or ruin a great friendship.
The worst thing would be feeling I had been tricked – moulded by society.
No worse would be not respecting a lovely friendship.
She is more of a man than I am.
Scuba Diving Snow Boarding – you name it she does it.
It might be easier if she did not have breasts.
Who knows.
But its nice to love someone without it being physical.
I used to be fixed on her cheating boyfriend.
I lost him a bit asa amte when I comforted Lisa.
On holiday in a romantic location she met a drop dead gorgeous young Albanian.
Her boyfriend saw the email where I told her to have her fun –
seize the moment – just like he had done.
**
There will be someone gorgeous for you.
Prau about it – the get out and enjoy life.
Don’t panic – your time will come.x
May 1, 2009 at 11:32 pm
I get a little … frustrated … when I feel like people are just jumping on the bandwagon.
Being happy with yourself and loving yourself are great things.
But I don’t think it is happiness that people seek in relationships. Sure … being in a relationship might enhance or compliment our feelings of happiness.
Being in a relationship is not to experience happiness … it is to experience love. Now there are many kinds of love. But I what I am referring to is that special kind of love … not only to love someone … but to also to be loved. It’s a duality … it takes two.