Last night, I got asked a question that irks me. Rather, it’s a question that I let irk me. Regardless, of who is doing the irking, the question goes something like this: “Who is the woman in your relationship?”
As a participant in a gay relationship, I remind the questioner that we’re both men. I mean, that’s the whole point. That’s the essence of being gay. Often, I offer to show my penis if there is doubt. I try to brush off the question with humor, but its embedded hetero-normative ignorance always lingers a bit too long.
Whenever I talk about a lesbian couple, my mom immediately needs to ask which is the man and which is the woman. It’s as though she needs to make sense of a gay relationship by putting it into straight terms.
Sure, sometimes one guy is more sensitive or gentler than the other. Sometimes one guy prefers ballet and the other hockey. But it’s only because of our stereotypes that we associate these characteristics with one gender or the other.
Maybe instead of trying to stick gay relationships into heterosexual molds, we should turn the tables. Next time I meet a straight couple, I’m going to ask which one is the top and which is the bottom.
November 28, 2008 at 2:18 pm
I think one of the main issues being missed in this positing is sexism. Associating male and female in a relationship is only natural for straight couples to diagnosis a gay relationship. The best way for straight couples to explain relationships is through their own experience, which involves a man and a woman. However, the fact that the statement is worded, “which one is the women in the relationship?” identifies that women are seen as the inferior or lesser equal partner, and therefore, calling that gay mans “masculinaty” into question. The whole concept of masucline and feminine are very diluted. With my experience, there has been a large stigma in the male heterosexual community about being viewed as feminine (which can be associated as lesser or being gay) and masculine (which can be associated with strength and superiority). These social pressures lead to poor self-esteem and self-confidence, which shows up in negativity towards gay men and women alike. By recognizing that not only do straight couples find it difficult to understand our same gender relationships, it is also beneficial to know there are many social injustices that work against the progression of homosexual relationships.
Therefore, one solution I suggest is to keep educating our straight counter parts and hope that one day these questions will be something we all laugh about in years to come!
January 25, 2009 at 8:21 am
I’m afraid you’re right
November 30, 2008 at 12:33 pm
im 14 and i still live with my parents, i mean they know that i am gay ut they still ask me if i have a gil friend yet when they already know im gay, im not sure if they just forget or if they actually dont want me to be gay [as if thats gona hapen im gay always will be and im proud] anyway it also anoys me when people say in school, chat rooms, or just in the street say to you – this is for boys by the way – do you have a girl friend yet, ok they might no know that ou ae gay but their is always a possibility why cant they just say are you in a relationship at the miment or somethin like that.
anyway love th eblog
bye
December 17, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Totally- it drives me insane when I get asked who the man and who the woman is in a gay relationship- especially my relationships. I mean, we’re both guys, um, I’m pretty sure we both have Y chromosomes. Sure, most of my boyfriends have been a bit more sensitive than I am, but for god’s sake, that doesn’t make him a woman! So yeah- I love your idea of asking straight couples if they’re top or bottom. I can’t wait to see what they say.
January 3, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I’m straight …so ask me that questions…and
your answer will be erh….depending on how mood
she would be on top or I would be…..
for you information…this question did not offend me one bit
December 19, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Thats so interesting! I never thought of it that way at all. But when you talk about putting things in perspective of heterosexual couples, its easy to see that its true. Its a sense of justification to a homosexual relationship… verry interesting
January 21, 2009 at 9:29 pm
I had this question asked of me when it was known that I’m gay. I didn’t want to explain to the straight guys all the details about how I have sex so I did say both. Then they asked directly “well who’s on top?” I said both. They said “Oh you take turns” Ahahahaha Now gay people ask If I’m a top or bottom and I say “both” One gay man tried to argue with me that guys are only versitile when they are young but eventually they go top or bottom – can you imagine? A gay man telling me I’m not versitile my whole life. Talk about ignorance
January 29, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I would’ve ignored
January 29, 2009 at 4:00 pm
I would’ve ignored or flipped the bird lol!!! na that’s too much
February 18, 2009 at 1:36 am
OMG! {^.^} ya no, I never thought about it like that, I’m a bisexual girl, and recently found out that one of my best friends is gay, so I’ll remember not to ask that, tehe, I’m learning, im bein supportive {^.^}
March 9, 2009 at 7:49 pm
really nice cant stop watching your vids… its really funny.
i really love the coming out story its was really nice though i havent come out yet, to my family that is. but i have with close friends.
i also watch the vid about the wanking neighbor, hilarious!
blog more
tnx
March 9, 2009 at 8:12 pm
sorry i wasnt able to comment on this topic.
my friends think that im the girl in the relationship because im ‘needy’ but when everyone is gone i kinda take charge of the everything. i suddenly become this whole new person. even my friends tell me that im boring and too ‘needy’ when im around my boyfriend. i dont know why though. also when me and my boyfriend are alone in the house, he acts as though he the woman in the relationship.
well i think as gay people we both have the feeling of men and women. the agressiveness of a man and the insecurities of a woman. its like all the emotions are trying to break free. so i think it really doesnt matter who is the woman and the man in the relationship as long as both of you enjoys each others company and love really is there, then for me everything is just peachy!
BTW i draw he line in cross dressing
hahaha
March 11, 2009 at 12:39 pm
faggots go to hell and die
March 11, 2009 at 5:41 pm
What’s that? What’s your problem you selfish arrogant bastard?
Oops, mind me. I don’t know why I’d come off so OFFENCIVE.
Get a life. Hell doesn’t even exist to me. But I know that in any religion that would exist and is “all love” as they like to claim, you’re going to hell. It’s a funny thing, love. It has no boundaries. Looks like you need to go find some of it. Or come out of the closet, probably more like it.
After all, what’s such an ungay person doing here anyway? I would bet that you’ll read this, because you’d stalk here to see how we would “fall” and “cry for mercy” from your comment.
PS: All humans die. Surely you’re not so in denial of a respecting, and thus respectable, life to think you are immortal? All I know’s that I got a good laugh. Thanks!
March 26, 2009 at 12:22 am
i would like to suggest a topic for discussion. This whole i’m straight acting bullshit, or i’m not into femms. At one point whenever i encountered these people(who are all gay men btw) i got SO angry and would try to school them in one concentrated message basically calling them hateful shits who need to sort there s**t out. Anyways, i could use some help getting the message out
loveudavey
May 18, 2009 at 1:10 pm
OMG
Thank you!!! i thought no one ever seemed to understand what i meant when i spoke my mind about that! its so idiotic how people automatically label 2 men in a relationship one being the guy and the other the woman! it completely annoys me. AH ur my idol Daveyyy
May 30, 2009 at 6:33 pm
i understand how it can be annoying to have people ask that. i dont have that problem because i’m only out to my family and closest friends, and my boyfriend is the same. so basically nobody knows either of us is gay. though, when someone does ask, i have no problem telling people i’m the woman. the question itself, tho could be rude intentionally, is not meant to be rude or impolite. people of all types can be interested in which person in a couple pitches and which one catches. its perfectly normal to be curious, even though its nobody’s business.
i also agree that it isnt true that one has to fill the role of man and the other woman. in my relationship, we both agree that we are both the man, and will refer to each other as such. even though one of us acts like a straight guy and the other is more sensitive/aware of others’ feelings than the other.
August 28, 2009 at 12:06 am
I can see why thats annoying. I get asked that question all the time. When i first came out to my family and friends. Everyone would ask me, Jared. If your dating a guy who is the man and who is the woman? I mean I used to think that was like a typical question that all gay people were asked. So i automatically assumed there must be an answer to it. And the more i thought about it, the more i came to understand, that if your gay. There is no man and woman.. There are either two males, or two females. Regardless if one of them acts more feminish then the other. They are both males. Or both females. To this day i get asked the same question. The relationship that i am in now, my best friend of 12 years asked me, Jared, are you the woman or is he? And my response is. I have a penis, im pretty sure he does to. So i dont think either one of us are of the female persuation.
September 10, 2009 at 7:30 am
We’ve never been asked who is the woman in our relationship. We’ve been asked who ‘pitches’ and ‘catches’. I think that’s pretty much the same question.
April 5, 2012 at 1:29 am
I agree with you Kyle!
That is totally a brain catcher here !