Wednesday night, I had the opportunity to speak at an event hosted by Tufts’ Queer Straight Alliance in Boston. The topic was using social media to create positive change in the LGBT community, and I was able to meet a number of really amazing blog buddies in attendance.
For me, it’s always moving to meet the amazing people who participate in the work that I do – and to hear their stories. I was touched, in particular, by a young woman who handed me a note. Our encounter was brief; she handed me a letter, we said a few words, we hugged – and then she left.
Later that night, when I was back in my hotel room, I read her letter. In it, she described a particularly difficult and emotional life situation in which someone very, very dear to her felt he could never come out. If he did, because he’s part of a very religious and close-knit community, he’d lose his family, friends and job. Life isn’t easy, she told me – but watching my videos has helped.
For the last few days, I’ve thought a great deal about her story. Not being in the shoes of the man she described, I found myself struggling to articulate my thoughts. And I grabbled with the question: If it meant giving up everything, would I still have come out?
As the young woman mentioned in her letter, life isn’t easy. But it also isn’t endless. It’s very cliche to say that life is short, but it’s also very true. Our time here is incredibly limited, and so I can’t help but think that being true to yourself takes priority. Families can heal. New friends can be made. Jobs can be found.
All I know is that life is breathtaking short. You blink, and it’s already tomorrow. And so I think it’s so very important to live a life surrounded by people who support us for who we are and to follow the song that our heart sings.
(And to the young woman who passed me the note: If you read this, thank you. I’m inspired by your courage and feel honored to have helped in some small way.)
So, here’s my question for you, blog buddies: Would you come out if it meant giving up everything in your life? Let me know in the comments below.
December 3, 2011 at 1:47 am
Dear Davey Wavey,
Pretty sure that was my wife you met at Tufts. Bless her, she drove 2 hours out of her way to give you our letter and then back to Brooklyn that night! She said you were charming and very polite. Thank you for that. She’s a victim of this as much as I am, probably more so, and yet she is stronger and more loyal then I can ever imagine.
I appreciate your article and the comments on the post. It is true I have brought a difficult situation into our lives. My decisions affects her, my children, my siblings who are not yet married and would have trouble doing so with such a family scandal. If it was just me it would be a different, perhaps easier, decision. But thank you for your insight and all your videos. And for everyone still struggling, I pray it becomes better for all of us.
With great thanks,
Avraham
December 3, 2011 at 4:47 pm
Yes, it was. I wish that I was able to talk longer with your wife. She was a very sweet, kind and understanding woman. I’m so grateful that my videos have been able to help the two of you. Please thank her again for the letter. I will continue to think of you and your family often. xo
December 3, 2011 at 3:42 am
I don’t know, my family has hated me from the day I was born. I’ve never had anything truly important in my life to judge by because the one thing I’ve ever wanted was to be loved, to have some one say I care or you matter. So I truly don’t know
December 3, 2011 at 6:31 pm
You DO matter; everybody matters, regardless of his or her station in life (but I understand what you are saying, as well). I am certain there are many here who would tell you the same thing and offer a hug. (((hugs)))
Remember that when a person hates, it’s his (or her) loss so when you say that your own family has hated you since you were born, that’s a tremendous loss to THEM. Yes, it has an effect on the one to whom they’re focusing their hate upon (in the case of what you’ve described here, yourself) but try not to let it affect you too greatly. Do something special for yourself each day; show yourself the love THAT YOU DESERVE and in this case, let them own their own losses.
Take care, chin up and never lose hope.
December 4, 2011 at 5:45 am
Dear Charles,
I really hope you find that love, I really do! Your courage to say this on here and be true and honest means your character and heart shine through so much darkness. I’m sorry for what you have had to endure. Be hopeful, be brave and be you.
All my love to make up for the hate,
Ant
December 4, 2011 at 5:48 pm
Dear Charles,
I too came from a home where i was hated. My father(?) never really knew if i was his or not. He hated me for not knowing i guess. I was verbaly and physicaly abused until I left home when i was 16 and never looked back. I am NOT saying you should do this if you are indeed still at home. But. always remember that your inner strenghth is far more powerful than you realize. You can and will survive, find friends, love and possibly a new family!.
You my friend have my thoughts, prayers and any kind of moral support i can give to you. DO NOT become anything other than what you in your heart want to be. They cannot win at this as long as you know there is much more and much better for you in life. And believe me, there is.
((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))),
Tony
December 3, 2011 at 4:07 am
Every single I day I go to bed thinking about how to handle coming out, and every single day I wake up with the sinking feeling, that unless I want my life to turn COMPLETELY upside down, that I simply can’t.
Being that I am still not really at the stage in my life where I want to be in a relationship, it’s easier. Slowly though, I am starting to feel that urge to fill some sort of gap in my life that a ‘significant other’ is suppose to fill. I’m only 22, but time flies!
Why haven’t I come out? Because every time my parents see a gay guy, or lesbian gal on television, they look on in utter horror. They have no problem watching straight sex scenes in movies without flinching. Stick a gay guy and his boyfriend on screen, and have them hold hands, and the look on their faces can be described as nothing other than pure disgust. They vocalize their disgust as well, “Oh, this doesn’t need to be on my TV”, or “That’s just so many kinds of wrong, what filth…” Every time I see this, I picture them looking at me the same way; how terrifying!
I am currently living with them until after the New Year. Once I save up a few paychecks from my new job, I’ll be moving out, and establishing my financial independence. For me to be honest with them, and to face whatever consequences may come, I don’t want to make it harder than it has to be. Will I lose everything? Certainly not. I’m a pretty smart guy who has made a lot of connections in this world. I’m young, and haven’t yet really established any roots in my life so far. Does that make it any easier? No way. The day either of my parents looks at me the way they look at homosexuality portrayed in modern television… will be a very, very difficult day to get through.
December 3, 2011 at 6:48 am
I do understand what you’re going through, thinking about how to handle coming out “every single day [you] go to bed.” Been there—though it’s been many years for me now. Having grown up in a small town in New Mexico, I couldn’t wait to get to the larger city and just lose myself in an exploration of who I might one day become. My fortune was that I had an immediate family that, though religious, was very supportive and accepting when that day did finally arrive (Mom was visiting over the Easter holiday).
Take your time and don’t ever let anybody make you feel you need to do anything before you’re prepared to do so yourself. Yes, time does fly (more so as you get older—trust me—I’m 48 and am still wondering where the hell the last 27 years of my life went! LOL)
Good luck in all your endeavors, SP. (((hugs)))
December 4, 2011 at 12:17 pm
@SP:
Dear SP,
As MichaelM wrote in his comment [below ?:One never knows what order these comments will show],It’s NEVER EASY,though sounds like he was luckier than most.You may have some difficulties with your family.That’s hard,for some of us irreparable_On the other hand,especially if your relationships are close/loving,it’s surprising how much many people can change in time.ON YET ANOTHER HAND (sorry to be multi-handed!!:A couple of years ago,following several neurologists,when describing my resulting cognitive difficulties,would say :”On the one hand it could be…On the other hand it could be….Or it could be….Or it could be [or is] all of those…or none of those..”.I finally told my chief neurologist that what I wanted to find was a one-handed neurologist.Speaking plain English for a change,he replied :”It could be any,or all,those things.We may never know.The important question is ‘What can we do to help’.”) You might wait to tell your family.but may wish to come out slowly,choosing people you know you can trust.
My advise:don’t wait any longer than you must.You’re right:Life is brief,youth briefer.Your advantage,SP,is that you’ve accepted yourself____my fault was that, for me,it took MANY YEARS.
BEST LUCK,SP!!
December 4, 2011 at 12:59 pm
SP,
I have said it before and it is probably worth saying again: for some parents, receiving the news that they have a gay son or daughter is like receiving the news that they have a terminal illness. They go through the four stages of grief–denial, anger, bargaining (reparative therapy?), and finally acceptance. This is not true in all cases as we have read on this blog. The important point is, most of these parents eventually get to acceptance. If you think this may be the likely response of your parents, do you have the patience and fortitude to go through the process with them? If you love yourself and your parents, it may be worth the adventure. In Tobias’ case, however, the grief process was short-circuited by rejection and he had to create a new happy ending on his own. What a terrible predicament.
My heart goes out to you. Eventually, it will get better as trite as that may sound to you today.
December 4, 2011 at 2:00 pm
@SP: Always remember you have many out here who understand what you’re going through. Reactions of family are hard to predict. Some get the reaction they expected, be it positive or negative. Some get the opposite of what they expected. Some, like me, get a negative reaction (although I have to admit it was a mild negative), and then after a period of time the reaction either softens some or total acceptance comes. I’m still hoping for total acceptance once I have a partner.
It sounds like you are prepared for the worst, which is all you can do. And hopefully you aren’t outed before that time as others have been.
It’s hard to imagine how parents can react so harshly but I was reminded by another comment that parents’ hopes and dreams for their kids rarely lack a spouse with kids. Not that they are selfish, it’s just that it has been like this for centuries. Once they adjust to the new reality and get their own reactions in check, once they reevaluate their own priorities (like unconditional love), they tend to come around to some form of acceptance, either begrudgingly or fully.
When I came out I read something that made a lot of sense. It took me years to figure out I was gay and to finally accept it. Therefore, it was unfair of me to expect my parents to come to acceptance immediately, or even within weeks, months or years. They have to go through a similar process that you went through. Most are concerned for the type of life you might end up leading. Some of what they imagine is, of course, totally incorrect being based only on what they know, which isn’t much, and which is often the worst case scenario.
The few who let religion dictate their reaction also do so out of a misguided form of love. While it might not mean anything to us, they are concerned for your eternal salvation. All you can do in that situation is to listen to their concerns and assure them that you hear what they say. But in the end your salvation is between you and God. I had to do that, and still do from time to time.
Anyways, all that to say, you are in my thoughts, and my prayers. You plan sounds like a good one. All the best to you.
December 4, 2011 at 3:45 pm
With respect to parents’ misconceptions of the gay world, I should like to say that in my case my family met my gay boyfriends before they learned I was gay. I think meeting my friends, just regular guys, reassured them that I had not entered some strange, self-destructive underworld and that I would be okay in my future life. My sister married a guy from Thailand. That probably jolted their expectations too and it was okay. Thwarted expectation is one of life’s upsets. We all have them. Most of us adapt with grace.
December 3, 2011 at 4:21 am
Of course I would. And I did. It’s called integrity!
December 4, 2011 at 6:39 pm
@Adam:
That you were able to ,and did come out,Adam,is great,and it WAS/IS INTEGRITY!! However,while I imagine it was never your intention,your integrity comment could be felt by many people [not,thankfully,myself] as a judgement:Far too many are in no position to exercise that integrity.More tragically,many can’t exercise it by accepting themselves.As one who,for far too long was in that category,I urge you to consider them.
December 4, 2011 at 7:51 pm
I think we are getting off track here if we assume that integrity means that, if you are gay, you must come out to have integrity. Integrity means honesty and it also means adherence to moral or ethical principles. Or, as Wayne says below, being true to your conscience. Anyone who has ever grappled with questions of ethics or morals knows that the issues are often quite complex and not black/white. Some of us have taken oaths of marriage or military service, etc before we honestly dealt with our sexual identity. Sexual identity itself is not a black/white determination as we have seen; there can be gray areas.
When I entered the service in 1965, the questionnaire asked did I have “homosexual tendencies” not “are you homosexual.” That threw me for a loop. What did it mean by “tendencies?” Doesn’t every guy have at least a few? (I was still confused.) I answered No.
Several years later, I came out to myself with the help of a friend. What was the ethical thing to do, turn myself in or make good on my oath to serve out my enlistment as a closeted gay? The Navy had a huge investment in my specialized training and I was a valuable member of the crew. I decided to continue to serve and do my best. That was my ethical decision and it is what my conscience told me to do. I hope I had integrity. I never lied by saying I was straight. They never asked, thanked goodness. They probably didn’t want to know the answer. That was their ethical decision: what will best serve this ship and its mission?
December 3, 2011 at 4:49 am
Of course I would. How can you (a) be honest about and (b) stand up for something in life if you can’t (a) be honest about and (b) stand up for yourself? Integrity is key – never compromise yourself or how you live for others. There’s a reason our community calls each other “family” though we are not necessarily related by blood.
December 4, 2011 at 6:44 pm
@Eric:
Nice sentiment,Eric,but if you read these posts,you’ll see that many have neither the situation to allow them that integrity,nor the means,physically to reach the gay community,which,BTW,is not always so welcoming.
December 3, 2011 at 6:28 am
Coming out takes courage, no doubt about that. I know it’s simple for some, but for others it’s painful, difficult, or down-right dangerous.
For many, it comes down to integrity. But honestly, for those who made decisions for whatever reason, does that mean we lack integrity? I sure hope you don’t mean that.
In truth, integrity is being true to your conscience. Many of us cannot, in good conscience, just come out for some idealistic moment of truthfulness. For some, we might be homeless, or worse, beaten for coming out. Yes, it would eventually lead to our freedom, and to hell with family if they’d do that to us. But that decision is called self-preservation.
There are many, many more who’s only outlet is to come online. And for them, integrity means staying alive long enough to be honest, and selfless. Many of these souls live in countries where they kill homosexuals. Many, if they were allowed to live, would see their families humiliated and shunned, or perhaps worse. And as much as they would be free, they cannot allowed their families to suffer for their own gain.
I’m sorry if I sound like I’m attacking. Perhaps I am. I just don’t want to see those who aren’t fortunate enough to live in freedom to feel guilty because they didn’t come out.
When it comes down to it, each and every one of us has our own decision to make. Integrity for you may be one thing. Integrity for someone in the middle east may mean something completely different.
I wish I could wake up to a world where none of this matters, where everyone can be who they truly are. I know I won’t. And that really sucks.
December 3, 2011 at 10:56 am
I agree, Wayne. Coming out is a highly personal decision and no two people’s lives are identical. The main thing, I think, is to be comfortable with oneself and not to pretend to be something that one is not. There was a time when coming out in public was simply not an option. Homosexuality was considered to be a mental disorder, the sodomy laws criminalized our activities, and discrimination was common. In my case, I came out to my closest friends and family in 1968 when I was in the service. I was an ambitious person and I was not willing to sacrifice my career, all those years of education and specialized training to share the details of my private, sexual life. Perhaps I was just fortunate. My decision was to maintain plausible deniability. I never declared myself gay and I never pretended to be straight. Most people will figure things out for themselves. No one ever challenged me about being gay, not in the service or in my later career. I have always lived in more liberal-minded areas of the U.S. Most Americans are decent individuals who are willing to live and let live as long as one is not in their faces about one’s sexual identity. My situation was not the best of all possible worlds, but I was able to balance it out. As time passed and I earned the respect of others with whom I worked, I was able to come out to more people. My story is true for most guys of my generation. Most large cities today have large gay communities for good reason. Cities offer anonymity one does not find in small towns and rural areas. They also offer gay community where one can be comfortable being oneself in one’s gay pursuits. They offer a greater opportunity for participation in civic (and religious)life.
I really feel terrible about gays in countries where homosexuality is punishable by torture or death. My only solution would be to allow them to emigrate to the U.S. or Europe as special cases for consideration. I often forget that we are talking to the world on this blog and not just to those in the good, old U.S.A.
December 3, 2011 at 11:01 pm
@Wayne:
Right,Wayne !!!!!!
Wish I had known,that everyone knew that it doesn’t matter.Why can’t we all know that people are people,flesh is flesh,and that regardless of whether anything comes after:Life is short?
December 4, 2011 at 3:21 pm
I agree with Wayne (except for the use of “selfless” as a desirable trait), and with JoelJ. Life is about the pursuit of happiness and nobody owes the world at large or the world of family and friends a discussion of one’s sexuality. In the long run, the pursuit of happiness will be served best by living an open and honest life, but I have advised many young men to keep their sexuality hidden temporarily if they fear the consequences of disclosure would be a traumatic disruption of their lives. I waited longer than I should have to learn whether my wife and kids could love me as the good gay husband and dad I’ve been (they did and do), but I managed to live a generally happy life during all those years in the closet. Few of us get to live lives of perfect integrity and happiness.
December 4, 2011 at 5:21 pm
thank you wayne for making that point
i was raised in a conservative muslim family in kuwait , nobody comes out publicly in kuwait or anywhere else in the middle east
for them being gay is a sin that must be hidden and be ashamed of …
gay people try to find room for compromise with religion (they’re like i am gay and i will have sex wih men but if i remain discreet about it and pray to god to forgive me then i will be forgiven)
because in islam if you are commiting a sin god will be angry at you and if you committing it publicly and openly then god will be even more angier !
in islam homosexuality is a sin that shakes god’s throne …man f**k that s**t ! islam is nothing more than a cleverly designed mental trap meant to entrap people in an “optimized” mental state and trap is desigend to create a religious utopia (where homosexuals and perhaps other religions and sects have no place in that utopia)
thank god i rejected islam and became an athiest (haha) but i still have to pretend to be a muslim infront of my family until i graduate and get a job and maybe leave the middle east
why not come out now ? well i wanna have a good job that pays well and i am not willing to give that up
December 3, 2011 at 10:16 am
Well, if i didn’t come out it would mean i was giving up of myself. i did loose everything, but i always had my life in my hands, and i never had to live in fear of been caught. cause that i would not be able to handle… so, i believe i would do again all i did before.
December 3, 2011 at 10:23 am
I’m a 29 year old g0y virgin currently in the closet and have been so for 16+ years. While I believe my sister would support me, my own conservative parents are homophobic. The church they belong to is voting whether to secede from the Presbytery for ordaining gay ministers and have personally stated they will leave if the measure fails to pass. I’ve always been considered the “good kid”. Also, I’m a federal employee working for a largely conservative agency. While things have changed, I’m reminded of the maxims “The grown man knows the world he lives in and for the present, that world is Rome [straight]” and “All things are lawful for me but not all things are profitable”. Complicating my life further is a friendly coworker I met four years ago who I felt drawn to on a level never felt before or since. However, he was straight and I’ve done everything I could to distance myself from him. Now that he’s in a new department, I’m wondering if I destroyed what could have been a great friendship. Having said all that, I think many of us do these things for others because we care about them. Increasing knowledge often increases sorrow and the cultural norms at least got us this far. I’m thankful to be living in America where while it’s not the best for same-sex intimacy, it’s also not the worst and I both blame and thank the Judeo-Christian foundations of our nation. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks and I have faith the next generation will be progressive, open-minded and have the wisdom to deal with such things.
December 3, 2011 at 2:45 pm
@Anonymous:
Dear Anonymous (certainly are a lot of anonymouses here:I’m afraid that’s part of the problem_it was mine for too many years!!!):
I feel for you deeply,especially from my own life’s experiences:You may have read my story [not the first time I've told it on BTI] in the earlier comments___bill(Guillermo3).
I too experienced recently[over Thanksgiving weekend] the dis-appointing religious thing_Was considering coming out to my sister[who might have been shaken,but who will always accept me] &
to her husband,a Methodist minister,who would like to be a far-right Presbyterian.He and I were discussing the Episcopal Church in America,because a friend of mine wants to become an Anglo-Catholic priest.My bro-in-law said both the American Episcopal and British Anglican churches are in trouble because their laities are outraged over their hierarchies’ sanctioning ordination of gay clergy___an outrage of which he both approves & shares.So much for coming out to him!!!
Other than empathy and sorrow for your situation,I have this advice:If you’re not sure about coming out yet}Don’t,or come out only to a few people you trust.Wherever you are,there are surely other gays,closeted,or not,and one of them might be a good confidant.As I think you said in one of your posts [if not you,then several others,including me],youth & beauty are fleeting.If you have to be secretive,that’s a shame_of course,be careful,but act on your sexual desires ASAP!!
anonymous:Best Luck!!
December 3, 2011 at 6:10 pm
@bill(Guillermo3): I think I must be misreading one of the things you said. Ordinarily, I agree with much of what you say but have to ask that you clarify the comment, “act on your sexual desires ASAP!”
If what you mean is “Anonymous” should put himself out there so that he might meet “mister right”, then okay. However, I wouldn’t agree with encouraging somebody to have sex just for the sake of having sex. That’s a big problem, not only in the gay community but straight as well. There is nothing wrong with being sexual; I’m all for it but I think we could all benefit from being a little less-inclined to have one-night stands and hookups.
Sex is by NO MEANS dirty; it’s great but I think there are a lot of people who, in the process of coming out, think that “hooking up” is necessary in discovering who they are. In doing so many end up getting hurt because of unrealistic expectations, etc. Better to take the time to get to know somebody better — and THEN take it to the next level, most times (unless both parties are clearly only looking to have some fun with no attachments, in which case that’s perfectly okay too). I’m not trying to judge anybody who’s hooking up; I was a total slut in my younger years but if I had it all to do over again, I’d probably slow the race down just a tad.
Still, I am not (and would never be) a saint so please, don’t for a minute, think I’m on the attack here. I just believe I’m likely misinterpreting your comment somehow (and if I am, I’m sure there are others who are confused by it as well).
Take care,
Michael
December 4, 2011 at 4:05 pm
By executive order, President Obama has directed all federal agencies to institute non-discrimination clauses in their personnel policies for GBLT employes. The next president could reverse the order, but for now that is some small progress. MLK’s arc of justice is slow; slowly but surely we are moving toward the promise of equal justice for all under the law.
December 6, 2011 at 2:16 pm
@Anonymous/Inquisitor3010:
Hello Anonymous Inquisitor (sonds Darth Vader-ishly scary!),
I wrote you a longish note yesterday [BTW,The offer for e-mail contact still stands],but forgot to ask:What do you mean when you use the term “gOy”? Is it a typo for guy/for gay? All I can think of is goy [gentile] with a capital O.One would assume that being,or having been a Presbyterian,you are a goy.Perhaps that’s a new movement I’ve not been aware of__Goy Pride.
Anyway,while the ‘net isn’t a substitute for living,you might check out some youtube vids.I suggest couver87 for funny,thoughtful gay-oriented essays,and for pure prurience & fun:Angeyoann, JJ Prods and JJ strikes back AND Edilson Naciemento.
December 6, 2011 at 8:08 pm
@bill(Guillermo3): OMG! Yes!!! John (couver87 on youtube — http://www.youtube.com/user/Couver87) is ABSOLUTELY a prize and a pleasure to watch. He’s a great guy; friendly and sincere, located in AZ (attending college).
December 8, 2011 at 3:01 am
Try being 30 something and in a similar situation…. Good luck to you.
December 3, 2011 at 12:03 pm
It would help me to have something of my own that no one could take away first, like my own pad. The rest I couldn’t be bothered with. If it can be lost that simply, it wasn’t ever worth having.
You can’t live your live to please other people.
December 3, 2011 at 3:18 pm
Coming out to conservative family and friends can certainly be difficult. It can also set you free. I hope that living my life as an open gay man demonstrates to other more conservative, and some close minded individuals, that we aren’t all that different. People tend to fear what they don’t know or understand.
December 3, 2011 at 3:42 pm
@Glen:,@Everyone:
Glen,et als,
A great & funny vid on gays defining ourselves is on youtube by couver87.
December 3, 2011 at 4:03 pm
There’s also the nuance: Do you have to be out to everyone? My family, for example. We are not particularly close. I have dinner with my parents and my sister occasionally, but otherwise they are not part of my life. I know coming out to my parents (both in their 80′s) would bother them incredibly. If I don’t need/require their support, is NOT coming out to them the more loving thing to do?
I have a huge ‘family’ of other gay people who I spend most of my free time with. Why would I want to come out to my biological family who mean far less to me and would be hurt by my coming out.
Coming out is not all or nothing. It can, and in certain situations should be, selective.
December 3, 2011 at 4:36 pm
@Vic:
You’re absolutely right,Vic !! One can be at least as selective about whom one comes out to,& when,as
choosing a friend,a lover,or a new pair of shoes!!
December 3, 2011 at 6:32 pm
@MichaelM:
MichaelM,
You seem like a very kind & supportive person [and you certainly post a lot].
All I was trying to advise Anonymous was not to make the great mistakes I’ve made.Obviously,it’s always better to have sex with someone he/she can relate to.However for people like myself,and from his posts,it seems Anonymous,brought up in a strict “no-sex” religious environment,the step to sex for sex can be as big as accepting one’s-self,or coming out.
December 5, 2011 at 8:55 pm
to Guillermo3 & MichaelM–I wanted to thank you for your thoughtfulness and support. It really means a lot to me. I’m sorry you regretted your Thanksgiving experience. Thank you for pointing out the errors of posting as anonymous. There appears to be a real, polite, and in-touch community here. I’ll stick to Inquisitor3010 for now to differentiate myself.
I admit in living a closeted life, I had to publicly distance myself from gay lifestyle at home so my contact with gay/g0y culture is limited. I still managed to enjoy Torchwood, Oz, Six Feet Under, Brothers and Sisters, etc, under other auspices as well as sneakin an occasional peek at AfterElton.com. In some cases, I’ve lived a somewhat “sheltered” life and in other instances, pretended to be clueless on the ways of the world (no one suspects you’re g0y/gay if you pretend to not be interested in sex). So hooking up with a long-term or even a short-term relationship will be difficult without family finding out (darned 6 degrees of separation…) I’m living in a large city away from most but not all of my family but it’s even harder to “connect” with others beyond a relationship besides work. Having said that, I’ll still try to get out there more while coming back here more often. Thank you again and Merry Christmas.
December 3, 2011 at 6:51 pm
In all honesty, I’d love to say that I could, because it’s SO important to live your life the way that you want to. However, I already find it difficult in some circumstances to come out to people because I’m afraid of what I would lose if they found out.
I’m currently a Masters of Accounting student at the University of Iowa (I did both undergraduate and graduate work here) and I sit on the Executive Board of the GLBTAU shameless plug: http://www.uiowa.edu/~glbtau) at our school, so I’m pretty open about my sexuality in school and in the work place. However, there have been a few classes that I’ve taken where I was very afraid to come out to anyone. These classes were almost pure torture for me. I was never able to make friends, and I couldn’t feel comfortable in my own classroom. The only good thing about these classes…. They would end.
Now if you put me in a life-long situation like that, I would probably be more likely to shoot myself in the foot than to keep it a secret any longer. So I really don’t know what I’d do, probably find another place where I could actually be myself, and not need to hide who I am.
December 3, 2011 at 7:08 pm
@Turk:
Turk (nice name!!),
Your situation is bad,at least as far as those classes you mention,but I think many of us are,or have been there.My advice is to put up with it for the short term_Besides,no one can predict what unexpected & positive developments may occur.For the longer run:Shooting yourself in the foot wouldn’t be good_better than shooting yourself in the head,BUT AGAIN:Who knows what,or how things may develop.
Best luck!!
December 3, 2011 at 7:29 pm
No I would not you need to learn to prioritise what more important?
I Know people that could lose a lot more than a job and family if they came out IT COULD BE WORSE
December 9, 2011 at 2:04 am
@Jack:
Worse in what way,Jack?
I think we’re all aware of bullying,beatings,sometimes killings of young gays in this country,and of gays of any age in places like Uganda.Do you mean “punishments” other than ostracism,or occasional harassment in the U.S.? Not that those things are insignificant,but,thankfully,more and more cities,counties,and states have passed,or are considering hate crimes laws that specifically include anti-LGBT harassment. I am curious to know more.
December 3, 2011 at 7:31 pm
I just felt that I needed to give the 100th comment so childish lol
December 3, 2011 at 9:00 pm
@Jack:
Well,Jack,
You maybe childish,but,as yet this site doesn’t have the fx for virtual drool !!
Guess this makes me 101___BTI remedial?
December 3, 2011 at 9:46 pm
Get a life!
December 3, 2011 at 10:03 pm
@Joel:,@Jack:
Me,Joel? ,or Jack?!?
December 3, 2011 at 11:53 pm
@Guillermo
You asked for a remedy. I had one.
December 4, 2011 at 12:07 am
@Joel J:
What the feek are you talking about,Joel?!
December 4, 2011 at 6:38 am
@Guillermo
Wasn’t your post asking for a remedy to BTI addiction?
December 4, 2011 at 7:37 am
@Joel J: Get a pair of glasses or clean those you have. He said “remedial” – NOT “remedy.” Even so, I think most here will agree that your comment came off as pompous and rude.
December 4, 2011 at 8:45 am
I am a member of the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network(SLDN), which was largely responsible for overturning the military’s Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. Our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters serving in the military who are also legally married are prohibited by the Defense of Marriage Act(DOMA) from receiving the same family support and benefits their straight counterparts receive.
SLDN is fighting in federal court and in Congress to have the DOMA overturned. The repeal of DOMA would benefit all gay and lesbian couples who are legally married and their children. If you would like to lend your support to the fight with a financial contribution, you may send it to:
Servicemembers Legal Defense Network
PO Box 65301
Washington, DC 20035-5301
December 4, 2011 at 8:48 am
@Michael M.
Thanks for your comment. Guillermo3 and I are friends and in his private communication he often refers to his net addiction. My comment was intended as an inside joke. Sorry you misunderstood.
December 4, 2011 at 9:39 am
@Joel J: LOL… (re. inside joke) Apologies then. Unfortunately, those subtle nuances of conversation seldom translate over the Internet—leading to misunderstandings such as these. Besides, i think I got up way too early this morning. ROFL! Need to get a bit more rest, me thinks.
December 4, 2011 at 12:22 pm
@Michael M
That’s okay. This blog is really not the place for inside jokes. I read Guillermo3′s post and his reference to “BTI remedial” as self-deprecating humor and I responded with one of my wisecrack asides. If he took me wrongly and was offended, I am sure he will forgive me. We are friends and sometimes both of us mis-communicate.
December 5, 2011 at 3:08 am
@ Joel J. / Jack / Michael M & Bill (Guillermo3) -
Maybe if everyone quit responding to Bill (Guillermo3) directly, a life he would have and an addict he would no longer be. LOL.
No I haven’t misread anything, just following the comments and adding my 2 cents.
Once again – Joke Only – LOL.
December 4, 2011 at 12:26 am
For me my answer is simple—Yes, I would give up everything I had to come out. In fact, I took that risk not so long ago. I am proud to say I didn’t lose everything!
I am a US Soldier currently deployed to Afghanistan and assigned to an Infantry Brigade. The thought of publically coming out to everyone was scary but the drive to live my life honestly and with integrity outweighed that fear. My battle buddies deserved the truth. They had been 100% honest about themselves to me, I had to return the favor. The military instills a set of values into and when you aren’t meeting those values it tears you up inside. It was killing me that I wasn’t being honest about who I really am to the guys that have my back while out on a mission or patrol. For me it always was a matter of when I would tell them not if I would tell them.
When they all found out. (the largest newspaper in my state did a front-page story on me being a gay Soldier) I received nothing but the warmest welcome from my infantryman peers. They still loved me and have gone out of their way to make sure that those outside of our group treat me with respect and dignity that every human being deserves.
December 4, 2011 at 6:36 am
What a great story. Robert. I understand completely, having served four years aboard a Navy ship. Most of the guys in my division knew or suspected I was gay and it was okay, yet I could not tell them, otherwise I would have been summarily removed from the ship and discharged. To this day, I regret that I was not able to be totally honest with them.. In many respects they were my brothers. I think about you guys deployed in Iraq and Afghanistan every day. The day DADT ended was a day of liberation for every gay and lesbian servicemember. In my case, it came 40 years too late. Better late than never.
December 4, 2011 at 7:57 am
In your case, I think the most important thing that we can say is, “Thank you for your service, Robert!” You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers. My cousin’s stepson only returned from Iraq within the last year and these actions are taking a toll on all those who serve our country. (It was obvious to me when I heard how “B” reacted just by being in the car with my cousin and passing by an area where there had been an accident that had taken out the barrier alongside the road. He drew back in surprise, caught off-guard by the damaged railing—and then laughed it off when he noticed my cousin observing him. He’s only twenty-two, recently married and a new father. Point is, it takes a toll and I appreciate the sacrifice for your country.)
I also understand what you are saying about honesty and values. (I see that you are a fellow photographer; I’ll have to browse your site.) Take care and stay safe!
December 5, 2011 at 10:40 am
thanks for your service Robert.i will stop by a local military recruitment center nearby the workout club i go to.i need to as i served in the U.S.Army at Fort Jackson,S.C.Coming out is so much better and our nation benefits from our diversity.and im so very much proud-to be an American these days.its because of people-like you.Again-Thank You.
December 4, 2011 at 7:36 am
Yes, I would absolutely come out, regardless of the cost. I was 17 years old when I came out in December 1982 — as a matter of fact, exactly 29 years ago tomorrow (Dec. 5) — and looking back on three decades of fun, fright, stress, and satisfaction, I wouldn’t have it any other way. To paraphrase “La Cage Aux Folles”, I am who I am and I need no explanation.
December 4, 2011 at 9:50 am
Wish I have tho courage to say “yes”, but no!
December 4, 2011 at 12:09 pm
I think I would … being myself is more important to me than keeping everything around me by lying. But that’s easy for me to say because I am myself and still have everything.
December 4, 2011 at 12:40 pm
@MichaelM:,@JoelJ:
Thank you Michael M,for your responses concerning Joel’s & my comments:by “101,BTI Remedial”,I was referring to remedial courses that entering college students must take when they’ve failed to qualify on entry level skills.For example:In my day[sometime briefly after the end of the last Ice Age],we called English 101 “Dummy English”.
You are correct,Michael,Joel’s comment was [un-intentionally] hurtful____I went to bed thinking,
“Oh no! Another internet asshole.”
Joel J:You are correct,I do have a self-described ‘net addiction,and YES!_I should get a life.However,as you wrote when I made a similar mistake,a few weeks ago,we shouldn’t mix personal,private and BTI communications.
Michael,and Joel:
Best,
bill(Guillermo3)
December 4, 2011 at 1:41 pm
I stepped on it this morning. I apologize to all for my insensitive remark.
December 4, 2011 at 2:30 pm
@Wayne:,@SP:
Wayne,You’re so right when you say what parents know about gay life is either nothing,or worse:WRONG!_Based on stereotypes:Many people think all gays are disco-addicted party animals and completely a-moral.Some straight men think we’ll have sex with anything in pants[0r with balls].and many think gays want to rape them.Speaking for myself,and I’m sure for many,or most,others:I have more straight friends than gay,but whatever my desires or fantasies,would NEVER dis-respect their heterosexuality.
Sometimes the misconceptions are laughable [except that they can lead to discrimination & hurt]:I remember ,years ago,after the beginnings of the AIDS plague,that many people thought that you would contract AIDS just by being gay.I remember one straight friend’s mother warning him to be careful around his out friend,because of the danger of infection.Ignorance ai’nt bliss.
December 4, 2011 at 3:49 pm
@Bill:from bill(Guillermo3)
Congratulations,Bill!!!!!____That’s very moving!
December 4, 2011 at 4:44 pm
Would I come out if it meant Losing everything? Yes, I would…
I would come out if it meant losing everything. But I stand by these rules:
– Theres more to life then work… (And plenty of jobs out there)
– They are not true friends if they don’t like you for who you are, and if they don’t, then there is
someone out there that will love you for you. Trust me on these one.
– Family generally will heal over time and love and support you for you. But within that said…
Assuming they don’t. Then there is a community out there that loves you for you and support
you.
At the end of the day, be true to yourself. We have one life, let’s live it to the most and enjoy every moment of it.
Remember: Your never alone. There are people out there that will support and love you. Good Luck.
December 4, 2011 at 7:27 pm
@saud:
Heart goes out to you,saud,but you’re right too often you[we,everyone] must “do what you gotta do”.
Ironic,isn’t it,that in so much of Islamic culture,even classical Islamic culture,homosexuality was praised in literature & widespread in practice,from Persepolis to Damascus,from Baghdad to Istanbul.(Unfortunately [in my view],a lot of it took the form of pedophilia).As a non-Muslim in India once told me:”The laws are made up there.The practice happens down here.”
December 4, 2011 at 8:05 pm
@Guillermo3
Was that pederasty owing to Greek influence do you think? My we have some fun here please?
December 6, 2011 at 1:24 pm
your right bill
unfortuately some people in the middle east associate homosexuality with pedophilia
they see homosexuals as sick perverts who shouldn’t be anywhere near children
they don’t know the difference between the two
there is also a common belief that people who are gay have been molested as children and that is why behave in such a way (which is not true but then again these people don’t care much for facts)
the majority gay guys or girls have not been molested when they were little
the majority of children who were molested turned out to be hetrosexual
December 4, 2011 at 8:05 pm
I came across this blog post last night regarding religion (not just christianity) and how they treat people. It was very thought provoking and if you read it through, and then the followup that he posts, it had quite the impact on a lot of people.
http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html
The point he makes is that most of the major religious have, at their core, Love! It’s a shame the many in those religious seem to either forget that part, or explain away how love means saying things that hurt for the good. <– to which I say, bull crap!
Very definitely worth the read.
December 4, 2011 at 9:50 pm
@Wayne
I clicked on the link and read Dan’s essay Christian unless you’re gay. I was deeply moved by it. The first two responses in the comments scared me. How can anyone equate hate and love? That construction is absolutely Orwellian to my way of thinking. I have heard Christians say, “hate the sin, love the sinner.” before, but never “hate the sinner.” No wonder we are in such deep trouble about homosexuality and other behaviors considered “sinful.”
December 4, 2011 at 10:53 pm
@Joel J: I totally agree with you about the first two. Some people haven’t got a clue about what love is, and about what Jesus taught. Plus the one person miss-quoted a scripture which says do NOT judge or you will be judged. Idiots.
December 5, 2011 at 3:41 am
@Jason(+J.):
Nice to hear from you Jason+ !!
Actually,Joel and I had a little private,amicable e-mail exchange over the whole mess.Amazing how easy mis-communication is,eh?
Anyway,sorry I haven’t written anything more to you yet (speaking of mixing the private & public):
Time just gets away,life or no life.
bill(Guillermo3)
December 5, 2011 at 6:10 am
@Jason (+J)
Well, thanks for your two cents. Do you use cents in Australia? I should have thought it was pence. This blog was quite a read, no? I’m mentally drained. The personal stories and comments light up all the latent memory circuits in my brain. I think it was a discussion well worth having. BTI gives new meaning to the concept of gay community. I tease Bill, but I have become an addict in my own right. It rained here all weekend (a welcome end to drought) and, except for running my dogs, I spent the entire weekend indoors—–on the net.
Help!
December 6, 2011 at 4:40 am
@ Joel J – My comment is “awaiting moderation”. I have responded.
December 8, 2011 at 4:58 am
@ Joel J – Looks like my reply to you isn’t being posted. In short, we use dollars and cents. At the moment (and for most of the year) our dollar has been worth more than yours.
We had experienced nothing but drought conditions since before the turn the the millennium until our summer of disasters commencing last December (2010). From flooding to the vast majority of my home state (an area larger than Texas USA) to a Catagory 5 cyclone, we saw our dam capacity leap from below 20% to 150%. Needless to say the drought is over but water restriction remain in place. Now, another wet season has commenced.
I hope you do have other activities to attend to than just this blog and the computer though.
December 11, 2011 at 6:02 am
Davey / Administrator – Please feel free to remove any posts of mine that you feel requiring “moderating” before being published. Just as long as I know they haven’t been published, I’m perfectly happy knowing that conversations taking place here, in the form of posts, aren’t being ignored – totally – by the owner of this blog. In fact, I find it very comforting.
December 11, 2011 at 6:05 am
I also wish it was possible to retract a post in the event we make a typing error we’d like to fix. A narrow window to do a quick edit before a post is permanent would be useful / wonderful.
I mean to say “require” / “not requiring” up above.
December 11, 2011 at 6:23 am
@Jason,
I think you are overly concerned about your posts being “moderated” by Davey or a website administrator. That use of the verb “moderate” is not one used here in the States. Websites that do censor incoming posts usually state their policy on the blogsite and there is usually a noticeable delay between the time the post is submitted and it is displayed. Posts to BTI are all displayed within seconds of submission in my experience. You ought to consider also that your posts arrive here in the wee hours of the morning when servers and websites are routinely taken down for maintenance or updating. I have had a few posts that didn’t make it and I did not receive the “awaiting moderation” message. Is it possible the moderation is at your end of the transmission? Or at some server node in between?
December 11, 2011 at 6:59 am
@ Joel J -
Your comment is awaiting moderation.
I have 2 posts, both replies to you that have the above message attached to them. They have been waiting a week now and disappeared from view and one point. I’m not that precious about them being included in the blog or not. I had since posted an alternative reply anway. So this doesn’t concern me too much at all. It’s a tad annoying, but it’s not the be all and end all of by BTI experience.
The owner of this blog maintains the right to include and remove whatever they wish at will afterall, don’t they? Without offering an explanation? And I’m cool with that.
December 5, 2011 at 7:38 am
In response to your question Davey, i’d have to say that when I did come out to my family and the rest of my friends (as I already had a close knit group of friends that knew I was gay) a lot did indeed change. I told my mom through a text when I was out with some friends, on June 15th of this year, and we texted about it for awhile. When I got home she barely said two words. Even when I deliberately try to talk to her or my father about my sexuality or problems i’m having with other people at school and stuff about my sexuality they just shoot me down. My parents talk to me even less, and expect me to do most things myself. Anything I need or want is suddenly expected by them to be paid for by me. I’m only 15 and I already have a job. Understandably a 15 year old with a job is nothing new but when your working as a house-maid cleaning offices, apartments, and houses just so you can buy your own clothes because your parents refuse, I think there’s something wrong. Then my dad he always has something to say. He finds out i’m texting a guy in the car he yells at me, we drive by a cute guy in the neighborhood and I look he’ll yell. He’s one of those classic “keep it in the bedroom or i’ll kick your ass” types. And with my mother she’s the classic “I love you but if I catch you kissing a guy in front of me i’ll bitch slap you” type.
My life did change, a lot, from coming out but even if I hadn’t already I wouldn’t cancel making the decision to come out. My family life may not be perfect, hell it’s border-line terrible, but that doesn’t change the fact that coming out was one of the single most amazing decisions I’ve ever made in my life.
December 8, 2011 at 3:45 am
@Mathew:
Mathew,That’s great! Congratulations!!!
December 5, 2011 at 10:25 am
that depends-coming out today isnt in most cases-damaging.we have laws in some states against firing someone for their orientation.still much needs to be done.DOMA-needs to be undone-as well as ENDA-employee non-discrimination act.we have support today-the internet and glbt organisations and social service agencies.so-would i come out-if it meant-losing something or all?Yes.
December 5, 2011 at 10:30 pm
@Inquisitor3010,aka Anonymous:
Thanks Anonymous/ Inquisitor3010,
For your note,and best of luck to you!! I’m glad for you that you’re dealing with your issues at a relatively young age __very regretful that I did not,but happy if I can help anyone through it all & avoid the waste.You might say that I’m good at giving advice,not good at taking it.One of the advantages of the digital age [which I was dragged into kicking & pouting,and still don't love] is that blog sites like BTI exist.When I was young there was nothing,except rather sleazy “alternative” newspapers,and being the late ’60s,they were largely salacious affairs with a”Do it now,Do it to/with anything” attitude.When the AIDS plague hit,some gay liberation pioneers,like John Rechy,yelled that all the warnings were a plot to drive gays back in the closet[the BAD old days].
You don’t mention what large city you’ve moved to,but I’m sure there is a gay scene here.Perhaps you should find it,and at least observe,even if you don’t feel ready to join it.Also,most sizable cities &towns have GLBT support groups and community centers.You might want to contact the main one here in Philadelphia is Williamway. You might want to contact them at waygay.org for reference to resources in your area,or to use theirs:I know they have councelling
on things like coming out and dating .I also know, from experience, can that moving to to a big city can be tough__lots of opportunities,but very isolating/alienating.When I moved here in ’76from rural Ohio,with a friend,we both felt that way:For a couple of years we both hated the city&,eventually,came to hate each other.Fortunately,that changed in time.My only advice there is to get out as much as you can,explore the place as if you were on vacation,and to accept any invitations from co-workers,etc.If you drink,finding a comfortable neighborhood bar with a congenial crowd of regulars can help too.
Well,I guess that’s about it for my verbal diarrhea,except to say that if you won like to make e-mail contact,my address is:billhooper4484@yahoo.com_bit of a risk for me in writing that,as in the past,it’s given rise to several fake bill(Guillermo3)s,but I’ve made e-mail contact with 4 BTIers,only one of which turned out to be an asshole.
Best luck,Inquisitor/Anonymous,
bill(Guillermo3)
December 5, 2011 at 10:55 pm
Hey! I’m not an asshole. (joking! dry humor)… BTW, I just sent you an email. Feel free to share it with Joel J if you like.
@Inquisitor3010,aka Anonymous: Thank you for your kind words. If you ever want to correspond, you can send me a message from my blog (http://blog.quipsnquills.com) or if you talk to Bill, he is free to send it on to you. Don’t ever feel like you’re all alone in this world. I understand what it’s like to feel sheltered or a bit intimidated (or just not ready to) by the prospect of coming out — and I never recommend that anyone come out until HE OR SHE is prepared to do so, on their own timetable.
December 6, 2011 at 11:50 am
hello davey
I recently came out in October on the 11th. My parents as I am sure like all parents. Were shocked. They quickly judged and gave me a hard time. Suggesting that I be taken to a doctor. My father to a point said let me touch you there and we can see if you are gay or not. I was heart broken. Thou they are slowly getting use to the idea now. They have guilted me into keeping these away from my friends and other family. Only they know and my to younger siblings. They told me they would disown me and perhaps even kick me out of the house. We recently moved to Australia from South Africa. I feel alone. Thou I have met someone online that has been through it. And he is just an angel. Very supportive and loving. Thou i feel if i tell them they will disown me. WHAT SHOULD I DO???? IM SO SCARED!!!!!!
Please Help
Lots of love
Adrian
December 6, 2011 at 2:29 pm
Dear Adrian,
You did not say whether your parents opposition is based on their religious beliefs. You also did not say whether your younger siblings support you. See if there is a support group in your area for the parents of gays. If so, see if you can get your parents to attend one of their meetings. Another alternative might be to have your parents accompany you to a legitimate psychotherapist. If he is legit and not some referral from a church that subscribes to reparative therapy, he will tell them that your homosexuality is inborn and that it will be best for all if you are allowed to live your truth.
Others on this blog have been through your experience and, hopefully, they will have some supportive advice for you. I wish that everything turns out for the best.
December 6, 2011 at 3:18 pm
@adrian da siva:,@Jason(+J.):
Dear Adrian,
Sounds like you’re in a tough,and,unfortunately, not unusual situation !!
You don’t mention how old you are,or in what part of Australia you live. I’ve never been to either S.Africa or Australia,but I imagine Australia is a more gay-tolerant place,especially is you are in/have access to one of the larger cities like Sydney,Melbourne,Adelaide,or Canberra .Probably one,or all of those has a GBLT community center & counseling .One of the posters here,to whom I’ve co-addressed this message,is Jason(+J.),who lives in Australia.He & I have exchanged e-mail addresses,but obviously,it wouldn’t be proper to give his here without his permission.Mine is billhooper4484@yahoo.com.I’ll e-mail Jason and ask him if I can share his address,if you send me an e-mail so I have an address to forward his to.
Adrian,you might also use ‘net resources,such as Trevor’s Campaign and here in Philadelphia,PA,U.S.A. there’s the Williamway GBLT community center[waygay.org] that I’m sure can give you info on gay out-reach in Australia and/or counseling.
Best luck,Adrian,
bill(Guillermo3)
December 6, 2011 at 7:44 pm
@bill(Guillermo3): I agree that Australia is likely to be more gay tolerant than South Africa. However, that said I’ve a friend who lives there who is going through a very rough time right now. (Threats on the life of his boyfriend, because the two of them are gay.) Clearly, Australia is no different than some places right here in the states (unfortunately). It’s sad, really, that there are people whose prejudice run so deep that they cannot recognize how wrong they are for judging others for just being different. *sigh* Hope you are doing well today.
—Michael
December 7, 2011 at 5:25 am
To Adrian (cc – Bill (Guillermo3 & Michael M),
Adrian, if you happen to be in Queensland, especially Brisbane, there is a group call “Open Doors” that offers a support services to young gay people. You can google them for more information. If your are not in Brisbane, you may find a similar service is a city near you.
Melbourne has a gay radio station call “Joy FM” which is sure to have a website which could link you to help in your area. Otherwise I would suggest the Sexual Health Centre in your nearest capital city for support groups etc.
I’m certain with an internet search you could find some assistance. Otherwise, there is always kids helpline. It is a free call (1800 number), sorry you’d have to look that up, but you’ll find counselling services available there 24 / 7. It’s a good place to start and you could call it from your parent’s landline or a public phone without worrying about cost or it showing up on their bill.
An aside for Bill & Michael (yes I know you have longer identities but your full “BTI” identity has already been recognised so deal)….
While Australia may not be a utopia for the gay community (unlike Canada), I like to think we are fairly progressive… despite our political leaders (another story). As for Adelaide being a big city??? I think you’ll find Brisbane is a little more high profile, though Sydney and Melbourne are the countries biggest and Canberra is our nation’s capital.
Good luck Adrian. I’m not sure how much more I can help. My age might make directly associating with a teenager, on this topic, appear inappropriate. I can offer my moral support and hope I have pointed you, Adrian, in a direction that will lead to a better tomorrow for you.
@ All reading this – Am I mistaking in believing that love is “unconditional”. If you put conditions on love…. it isn’t love at all.
December 7, 2011 at 9:34 am
@Jason (+ J.): I fail to understand your “you have longer identities but your full ‘BTI’ identity has been recognized so deal” comment.” Sounds like a slight but if that’s what you wish to expend energy on, do it alone.
@Adrian, my initial comment to you (which is much longer and includes what I hope to be some helpful information) is still awaiting moderation for some freaking reason. Haven’t seen that in a long time so I’ll give it a day or so, then try and repost. The main thing: Stay strong and remember that you’re perfectly fine, just as you were created. There is no rush to tell the entire world and while you’re coping with the reactions of your family, I pray and hope they will turn around and realize in short order that you’re still the same beautiful person today that you were the day before you came out to them. Your sexual orientation is not what defines you; it’s but one of the many characteristics and facets that help to make you, distinctly and uniquely who you are.
Take care (((hugs))),
Michael
December 8, 2011 at 2:59 am
@ Michael M,
When you interact with Bill (Guillermo3) long enough you come to realise that he requires / prefers to be addressed as “Bill (Guillermo3)” not just “Bill”. He feels the comments / posts maybe directed at some other “Bill” otherwise. No offense intended. Mr. Bill (Guillermo3) is a touch particular. I was having what we Australian’s call “a lend”.
Meanwhile, what gives with the “comment awaiting moderation” deal? I’ve only just stumbled on it myself. Posted a response on the weekend and am still waiting for moderation…. 4 days and counting.
December 8, 2011 at 3:56 am
@Jason (+ J.) Regarding the comments awaiting moderation, I have no clue. I see that the one I submitted a couple of days is still in the queue, as well. It’s quite annoying. I mean, I blog rather frequently and I have the settings set so that comments have to be approved on my blog—but I check that queue frequently and approve all comments (save those that are personal attacks or clearly spam) right away. If DW is going to use the “comment moderation,” you’d think that the least he could do is check the damn queue once in a while to approve those that should be published. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t give two craps but the comment in question (that I made) was to somebody who appeared to be asking for help so I took the time to respond.
@DW Get off your butt already and check your queue of comments awaiting approval. LOL
December 8, 2011 at 5:05 am
@ Michael M – The comments I had waiting are no longer visible to me.
I think it’s a good thing that someone is monitoring what goes on here. As to whether it’s Davey himself or a service provider, I don’t know. I can’t imagine that he is a one man industry. If he is, he may not continue to be as his profile rises.
I don’t believe there is enough time in Davey’s day to keep tabs on all the comments posted, plan future posts, make talky blogs, and live!
Don’t forget, he gets comments on his Youtube channells (4 I believe), emails from this blog also plus live chat one a week. It’s mind boggling when I think about it.
December 8, 2011 at 6:48 am
As the earlier comment is STILL awaiting moderation… I’ll try resubmitting with a few changes regarding hyperlinks:
Adrian, I was at a bit of a loss as to what to say when I read the part where your dad said “let me touch you there and we can see if you are gay or not.” WTF? Not judging but that’s a reaction I never would’ve foreseen (if somebody hadn’t described it themselves). Anyway, I agree with both Joel J and Bill(Guillermo3) on this. See if there is a support group (such as PFLAG) in your area and gently bring up the idea with your parents. Given the information you’ve provided in your comment, I’m guessing you live in Melbourne, AU (I sent a nondescript message to “Adrian Da Silva” on facebook, with no mention of you being gay—feel free to respond there if you wish). A quick search on the net reveals that there is a chapter of PFLAG in Victoria. I will tell you the same thing that I tell every person who is thinking of coming out (or in your case, has recently done so); take your time and surround yourself with people you trust, who will support you emotionally. You said you recently moved to AU from South Africa so I realize you’re in a new environment and may not have made a lot of friends yet. This is, imo, another good reason to reach out to a group (like PFLAG) in your area; they can put you in touch with one or more people whose intentions will be to support you in whatever way that they can. Try not to be scared; fear only holds us back—it doesn’t solve anything (but “feeling afraid” is very natural so please don’t think you should feel ashamed for being afraid—it’s nothing to be ashamed of). You have our love; you’ve all the support I can give you. I didn’t send a friend request on facebook (only a message) because I’m generally very open about my being gay (and as well, I’m an old fart of 48-years)—did not want you to have to worry about the “gay by association” that your friends might have given you a hard time about, over there. But like I said, my initial message to “Adrian” over there was very general with no mention of his/your being gay (in case this wasn’t your profile). If you do not see the message, than I’m guessing there are two persons by the same name in Melbourne (in which case, if you want to reach out to me for support you can either contact me from my blog—click on my name above—or email me at MichaelM @ quipsnquills.com). Take care and consider yourself hugged. —Michael
December 8, 2011 at 8:02 am
@ MichaelM – creepy much? Stalking the guy isn’t helping him. Your heart is in the right place, but where’s your head at? By all means leave your contact details, but seriously dude! WTF? What are his current GPS co-ordinants?
@ Adrian – Yes, chapters of PFLAG exist here in Australia. Good suggestion. I neglected to mention that.
@ Patrick and Voldermort – If you’re following this: you’re younger and closer in age to Adrian, I’m assuming, then we are. Perhaps you guys would make for a better fit friend wise and advice wise, after all, you too are going through something mildly similar.
December 8, 2011 at 8:06 am
@ MichaelM – You’re good intentions could land you into some very serious s**t. Cyberstalking and internet predators are hot news topics in Australia at the moment.
December 8, 2011 at 9:38 am
@ Jason (+J.) Chill the hell out. You made your own opinion known with the “creepy much?” comment. The message was VERY nondescript and certainly wasn’t cyberstalking. For christ’s sake, the individual in question over there is approx 23.
December 9, 2011 at 5:24 am
@ MichaelM – What age? According to what? Your “research”? Any other personal details you want to share about this person, who may or may not be the person who posted here. After re-reading the original post I’m convinced it was written by someone a little younger than you’re suggesting. Why else would you have left so compelled to attempt to track him down too help. I’m perfectly chilled. I feel that it’s you who may need to chill. Don’t make this boy your personal crusade.
December 9, 2011 at 6:21 am
@ Jason (+J.) I sent “one” very non-descript message (only after determining that the person on FB was in his twenties). That was it and it was the end of it. I don’t know anything more than that and don’t care to. You’re the one going on and on about it, as if you’re on some crusade of your own, Jason. Were it not this, you’d STILL be going on and on about how Bill prefers to be addressed by the name he posts under (and I, for one, understand that as there might be any number of people in here posting under similar names at any time). Seriously dude, get a frakkin’ life already; the rest of us have ours. (Lends me to think you’re just jealous that we actually DO have lives outside of BTI. ROFL!!!! Whatever.)
December 9, 2011 at 8:10 am
May we have some comity here? It IS the season for peace and joy, afterall. BTW, I think Jason’s use of the word “moderation” is in the same sense as “moderator.” That makes sense to me. I didn’t get it at first. Have a merry……
December 10, 2011 at 12:10 am
@ Joel J – I recent posted something to this blog that wasn’t added immediately. Instead it came up with the words “comment awaiting moderation”. I gather you have not had this happen to you. Whether this means that the post needs to be modified before being included or a moderator has to look over it before inclusion, I don’t know.
@ Joel J – (cc Michael M) – Michael has experienced something similar while posting to this blog.
Yes, let’s have a little Community here. (That was a typo, yeah). I do do Christmas by the way. Crazy how you have to be careful these days. (Especially when it comes to privacy).
December 10, 2011 at 5:38 am
@Jason (J)
Mystery solved! Initially thought you were commenting on intemperate remarks. Have not had that “awaiting moderation” experience, but I have noticed that a few of my posts never got posted on BTI. Of course, in China, the “moderate” everything. Do you think our stuff is routed thru Beijing. Sorry, my spelling is not up to par at 3AM.
December 11, 2011 at 6:12 am
@ Joel J – Yes – Just picture it, a small internet sweat shop somewhere in a run down forgotten neighbourhood on the outskirts of the city. LOL.
December 11, 2011 at 7:29 pm
@Jason.
This is for your information. The National Security Agency (NSA) has supercomputers that monitor every overseas communication, both voice and electronic, entering the U.S. Any communication that is flagged as suspicious based on key words the computer is looking for is flagged and reviewed by a screener (moderator?). It is not a sweat shop operation. It is housed in a huge security complex at Ft.Meade, north of Washington, D.C. The thought was not so far-fetched after all. Don’t mean to make you paranoid; that’s just the way it has been since 9/ll and it is a practice that is highly controversial with civil libertarians. 1984 here we are.
December 12, 2011 at 2:50 am
@ Joel J – nearly 30 years to late.
December 6, 2011 at 7:43 pm
Davey,
A simple answer to the question — YES. I came out after 38 years of marriage. It was a struggle for about 10 years and when it finally happened, it was a terrible experience that brought me to the brink of suicide. While I was still in the hospital, I came out to my wife. Her short-term sympathy quickly turned to anger, rage and mistrust. My older daughter has not spoken to me since I came out to my wife, my younger daughter is still waiting for an apology for what I “did” to her mother, and my son has been hot and cold toward me ever since. That was 5 years ago and not much has changed since then. The irony of all of this is my older daughter works with and is good friends with many gay and lesbian people. My younger daughter also has many gay and lesbian friends, one couple in particular who were married in Canada. She considers these guys to be her example of “true married love.” My son has worked part time as a bartender in a gay bar and has become friends with many of the patrons. The woman I was married to was always extremely homophobic (as was her whole family), and has encouraged and stood behind our children’s behavior.
So, with all of this said, the answer to the question is again — YES, I am happy that I finally came out. No more agonizing over the struggles in my life. I have made many new friends, changed to a church that is open to God’s diverse creation, and best of all found a man who has taught and encouraged me to feel good about myself and to start living a happy life again.
It has not been easy to lose everything, a family that I birthed and raised and educated, a great house and thousands in legal expenses. However, I have gained a life that I can call mine and a wonderful partner who is loving, supportive and total fun to be with. I would not have believed this 5 years ago, and I won’t say that I have arrived, but I’m in a much better place than I ever was and that makes it all worth it.
Tom
December 6, 2011 at 8:13 pm
(((hugs))) OMG… What more could I say? I applaud you for your courage and am very glad you’re in a much better situation today.
December 6, 2011 at 8:33 pm
Tom, Your story gives real meaning to the question Davey posed on this topic. I don’t know why you married, but I should hope that anyone contemplating marriage as a cure for his or her homosexual feelings would read your post and give it serious consideration. Unfortunately, marriage as the cure is still counselled by some misguided individuals. My young former tenant took that advice and he is now six feet under. Had I known his story before he died, I would have done anything to help him.
I second MichaelM’s comment. Have a happy holiday season.
December 7, 2011 at 12:08 am
@Tom: I feel for you with your kids. Having been through a similar, though much shorter version of your story, I can sympathize. The verdict of how my boys feel about my “lifestyle” is still to be determined. Although, a few years ago my ex informed me that they have a similar view to her, which is not good. On the other hand, the oldest chooses to live with me so that says something.
I do agree with you, it was worth the risk of losing everything. In the end, I’ve gained so much more. And I’m closer to my boys now than I ever was before.
@Joel J: This current generation has more information to go on to try to NOT make the mistakes that many of us made. And thank God for that. I just wish that these those that are counseled on changing could see how many of us there are who after years of marriage have “come out”. But you and I know those statistics will be kept safely hidden away from those being counseled if they can be. Sad.
December 8, 2011 at 6:21 am
@Wayne,
The personal stories like yours are more powerful than the statistics. I am glad this resource is available. It’s counselling in its own right. I wouldn’t presume to counsel gay, married men as I haven’t been there. I do know that there are many (including some high profile televangelists) who seem to have their cake and eat it to–the rewards and stability of family life and furtive gay escapades on the side. I do believe gay men are just as capable of loving women as their straight counterparts, but the desire for men never goes away. Davey and Matt were surprised to discover most of the visitors to that gay bathouse were married men. I wasn’t. It has its risks and it is not the best of all worlds, but I guess some guys manage. In some cultures, such arrangements appear to be acceptable. Oscar Wilde was one such famous example. He ended up in jail, of course. What do you think?
December 8, 2011 at 11:35 pm
@Joel J: I have to say that I did not partake of any forbidden fruit while married. The closest I came to that was talking to guys online starting about 6 months before we separated.
And I have no interests in bath houses. I know of a number in my community who met their partners that way. I’m happy to stay celibate until my prince charming comes to find me (which may be soon.)
About best of both worlds, I personally couldn’t be in a relationship with a woman and have a man on the side. I’ve often wondered how open relationships could work, because I can’t see myself being in one. Maybe I’m old fashioned, or perhaps I buy into the straight idea of relationships, but I want my man all to myself. From what I’ve read, open relationships can be complicated, especially when one has different expectations than the other. Poly-amorous relationships are even more complex.
December 8, 2011 at 11:51 pm
@Wayne,
Sure< I agree with you in all respects. I'm rather convetional myself.
March 8, 2012 at 3:52 am
I am divorced with two teenage girls that I have been a single Dad too for almost their entire lives. I have a large loving but very religious family. I am divorced. I own and run a management and administrative consultant firm. I have literally hundreds of people that depend on me making the right decisions everyday.
The companies that hire me are for the most in business because I keep them in business.
If I were to come out I would lose everything. My family would love me but always struggle with it. I do not want to put them in the spot of having to defend to the homophobic world.
My children would have a hard time with it and would probably take a long time to come to grip with it. I and their mother have made their life hard enough I could not bare to cause them pain.
My clients would drop me in a heartbeat. Some would condemn others would openly support but they would all fire me for one reason or another. Yes I could find work and keep my house and things etc.
Some of the companies would survive some would not. Those that didn’t that is a lot of employees and families without jobs. I would live through it, but I could not make everyone pay for my mistake of living a lie for 40 odd years.
So know you will not see me coming out. Yes, I had to come to face the reality the cost for me is too high. My long time lover, that got away with posing as the nanny has to live with the fact that he knew this would happen one day. I have to ask him to move out. I will help get started on his feet again and wish all the best he is younger than he has time to find a new life better than what I have given or can give him.
I chose a live of life of celibacy from now on so I will do less damage to myself and others. I think guys coming out mid and late in life like me and throwing that entire burden we created for ourselves on everyone else is extremely selfish and hurtful. Especially for the children, they asked to be born we created them, we are duty bond to give the best life we can.
I made this bed and I will lie in it. I am going to try and makes things right a little at a time.
In another decade my parents will be gone and my kids grown. My lover will healed and moved on. I am fine on my own, I will still have my kids and hopefully grandkids grow older gracefully without bringing shame on anyone. No one will hav e to by the price so I can feel relieved or free.
If I had I it all to over again I do not know. I just know this at some point it is too late to turn around. The cost and damage is too great.
I have cousins and friends that came out, never married, they didn’t lie. Things are okay for them. I didn’t I lied and created a life a lives from that lie, now I must man up and stick it out and do no more harm.
My advice for others come out young do not lie to yourself and others and do no harm.
March 8, 2012 at 8:52 am
@Justaguy:
It breaks my heart hearing your story. And I respect your decision more because of your willingness to put others first. No one knows 100% what people will do or how they will react but only you can make decisions about your situation because only you live with the consequences, not us.
I mentioned somewhere, probably in this thread, that there are those who absolutely cannot come out. Your situation is complex, I agree.
My only concern is how much responsibility you take onto yourself, with respect to family. I’m not saying you are wrong, only that you consider that it is not your responsibility to keep your family happy by staying in the closet. Unless you place them in mortal danger by coming out, they are responsible for how they deal with who you are. And as you say, you have relatives who have come out.
Your kids, that’s another issue. I would only say this, that kids these days are far better informed, and more forgiving about this type of thing.
No matter what happens, someone always gets hurt. You. And in this case, your lover. It’s too bad you couldn’t work out something so you two could still be together, like renting out a room to him. But again, I understand the longer he stays the longer people have to become aware.
I wish you the all the best of a bad situation. I suspect you’ve spent more time than you would like trying to figure out how to make a no-win scenario work. I feel for you.
December 8, 2011 at 3:38 am
@Jason(+J.):,@Michael M[also]:
Well,Jason(+J.),
What does a lend mean [in English,not 'stralin]?
Anyway,BTW: it’s bill(Guillermo3)
Regarding your kind advice to Adrian:I’ve never been to Adelaide [or to Australia,for that matter],
but I’ve heard it is the POM-iest,or most POM-accented part of Australia.That is also the home of a museum of contemporary aboriginal art? True?
Also,and, again I don’t know about Australia, but if the situation there is similar to the one here,
I shouldn’t worry about being seen with Adrian,or any younger guy…I have many younger friends,gay & not ,with no problem.No older friends,but seeing as I’m a day older than God,that’s understandable,I think.
December 8, 2011 at 4:05 am
Re. “day older than God” ROFLMAO!!!
December 8, 2011 at 5:18 am
@ bill(Guillermo3) – I was making a joke at your expense bill(Guillermo3).
@ Michael M – see what I mean.
@ bill(Guillero3) – I’ve never been to the Capital of South Australia either but I believe the art museum you speak of is located there. As for a high concentration of English people, can’t help you. (May prove to hot for them in summer I would have thought). Melbourne does have a large Greek and Italian population though.
At the moment there is a lot of attention being given to the risk child predators pose to children in this country at the moment. One very high profile child disappearance has finally resulted in an arrest and the discovery of remains (after close to 8 years of waiting).
I’m happy to be supportive of Adrian and I hope he finds the advice I offered useful.
Australia is a big country though, not as big as the United States mind, but Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane (and Adelaide) are hardly down the road from one another (try a 12 hour drive between Sydney and Brisbane – without traffic, etc, and that’s adhering to the speed limit).
December 8, 2011 at 6:29 am
@Jason (J)
Melbourne sounds like my kind of place. Does it have a Mediterranean climate? Australia sounds a lot like west Texas where 100 miles is just down the road. As regards my net addiction, I find it difficult to disconnect when the posts are from people grappling with very difficult situations or are sending out a cry for help. Don’t know how helpful I am; I try.
December 8, 2011 at 8:14 am
@ Joel J – Melbourne is famous for its weather and is known for experiencing 4 seasons in one day. It is in the far south of the Australian mainland, south eastern corner of the continent. Winters are quite cold, not snow cold, but enough for houses to require indoor gas heating. Meanwhile in Summer, you’ll want the Air-Conditioning available. So Mediterranean, I think not. Try googling.
@bill(Guillermo3) – I answered your question, below, via email.
@ MichaelM – you may want to take note that I don’t give out personal details to all who read this blog, including my exact location.
December 8, 2011 at 3:55 am
@Jason(+J.):
Jason(+J.),While unlike the U.S. and Australia, Canada may be a gay utopia,at least here one doesn’t need massive doses of No-Doz after crossing the border.
December 8, 2011 at 5:21 am
@ bill(Guillermo3) – Yes 12 and a half hour flight between Brisbane and Los Angeles. (and You lose a day on the return trip west).
December 8, 2011 at 4:11 am
@A,Anonymous:
Dear A.A,Of course I’m sympathetic to you situation [as much as I understand what it is],but 30 something isn’t so old!! A discouraging time of life,if one feels thwarted,but also a great time to assess oneself_As Dante started the “Commedia” [he was 30],”Midway through life”_well actually he wrote that in Tuscan.
I didn’t come out until past 60_not for fear of rejection,as most of my friends would have had no problem with my being gay,but because I hadn’t accepted myself.Did have the luxury of having been, for a long time,on my own.
I believe you can do it.Good luck,A.Anonymous!!!
December 8, 2011 at 4:30 am
@Michael M:
Yes,Michael !!
Should probably write this in e-mail,since we’ve exchanged addresses,but anyway:”Older than God” comes from a comment made when I was 57,by a man who,like many of us,was fighting to defy/accept his aging_swam a lake in the Berkshires everyday,but that,of course,didn’t count unless lake was half frozen.The subject of age came up/I said I was 57/His wife touched his arm,as if to say,”See?Not so bad.”He responded:”Whaddaya mean?!He looks older than God!! A couple of years later,I decided I am,but only by a day. I refer to Him as Lil’ Bro.I must say,He’s anything but pluralistic ,or multi-cultural.Whenever I refer to Him as She,or It,or They,He gets angry.I say,”What are You going to do about it?_Tell Mom?”
December 8, 2011 at 6:40 am
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My God, I cannot imagine what it must be like to be fifty-seven (57). ***grinning, ducking and running like hell*** (Actually, I can probably imagine it all too well. While undergoing chemotherapy a couple of years back, I felt as though I had aged thirty-some-odd years in a matter of weeks. Fortunately, I was able to rewind the clock “a little bit” but the frost on the top of my head and in my goatee tell a whole different story. Okay–maybe not a frost but rather a blizzard. ROFL!)
December 8, 2011 at 5:42 am
@Jason(+J.):
What,Jason +,is the time difference between Australia and the States? Here we’re Greenwich MT_6.
12 hours to LA?!! Wow! Might as well be here to India,but at least that way you get a layover[unfortunately,in my experience,not a lay] in London.Funny returning from India via London,the London_New York leg was full of loud,obnoxious Asians,not at all like their compatriots in India.
Shouldn’t use this space for personal questions,but in what part of Australia do you live,Jason+?
December 8, 2011 at 8:18 am
@ bill(Guillermo3) – check your email for answer to that question.
December 11, 2011 at 3:18 pm
@Jason(+J.):
Jason+,
These comments posts resemble a Zombie-fest:Seems like they keep being added to,responded to,re-incarnated for days/weeks,even months after the original BTI posting…..but anyway:
I agree totally with you about the need for a message preview window here,both for catching errors & for re-wording.Also,while I’ve never received a”Comment awaiting moderation” message here,I have on other sites.Of course,any site should have that right,and does,but it seems only fair that one not only be notified of awaiting moderation,but that notification of “passing” & posting should also occur.
Regarding Adelaide/English:I meant Australians speaking with more British accents,not the presence of English people.I only know this from Australians from Sydney I met in Greece over 20 years ago,who told me that & said most other Australians found the Pom accents pretentious_And from meeting a couple from Adelaide about the same time.They said[with very British accents] things like “That was rather good”,meaning very nice,or “Quite good”,meaning only okay.Enough language lessons for now!
December 12, 2011 at 2:48 am
@ bill(Guillermo3) – The accent thing I have heard about but cannot account for personally.
December 11, 2011 at 10:37 pm
@saud:
Hello,saud !
I wanted to comment on your comment concerning pederasty__It’s far above,and there was no “reply” slot,so here it is now: 3-4] things: 1) Many people,not just in the Middle East,but in many places equate the mere fact of being gay with pedophilia.Too many straights see all gays as opportunistic,rapacious,and completely a-moral.
2)[or,1A]:The Islamic pederasty to which I was referring was in ancient,and medieval times.There was a saying [Turkish,I think] “Buy you beautiful boy at any price when he is young.When he starts to have a beard at whatever price you can get.”To me pederasty,especially that which is predatory,is wrong.In fact,I have a straight friend who is studying for the ministry write on his Facebook page,recently:For those of us who feared the consequences of gay in main-stream life,our fears have been justified.The American Psychology Assn. has just been petitioned by pederasts to remove their inclinations from the list of mental diseases.You can bet I raised Hell with him about that insulting equation.
3)[or,2A]: You are certainly correct about child molestation,or incest,being the major cause of someone’s being.In a few cases,this was the cause,but as with so many “explanations”,that one is NOT THE ANSWER.”She’s a lesbian because she was raped by her father”,while occasionally the case,is mostly NOT the case.I think she,or he is gay because he,or she is gay is more accurate.
4)[0r,3A]:I wrote typically too-long comment,earlier today responding to the “65% of Gay Men are Bottoms” post_Maybe you read it?In a nutshell,I said that I’m glad that many,many,many psychological,or physiological explanations of homosexuality have given way to the conviction of not a choice,but born that way.
Good luck,said!!
December 11, 2011 at 11:51 pm
@ bill(Guillermo3) Re. the comment that your friend made on FB, I’m glad that you raised Hell with him about it. To equate the two (pedophilia and homosexuality) is completely ludicrous. It is a comparison that many whose views regarding LGBTQ issues are extremely close-minded and prejudiced like to make and totally unfounded.
Having said this, I prefer to look at the glass as half-full. I’ve no patience for pedophiles or for anyone who abuses a child in any form or fashion. Therefore, I’d much prefer for those who prey on children to be held fully accountable for their actions and not hide behind the “but it’s an illness” excuse. So hey, if they want to get it removed from the list of mental diseases and they’re successful in doing so, perhaps that works against them and those who are convicted will receive HARSHER sentences (as they probably should).
I’m not saying it should or shouldn’t be removed; I’m just considering how (IF it’s removed from the APA’s list of mental diseases) its’ removal might work against these creeps who prey on children.
March 9, 2012 at 7:19 am
Hi there,
I believe that no one really knows what is going to happen when you come out, if you will lose everything or if your family and friends will support you. I have been out of the closet for over a year now, I am a bisexual 17 year old girl, for me coming out was hard, I told my best friend first, I was so worryed, but she was fine about it, then I told my mum, now my mum is pretty liberal, she has no problems with LGBT people, but I was still worryed about telling her. She was cool with it though. My Granma knows and unfortunitly she is not as cool about it, we dont speak about it and on the two occasions that sexuality has come up in a conversation she tells me that certain people were born that way (others) and that some people are just being influenced by what they watch on tv (me). The way she feels about this kinda hurts. But anyway, you can never know how someone is going to react, you just have to go with the flow and come out when you are ready.
Good luck everyone.
B.