Dear people in long-term relationships,
I have a question for you. I’m completely unsure of the answer. Having never been in a long-term relationship during my adult life, I lean on you for guidance and advice.
What is love like after five years? Is it like a Disney movie, with singing blue-jays and sunshine and rainbows? Or is it just two people that get along reasonably well and have decided to make a life together?
I suppose love is probably different for different people in different relationships. But what is love like, for you?
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. While it was sunshine and rainbows for the first few months, that initial excitement has waned. I don’t get butterflies in my belly when he calls. I’m not inspired by our connection. I love him, but it’s no Disney movie. Every now and then, I get a glimpse of the magic – but it’s not everyday.
Is that what love really is? I think it might be. When I look at the long-term relationships around me, I see people that have a mutual connection and some chemistry – but I don’t see magic.
Did Mr. Disney pull a fast one on us? Or is his vision of love the version to which all of us should aspire?
I don’t know. Hopefully you do.
Love,
Davey
February 14, 2010 at 5:36 pm
Bravo
February 14, 2010 at 11:15 pm
Sidebar:
Davey never talks about, talky walkies with, nor even seems interested in anyone who is not cute, twink and younger than he. Yet judging from the above, Davey seems to have huge numbers of middle aged or older readers.
Hmmm…why?
February 15, 2010 at 2:53 am
Hey Mike,
I’m insulted, kidding, but I’m only in my mid 20′s and so is she, lol.
Kenneth R. Livingston
February 15, 2010 at 12:13 pm
Marriage is very hard work needing determination, selflessness, and a belief in the value of partnerships. If you cannot put another person first at times, and sometimes it will be for a lengthy period of time, marriage just isn’t for you …
http://www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com
February 16, 2010 at 5:57 am
I have been with my best friend for 25 years. Good times, bad times. Still madly in love. Can’t imagine life with out him. I knew the moment we met. Don’t over rate sex. It’s great, but like an organism, it’s fleeting. Go with your heart and understand love for what it is. The joining of souls.
February 16, 2010 at 2:18 pm
Davey,
I won’t be saying much here that hasn’t already been said, but I’ll pass along my experiences nonetheless. Michael and I have been together for over six and a half years now, and in October 2008 we got married in Massachusetts, though we live in Illinois. Our Disney-movie stage was brief–it only lasted around six months (although he does a lot of musical theatre, and I do occasionally still feel like I live in a musical…), and we moved in together when we had been together for less than a year.
But I realized something. The butterflies aren’t the magic. The magic *is* the friendship. Many here have talked about how the sex has waned, the butterflies are gone, and one fellow even said, “Show me a happy marriage and I’ll point out the lobotomy scars.” I don’t get butterflies when my phone rings and it’s Michael–I get the feeling that he’s left something at home and needs me to bring it to him. We argue about how to decorate, and grumble about the checkbook, but at the end of the day, we are friends. Things aren’t perfect–no marriage, no relationship between any two people no matter how compatible, can possibly be perfect. But if you have that friendship, that mutual respect and affection for one another, you see that’s the magic of the relationship.
Six and a half years. I am twenty-seven, but that six and a half years feels like it’s been my whole life. We may argue about what color shower curtain to buy, but I can’t imagine having to pick one out by myself, or going to the grocery store alone, or, hell, filing only one set of taxes.
It honestly just wouldn’t be as fun without him.
I hope that helps…
~Daniel
February 17, 2010 at 9:03 am
Davey,
Please do not mistook that butterflies as sign of love, they are just sign excitement, not love
Imagine that you have won a huge prize, something you really like and always wanted, and you have to walk a few blocks to get it… you will have that butterflies too when you walk that few blocks, when you first get it and took it home for few days after when you tell people about it… but then after a sometime, that prize is just normal, it has become part of your everyday life, nothing much exciting, no more butterflies…
Hence I guess Love is just a word created to describe “something”…. I’m not sure what is that “something”. But for me that “something” between my bf and I is the great companionship for each other. My small life bubble that I have when I’m single has expanded when I have a long term bf, its better, but not exciting… And i guess the same for hetero couple who have children, their life bubble expands more and its even better, but its still not exciting, just their everyday life…
Don’t get me wrong, everyday life is awesome…
February 20, 2010 at 5:06 pm
I can tell you that after almost four years, yes the magic does wan but it just becomes a comforting glow. When you look at that person or feel there touch the magic is still there, it’s just hiding in amongst the day to day life that we live. It may not always be apparent that there is magic and singing birds but they are there in the way that you look at each other and the passion you feel for one another. The singing is in the little things, like when he brings you a flower because you feel down or sick, or when he offers to go with you to the clinic because you are nervous, but in the end I think that each person has there own definition of what the magic is and depending on their view it may or may not still be there. I do however, know that even after 4 years with the same man, I still have the spark and nothing is better than that.
February 20, 2010 at 11:59 pm
Davey, your absolutely cute, and I enjoy watching your talky blogs online. Your also insane (but in a goodway). I have been with my current partner nearly 4 years now, and yes at first the butterflies were storming the walls of my stomache. They have quieted down now, and I occasionally feel a “flutter” of wings. Personaly for me, love is not a Disney movie with singing bluebirds. Its more like screaming evil witches most of the time. But for me, thats what makes this relationship work. We yell at each other more than we say “I love you”, but thats just the way we work together.
February 21, 2010 at 9:45 am
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. I’m 29 years old now and certainly not in my prime anymore.
Last summer I went through an early “mid-life crisis” and decided it was time for our relationship to end. I had met a boy of only 20 and became somewhat infatuated with him. While my boyfriend (or ex at the moment) continued to live together, we did not spend much time together. I spent every moment I could with my “infatuation” and avoided being home.
Long story short, my boyfriend and I are back together. We were officially apart for a month or so and what I realized in that time is that no infatuation or excitement of the “new” could match what I had with my boyfriend. There is a level of comfort that you achieve when you have spent so much time with someone. They know you… often better than you know yourself. To be honest, the prospect of going through all of that learning process with the infatuation was daunting, and really not one I was looking forward to. After spending a month with that new boy I realized that no matter what, no one was going to match up to my boyfriend and I would spend the rest of my life wondering why I threw that away.
We as humans are not perfect and as such cannot expect the product of two humans being together to be perfect too. Anyone who claims to have the perfect storybook relationship is delusional or is self medicating. To be honest, the feeling I get knowing that my boyfriend understands me and accepts me is better than any butterflies that I would get from the “new” relationship.
Is life perfect? No. Do we have the butterflies and the excitement of that initial dating? No. To be honest, the first year of our relationship, though exciting, was hell. Constantly worrying if the other person is being honest, faithful. Granted this was all a product of a previous unfaithful partner, but they are still issues you have to deal with. I’m quite content… yes content with my relationship. Is it storybook? Not by any stretch of the imagination. Can I imagine life without him?
Only for a month… and that was a miserable hell I don’t want to visit again.
February 22, 2010 at 5:28 pm
Nice of you to share such a personal piece of your life. I enjoyed reading it and totally understood what you went through and why you are back where you should be. Inspiring!
February 23, 2010 at 3:46 pm
Davey,
Relationships are like snowflakes; no two are exactly alike. At that point in your existance, if you desire a lifelong mate, you will know and both of you will decide how to walk forward in life together. And yes, sometimes you will walk far apart and sometimes way too close together. If you have to think about it…it is not time yet.
Peace,
Rick in Chapel Hill, NC
February 23, 2010 at 9:22 pm
Yes, Rick in Chapel Hill,
You said, “If you have to think about it…it is not time yet.” and I couldn’t agree more with you. I’ve hoped Davey and Scotty actually live together for a time. If they do, it will become clear very quickly whether they “have to think about it.” If they aren’t up to the opportunity and challenge, they are not up to it for sure, at least for now.
Seb in Western NC (and the snow. Haha)
March 18, 2010 at 1:03 pm
Maybe you need to learn to appreciate your BF every day in some way, or, maybe you need to grow up some more.
April 2, 2010 at 2:35 pm
I didn’t read the other comments. I didn’t want to color my answer. After 6 or 7 years, like us you will both have gone through a pretty good set of mutual transformation from being around each other. As a couple you will either decide whether you want more of x, y, z….and how you will go about getting it. Whatever it is. OR you might decide you are happy with what you have. You may come to compromises or arrangements, or you may live happily in what others would call a rut. But one thing I hope you never do is take any other couple as an example to follow, as we are all unique. Relationships are not something to be trended, but dissected at the individual level. Examine the comments you see in this post with extreme caution. The options are not the best for everyone.
Davey, both of you will just know what to do. Even if that means not being together. Remember that everything happens to (eventually) suit something else. Cause and effect. But you know this already, bucko.
Hi from DC!
A-Ron