Yesterday was Father’s Day, and so I found myself at a family cookout. My cousin recently gave birth to a beautiful baby named James – and as the first of his generation in our family, he certainly gets plenty of attention.
My cousin was holding James while he sat around in his diaper. Like all babies, James has plenty of baby fat. But James couldn’t care less. He was happy and joyful; he has no feelings of shame towards his body. He just sat there, smiled and played with his belly rolls.
I couldn’t help but wonder at what point that shame kicks in. For almost all of us, it eventually does. Maybe it’s when kids tease us for being fat in elementary school. Or maybe it’s when the boy or girl we like dumps us for the captain of the baseball team. Or maybe it’s when we look in magazines and see the impossibly airbrushed bodies.
Clearly, as James can attest, shame is not something with which we are born. We need to learn to dislike our human bodies – and it’s an art that we hone finely.
It’s easy to point fingers at the media or the culture around us. But I think we need to share the responsibility; we can simultaneously aspire to create a healthier, stronger body without hating or disliking the one we already have. We can both work towards building a healthier body while celebrating our current form.
Just because much of the world worships thin waistlines and carefully sculpted bodies doesn’t mean we need to cultivate distaste for our own bodies – or align ourselves with the negativity that will inevitably sabotage any changes we try to make.
Loving our bodies as they are today is natural – and possible. Turns out, we can learn a lot from a baby.
June 20, 2011 at 7:59 am
and its not just babies – people whom are mentally challenged, see the world so simply that its often an eye opener when they ask why we do things
June 20, 2011 at 8:00 am
I couldn’t help but notice you have a Macbook, a Macbook Pro, an iMac (or just an Apple screen?), an iPad and an iPhone. Man, I love you.
June 20, 2011 at 8:10 am
i never really thought of it like that, but i learned to accept my body for how it is a long time ago. and i changed it to my liking, thru tattoos and piercings. Those aren’t for everyone, but they make me happy so im open to all opinions on what people think about them.
June 20, 2011 at 8:35 am
Haha – it’s the apple cinema display.
June 20, 2011 at 8:40 am
after you march or view the Pride Parade this year near you-surely you will feel inadequate after all the hot bodies parade by.but to me its motivation-to get very busy.
June 20, 2011 at 8:44 am
Your calender says April ha. Old pic?
And I feel like this was posted perfectly at the right time, for me. I’ve been thinking about it alot. Thank you, Davey.
June 20, 2011 at 9:05 am
I agree. Are the pics from your photo shoot in Australia air brushed?
June 20, 2011 at 9:11 am
One of my greatest gifts to my body was to stop smoking three years ago. I had been smoking for 16 years. No patches, pills or any other crutches. I just stopped. It was not difficult and it is to date one of the most rewarding things I’ve done for myself. The Secret: Anyone who wants to, can.
June 20, 2011 at 9:22 am
Haha yes, I was wondering if anyone would notice that. I took the picture in April
June 20, 2011 at 9:22 am
I don’t know – though, I don’t photoshop the pictures that I take and use myself.
June 20, 2011 at 9:29 am
i wish you would have caught your doggy in this picture. Animals always make the picture just a little brighter. and besides. you already had the food and water bowl.
June 20, 2011 at 9:37 am
This is so very true. I myself struggle constantly with the constant inner battle of shame due to my inability to look like that which it seems every guy is after. I haven’t had a date in quite a while and despite my vested interest to be desired I cannot seem to give myself the push needed to really make a significant change in my life. Instead, I loose a few pounds and then gain them right back. It’s like I’m caught in some never ending cycle and I believe the heart of my problem is my own self confidence. I’m a successful individual in graduate school right now. I’m the first person in my family to ever attend college let alone go all the way to graduate school. Yet, the final aspect of me in which I can achieve something truly great is to achieve personal health and fitness. However, because of my own self conscious thoughts and attitudes I tend to sabotage my progress. I guess we can learn something from babies after all. I need to love me for who I am before I can make a significant change in my life.
June 20, 2011 at 10:16 am
Davey, I was so inspired by this post as I have been struggling with this issue for the past 30 years or so. Sometimes it’s easier to deal with…other times (like recently) it is more difficult for me. Gay men can be painfully judgemental, but I find usually I am the one most cruel to myself, and I don’t always catch the meanness of my own thoughts. Thank you for your posts, as they remind me to keep vigilant about identifying and correcting my distorted self talk. It’s a dark rainy morning where I live, and I really needed a cyber hug!
June 20, 2011 at 10:28 am
Maybe Davey owns stock in Apple, or he is on the payroll.
June 20, 2011 at 11:36 am
So!!! Shame drives you??? Not healthy. Not healthy at all.
June 20, 2011 at 11:50 am
Good post and have you seen the rainbow on google when you search gay its for pride month.
June 20, 2011 at 12:05 pm
It is true that baby James does not care because he gets all the attention he desires. But when we grow up we learn not to like what we look like because what we desire always wants the younger fitter person. for example your blog is extremely popular because you are a hot looking young guy running around in your underwear. You only talk about hot looking young guys and you only interview hot looking young guys. You only date hot looking young guys. So that is why every guy out there wants to look like you. they all want to have that same experience. When was the last time you hit on and went out with a guy who was older or over weight? You even cringe just talking about an older guy with your mom or any of the guys you interview. You say it does not matter and yet It does matter a great deal to you and others. You do not spend hours at the gym making sure you stay hot looking because you know matter how nice a guy is even if he is fat or older you want to date him. No your just like most gay men who would not consider him because he does not get you excited. It is just the way it is if you do not believe me just gain 15 lbs and loose that six pack and see how fast those hot guys stop talking to you.
June 20, 2011 at 1:16 pm
Great observation!! This shows you how much we has lost as we have “evolved”. Unfortunately, it won’t be long when Baby James will get entangled in a battle to be either contempt with his body or endlessly dissatisfied with it. I am sure it would prove very difficult to change the present human condition. Religion, culture, media, and even conventional and holistic medicine pull us in many directions.
June 20, 2011 at 1:20 pm
I geuss this blog post dose not aply if your trans. Trans people really have no choice but to NOT like, or even hate their bodies!
June 20, 2011 at 1:21 pm
Or at least hate their bodies until they transition!
June 20, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Are you in the new Ridley Scott documentary film, “Life in a Day”?
June 20, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Thanks for responding. The pics that you take yourself are so much more beautiful, natural and real. The ones from the photo shoot, which you also use on your website, do appear in my estimation to have been airbrushed. That makes me sad. I hope some day you can discover that while pictures that have been altered may project the way you’d hope to be that people love you for who you are! Dreaming of a day when we can all be real.
June 20, 2011 at 2:35 pm
I think you missed the point…
June 20, 2011 at 2:41 pm
You can’t help who you’re attracted to. Being in a relationship is both emotional and physical. If the guy doesn’t meet your needs physically, then there’s no need to feel obligated to go out with him. It’s not a deal-breaker, but physical appearance is important. It may be sad, but it’s reality.
The post was about respecting yourself, not about what kinds of guys you’re attracted to. It’s about not caring about what Davey looks like but instead loving what you look like and being healthier because it will improve your life.
June 20, 2011 at 2:48 pm
In fact, it the post isn’t about relationships at all. he writes:
“It’s easy to point fingers at the media or the culture around us. But I think we need to share the responsibility; we can simultaneously aspire to create a healthier, stronger body without hating or disliking the one we already have. We can both work towards building a healthier body while celebrating our current form.”
This post is all about yourself and how you get through the day. It’s about sharing in the responsibility of making yourself feel like s**t.
You’re pointing fingers at culture (Davey) without taking responsibility that your possible insecurity and accusatory attitude might have something to do with it.
June 20, 2011 at 3:13 pm
I would agree, shame is something society needs to overcome, it dosent drive him.
June 20, 2011 at 3:34 pm
like I said in my post above “It is true that baby James does not care because he gets all the attention he desires. But when we grow up we learn not to like what we look like because what we desire always wants the younger fitter person.” Davy’s was used as an example to this fact. his own fear of being out of shape and getting older is very well documented in his blogs. The way he talks about older men, or out of shape men just shows he himself is not truly happy with his own self image. If he was truly happy with himself then he would not cringe at the thought of an older man or a man who is a little out of shape being listed by his mom or another person as attractive to them. Because he would be seeing the man inside that they are attracted to. Even so he has a boyfriend that should be fulfilling that desire every post is full of the guys he desires and how he spends hours on grinder showing off his stats, he keeps looking for and receives a lot of praise for his looks, but it is not enough. behind all the smiles and kisses he still thinks he is that fat kid of his youth. he is like everyone else that is still looking for that feeling of perfect acceptance that baby James is enjoying. it would be nice to truly love your own self appearance and be happy with yourself, and yes there are those that truly enjoy it.. but for most we will never have it because of that miss guided desire.
June 20, 2011 at 3:54 pm
I found in my own personal life. that body image has messed up a lot of my life. I’m a health nut , don’t drink or take drugs. I work out 4 to 6 days a week and I have never been happy. my six pack what not cut enough. my arms were not big enough. the guys I dated were always hotter or sexier than me. I did runway molding when I was younger and I never felt I was the best looking guy up there, no matter what any would say. Lucky for me I was gay so I always had the gay guys around me to point out the things I did not notice. a wrinkle here or there, a gray hair..ooh my!!. but you know the best part about it all is when a guy that is 10 years older then you thinks you’re totally hot till he find out your age. he may be 10 years older then you, but you’re not that 22 year old he thought you were. you think I’m insecure? I’m gay what you think?
June 20, 2011 at 4:54 pm
Very inspiring! Loved it! You always make me smile!
June 20, 2011 at 5:04 pm
I don’t agree that “if he were truly happy with himself then he would not cringe at the thought of an older man or a man who is a little out of shape …”. Your own happiness has nothing to do with who you find attractive or unattractive. You can be perfectly comfortable with yourself and not like overweight men. You can also not like really fit men, skinny men, hairy men, pale men, etc. It’s all about what pleases you aesthetically. Whatever turns you on.
“Because he would be seeing the man inside that they are attracted to.” I have a bit of a problem with this. A person’s physical appearance, no matter how much we would like to deny it, does play a part in our attraction to them. To see past the outside and see “the man inside” is a fairy tale. You must look at the whole thing: outer and inner appearance. That’s not to say that an unattractive person will never be with someone because beauty is entirely subjective. But it is to say that you don’t just see a person’s personality. What you are suggesting is that physical appearance doesn’t matter, and that’s deluded thinking.
Davey might have that misguided desire to be accepted by others. In the post, he does say “we” a lot. You seem to have observations that prove to you that he does have it, and that’s fine with me. What I don’t agree with is your emphasis on a person’s true happiness being dependent on being attracted to people based solely on their personality, not their looks. That’s completely unrealistic.
June 20, 2011 at 5:17 pm
I’m sorry to hear that body image has messed up your life. Since it has, it sounds like this post has a lot to do with you – about respecting yourself no matter what others think.
It’s true, like I said above, that people must look at the whole package, inner and outer appearance, when searching for a partner. But to be ashamed of your own appearance is to hinder yourself from happiness in your relationship to yourself. All you can do is love and accept yourself and try to look your best without feeling inadequate. The moment you take personally the others pointing out your grays and wrinkles is the moment you’ve sacrificed your self-respect.
And being gay and being insecure do not go hand in hand. It’s true that in society, it’s too easy to be insecure about your sexuality, but it’s not a requirement.
June 20, 2011 at 5:26 pm
Interesting to note that on your other Blog, you are trumpeting Weight Loss.
June 20, 2011 at 5:34 pm
totally appreciate the message….it has taken me a long time to love my body. i recently lost over 100 pounds and still had body issues, but i eventually saw past the stretch marks that will probably never heal and saw a beautiful person underneath
June 20, 2011 at 6:08 pm
“We can both work towards building a healthier body while celebrating our current form.”
It’s about being healthy.
June 20, 2011 at 7:27 pm
you have too many computers
June 20, 2011 at 8:22 pm
Thank you so much Davey… Your Truly a kind spirit:)
June 20, 2011 at 9:54 pm
I agree 100% Brian. Everything you said is exactly on the mark. I don’t know which I find harder to believe, a beautiful guy sitting around saying looks don’t matter or an older, average guy saying looks don’t matter.
June 21, 2011 at 12:16 am
Perhaps looking at the claim itself instead of the person saying it might help.
June 21, 2011 at 7:50 am
You look very very cute in the photo! :O
June 21, 2011 at 8:57 am
Connor, no matter how much you stick up for him, he still will likely have no interest in you. He is into twinks who worhip him and don’t mind being cheated on. Just sayin…….
June 21, 2011 at 9:49 am
I wish we could all just accept ourselves for who we are.
June 21, 2011 at 1:22 pm
I swim every day and lift three four times per week. I do all of this not so much so that I might “look good” to somebody else but because I live in this body. I take care of it just as I would take care of a finely tuned German automobile (although it goes to the mechanic for preventive maintenance more than I go to a doctor). This body is mine and I need it to get around. As I get older, problems have developed but a lifetime of taking care of myself (no smoking, not booze, not red meat, no drugs) have all helped me. I am stronger than most of my friends feel blessed every day. When I get compliments on my appearance or even the way I am built, that is cool. But it is not my motivation. I do it for my health and not because it may allow me to live longer (I could get clocked by a bus on my way to the pool today) but because it allows me to live happier and healthier right now. At least that is how I see it.
June 21, 2011 at 3:05 pm
i try to love my body everyday but you are right there are alot of things we see and react to that make us try to hate our body everyday women have it worst they need to be perfect or they will never get married, all of these media, social, family, and ourselves make it hard everyday to just let ourselves be who we are but working at it everyday i will try to love my body and ther person i choose to spend the rest of our life with…… 2 b continued i guess
June 22, 2011 at 6:58 pm
There are three things on your desk that I also have and love: A macbook pro, an iphone 4, and the best of all, a key to a mini! I love my mini cooper!
June 30, 2011 at 5:04 pm
My mother used to tell this story of me during a Seattle summer when I was just a year old. It was a particularly hot day (it could happen) and she thought I’d be more comfortable naked. She took off my t-shirt & diaper and set me on the ground. Unlike my brother who was a happy little nudist, I screamed and carried on until she dressed me again. I’ve never been comfortable naked, even when I’m alone. Nature or nurture?