Is there such a thing as too gay?
I’ve heard it a million times when it comes to same-sex dating. I’m sure I’ve even said it myself. “He’s too gay.”
If there is such a thing as too gay, then the opposite must also hold true: that there is such a thing as too straight. I took a quick sample of some of my straight girlfriends. I asked them if they have ever written off a guy because he’s too straight. The unanimous answer was, “No.” Of course not. They want a guy that is straight; it’s a good thing.
Perhaps I’m being too literal. When we say that a guy is “too gay”, we don’t mean that he likes penis too much. Instead, it’s that he’s over-the-top, flamboyant or über feminine.
On one hand, you can’t help who you’re attracted to. On the other, it seems self-loathing to discount a guy based on his lack of masculinity.
If it’s the body parts to which we find ourselves attracted, then it doesn’t seem healthy or wise to discount someone for their personality. And if it’s the personality to which we find ourselves attracted, then why would the body even matter? Wouldn’t we all date men and women?
I’m on the fence with this one. I think it’s okay to say, “I don’t know.” And when it comes to discounting guys for being “too gay”, I don’t know.
What do you think?
February 1, 2009 at 9:40 am
wow, what a cool concept
i’ve often pondered this myself
February 1, 2009 at 10:01 am
I’m slightly feminine, like arts, loves musicals,, works out, & I’m the life & soul of any party etc. But I’m straight, I’m happly in a relationship & my gf doesn’t think I’m too gay, she thinks I’m sweet, funny & endearing :p
February 1, 2009 at 10:07 am
+ I have EXCELLENT fashion sense, phew !!!
February 1, 2009 at 12:29 pm
O.o Wow, so weird! I was just discussing this with my sister today.
I was saying that I love Gok Wan but the american version of ‘How to Look Good Naked’ doesn’t have Gok Wan and has someone else who I said was annoyingly “Too gay”.
Oddly, I love Jack from Will & Grace. Hilari-O-U-S xD
I guess I’m just not attracted to extremely flamboyant guys.
(P.S. one name comes to mind….Chris Crocker *shudder*)
February 2, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Davey Waveyyyyy, I completely agree with the ‘I don’t know’ answer. If it is in fact the personality that we’re attracted to, then why do body parts matter? It’s odd.
February 2, 2009 at 1:42 pm
I think the whole thing is based on sterotypes.
I personally hate to be called gay because so many times in movies, advertisments…etc…the “gay” man is typically very flamboyant. That is not the case however a lot of the time.
That for me is what is considered to be “too gay”
February 2, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Different strokes for different folks, and it definitely takes all kinds to make the world go ’round.
Ciao!
February 3, 2009 at 8:27 pm
i’ve seen people like that but hey that’s how they are i guess. but really i don’t know?
February 4, 2009 at 5:45 am
Good discussion, everyone. Thanks, Davey, for the thought-provoking topic. Interesting threads of related topics.
A few personal observations …
(1) My understanding of my own gayness and the “gay” community is that I (we) want the rest of the world to accept me (us) as being the person (people) that I am (we are), without judgment or put-downs … having said that, there is a tendency among us to judge others harshly in our own “family”. Let’s try not to do that so much.
(2) Any label is a box, actually a prison. I can be in the box, or out of the box — but either way I am a prisoner of my own narrow thinking.
(3) There is a 12-step fellowship that uses the following saying: “as long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that will tear us apart, all will be well”. Let us try to practice that with one another.
(4) This may be obvious, but let’s distinguish between being “gay/too gay” and “gay-acting” or “gay-appearing”. As noted, various people have personal preferences for various points along the “gay-straight acting” (butch/femme) continuum. That does not mean that I am a better “gay” than you are, or vice-versa.
(5)The stereotyping that runs rampant does seem to be a variety of internalized homophobia. My own experience has been that the more I come out (that is, the more I move forward on my ongoing “coming out” journey), the more comfortable I become with myself and my sexual/gender identity. I learn to accept myself.
(6) With greater self-acceptance, I give myself permission to let my “gayness” show to the rest of the world. I don’t think I am “becoming” more gay … I think I am becoming more free about expressing myself in a variety of ways.
(7) The rainbow is a symbol of our gay (queer) community/family. Just as there are many colors in the rainbow, so too there are many ways to be ourselves and express our identities. (I use “gay” and “queer” interchangeably as umbrella terms to refer to the LGBTQ family of my brothers and sisters. It feels less awkward than the initials.)
(8) Having said all that, sure I have my own preferences. I am not into cross-dressing, though I don’t judge others who are so inclined. I am a gay man, so I am attracted to men. I do not wish to be with a man pretending to be a woman. It’s just not my thing.
(9) I think I am somewhat gay-acting, so I assume that is what I project in the world. I am often surprised when I am “mistaken” for being a straight guy. Another example, the “gay acting” teller at my local bank was wearing a pink dress shirt with a pink tie yesterday when I went to the bank. I just wouldn’t dress that way — it’s not me.
(10) I saw a movie on Logo recently in which the “straight-acting” gay man criticized the “flamer” for going out of his way to be over-the-top flamboyant because he was trying to prove to himself, or prove to the straight world, that he can be as gay as he wants to be. We all have different paths …
Sorry to go on and on so long …
— Rob
February 6, 2009 at 1:20 am
If a gay guy is considered either “too gay” or “too masculine” (and plenty of gay men become clones who wear A and F and work out to get really big and work HARD to make themselves look uber masculine to overcompensate) then it’s often an indication of major insecurity. Femme guys can often be really defensive and hyper masc guys can often be incredibly insecure and generic.
When you genuinely relax about who you are, the chances are you’ll settle down from either direction.
February 7, 2009 at 9:55 am
Like many of you I like my man to be manly so to speak. The flamers turn me off, I have seen many gay guys who over express themselves, both in speech and body talk, but when they were alone with me they lost all of that. They simply were not fem anymore. When they cut the act it was better and they found more guys interested in them. You have to understand that straight or gay we are not all created equal for some the flamboyant thing is natural, just like I have a tendency to wear pantyhose (no underwear) under my clothes and when I am in my appartment alone, often this is all I wear.
February 7, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Their is such a thing as ‘TOO GAY’
i think its the way they act like they want everyone to know that their gay and they are there and want to be the centre of attention, they are also like OMG all t he time. so yeh there is such a thing as ‘TOO GAY’ i like to be gay but i dont consider myself as ‘TOO GAY’
February 7, 2009 at 10:26 pm
There is one more question in all of this discussion. If we don’t act gay at all, how do we ever meet each other? What is the secret handshake? The way to let potential friends and mates know we are available? Some of my friends in High School were gay but back then we had no way of knowing who was safe to even talk with about same sex attraction. We all kept our secret to ourselves and missed a great chance to have a better friendship.
March 4, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Can girls be too gay too? I mean the same sort of rule applies to girls who are too butch. I mean, I wouldn’t date a girl who is way too masculine, sort of like I can imagine some guys wouldn’t date another guy who is way too feminine. Oh and also, is it not alright for me to call myself gay even though I’m a girl? or is that too much an encroachment on the man’s term? I feel like Lesbian is too much of a label and gay is just an adjective.
Sorry, that was like two unrelated questions..
March 21, 2009 at 8:22 am
I think I’m gay too.Because I like you(Davey Wavey)
March 21, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Emy,
I am just fine with you calling yourself gay. Often the word gay is used as a more general term to include all LGBT people. I don’t think any of the guys mind if you call yourself gay either. If they do they need to think about what it means to be inclusive.
I will proudly claim you as part of the “family”.
August 2, 2009 at 11:42 pm
I dont like the flaming gay, but i dont like the extremely masculine either. lol