Break the Illusion Blog by Davey Wavey

Bottoms of the world, I salute you. Least we forget that there are no tops without bottoms, I’m always puzzled by the stigma against those who ‘take it’. There is a self-created hierarchy of gaydom. Tops are at the top, and well… bottoms are at the bottom.

If you’re straight, you’re probably already confused. Gay Sex 101: Tops are guys that do the f*****g. Bottoms are guys that get f****d. Of course, things aren’t always so cut and try. Many people enjoy a little of both, and fall anywhere between the spectrum. And a whole bunch of guys would feel entirely uncomfortable identifying with a sexual position.

“You’re such a bottom,” is a common insult amongst gay men. I’m guilty of saying it from time to time, and I have certainly been on the receiving end of more than a few bottom jokes. After-all, I drive a Mini Cooper – which my friends call the bottomobile.

It all begs the question: “What is wrong with being a bottom?”

I suspect that our bottom-phobia stems from our own insecurities and internalized homophobia. Tops are often considered more masculine. On the flip side, there is a generalized correlation between femininity and bottoming. Masculinity is usually considered to be a desirable characteristic in gay men. That’s a lot of generalizing but the implication is that tops are more masculine and thus higher on the hierarchy.

Go on manhunt, craigslist, dudesnude or any other gay hookup site. Take out a paper and pen and make two columns. In one column, make a check mark for each profile that says, “masculine guys only.” In the other column, “feminine guys only.” One of your columns is going to be very empty; the other – very full.

There’s blood on my hands, too. I’m guilty of idolizing (maybe even worshiping) masculine men – gay or straight. In just a few hours, I’ll be watching Tom Brady quarterbacking for the Patriots with mind full of dirty thoughts. For me, Tom’s oozing masculinity is the biggest turn on.

I don’t need to tell you that I’m not the most masculine guy that ever walked the planet. I may be muscular, but I couldn’t catch a football, spit or pick my crotch if my life depended on it. I often suspect that I’m looking for the masculinity in other guys that I crave in myself. Or, perhaps, because I’m insecure with my own femininity, I’m repelled by it in other guys. I may not be alone in this boat.

At any rate, this isn’t a puzzle that I can solve in a blog post (or even perhaps in an entire lifetime). However, I think bringing awareness to the issue is important. When we express our disgust of feminine guys, or belittle those who bottom (or perhaps even assume a connection between the two), I think we speak very loudly about an underlying issue within us. Awareness helps shed a sliver of light on this very dark and painful part of our gay psyche.

In the meantime, I give a lot of credit to guys who openly, willingly and proudly identify as bottoms in a culture that doesn’t always return the love. A tip of the hat to you.

Related Posts

1. “Don’t Act on Your Feelings.”
2. Why Gay Jokes Aren’t Funny.
3. Talky Blog: Boyfriend? Special Friend? Life Partner?!