Break the Illusion Blog by Davey Wavey

Relationships are not like hats or gloves—there is no one-size-fits-all approach that works for all of us.

Human beings are all very different. We have differing wants and needs, cultures, religions, goals, dreams and ideas. And despite this great diversity, our society espouses the same thing for all of us: monogamy.

I don’t buy it.

While most couples identify as monogamous, the reality is quite different. An estimated 60% of men cheat on their partners. In other words, there are a whole bunch of “monogamous” men that are living very polygamous lives.

Why are so many of us lying to our partners? Moreover, why are so many of us lying to ourselves?

Despite my straying thoughts and wandering eyes, I entered a series of ill-fated monogamous relationships during my younger years at university. Time and time again, I aspired to be something that I was not. And time and time again, I’d find myself unable and unwilling to hold up my end of the bargain.

Since the extramarital sex is already happening in “monogamous” relationships, why not find a way to make it all work? Imagine being able to communicate about non-spousal interests and not maintaining doubles lives or opening secret e-mail accounts. And imagine being able to find a partner who wants the same thing.

By senior year of university, I decided to be honest with my boyfriend and, more importantly, myself. We entered into a polygamous relationship that lasted several years. It wasn’t all sunshine and roses—I certainly struggled with feelings of jealousy, inadequacy and the like—but what relationship is without its challenges?

Of course, people change over time—and our wants and needs evolve. Neither monogamy nor polygamy need last forever. And as such, though my current relationship has been open in the past, we recently decided to dabble in monogamy.

Though my friends tell me that I’m “growing up”, I refuse to believe that monogamy is really any more mature or better than polygamy; there is no hierarchy of relationship types. Polygamy and monogamy aren’t better or worse—they’re just different.

The truly best relationship approach is the relationship approach that works for you and your partner. You are not dating the rest of the world, so at the end of the day, it’s unfortunate but inconsequential that society may not understand the currency of your commitment. As long as you and your partner are on the same transparent and well-communicated page, that’s really all that matters.

Show me a pair of jeans that looks good on everyone and I’ll show you a relationship approach that fits all people in all relationships everywhere at all times. When all is said and done, it’s just not realistic to limit ourselves to monogamy in a world as diverse and grand as ours.

Related Posts

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2. Breaking News: Monogamy is Difficult! Maybe Even Unrealistic?
3. Lesbians Have it Harder. Here’s Why.