As you may already know, I was chubby growing up. From second grade through fifth grade, I packed on a few extra pounds – much to the amusement of snickering friends, teasing family members and schoolyard bullies.
Looking back, I’m certain that I never quite got over it. I can still hear the teasing. I can still feel the pain. And on some days, I can still see the extra weight when I look into the mirror – even when it’s not there.
It seems that though I’ve shed the weight, I still haven’t shed the mindset.
I weighed myself today. I don’t do it often. For the last ten years, I’ve been somewhere in the 150 – 157 pound range; I never see much of a fluctuation. Today, however, the scale read 163 pounds.
As soon as I read the numbers, I had a moment of panic. My thoughts raced: Am I getting fat again? Will 6 pounds become 12? Will 12 pounds become 30? When will it stop and what will happen if I become fat again? Everything that I thought I had left behind came boiling back up the surface with a vengeance.
I know why I’ve gained weight. For the last five months, I’ve been practicing a fitness program designed to strengthen my arms and shoulders. I’ve added muscle to my frame, and increased muscle mass means increased weight. But reasoning with the unreasonable never seems to help.
If there is one thing that this experience has taught me, it’s that this issue can’t be solved with the same mindset that created it. In other words, working out more only changes the externals. I have to transcend the mindset. Until I can learn to love myself more deeply and completely, I’ll always be held captive by the pain and delusion of my more portly self.
May 8, 2010 at 9:51 am
I know it can be difficult to leave baggage like this behind. I think that you are on the right track though, this is internal between the ears stuff. The external is only illusion anyway, right? : )
May 8, 2010 at 10:01 am
So it’s not just me? Other people have these “days” too?
I weighed 245 pounds the january before I started university by the time august rolled around I was one 170- lost 75 pounds in less than 6 months- I was proud of myself. I kept off the weight for 4 years only regaining 5 pounds back which is really good for that much weight loss (i’m normally now between 170-175) but I still see myself as the fat guy. even though I’m not. Little things freak me out. What do I look like? How to people see me? DO people see my problem areas? Do people realize …. etc etc.
I hit panic mode every week. ha.
I’ve tried not to weigh myself- but when I don’t – it’s not good. It’s an obsession- one I live with on the regular- Hell, I even changed my major in university to being an exercise science/fitness management major to ensure that I won’t ever be “fat” again. I only wish my head and my heart could shake the pounds that my body has.
Thanks for sharing this. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one with this problem.
May 8, 2010 at 10:02 am
seriously thanks for this- it’s got me thinking.
May 8, 2010 at 10:03 am
Wow this is so true. I recently lost 60 lbs from joining wrestling at my high school and now I still feel the same way. I’ve been thin for about 6 months now and I was wondering when it will go away??
May 8, 2010 at 10:22 am
As the poster boy for FAT people worldwide since being on the cover of the Bloodhound Gang CD, Hefty Fine in 2005, NAKED… I accepted my body long ago! But that didn’t stop me from losing 100#! I had a nickname growing up that I still detest to this day, because to the people I grew up with, that’s still who I am when I go back home! I won’t lie and say I don’t wish I looked like an Adonis like you do Davey… But I never could, so I am who I am. If I lose I’m OK.. if I don’t, I’m still OK. Life is too short to obsess over trivial crap like that! Thank God there are guys who feel I deserve to be loved too!
May 8, 2010 at 10:22 am
I used to be a fatty and it seriously scarred me as well, reading this was like reading the story of my childhood and hopefully when I’m twenty-something I’ll look as fantastic as you, but I doubt it hahaha
May 8, 2010 at 11:08 am
i was skinny growing up but my weight started yo-yoing in college, from about 150 to 190, which is a lot for a short guy with a 28″ waist. it didn’t help that i worked as a confectioner/chocolatier. so i quit that job and am working it back off. definitely messes with your mind, especially in this gay world of ours.
May 8, 2010 at 11:09 am
I am getting older and my metabolism has changed and my diet must reflect my age and activity.It does….
I have always been a Gym Rat so when I go to the gym I cover up the flaws,
The pain is between me and myself now.
May 8, 2010 at 12:24 pm
Bravo, Michael from above. It is just all an illusion.
May 8, 2010 at 12:25 pm
May 8, 2010 at 1:05 pm
I had been wondering if your pecs were growing or if I should get my eyes checked. One mystery solved today, compliments of DW
May 8, 2010 at 1:27 pm
I so know what you mean, when I was in school I would get picked on. To this day I still hear in my head the words they used, and if I hear people talking be hided me I think they are talking about me and how fat I am. So that makes me depressed and sad and want to eat more and more. I wish I would fix this, but like you said you have to love yourself first, so I have to find a way to do that.
May 8, 2010 at 1:36 pm
ive been struggling with an eating disorder for the past 4 years. im 16 now, 5’7″ and fluctuate between 110 and 120. ive come to realize that 110 is 130 is 250. it’s all the same, and it’s never the “right” weight. its 99.9% mental, and it makes me happy to see that you recognize that, because you gave a much needed reminder.
May 8, 2010 at 3:51 pm
I have been bullied for a v. Long time, meaning that I’m now 16 have been pulled out of school, have anorexia, axiety and deppression, but am Slowly getting used to my body, and I wish I could be happier with who I am, but DW you are special and you should be happier with your body, as it is perfect
May 8, 2010 at 4:38 pm
I think a lot of us have a similar story to tell.
I was chubby since the age of 9. I could never look in the mirror. The constant torment at home was the worst. At one point I decided toget in shape, but for me; for my sake. I did so and about a year later, I was bigger than before. It has taken me a long time to shed that weight as it was fast food weight that I gained working at a fast food restaurant.
I fluxuate a lot. I’ll lose weight and gain it back. I don’t do gyms cos I feel like a hamster in a wheel. I work out, when I can at home. I diet in binges and it helps.
The image thing is what I can never shed. When I wear clothes, it hides the fat. I wear form fitting clothes, not baggy at all. It’s when I take off my clothes that I see the ugly. I’ve been told that it’s not there, but I see it. It’s haunting. I don’t aspire the body of a god, I just want to look in the mirror and be comfortable with my flesh. But I think psychological help is more necessary.
May 8, 2010 at 8:01 pm
I know how you feel all to well. I have always been a big guy. Recently I have lost 30 pounds. Everyone can see this loss but me. I still see a fat ugle guy in the mirror. It is hard to change your mind set but it is one of the things I am working on as well as the weight. It all takes time.
May 8, 2010 at 11:39 pm
Alright, so I know that what you’re discussing is the illogical emotional response to the reopening of a deep-seated emotional wound. And I know that what really matters is the immaterial body and healing the mind. But let’s just look at this for a moment. You are GORGEOUS. GORGEOUS, Davey: breathtakingly so. And you still would be if you put on 10 pounds. Or 30. Or 50. And that’s purely talking about the physical. That assessment doesn’t even take into account the extraordinary beauty that your insight, your openness, and your optimism bring to the world. Does any of that change the fact that you have an automatic emotion response to a triggering event? Nope. But does it mean that you should try to extend some grace towards yourself? Yep. ‘Cause you’re beautiful. ***And you help other people feel beautiful.*** And, for that, and for simply being the loving human you are, you are as perfect as perfect can be, no matter what size you might have been or might become. Thank you for being you, and never forget how much you inspire us with your honesty and awareness.
May 8, 2010 at 11:42 pm
I was teased for being too skinny, then I got teased for being fat. Honestly, at this point, I need to lose about 60-75 lbs, but I need to get to a place where I do it for myself. Cuz if they teased me for being too skinny and too fat, they would have found something else to tease me about, so why try to figure out how to make them change their minds, when it’s my own that needs changing. As a friend once said, “I had to learn that the only opinon that counted was my own, and that my opinion is that I am the most epic, most awesome person to walk the planet.”
May 9, 2010 at 7:27 am
Davey I would still love you and read this blog every day if you became 300lbs. I understand what you are talking about because I was teased a lot as a kid and sometimes something will trigger a memory and all the feeling coming rushing back like when I was a kid.
May 9, 2010 at 7:47 am
DW, what I greatly admire about your blogs, even when I disagree with them is the issues that you are willing to tackle and your complete candor about yourself.
I have to say that I was a bit shocked when I read that you are still dealing with weight issues. I would have thought that with the body you have, you would have gotten over that, but I know from personal experience how hard that is. When my dad died, I was so upset that I could not eat solid food for a number of days and lived off boiled water only. Needless to say, I lost A LOT of weight, going down at one point to 127 (I am 5′ 11″). :Yet as thin as I was at 127, I still saw myself as fat! What i was seeing was filtered through my mind’s prism and that prism always viewed me as overweight, even though I was almost skeletal. It is very hard to free oneself from that prism or to modify it so that the prism accurately reflects the reality of one’s body.
May 9, 2010 at 8:04 am
Davey, once again you open up and we learn. My college weight was 138 at 5-6 and is now 200 (I am 58). I would be happy at 160. I have a large muscular frame. Medications and alcoholism take their toll. I stopped drinking and switched to carbs; found out I needed to take psych meds, one of which INcreases cravings and the other slows down the metabolism…they tell me to eat less and exercise more…I say to them…well, I am sober and sane…
I guess what I am trying to do is balance all of this and move ahead with a positive attitude.
Marty
May 9, 2010 at 9:21 am
You’re not living in the present Precious (no pun intended
).
May 9, 2010 at 10:00 am
Hey all! I’m so happy that we are all sharing our stories of struggles. I feel that even though I am still in the process of losing weight, I am not fat or chubby or a former fatty. If I say these things on a daily basis, I am allowing myself to daily revert back to that mindset remembering what I was. This is living in the past to me. Nia Vardalos wrote it best shen she said “Don’t let the past dictate who you are, but let it be a part of who you will become.” Yes I used to be fat, but
May 9, 2010 at 10:04 am
Yes I used to be fat but it is not who I am now. I am a man who has many good things going on in his life. I have people that love me and I am full of love and good positive energy. It took people telling me that I’m who I am because I made myself who I am today by looking forward, not backward. I love you all!
May 9, 2010 at 12:20 pm
Actually Davey, I’ve got a goal that is the opposite of yours (your youthful desire, needing to weigh less, but mine was rather being too skinny, needing to weigh more), so I can empathize with the dilemma of needing to weigh less but failing to react to the good news of healthy body weight gains (muscle is your desired goal), and I have noticed your arms and shoulders!
(Very attractive shoulders and arms Davey!!)
Congratulations on achieving a milestone, you look great at 163 lbs! What’s your muscle weight gain goal? 165 or 170 lbs?
Cheers!
Vance.
May 9, 2010 at 1:07 pm
Changing the subconscious programs/perceptions that run can be helped by 1) understanding they are there and 2) deleting them and for me this helps http://www.tatlife.com/
Many YouTube videos about this stuff so no need to buy anything
May 9, 2010 at 4:33 pm
Davey,
Muscle weighs more than fat, you are beautiful, just more masculine, ripped with heavier muscles!
Love you, Joey
May 9, 2010 at 6:49 pm
I am also gaining weight but not by muscle increase but by fats inside my body… hsaixt… I think it came from the calories from the beer
May 11, 2010 at 11:45 am
Davey, your only 163 pounds! that’s not even close to being fat. and who knows. maybe your just getting somemore awesoem muscles
.
May 14, 2010 at 12:17 am
Hahaha!! sometimes i imagine, what happen to me when my muscles are bigger than that..omg it looks so suck….eww
May 14, 2010 at 6:13 pm
You still look good Davey Wavey
May 15, 2010 at 1:09 am
when can we see your boyfriend or boycandy see you both in speado’s swim wear
May 16, 2010 at 8:38 pm
I have had the wonderful opportunity to experience my body at 350 lbs and 160 lbs and each moment that identified with my body, I lost connection the beauty around me. I feed my ego, and lost sight in the real truth, that what ever size you are..you are not your body. This moment, you are where you need to be and you are BEAUTIFUL. I have had to make peace with that I may never be a perfect “10″ or fit into a pair of skinny jeans, and its okay. There are people all over the world dealing with so much more life threatening issues that to list my issues relating to my body, well, sounds childish and foolish in the sight of war, famine, disease, and death. Love Life and Pursue Peace.
June 6, 2010 at 12:42 am
that’s so easy to say if people already say you’re good looking.
i spent last summer at summer college, and my psychology professor spent 2 weeks talking about how good looking people success, facial symmetry and height are important to success, average-facial features are coveted……….. ugh i spent my entire summer sleeping in my dorm room because i just felt so horrible!
June 6, 2010 at 1:22 am
I hear what you are say! I say F**K symmetry!
July 21, 2010 at 3:07 pm
I have to say that I love the shot of your on the Bloodhound Gang CD. I believe in loving people for who they are inside, it’s the heart that counts…and hard to be prejudice against a good heart. Doesn’t matter what race, creed, color, sexual preference it comes in…
…but then again…I have always also been attracted to the more ample crowd! So I REALLY REALLY like the CD cover!
Continue to be what and whoever you want to be and allow people like me to appreciate the heart behind it!