Labels are for clothes, but I recently adopted a new one: Love exile.
Love exiles are trans-national couples that are unable to live together due to immigration policies. There are countless stories of other love exiles, many more tragic than my own.
I’m an American. My boyfriend is a Canadian. Under current laws, he could spend six months staying with me in the US. But after that, he’d have to leave. I could then spend six months in Canada, dividing up my time. Such a nomadic life is fine when you’re 26, but it isn’t necessarily conducive to raising a family and children.
And all of this assumes that you have the means and flexibility to travel, leave work, etc., etc.
Of course, Canada is one of the few countries that recognizes same-sex marriage at the federal level, so we have the option of eloping. Assuming we did marry in the distant future, I could become a Canadian citizen. We have options. Like I said, I’m one of the lucky love exiles.
For a lot of people, there aren’t options. For many countries, visiting restrictions are much tighter. And a lot of people don’t have the means or flexibility to pick their lives up and move every few months. These are the real love exiles, and for some reason, their stories are largely neglected.
If you’re angry, direct your passions into something productive. If you’re from the United States, you can send a pre-written letter to your representatives here. If you’re not from the United States, spend a few minutes on Google to connect with your national LGBT immigration organization.
Man built borders but the universe created love; homophobic ordinances, restrictions and regulations can’t quell the unquellable. Nonetheless, a change in policy could certainly make things a bit easier for the hundreds of thousands of couples in need of a break.
August 10, 2009 at 8:09 am
This really breaks my heart. I know what it is life when Justin is gone just for a week. I can not even think what it would be like if laws kept you from being together.
This makes me grateful for having the love I have and the opportunity to be together. Sure he might upset me with leaving his towel on the floor, forgetting to return movies, and being too early to everything but I get to experience this every day.
Others only dream what it would be like and they would cherish any moment they could have.
Of course some might regret it once they get the towel on the floor sitation…
August 10, 2009 at 8:46 am
It is hard when the law is against you and your love!If the law kept me away from my love I would probably break it!
August 10, 2009 at 9:30 am
I immigrated from the US to Canada back in 1996, to be with my boyfriend. Even then, back before same-sex couples were recognized by Canada, it was obvious that Canada was going to be the more welcoming home for a gay couple. I was lucky enough to be able to qualify as an independent immigrant, rather than having to attempt to rely upon the then-inconsistent, special-case “humanitarian grounds” that other gay couples used at the time.
Flash forward 13 years, and I’m now a Canadian citizen (as well as having kept US citizenship). For me, it’s no longer a question of being able to live together in one country, but now it’s all about income taxes, and planning for eventual estate taxes. Without US federal recognition of my partner, I’m going to have to go through major hoops to protect assets that would, for a straight couple, transfer automatically and as a matter of course. Even in petty, routine matters of which line to stand in at the airport, when coming back to the US to visit, we’re constantly reminded of our second-class status in the US….
August 10, 2009 at 10:23 am
I emigrated from the US to Canada in 2002 and filed my citizenship papers and they allowed me to stay in the country pending the outcome. It finally came in 10 months later. I lucked out.
If you really love him and you want to get into Canada there are ways to do it properly and by the book. I don’t know if you are ready to settle down and change your nomadic lifestyle. That is for you to decide and also Scotty as well.
I guess you are coming to the end of your stay, there are always ways to extend visas through the visa dept in Alberta, just a phone call away, and they are pretty accommodating.
Think about it.
Jeremy
August 10, 2009 at 11:12 am
Oh my god , governments and their precious technical rules and regs. I think that this is total bull. And you’re right at the end , speaking about the homophobic walls put up to prevent people like you from loving your wonderful boyfriend across the border. I just shake my head, I need not say more, because many people probably share what I want to be in outrage over ! I have a similar problem with my boyfriend , except hes in Alberta, and i’m over here in Ontario, so really just a distance issue, not an inter-governmental issue, I guess mine is a little easier to deal with. In conclusion to this, Davey , I wish for the absolute best for you and your boyfriend, and I really hope that something will happen in your favour sooner than later. Not just for you , but for the MANY other couples that share your problem !
Peace out !
August 10, 2009 at 2:10 pm
The world still has quite a ways to grow and mature. Education, open-mindedness, and communication will help us progress and develop ways to alleviate those borders and ordinances which act as restrictions and barriers rather than advocating shared space and cross continental ideals. Keep you fingers crossed and help to spread the word!
Ciao!
August 10, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Davey you’re so right! I met my partner when working in the US and we’ve been together for 7 years. We lovexand trust each other and I’d move to the US in a heartbeat if I could. We’re both fortunate in that we have good jobs and can afford to see each other every month – which means a transatlantic journey for one of us (I’m in the UK). Let’s hope US laws change and genuine equality shines through! Great site BTW:)
August 10, 2009 at 4:06 pm
OMG thats 2 bad
:S
damn well
u have a boyfriend
u break my heart
ok no but we could b lovers gRRR
hahah jk
ok cya davey wavey you f*****g ROCK!! dude
YOU ROCK!
August 10, 2009 at 6:10 pm
I’m lucky too, I have dual citizenship, Canadian and American.
I was always wondering if you married a same-sex partner in one of the United States that allows same-sex marriage, does that person automatically get their citizenship approved like they do in Canada, or does that only work with straight couples, or does it work at all in the US? In Canada if I were to marry a foreigner they would have their citizenship process sped up significantly. I’m lucky too, I have dual citizenship, Canadian and American.
August 10, 2009 at 6:43 pm
The US states that allow same-sex marriage wouldn’t really have a say in the matter, as US citizenship is a function of the federal government. Between this, and federal income and estate taxes, the position of the feds matters a lot more to me than the position of any one state, particularly as I don’t live in the US anymore.
Not that the steps taken in the states that allow same-sex marriage aren’t important — they are terribly important. I’m just saying there’s still a long way to go, and for me the most important step is federal recognition.
August 11, 2009 at 8:11 am
But do straight couples who get married receive federal benefits? Such as allowing the immigrant spouse to stay in the country by say ‘fast passing’ his/her application for a green card, or whatever they have over there?
August 10, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Hey man,
You are so right about the crazy politics that separate so many people from their loved ones. Especially Canadians and Americans… I thought we were friends?!
I am so proud that my country has taken the steps to work towards equality for the gay community.
August 11, 2009 at 12:50 am
Yeah my boyfriend who lives in canada ended up finding someone who he liked who he could also live with, because apparently dating a guy in america was just too hard. i want to cry.
August 11, 2009 at 2:00 am
long distance relationship is not for the weak of heart!
August 11, 2009 at 1:59 am
One of the reason I moved here was b/c I want to live with my partner, we finally made it after a long process that took 22 months… we didn’t elope, we actually apply as common law partners. The process is such an ordeal.
If you go that way DW, good luck! Even if you marry you have to apply for residency and it is not easy b/c you are american.
the long distance part sucks!
PS: a couple friend of mine recently told me this unrelated (kind of) story. They both are canadians and they are married same sex couple, they were going to Buffalo for shopping, and they filled up one form as a family. The US immigration denied the entry as that, their marriage is not legal in the US, they were forced to fill up separate forms….
August 11, 2009 at 3:47 am
David,
Throughout life, one will have to make hard choices and make true decisions.
But here, the question is : are you really ready for a true stable relationship with your boyfriend? Or simply is he?
That’s all you have to ask you both yourselves !
If the answer is “yes”, then nothing will stop you and together, you will always find adequate solutions to your problems.
It is also to know, if now, David, you are mature enough to make the decision to live with him.
Moreover,in a way, isn’t it also telling yourself the truth about the profundity of your feelings for your boyfriend by making or not making a choice?
But all this is ONLY my opinion !!!!!
bye,
August 11, 2009 at 6:23 am
Well I have waited a year now… a year without sex, it has certainly been a change in my life.
But hopefully within 6 weeks the Visa will finally be granted.
It is a real case of living in hope. We have only spent two weeks together.
Regular email contact has been for four years.
And thank God for web cams and Yahoo and Skype.
**
I often think that couples survived 6 years of separation in World War 2, Surely I can manage a year.
But we have spent just two weeks together.
And living here will be very different for my partner.
I will be a different person too.
I really hope that it works out.
**
What saddens me is people who abuse the immigration system to make money.
Typically a quick £300 can be made.
No wonder people get annoyed.
Also it is terrible that people become immigrants and then moan continually about the country they have come to,
August 11, 2009 at 7:06 am
Thank you Davey. I am part of a bi-national relationship. Everyone please click the link in Davey’s post and support the Uniting Families Act.
August 11, 2009 at 7:20 am
It is very true and tragic and being in this situation you realize that great injustices exist in our society.
An immigration attorney friend of mine told he expects gay marriages to be accepted at the federal level within a year or two. I wonder if that is possible. Well, today we have a Black president so miracles do happen.
August 11, 2009 at 7:49 am
dont hold your breath-John-Obama-is dragging his feet on gay issues.his slogan-change we can believe in-its rather disputes and arguments-no real change-for now.
August 11, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Your worst enemy will be Gay people who discredit the process
for political, sexual or financial reasons.
Where a relationship is genuine things can indeed be tragic.
1) But some people see a chance to make easy money.
2) Others are politically opposed to immigration controls.
3) There are a host of countries around the world where Gay sex is illegal.
Rather than having real compassion for the people affected – a few people will see it as a chance to get sex they might not otherwise have. Checking Gaydar or any other of the contact sites shows how desperate the need is. These people are often very poor too.
**
It happens that way in the straight world.
It happens with Muslim arranged marriages.
So it can happen with Gay people.
**
Where there are such abuses they really help ruin our case
We also lack credibility if it is an Open Relationship on arrival.
**
You need to be aware of valid criticisms if you are to fight this issue.
It alos does not help if people arrive and then continually criticise the country they have come to.
August 11, 2009 at 7:44 am
immigration laws lack civility in the States.on federal level-in Canada–because of same-sex being on the books-and law-you see Canada-is most interested in fairness-fairplay and civility comes to mind.DW-you need to make a committment-if thats what you and Scotty want-now in your mid-twenties.that decision is both up to you.weighing immigration problem-it would be-Canada-is the better option.immigration law-it appears-changes way too slowly in the States.it may change-but full recognition may take way too long-and most likely not happen in your natural lifetimes.
August 11, 2009 at 9:53 am
Elope to the “Great White North,” Davey!!
August 11, 2009 at 12:01 pm
That’s why we need the right to marry, so partners can be protected under the law as a married couple.
But then, single Gays would be chased by young hansom men to marry then to get citizenship, ah! the price we Gays must pay for international harmony.
August 11, 2009 at 3:55 pm
We live in Switzerland – one of the 20 countries that recognize same-sex couples and their right to immigrate together.
However, I am an American citizen, who still has to pay taxes (a lot of money !)….yet receive little benefits, in comparison to the discrimination that is thrown my way.
Shouldn’t I (all of us !) have the same Constituional-granted right to pursuit our own happiness ?
Why are we excluded from this right ?
Why hasn’t our elected officials (our President, included) haven’t pass UAFA ?
Why is this cruelty continued year after year ?
Please support UAFA – write your Senators and Representatives to support UAFA and its inclusion into Comprehensive Immigration Policy
Thanks
August 11, 2009 at 11:20 pm
I feel for you. I went through a very similar situation with my partner. We met over 12 years ago and had to work on get him Canadian citizenship for the next 6 years. He is now a Canadian citizen and we are still together, and going strong.
August 12, 2009 at 3:43 am
Sometimes adversity helps build stronger relationships – but not always.
August 14, 2009 at 10:52 pm
As much I have seen the world change in the last 50 years so much doesn’t. This type of thing is ridiculous at its very center. I send out positive energy to the universe. We shall get this changed.
August 16, 2009 at 12:44 pm
I see where it might be difficult seeing as every country has different immigration laws; however it is not that difficult to live in the U.S. indefinitely as a non-citizen. My grandparents, who are in their 70s, have lived here since their late teens and neither of them are U.S. citizens. The only thing they have to do is renew their green cards on time every so many years.
August 26, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Hmm, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 2two and a half years. In the beginning it was very difficult because he was from America and I am from Canada. I thought it was impossible, but after 3-4months he made the decision to move here to Canada even though there were no means of staying, all he and I knew was that we wanted to be together.
He invested some time to figuring out how to live here legally, and found out that by going to school here, he was able to for a year. During his schooling he did an internship at this company. The company ended up hiring him after he got his work visa which is valid for the amount of schooling he went to which was one year. Currently he is working on getting his permanent residency and we are living together in the heart of Vancouver.
I think that in order for love exiles to work, one person or both, have to make sacrifices in order to be together. In my case, my boyfriend decided to move here. Although he had to make big sacrifices, it was the only way we could be together. We have been happily living with each other for 2 years now and it has worked out just great for us. There is hope when light is absent.
August 26, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Hmm, my boyfriend and I have been dating for two and a half years. In the beginning it was very difficult because he was from America and I am from Canada. I thought it was impossible, but after 3-4months he made the decision to move here to Canada even though there were no means of staying, all he and I knew was that we wanted to be together.
He invested some time to figuring out how to live here legally, and found out that by going to school here, he was able to for a year. During his schooling he did an internship at this company. The company ended up hiring him after he got his work visa which is valid for the amount of schooling he went to which was one year. Currently he is working on getting his permanent residency and we are living together in the heart of Vancouver.
I think that in order for love exiles to work, one person or both, have to make sacrifices in order to be together. In my case, my boyfriend decided to move here. Although he had to make big sacrifices, it was the only way we could be together. We have been happily living with each other for 2 years now and it has worked out just great for us. There is hope when light is absent.
August 26, 2009 at 5:37 pm
oops, it posted twice. LOL.