One man dodging a draft and another man willfully enlisting are actions that both serve the same ultimate end goal: happiness. Similarly, it holds true that one man deleting his manhunt profile and another man creating one are both actions aimed at that very same destination of all destinations.
All of us hope to create happier lives (perhaps in vain) through the actions we take. It is our ultimate motivator. Speaking on the pursuit of happiness, Blaise Pascal, the famous philosopher and mathematician, once wrote:
The will [of man] never takes the least step but to this object [called happiness]. This is the motive of every action of every man, even of those who hang themselves.
While the pursuit of happiness is universal, it has a very subjective element; the routes we travel to get there are very different. Just as going to war may inflate one person’s level of happiness, it could seriously damper the happiness level of another. And so it is with manhunt.
While the goal of happiness may stay the same, the paths we take to get there are constantly shifting. When I was in university, seducing guys through online portals (like manhunt and dudesnude) was central to my emotional happiness pursuit. I don’t want to say that it was entirely un-fulfilling, as I quite enjoyed it at the time. It wasn’t the deep, lasting happiness that I’ve come to value, but it was fun and it was an expression of my new found sexuality. I honor it.
Though old habits don’t necessarily die hard, I’ve found this habit hard to kick. I no longer enjoy the experience of hooking up (and the tension it causes in my relationship, albeit an open one). Almost a year ago, I deleted my online profiles. It was a short lived but well intentioned endeavor that lasted only a few months.
I use the word habit, but realize it may be more of an addiction. I may be addicted to the rush of excitement and adrenaline that comes from clicking that “browse profiles” button.
I’m not losing sleep over it, and I know that time is a great healer. Quitting cold turkey may have not worked for me, but perhaps I can ween myself off in the years to come.
August 22, 2009 at 10:35 am
What was your profile name? i use dudeforeu on manhunt and adam
August 22, 2009 at 10:35 am
Do you actually meet guys on Manhunt and the other sites or are you just using it for the thrill of seeing people who are interested, etc?
August 22, 2009 at 11:50 am
I used to have a dudesnude profile. In fact, I had one for about a year after my boyfriend and I went official and we even had a joint one for awhile! But, we decided to delete them. We both found that it was making one of us jealous when a guy would show interest in one and not the other.
Like Jason suggested, I used to get off just from interacting with guys that showed interest.
Now, I just use the free browse function.
August 22, 2009 at 11:56 am
So, you are a bad boy,eh……..
August 22, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I agree,
Looking online is a thrill, You keeping going on to see if there is anyone new or look at the guy you saw out last night but who did not notice you. So you leave a track in the hope that he will respond.
Does not always happen but you go back for more. You even take a break and diss it in front of friends but, like me, you keep a profile on…for observational purposes naturally!!
August 22, 2009 at 5:22 pm
I totally agree!!!
August 22, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Yea, I hadn’t heard of dudesnude until now, but I would say I am addicted to it….now.
August 22, 2009 at 2:25 pm
hehe i find myself in a similar boat as you. i love my boyfriend, we’ve been together for almost 19 months. the one difference is that we’re in a closed relationship, and because this was agreed on at the beginning i wouldn’t dream of cheating on him. but sometimes i find myself logging on to a site like manhunt or gaydar and playing the game, just to see what bites. he doesn’t like it, doesn’t see the need for it when we’re in a committed relationship together, and doesn’t understand that its almost a form of stress relief, escapism perhaps. its something i am trying to cut out, but its a slow process, and agree with your estimation of a realistic timeline
August 25, 2009 at 12:52 pm
The Hisadic Jews believe taht what we see
with our eyes we echo in our souls.
They say that is why pornography is bad.
But I think they may have a point.
**
It’s a case of “Security and Freedom”.
We may long for one when we have the other.
But would you honestly be happy if he started
enjoying the same thing?
The natural next step would be either
threesomes or an open relationship.
You can agree things like “open relationship when
we are away on holiday” – my brother and
his partner survived that way.
But I believe that all addiction (including wild sex)
is like slavery.
Fixation on sex can limit our lives.
It can distort our ability to love and care for others.
So as the Hasidic Jews say these things can
indeed echo into our souls.
Sure it can be fun…
But it can also lead to people being badly
damaged and hurt.
**
I do know – I caused my ex terrible distress
and then got hurt myself.
Not something I am proud of.
August 22, 2009 at 3:34 pm
It makes me think to the sharks furrowing the sea and suddenly attracted by the smell of a new prey!!!
August 22, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Sounds like something to ween from gently…cold turkey is hard sometimes…
Ciao!
August 22, 2009 at 4:47 pm
A lot of the comments here I agree with.
There are tons of guys on there that aren’t looking who are in closed relationships. I think we all want to be wanted. Or we want to know we can still play the game.
I agree there is a rush that comes from the game and who knows if it is healthy or not. I think time really does allow you to see what is important and isn’t important.
The real test is your won feelings:
Do you feel guilty? Do you feel ashamed? Do you feel bad? Are you afraid to get caught?
This is when the habit isn’t healthy. You are telling yourself it is not worth it and it is not fun to you. You feel something is wrong and you should listen more to how you feel and move from there.
Some guys it is just innocent fun and they know that and there are not negative feelings with it.
August 22, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Maybe it’s because I have never used one of the sites but the idea doesn’t particularly appeal to me. I can also see the point of view other’s have if they have a problem with this, I doubt I would be amused if my boyfriend was using these sites.
I wouldn’t go out to a club and check out other guys and I don’t see a real difference by doing it over the internet, albeit slightly less personal. Again, just my opinion. Perhaps I might feel differently if I had tried the sites…
August 22, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Thanx for this interesting and illuminating discussion. I am a new reader of this blog. Some years ago I quit using Outpersonals and gay.com chat because they required considerable time and effort and because they bore so few tangible results. Rarely did I actually meet someone worthwhile. I have been considering joining Manhunt, as it seems to be the most widely used m4m site. I really don’t have the time to devote to such an effort, as I learned previously that I really had to be diligent in order to make any contacts at all. Also, I have acquaintances from my gay ski/snowboarding group, actually some quite studly guyz, who spend hours on Manhunt in the ski condo after hours. Seems that they, like some of you, are just killing time with little interest in actually meeting men.
Now I can rest assured, based upon this blog posting, that my previous experiences are still valid. Manhunt and similar sites are likely to continue to be a waste of my valuable time. I really despise this element of the gay community. Get a life of your own, guys, and quit toying with those of others who might earnestly be trying to find their partner.
I think I’m gonna barf.
August 23, 2009 at 6:51 am
I totally relate and agree with your comments.
I’ve also found the time & energy investment led to
very little return…phew… i thought it was just me!
peace
August 22, 2009 at 7:53 pm
I think my addiction to online sites is similar to clothes shopping. Finding that unique item or getting some designer item that no one seems to have for less money. It is our modern way to be hunter-gatherers. I don’t meet guys from the sites anymore since I have a bf but I haven’t stopped my serious shopping. LMAO.
August 22, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Judging from some of the hateful and boneheaded blather posted to your video blog, I’d say that profile browsing (follow-the-hottie, as my boyfriend and I like to call it) is a much safer, anonymous way to make pseudo-intimate contact with other people. We need intimacy… we have a need to be known, but some of us prefer to be known on our own terms… follow-the-hottie enables us to control the context of intimacy… whether it be for the hook-up or the sweetly secret guilty rush of anonymous voyeurism.
These are like emotional sugar rushes… they’re a nice treat, but hardly nourish the soul. The heart is like a garden… we use the s**t that life dumps on us to nurture the things that make a home… and because home is where the heart is it’s the one place where we can invite someone into our inner sanctum and EXPECT them to put up with out s**t on a daily basis (and vice versa)… that’s nurturing at its most basic.
August 23, 2009 at 6:17 am
I am 23 and when i first starting comming out, i used these portals to meet other guys. I thought it served as a good medium for me to meet other guys as it’s pretty crappy when 17 and you don’t know anyone who’s gay.
However at this age, I have grown particulary to dislike some of these sites. The hot guys come in abundance surely but unfortunately there’s too much hate plastered on the walls in there.
I however still visit them far too often and its probablly becoming an addiction I need to learn to get rid off!
but then again when ur toey – hmmph!!!
Janos
August 23, 2009 at 7:44 am
Addiction is slavery.
It is not living life to the full.
Sexual addiction is no better than heroin or gambling.
A sexy straight friend who is addicted to slot machines, spends money that should be used for feeding his child that way. It destroys that vital personal relationship. They survive on welfare and it is only because the welfare goes to his wife that he does not spend that too.
He really loves his child.
**
I said he is sexy, sure is, and I was attracted to him like crazy when I found him in a gay bar one night.
That attraction could have ruined the relationship I had with his wife who I had known as a baby. It would have destroyed the trust that I have built up with the family.
Thankfully I did not act on it.
**
My summary – IT IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSES SIN THAT IS SO BAD – never our own.
That is why Jesus told the story about dealing with the plank in your own eye before complaining of the speck of sawdust in someone elses.
August 23, 2009 at 10:11 am
wow
i did not think you were into those sort of sites.
i figured they just came to you.
=)
Oj
August 23, 2009 at 5:56 pm
a bit SAD isn’t it.
August 24, 2009 at 12:59 pm
casting the first stone I see
August 23, 2009 at 7:23 pm
what means to be addicted to hookup sites?
i use them as a like. sometimes rarely, sometimes daily. meanwhile i have a good hand in picking the best guys (for sex).
and this while i’m in very happy marriage with my HB! still having sex together, but from the beginning of our relationship also having sex in our own ways. maybe it’s the secret of having such a good time together.
so guys, don’t be to morally, hookup sites aren’t devilish when you are still yourself!!
kisses
August 23, 2009 at 7:27 pm
oh, did i mention: we met for the first time online, in the last millennium, had a date und fell in love at first (real) sight
)
August 24, 2009 at 12:31 pm
It will all end in tears!
August 24, 2009 at 4:16 pm
I havent used online portals to find love; i am only 15. However i think it is fair i have my say, oline portals open a new door to the world; wether your after a man, or a woman, online portals allow you to find partically anyone, anywhere. There are two good things that come of this; love being the number one result, but also friendship with those who don’t quite match up. I also feel there are a few things wrong with it – it isn’t the same as meeting someone in person, spending time with them (lets be fair, interactive communication doesn’t have the same effect as in person interaction) and generally getting to know them. I think if you know someone well, and have seen them and know them, then you can have a worthy relationship – simply because you know them in person (not virtually – u can neva tell if sum1 is acting or being genuine). This is just my opinion and i think it works best this way. I could be wrong, maybi ppl like the thrill of meeting a stranger tht you met online or maybi ppl just like advertising themselves for the response. Maybi online relationships work out best. I’m not sure and i’m not the one to judge someones relationship, if it is based from an online portal or not – this is simply my view on the matter.
I can happily and safely say that i won’t use online portals, howeva effective they maybi. you cant be sure of the threats that can occur.
I hope no one is offended
love and peace
Jack
August 24, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Be careful of such things if you are 15 Jack – there are some nasty people out there in the world who will try all sorts of tricks. Just make sure who you are dealing with.
//
The big thing on the gay scene is the simple thrill of immediate sex when you are noth excited.
That is Ok but for true love to develop things need to be taken more slowly.
Then something beautiful can emerge.
Otherwise the immediate thrill from quick exciting sex slowly diminishes.
I am trying to change from that quick thrill attitude myself.
It is not always easy – but then things which are worthwhile often are not easy.
Good luck be happy x.
August 24, 2009 at 7:30 pm
thx clivey,
as usuall u look out for me and offer gr8 advice! much respect!
Love and Peace
Jack
August 24, 2009 at 10:37 pm
interestingly someone had 4 of your pictures on manhunt about 3 weeks ago and claimed to have been a gymnast…there profile had them listed as living in the westchester ny area…didnt think it was actually you davey…
or was it?
August 25, 2009 at 3:32 am
I thought you have a boyfriend (?)
August 25, 2009 at 9:52 pm
I just deleted my profile as I’ve been feeling not myself. Yeah the thrill of it is exciting but I’ve been finding that it’s been taking away from my opportunities to make meaningful relationships with people.
I spent so much time looking to score a hookup that I really haven’t taken the time to enjoy the people that I have in my life.
What’s funny Davey is that stumbling onto your blog and hearing the many things you’ve said had prompted me to delete my account and work on me as a person for a change. So I’m going to try to go cold turkey as it will and not troll hoping that there is someone who can move on with myself.
February 21, 2010 at 11:23 am
Daniel-
You hit the nail on the head. I too, began to not feel like “me” . It robs me of my interest in my dear friends, my creative work, and my lust for life. I have had so much sex in my 45 years on Earth: When will it be enough? Never, apparently. I have created and deleted so many times on MH and A4A. I have a devoted partner and soul-mate of 11 years who I treasure. The sex (and seeking of) is always about me and my low self esteem. Like everything, discipline is required for all things worthwhile. People don’t like the word “discipline” because it implies work. Well, yes. But the work’s reward is so great that it makes the draw of on-line pursuit of sex and thrills lackluster by comparison. When I am being the best version of myself, I am high all the time. When I am being sincere, honest, forgiving, and open…well it beats any sexual high I ever had. Growing older has it’s perks. The best being the ability to recognize that every choice we make, manifests something in our lives somehow. Getting laid and being sought after is like a snake with a tail in it’s mouth…it is never enough.
August 27, 2009 at 12:42 am
i’m done with the internet. someone else just posted my picture on craigslist. i just feel so violated.
September 9, 2009 at 2:36 pm
I’ve been on manhunt for years. i actually met my ex-boyfriend (dated 3.5 years) on hotornot.com. it was hook-up turned *monogamous* relationship. so you never know what you’ll find.
But manhunt, Adam4adam, dudesnude create unbelivable codependency. HATE IT. I’m weening myself off of online dating, it not only wastes TONS of your time, but doesn’t create any real revelance in life. no good friends, nothing accomplished, no goals met, no life experience, maybe good (or bad) sex once in a while. but for all the time spent on it (which for me has been a lot) – not worth it. It’s so hard to quit though.
September 20, 2009 at 1:52 am
we all have bad habits. did you know the true essence of the word karma actually means habit or profession? really. when the buddha talked about karma, he really talked about the activities we do each day (either as a profession or a habit) and what effect that has on others within our universe. and that ripple effect one day comes back to have an effect on us.
December 24, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Online sites I do believe are horrible things to bring with you into a relationship. Most people do desire that long and happy relationship and it leads to making promises to get rid of such accounts. If people do have a problem or an addiction with going onto such accounts, they should talk about it and let their partner know what is going on. Its only fair for the relationship cause if you don’t it just adds problems to the situation like the fact that your lying, and if your lying about that, you get questioned with what else are you lying about. Also those thoughts and ideas are very special and important to a relationship, and to not give them fully to your partner does strongly affect your relationship. That should be the part of the relationship that is personal cause those ideas and thoughts are a big part of who you are, and if your giving them to other people instead of your partner, your not really committing to anything. Sure, most guys can get anyways combining the sites with relationships. Maybe cause their partner knows that the community isn’t the greatest and that they will get that in most relationships, but it still doesn’t make it right to make your partner feel that way and to not fully share yourself with your partner. Yeah, relationships are scary as hell because we all know that the more we give of ourself to another the more hurt we will be if it doesn’t work out. But what about all the extra benefits of sharing yourself? Don’t those great feelings outweigh the bad ones? And if you don’t share yourself completely with your partner, aren’t the chances of it not working out so much greater. Why, if the desire for a long and lasting relationship is so strong do guys want to set themselves up for disaster. Just cause we’re gay doesn’t mean that the rules of relationships change just for us. If you were giving advice to a girlfriend about what to do if her partner was talking and engaging in sexually orientated conversations or actions, what would you tell her to do? Maybe to leave the guy cause she deserves better? Its the same way with gay relationships, those feelings are still there and they impact the relationships the same way. Maybe we are better at hiding those feelings or pretending they don’t exist, but its just a bunch of bullshit.
April 26, 2010 at 11:14 pm
Wow I am so glad to have stumbled upon this dialogue. I myself have spent countless hours trying to score something on Manhunt. I have a loving partner and quickly became lured by the promise of great sex. I am only 25 and have realized what an empty world it is. I’m sick and tired of being a slave to dopamine and instant gratification. It has blinded me to the beauties of life that lie outside my door and my computer screen. Instant gratification is killing us, it’s killing what he have inside that makes us who we are. We quickly become sex zombies at the drive thru, I’m deleting my profile on Manhunt. Thanks Jack H. and Daniel for posting your thoughts, they kind of lit a lightbulb in me…
September 12, 2010 at 9:54 am
It’s a time bomb for a relationship.
October 20, 2010 at 7:30 am
Pedro-
I am glad that you came across this post too. I’ve been back on both sites since I posted last and just deleted them both this morning (after a 3 week run). Again, I forgot what I know about how they affect mt life. Most of the time, I wasn’t even horny this last go-round…it was just pure validation seeking of the lowest kind. I’m getting older and used to be a bit more attractive and was trying to get some attention for my ego’s bottomless pit of an appetite. I get really sick of it. Geez! But, I’m deciding to begin again….not beat myself up….move on…be the real me (who, if I remember correctly, is pretty great.)
There is nothing wrong with sex….but you gotta realize when it is morphing in to something ugly for yourself. I hope you are doing well too.
May 29, 2011 at 5:08 pm
thank you so much for this! you’ve made perfect sense.