“I f*****g hate you! Mother f****r!”
I stopped dead in my tracks. Chipotle’s ears perked up, not understanding the words but feeling their intensity.
I was walking down the corridor of my condo building when I heard the shouting. I realized it was coming from a neighbor’s unit. It was a man shouting at his girlfriend.
“You f*****g bitch. I f*****g hate you, you piece of s**t. f**k you. f**k YOU! Get my bag. I’m leaving.”
Stunned, I stood in front of their door, frozen by the context of the language.
Violence isn’t only present in our actions, of course. It can be found in our words. Words have power. How we use that power is up to each of us.
The words I heard came not from the man, but instead from his ego. It was the terrified cry of a hurt ego. The man’s ego was clawing at lost ground, desperate to assert itself by any means possible. An ego playing defense is a dangerous thing.
Perhaps his girlfriend had cheated. His shocked ego wondered, “Am I not good enough? Am I not handsome enough? Is my dick too small? What does he have that I don’t?”
And so, his battered ego sought to inflate itself the only way it knows: by tearing down another person. In this case, someone he loves.
I cried for them. And, as the darkness of the night closed in, I heard his screeching tires rip down the street and through my heart.
March 27, 2009 at 9:51 am
i hate arguments, i think they are not needed in a world where fighting and killing are common place, we turn on the news and dont bat an eyelid when someone is killed.
another fantastic blog entry that one again gets me thinkin. Thanks Davey!
March 27, 2009 at 10:21 am
That is an extremly deep message Davey. Very Profound. I hate when people fight. My parents are never nearly that bad, but I just feel so uncomfortable when my parents bicker. My Mom will snap at my Dad, “You never listen to me”, and my Dad will snap back, while of course, lol, not listening. But thats about the extent of their fights, they love each other. But I know how I feel when they fight, it’s not fun. Love your blog. You inspired me to write my own, not as good as yours though.
March 27, 2009 at 11:15 am
This makes me think about my first step-dad. He was a real yeller. He said horrible things, things I’d feel uncomfortable even typing, to my mom. Whenever it happened I always felt so helpless. This is probably why I avoided confrontation for a long time. Then I realized little confrontations are part of life, as long as they don’t elevate to a point of shouting at instead of talking to people.
I’m using “confrontations” in the last sentence as a synonym for disagreements.
March 27, 2009 at 11:19 am
Brings back some unfortunate memories from childhood. Definitely have been there, in that position of overhearing things that I shouldn’t have been exposed to. Hope things work out and that they can move on, together or separately. It’s unjust that you have to be exposed to things like that, but it does lend towards those life lessons of understanding about why people argue and fight…
Long winded I know…Hope all is well and that you are doing better after hearing nonsense like that.
Ciao!
March 27, 2009 at 12:51 pm
I guess I haven’t been that fortunate, or maybe I have?? I grew up with parents that fought (and still fight) at least once a week. It never escalated beyond that most of the time, but there was a time involving the Internet, my father being suspicious of my mother, and causing her to leave for a day or two. I can remember when she came back, she was mad at me because I called her and was crying for her to come back. I’ll never forget the guilt she put on me instead of on herself. She’s very good at placing the blame elsewhere…
March 27, 2009 at 12:57 pm
You’re a really worthy person, Davey! It’s so unbelievable to see how visionary you are and quite lovely! There’s a music that says: “My trip would end up at you, and now I know paradise!”
That’s how I feel ’bout ya!
See ya!
March 27, 2009 at 1:09 pm
i said that to myself once…i regret it.
March 27, 2009 at 2:12 pm
That made me cry. I have been in that situation on both sides, but not for a long time…
March 27, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Like someone once said: we scream to avoid suffering in silence.
March 27, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Just pop in a DVD of John Water’s “Female Trouble” and you will be SO over it.
March 27, 2009 at 9:04 pm
My neighbours beneath me fight often. I will be roused from my sleep at least weekly at 3 or 4 in the morning. Sometimes more frequently. From what I can hear – muffled by a concrete floor – I believe they are physically violent towards one another. I have heard the guy say, on a number of occasions, Don’t f*****g hit me!.
I’ve gone to their door and stood there trying to gether up the nerve to knock and offer my services as a life coach but then my inner voice sabbotages me and tells me how inappropriate that would be in the middle of a fight so late at night. I’ve dialled 9-1 and hung up because I don’t want to seem like an intrusive neighbour. If it were me I think I’d want people to let me work it out. I’ve considered complaining to the condo board but I refuse to be that person who tattles to a higher authority rather than handling the problem on my own. Which leaves me pounding on the floor to get them to shut up. That worked the first few times but they’ve become so accustomed to it they don’t seem to care anymore.
It bothers me that these people fight so bitterly and so frequently. It makes me wonder why they remain together. How much respect can a person have for his or herself to remain in a relationship based on anger. They obviously see no alternative. And I realize I cannot fix it no matter what I do. These people have to find their own paths and there’s nothing I can do to steer them.
Life is too short to live our lives in disempowering contexts and relationships. These people are obviously not empowered to take their lives by the reins and live happily. I don’t feel empowered to do what it would take to make a real difference for them. Or at least I haven’t yet. Maybe next time.
On a brighter note, I got my T-Shirt from Mondonation.com today. I believe that cooperation – not competition – is the key to winning the game of life. The people at Mondonation.com were so nice in my dealing with them and I know I’m going to be buying a few more T-Shirts from them.
March 27, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Davey Wavey您不應該惱怒為这种人(Davey Wavey You should not angry for this kind of person)
March 28, 2009 at 6:23 am
sad…
March 28, 2009 at 7:18 am
“We always hurt the ones we love,
The ones we shouldn’t hurt at all…”
Just an old song. But how true. When we hurt, we tend to send that hurt feeling out to those around us. So easy to project the cause of our pain on others. The true cause is within us.
Fear. Greed (ego). Hatred (anger).
I the worst cases it leads to violence. Violence in words, or in deeds. Any wonder that domestic violence is the most frequent cause of murder? Maybe we should all be monks living is a hut in the forest somewhere?
Naaaah…it’s the human contact that helps us grow and practice lovingkindness.
Be well,
March 28, 2009 at 9:04 am
This June will be the start of our 24th year together and one of the reasons we have made it this far is..the first week we promised that no matter how angry we got we would never raise our voice in anger. It works! When a straight kid (19) ask how we made our relationship last so long, that is the first thing I told him. You are right Davey, Ego is a killer.
March 28, 2009 at 10:23 am
this incident cries out for a referee-DW-you should consider.we should all keep this in mind,when the occasion arises.
March 28, 2009 at 10:42 am
I have never been a screamer. I don’t have any type of violent nature when I studied Theology I took some courses in counseling. They have helped me in my own life and when I am called on to counsel others how to fight. The first rule of fighting is don’t say “you always…” or ” you never…” the second rule (my rules) tell your spouse ” when you did/said/went… I felt _____” it is a non confronting way to explain you feelings without making your spouse defensive. Aggression and defensiveness aren’t conducive to solving the problem. My father is a paranoid schizophrenic and married my mother because she was the most beautiful girl in their hometown Fort Scott KS. MY father’s mother is an aristcrat and my father was raised for high society. My mother is a preacher’s daughter from what we call low church, like pentecostal holiness, the women never cut their hair no jewelry the men don’t wear ties. They resemble Amish. My mom married my dad to escape and to see the world. She was a country girl. She didn’t know about gay people. In a fit of depression my dad confessed to my mom that while he was in the army stationed in El Paso He crossed the border and had sex with a man. “Like father like son” my mother didn’t understand how two men could have sex so she didn’t make a fuss.
Anyway my paternal grandmother the aristocrat
came from an old British family that we have a history book that was printed in 1880 that gives our history since the Norman invasion of England William the Conqueror in 1066 A.D. The family history since then is in the family archives in Boston and includes me living here in Mexico. So my father was raised British. Aloof no public display of affection.Very sophisticated. My mom was raised with hugs and love. She was everybodies favorite. Here we have the recipe of disaster. MY father a closet case and my mom hot as a fire cracker prettier than Monroe. My mom knew in the first week of her marriage that she had made a mistake. My dad wouldn’t have sex with her or rarely did she found a highway patrolman for a lover. My dad’s paranoia and my mom’s lover convinced him that if he beat her the cop would visit him with his buddies and teach him a lesson. I remember my dad coming in my room peeking out my window convinced there were cop cars outside. Once he made my brother and sister and I sit on the couch and watch while he tried to smother her. my brother ran to a neighbor’s house asking for help. I was about 4 years old. OH the good old days, My dad was in the psychiatric hospital for I don’t remember how long.He had electroshock therapy so he says he doesn’t remember any of this. He never showed me or told me of his love for me. The only positive reinforcement he gave was because I was a child Chess prodigy. He brought friends home from work, Engineers, etc. to play me and I always won.I was 6 years old. He was really proud that I inherited his intelligence. They divorced when I was in the 4th grade. I was glad to see him go for he had tortured me, with strange methods tying me up for imagined misdeeds. I am a border line schizophrenic , ocasionaly I hallucinate. I treat it intellectually like that professor in the movie A Beautiful Mind. Usually children raised in a violent home become violent adults. I don’t know how I escaped the violence. I am very careful in how I treat everyone I follow the golden rule. treat others how you wish to be treated.
March 28, 2009 at 11:24 am
it reminds me when my mom was together with this guy named Don. I was about 6 when they were dating. they constantly argued and he would call my mom all sorts of terrible names. He was a very jealous man too. He would listen to her phone conversations without her knowing it. he’d always check her email. every time one of my moms guy friends called he’d flip out. and would ask me about the guy. Since I was five I really didn’t know better so I would tell him everything I knew about the person.
thank god my mom got rid of him! after he left my moms demeanor was soooo different. she wasn’t so high strung all the time. she was more relaxed. she kept apologizing to me too. and she kept promising that she would never make a mistake like that again,and kept saying how she was a terrible woman.and promised that it would only be her and I from then on. she didn’t date any one for the longest time after that(this was back in 1999). But now my mom is dating a wonderful man that really cares about her. He never raises his voice at her,and has an awesome sense of humor(they started dating 2007). (he gives me money to go shopping with my friends too.LOL) but yea I really hope they get married someday.
March 28, 2009 at 11:25 am
You are right on target……..hurt ego! Great insight! Thanks!
March 28, 2009 at 12:05 pm
i just heard a story on the radio yesterday that says that “venting” feelings like anger by shouting and breaking thinggs only makes one more angry.
i found it interesting that the pendulum is shifting towards taking a deep breath and walking away, rather than “letting it all hang out”
March 28, 2009 at 1:34 pm
NPR rules. I listen all the time.
March 28, 2009 at 12:56 pm
if only folks realized it doesn’t have to be that way . . . it really doesn’t, may someone touch his soul to gently guide him in a direction that leads to peaceful resolve, may we all work towards peaceful resolve whenever and however we are troubled . . . peace out blog buddies (Davey, I miss that close out of yours)
March 28, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Davey, somehow the depth of your insight and sensitivity continues to amaze me. I usually don’t read all the comments to your blog, but today I did, even the long ones. So many sad stories. We have to treat each other better. We are all in this together. Peace out.
March 28, 2009 at 2:13 pm
I dont let yelling in my house like that while fighting. arguments happen, but I dont like yelling. when the yelling starts I clam up and walk away…
March 28, 2009 at 11:07 pm
I had neighbors that would fight on a weekly basis. (Usually at 2-3 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday night)
After a long and sleepless Wednesday night, I stopped by the boating store on the way home from work and picked up a couple of air horns. The next week the screaming resumed. I got out of bed and stood in the hallway pushing down on the two big red buttons…….. AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTTT.
The entire building woke up. The following morning I left a note on their door reading “Please get counseling or take your 3am fighting to a hotel.”
I never heard another peep out of them.
March 29, 2009 at 4:31 am
very very interesting!!
conflict is part of growing the level to which we let it
rise is where it gets out of control. I did not read all postings, just
one thought. what if you never hear anyone argue what if you lived
alone with no one to argue with or be corrected by.
no one to hold no one to schould,
no one to love, no one to hug,
on one who cares no one to share
no one to blame no one to shane
no one to hate no one to replace
no one to cheat and no one to beat,
being a lone is not any fun so people that don’t get along try to
make the best of what they can and hope to live and grow through
the fights in their lives
better to have loved and lost than NEVER have been loved at all
March 30, 2009 at 8:01 pm
This SO reminds me of my painful childhood. While I know that my parents (mom, stepfather) loved me and each other, they did seem to fight alot, which included a lot of yelling. Today, while I don’t necessarily hold in my anger, I don’t yell but become very quiet! I calmly think about what I’m going to say, imagine myself as receiving what I am about to say to myself, and then, say what needs to be said to the other person.
“So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. (James 3:5-10A, ESV)
October 3, 2010 at 11:46 am
Do NOT go up there. You need to notify the appropriate authorities if there is a domestic violence situation. Violence will usually escelate if there is no intervention. You may end up with the coroner upstairs. A lot of times, a domestic violence situation is discovered and dealt with when neighbors call the police. You can ask to be kept anonymous when you call. Let me reiterate, do not go up there. You will be putting yourself in danger.
November 26, 2010 at 10:32 am
Yelling and screaming is a great offense to the spirit.
I hate being around people who allow themselves to
release their poison so freely and randomly. It’s like throwing up on the world.
But in this situation-I’m referring to the story-clearly you haven’t experienced very much on the emotional or passionate side of life if you found yourself frozen, listening and judging. We’re not talking about a person screaming and cursing because the ketchup was put back on the wrong shelf in the fridge. You’re shallow.
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