Yesterday, we took a trip down memory lane and revisited high school. While we’re in the neighborhood, let’s discuss an e-mail that I received this week from Michael L:
Last night I was watching “The Daily Show” with John Stewart and he was talking about how the wounds and scars we get in high school are clean and deep. We remember them with startling clarity. I agree with him. I am happy with my life, I love myself and am working to bring all aspects of my person into complete health. I have goals and have achieved more than I ever thought possible…
Still though, when I think back I do remember every insult and cruelty that I encountered in High School. I remember being called every name in the book including “f*g” and “fairy”.
The thing that bothers me is that somehow even before I knew I was gay, they were already calling me those names. Now, even though I am happy with my sexual orientation, it still bothers me that those hateful people knew something about me before I did. It bothers me still more that they made it seem like it was something shameful instead of a marvelous part of my life!
Why is it that they got to see inside me and uncover my truths before I did? Especially when they only used said truths to clobber my self-esteem with them.
Michael’s letter illuminates a truth about the coming out process: Of all the hundreds or thousands of people that we come out to, the hardest one is often ourselves.
Denial is a very powerful thing, and it can move us to keep secret our identity from even ourselves.
To the more objective observers in the world, the mannerisms, behaviors and tendencies that often stereotype the gay community may be very transparent. The high voice, the feminine gestures, an enjoyment of baking rather than baseball. Other kids pick up on these things. And while they are stereotypes (I know a number of seemingly gay but very straight men) and certainly not universal characteristics for a community as diverse as ours, they are things that people tend to notice.
Of course, my experience has been that the people that tended to notice – or care – were the same people that were struggling with their own sexuality. If you hate it in yourself, you’ll probably hate it in others. Of the meanest, most homophobic bullies at my school, I think almost all of them are now openly gay.
I’d suggest that their name calling wasn’t so much about you as it was about them. Their words still hurt – I know – but it may be helpful to remember that at the end of the day, their bullying says very little about you and very much about them, their insecurities and their struggles.
September 26, 2010 at 12:56 pm
I think it’s more how we act. Your voice, how much you move your hands, what you like, what you don’t like ect. Like I said in a comment on another post, when I was younger kids new so much about being gay, so when my voice didn’t crack with everyone, and my hands seem to defy gravity, and they found out I love babies and hate sports, then I was instantly label as gay. At that time I don’t really think they meant it was I like guys, but it was the way I was acting. I couldn’t be a pig to women, sports are pointless in my opinion, and I need to talk with my hands…it’s just who I am. I am half open now, and looking back,, they were right in a way.
But I comepletely agree that there bullying shows more about them than us. I also think that we shouldn’t really forget what happened to us, because it shows how strong we really are and what we can overcome. I mean, if we can get through high school, than the rest of life should be a piece of cake ! (:
September 26, 2010 at 1:16 pm
How did they know you were gay before you? I put a sign on your back that read: “Kick me, I’m queer!”
seriously kids aren’t no dummies. Just some folk appear to be gay from early childhood, playing with barbies and the lack of playing in mud is a pretty good marker. Then there are little gay boys who are all boy and remain masculine throughtout their lives. We are who we are and we accept it or not.
September 26, 2010 at 1:16 pm
It’s so true that others seem to know before you do! But I definitely don’t think it necessarily always has to do with being flamboyant. I can remember being called names since about Grade 2, and I am not the stereotypically flamboyant gay (at least as far as I know….lol)
September 26, 2010 at 1:23 pm
Two years of speech therapy in grade school took away the only gay stereotypical feature I had (outside liking to bake). I received a lot more grief in high school for being a ginger than for anyone’s perception I was gay. Having two older brothers also prepared me for the sometimes rough and tumble world of high school. In the end it was all rather boring and I look at the period with no nostalgia or pain whatsoever.
September 26, 2010 at 1:34 pm
Kids don’t know your gay. They use that word to hurt people. Listen to team mates while they are practicing use things like “don’t be such a f*g”, or if your friends ask you to do something you don’t like it was followed with the same kind of comment. They aren’t saying anything about who you sleep with. It’s just a word they use to hurt with.
September 26, 2010 at 1:36 pm
i seriously wonder how did they know i’m gay before i did,, when i was a kid, i went to school and most people teasing me whenever cute handsome hunks came by, calling me faggot, n there’s also those staight acting guy came to me and insult me even at the same time i know he’s gay… just b’cas i don’t really into outdoor sport, and not being macho enough ‘cas i love art, they labeled me as gay which by the time i don’t really know what gay is untill i explore it myself, but thanx to’em, although by the the time it hurts me, and most ppl tend to discriminate me ‘cas being gay,, but thanx, b’cas now, i know how to express my life and follow the flow, instead of struggling with the sexualty confused and deny what u’re meant to be.it’s like u’re having war with ur life,, and does that’ll keep u peace and loveable??? i’m free with myself, i love myself more, i’m comfortable with it and what about you?? do you find yourslef happy with what yourself ow?
September 26, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Most off my friends didnt know until I came out and for most of them it was quite a shock.
I’ve never been a flamboyant type and cared more about sports (always the individual ones track/climbing/biking btw) then girls
I’ve lost friends and gained even more.
And even now that I’m completley open and out most people wouldnt put me in the gay corner.
There’s one thing I know for sure though, if you dont love,respect and accept youre self you can’t expect anyone else to do so.
Love to you all,
marcel
September 26, 2010 at 1:46 pm
The negative Verbal Cannonades about Sexual Orientation calls to mind a favorite quote of mine: “There are situations in my life of sufficient magnitude which preclude my concern for little people whose mouths can do no better with their talents than to chew on my good reputation!”
September 26, 2010 at 1:55 pm
Back when I was younger, a lot of the Gay ribbing was just juvenille banter. I managed to “pass” until coming out in my twenties and often young men then would get quite “campy” after a couple drinks–this was 40 years ago when Gay issues were not frequently discussed.
It’s sad that today all to frequently Gay put downs are prevelant in grade school.
September 26, 2010 at 1:57 pm
Boy does this take me back. I remember going through the same thing in high school. Tons of fellow students were implying that I was gay behind my back, and, even though it was so true, I still felt hurt. It wasn’t until I admitted to myself that I was gay and got comfortable about things I can not change, that heavy hurt feeling just faded away. Nowadays, I consider it an insult when someone thinks I’m straight! It’s all about how you feel about yourself. If you love yourself, others will follow suit.
September 26, 2010 at 2:05 pm
The irony is in school I never got singled out as gay. It was adults who were much crueler in there review and vision.
I still have other things I was singled out on and as all words spun in the negative do they hurt and make me a little more self censoring.
T
September 26, 2010 at 2:30 pm
Hi Davey!
“If you hate it in yourself, you’ll probably hate it in others”.
So true.
Like in the personal ads: “straight acting, no queer, etc”
You are a wise man.
September 26, 2010 at 2:31 pm
what Davey is talking about is a psychoanalytic theory, a defence mechanism called reaction formation this is when sometimes something can be repressed so hard that it turns into its opposite, e.g. if someone has a very strong desire or need which they feel is wrong and needs to be suppressed, they may try very hard never to let it come to their awareness (defence mechanisms are unconscious and the person doesn’t realise unless someone else intervenes and shows us what is happening). Because their mind is trying so hard they become very hostile to any hint of that particular desire or need in other people, and react aggressively to it. The classic example is homophobia, most people whether they are homosexual or heterosexual, are unaffected by other people’s sexual choices. But some people become very upset and agitated when they encounter any mention of homosexuality. These people can end up reacting quite irrationally- and sometimes very aggressively- towards homosexuals. Their homophobia often comes from their own unconscious homosexual desires, which have been repressed so hard that they have become a reaction formation.
September 26, 2010 at 2:52 pm
They never knew that I was gay. I have always been very masculine, probably more so than most straight guys. Because of that I was never bullied and hardly ever teased in school, but because I was assumed to be straight I got to hear a lot of the abuse against gays that was meant for “straight ears” only. That hurt and probably helped to keep me closeted for longer.
But I have to say that the American high-school environment seems to be singularly hostile and cruel. The almost typical American stories about bullying, exclusion, violence and cliques seem unbelievable to most western Europeans such as myself. Something is supporting or encouraging this behaviour in the kids and it might be a good idea to find this source and cut it off.
September 26, 2010 at 2:54 pm
i wonder if it isn’t more that people call almost erveryone gay/f*g/fairy/d**e whatever at least once or twice and if these people then realize that they are really gay they remember that others seemed to have “noticed” long before them. I know quite some straight guys who I or others expected to be (or grow up to be) gay. of those who will we’ll say that we always suspected it. of those who won’t… well we’ll forget it after a wile and so will they themselves.
it’s a matter of perspective and focus of memory
September 26, 2010 at 3:03 pm
And then there is my response when called such names either publicly or privately now: “Ah, DUH! Thanks for noticing something I figured out before you were born. Get over it. I did.” Quiets them down every time….
September 26, 2010 at 3:03 pm
Hisp…I think there is some truth to this. However there is absolutely nothing wrong with gays putting out ads that read “straight acting, no queer”. What do these ads say to us? To me it says this person is looking for a masculine man. Other words he likes men to be men. I personally am not attracted at all to feminine guys or guys who are flamboyant. They are great guys and all but just not my thing. It doesn’t matter to me if the guy is Adonis if he is feminine it is an instant turn off for me.
Doesn’t mean I hate myself. It means I like confident male role models. I completely get that many gays are not masculine and some are uncomfortable around masculinity. I think many gays are quiet uncomfortable around straight men for this reason, they are jealous of masculinity. They simply feel within themselves they are a inferior male. I get it I understand it. Of course I don’t think they are inferior at all.
One thing I do not like in the gay community is when all of us gays are placed into a box. Not by the straight world but by homosexuals themselves. I for one do not like Lady Gaga, or female icons, baking, chick flicks, Barbies and musicals. I love football, soccer, hockey, baseball and I am athletic I played sports all through grade school, Jr. high, high school and college. I enjoy riding my motorbike, jumping of bridges, sky-diving, swimming, running, weights and hunting. In other words I enjoy doing masculine stuff. Just because I am gay doesn’t mean I must be drawn to thing I do not like or things that are over the top stereotypical.
Okay Thank you
September 26, 2010 at 3:18 pm
I was always called gay as well and when I did come out to myself I realized that I felt violated because they knew before me. Fortunately I never let the names change my behavior, so I ended up doing what I wanted in the end.
September 26, 2010 at 3:30 pm
I think you said exactly what I felt, and still think about this issue to this day, with such clarity. I’ve never been able to put my exact thoughts about the bullying I endured into high school into words, but this is exactly what all the thoughts churning in my mind boil down to. Of coure, I grew up in rural WV, and have come to find that the bullies I encountered were more ignorant and… “redneck,” for lack of a better word… rather than hating what they found to be true within themselves. People really are afraid of what they don’t know or understand.
Thanks for posting this
September 26, 2010 at 3:34 pm
Dav… I don’t know you personally or else, but the fact you needed to state unsolicited remarks about yourself, is totally revelatory.
Your last comment “Just because I am gay doesn’t mean I must be drawn to thing … that are over the top stereotypical.”: Over the top stereotypical????????
It’s the cherry on the cake of your fears…
LOL You made my day! LOL
September 26, 2010 at 3:39 pm
I argee friend as a born and raised Italian I was quite shocked by the hate filled comments in my American All boy Catholic high school. I also learned that Americans tend to be politically correct and delicate in their speech. I am the opposite. I keep forgetting when I come here or other sites such as this it mostly for Americans. Thanks
September 26, 2010 at 5:54 pm
I agree
September 26, 2010 at 7:29 pm
After reading this article, I had a little memory session and I was called a fairy in elementary school and then in highschool it never really came up unless it was said behind my back, but I find it mind boggling that it was that obvious to others as opposed to myself I’m 21 now and have been out since I was 17 to my friends, the family found out within the last year, and I can honestly say I am happy as can be and I have ran into those who have made fun of me over the years and they are envious of myself because I know who i am and I know where I want to go, where as a small few apologized the ones who didn’t still were genuine in saying they were jealous i was so happy. But in all honesty it’s still a struggle but it’s a good one. Thanks Davey for posting this.
September 26, 2010 at 7:38 pm
They knew because I had not girlfriends nor was I interested in girls. My friends would say: “did you see that hot girl”, I would say, “what hot girl”. I just never thought about them. Nobody was shocked when I came out.
September 26, 2010 at 7:47 pm
Wow…you just dont get it. You just made a very myopic value judgment. Although you TRIED to minimize your negativism, it came forth and reeks of insecurity.
I am a former USMC member, played all sorts of sports but never looked at any human being with such overt distain.
You need some intense introspective examination!
September 26, 2010 at 9:27 pm
When I was very young, my mom only worked part time, so that she could spend most of her day raising my brother and I. One morning, I sat watching a soap opera with her. I can’t imagine I enjoyed (or even understood the show) but it was something to do with mom. In any case, she asked me, off hand, which one (character) I thought was pretty. Of course, given the word choice, she almost certainly meant which girl. Still, ignorant to social norms as I was, I walked up to the screen and pointed at a male actor. That gave things away pretty early.
September 27, 2010 at 12:08 am
OMG!! I think that the picture you posted with this post is of WBC because they are commonly known for their “God Hates Fags” protests.
Next month they are coming to my school (GWU) in Washington DC to protest on our campus. We will be ready for them!!
We are planning our own little army to protest against them. I’m really excited.
September 27, 2010 at 5:33 am
It truly amazes me how right you are. In junior high there was this kid named Dexter that I loved with all my heart, he was the first gay male I ever met and I accepted him. Though their was this other kid named Sergio that then was The hott jock type, minus the sports. This kid used to pick on Dexter all of the time because of his orientation, to then later secretly come out in high school and openly a few years later.
The thing is that although Dexter never let it showed that it bothered him because he was out and happy, I know that somewhere deep inside, it had. *shaking my head* It just sucks that people choose to bully those who are gay because they, themselves are to afraid to come out, so they chose to pick on those who were strong enough to do it before them.
September 27, 2010 at 7:49 am
Erikkson,
It is helpful to know that this is a not a universal thing. Perhaps it is more prevalent in the US because there is such a powerful anti-sex theme in conservative religion from the times of the Puritans in New England that spread throughout the country. idk
September 27, 2010 at 7:50 am
The sign saying, “Gays die, God laughs” is indicative of how bizarre these people are. I wonder if when a paranoid homophobic moron dies God even notices.
September 27, 2010 at 8:57 am
True! but it nothing still makes me want to just come out already!
September 27, 2010 at 9:16 am
One of my favorite posts so far, Davey! So true. I’m older, and went to a high school that was a magnet for lesbians and gays- but, very few of us were out (times were different… I’m excited that it seems to be somewhat easier for kids today). Ironically, homosexuals were among the most popular at our school. Only one boy was “out” and I did hear rude comments about his sexuality. Yet it should be noted that he was brave enough to stand out in another way- He was a punk rocker in the late 1970′s when te rest of us were very “preppy”. His radical appearance and his willingness or desire to be so different made him standout as someone different.
September 27, 2010 at 10:04 am
That’s what I was thinking. A TON of people got called “f*g”-ish names when I was in HS, including the quarterback. Coincidence is all it is.
September 27, 2010 at 10:51 am
we will be having “god hates hate” signs and maybe a table where people can donate money to pro-human organizations!
September 27, 2010 at 11:13 am
Call me crazy can someone please explain to me how one or two of you guys find pictures of men that clearly do not belong to you? Very strange I clink on one of you guys names…take me to a site with shirtless men…what did I see? Two pictures of me…ummm…no I was not nude and one was at a family vacation…in Greece..
How does this happen..Of course I could ask you to remove them..but you will more than like tell me to f**k off…crazy
September 27, 2010 at 11:37 am
Davide: “It means I like confident male role models”
You can be feminine and a confident male.
September 27, 2010 at 12:45 pm
I went though a lot of bullying in high school as well…I remember changing in gym class and some guys on the other side of the lockers were having a very LOUD conversation about me. Calling me faggot, queer, fairy….ect. I think that experience made me a lot stronger person today, because “out” gay men have to deal with so much crap everyday. We definitely have to have a thick skin.
September 27, 2010 at 2:57 pm
Bullying is one of the strongest reasons why there are teen suicides among young gay and lesbian people. Some folks had a life of living hell in high school, less so in college. It is no laughing matter. Yet it is also one of the reasons why we are so strong as we come to terms with who we are and with our sexuality. It can be our crucible that strengthens our metal. Sure, some folks have a version of gaydar from a “straight” view of weirdness in others. But it is twisted by hatred and self loathing more so than by real recognition. They often mistake their victims for gay while their victim is just different is some way. High School is where we smash all the round pegs into square holes. It’s where racism is born and nurtured for the next generation. School staff are no less to blame for the atmosphere that is often toxic for–you name it, gay, latino, slant-eyed, small bodied, fat, smart, talented, they all will do– others who are perceived as different in some way.
We need to teach understanding of others and appreciation for those differences that make us who we are–human. And it should start in the earliest years, kindergarten and first grade is not too soon to know that some people love other folks of the same sex, and it’s perfectly natural.
But most helpful of all is for people to be role models for what it means to be gay and OK.
Out to yourself, out to the world.
Be well,
September 27, 2010 at 4:40 pm
There’s a song in the 1950s musical, South Pacific. An American GI on Bali falls in love with a native girl. He comes from a wealthy family who are absolutely opposed to the marriage as are some on the Island.
The song the two lovers sing has the refrain, “Yeas you have to be taught, carefully taught, to hate.”
All humans are drawn to some and not to others. That is the human condition. The real problem comes about because the culture and society communicates the prejudices, discrimination and hatred it has allowed to flourish. Parents catch this disease and pass it on to their children. “Like Father, like son” is too often unfortunately true.
September 27, 2010 at 5:01 pm
Yea friend I totally agree with you!!! Some of the strongest gay men are the feminine type-after all they get the most harrasment. I totally agree with you. Before I was talking in generalizations. Few gay men have many straight friends as I outlned about I think this is ONE of the reasons for it. Thanks
September 27, 2010 at 6:22 pm
i do have to agree that sometimes the hardest person to come out to is ourself. i started getting called “f*g” “faggot” “gay” “fairy” “freak” “homo” in fourth grade. at the time i thought that they were just picking on my cause i was the new kid but i can to the realization 5 years later that i wasnt gay but i still like men more than women. and it started to blossom the summer before my freshmen year in school that i might like guys. and i do have to say that i wouldnt change it for the world. although the course that i took to get to where i am could have been a little smooth, but what else could there have been. i am happy to say that the realization that i had that summer changed me for the better and has helped me to be the man that i am today.
September 27, 2010 at 6:56 pm
I have a theory about how we feel about the deep and sometimes visible cuts we sustain before we know who we are. The words f*g and faggot, and the like, are not used because someone recognises something in us that we have yet to see. They are derogatory words, because lets face it how could you be anything worse than a f*g
Hateful people use those terms to denote someone that does not fit into their world view, someone that is easy to make fun of and a way to make themselves better in the eyes of others (or so they think). Psychological abuse has always been a mechanism of stating your, supposed, superiority. When the terms of abuse echo within a person they become cuts that are bone deep. Just think of someone with something to hide, their worse fear is that others will know and make them outsiders. If they hear something or are teased with abusive words they will associated what ever is said to a deep fear of being revealed…The worst fear is that others will know you and not accept you for your true self. Our strength is to make it known to the world that no one knows your true self unless you let them, people may guess but they never truely know!
September 28, 2010 at 7:08 pm
And do not forget, they aren’t just insulting the gay students by calling them gay, that is unfortunately the favorite pajoritive adjective of many bullies without regard to sexuality. It isn’t that they know you are gay before you do necessarily, they just fall back on their favorite insult…I’m sure they (bullies) call countless hundreds of straight kids gay just to be mean. That is the challenge I make to younger people now when I get the chance. If you find something objectionable for some real/valid reason, find a succinct label for it (that food wasn’t gay, it actually tasted bad for some reason. Or that song wasn’t gay, the singer was off key). It is really the same reason claiming something is “retarded” is not okay…you are falling back on the label for a real group of people as your negative adjective.
September 28, 2010 at 8:14 pm
I very much agree with you. It becomes an all purpose word to put down anyone.
October 1, 2010 at 1:02 am
i know this isn’t exactly related but i figured i post this. so the other day i was walking home and yet again i had somebody drive by and call me a faggot. i thought of a few comebacks afterwords but honestly i decided not to do anything. i didn’t respond for two reasons, one i actually think i may have known the person ,that person being gay himself, and that just makes the whole thing pathetic and two anyone who does things like that are just insecure w/ themselves so i really felt their actions were insult to themselves enough there was no reason to add on.
October 7, 2010 at 5:02 am
I was bullies at school for being fat and in hight school for being gay. I believe I have only come out stronger by all these people trying to defame me.
I have seen many people who were aways the subject of High school bullying come out at the other end as very successful and likable people. While on the other hand I have been the high school bullies turn into alcoholics and very unencroachable people. A clear example of how they have may of their own insecurities.
I admit my self I would bully people and now I look back on it there is not a day i do not regret it (well when I think about it at least not everyday). i very clearly had my own insecurities that i took out on other people. So I like to think that these people who have bullied me now look back as i do and just feel like an idiot. The people that I have made subject to my own bulling I have apologized to and have remained friends scene hight school.
I guess what I’m trying to say is in school we were all young and naive ,but now we all know better. You can only grow into a better person form these experiences if you choose to.
February 21, 2012 at 6:54 pm
I just recently came out to every one but my family. Looking back now at all the names they have called me in high school; it seemed that I was the last to know. I wasn’t compleatly butch, in fact I had hair almost to my waist for most of high school. My best friend who was often called my girlfriend becuse we were never a part, we were pracatlly twin like, is and was VERY straight. I didn’t wear a lot of flannel, usally it was jeans, t-shirts and a purple hoodie. The other day I ran in to one of my closest friends in high school that moved away for awhile, I told him and he didn’t react more than ‘Yeah I know, I’ve known since freshman year’. ‘What? How?” was my respose and then he said something about awesome gaydar.
My ex finannce even expected that I was gay(He’s steyotyical gay male but very straight) so mabe I was subconiouslly looking for a beard. I was deeply in denial until about a month after we broke up. I had, had boyfriends, I usally dress kinda genderless. But now looking back there were all kinds of signs. Example being I didn’t care about all the boy bands of the late 90s, early 2000′s (I was 9-11), I couldn’t even tell them apart. While all my classmates were swooning over Justin, I was playing Pokemon on my gameboy with the other gamers. I had 2 best friends who were brothers and I was the girl who they didn’t dare treat differently because I would beat the s**t out of them(like buddies do).