When I was a young teenager, I had my first boyfriend. His name was Joe. I’ve mentioned Joe before. He was a blue-eyed babe of a boyfriend, and was two years my junior. Though we first met through the internet when I was only 13, our relationship lasted into my freshman year at university. I was 19 when we parted ways.
Our relationship has its share of ups and down, fidelities and infidelities, laughter and tears; we broke up more than a few times along the way.
In my junior or senior year at university, we reconnected for dinner. It was short-lived. One of Joe’s mantras was that people don’t change. If you were an asshole once, you’ll be an asshole always. In Joe’s eyes, I would always be a jerk.
Occasionally, I find myself sharing a similar sentiment. When watching a talk show about boyfriends and girlfriends that cheat, I always find myself thinking, “Don’t get back with him! He’ll just cheat again!” Though our past actions are a good predictor of our future actions, it doesn’t mean that we can’t change.
We can change.
The decision to change comes from within. If you have ever tried to change someone, you know that it is an inefficient and ineffective use of energy. It is much wiser to accept people as they are, and to make relationship decisions based on current circumstances. It avoids the, “Well, I know he’ll change someday and treat me the way I should be treated” mentality.
But, we can change.
And when that decision does come from within, it is extremely powerful. My good friend Jessica, for example, has gone through a physical, emotional and spiritual metamorphosis. Jessica is still Jessica, but her outlook on life is extraordinarily different.
My metamorphosis began during my senior year at university. Really, my entire life had been building up to that moment, preparing me with the experiences that I needed. And then I changed. I actually remember the month it happened. I made a decision in my heart, and have been following a new trajectory ever since.
People can change.
And occasionally, they actually do.
January 31, 2009 at 3:59 pm
I actually have feelings for a guy that is cheating on his boyfriend. How effed up is that!? So yeah, he cheats on his boyfriend, but I wouldn’t want him to change though.. just that he makes up his mind. Haha.
People don’t change, it’s how you look at them, that is what changed.
January 31, 2009 at 10:29 pm
I often have been in that same spot. I wonder would I want to be with someone that is
capable of cheating?
January 31, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Well said Davey, I as believe that people can change. Including me for instance that I sometimes come out bit blunt at most points, and a little spoiled. I had agruements with some people about me that I had to change some certain things, which I did. But I’m not perfect (no one is) but try to control myself at most points. This was a good blog today Davey. Cheers!!!
January 31, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Interesting topic again. But I don’t believe people can change easily. They can act different maybe for a while. But a transformation… no, sorry Davey…
February 1, 2009 at 6:26 pm
I tend to agree with JB, Davey!
Doug in KC
February 3, 2009 at 4:19 pm
I think I react from my experience. I experienced people who are very narrow-minded and egocentric. Those people don’t change. It gives me hope though that you are questioning my opinion. Thank’s for your reaction…
January 31, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Cheating Is so not cool, and If anyone would do that to me I would never go back to that person.
January 31, 2009 at 4:35 pm
I think people grow – but I would n´t want them to change – It´s better to accept people as they are. It might appear people change, but they often just move on to a different phase in their lives.
Life is a road of discovery, through trial and error, we learn who we are – and we adapt ourselves accordingly – those who have the courage anyway.
My point is, most of us don´t change – unless we hate ourselves – we just become more experienced and better able to play the game of life.
If we need to change then it´s a sign that we are not being true to inner ourselves – the betrayal makes us uncomfortsble and unsatisfied until we change something in our lives or just let it eat us alive – because no one can run from themselves!
if that makes any sense?
January 31, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Yeah, people change. And then again, some don’t. Some change when you don’t want them to and others, well, if only they would, y’know wuddImean?
January 31, 2009 at 4:59 pm
There’s good and bad in all of us, it just depends which side we choose to cultivate or circumstance encourages us to promote. So yes people can develop for the better and learn from their previous experiences.
January 31, 2009 at 5:38 pm
and people who help someone cheat don’t they ever stop and think if we get together maybe he’ll cheat on me? lol
January 31, 2009 at 5:46 pm
I think little things change over time – and occassionally view points can be changed – but people have a core of who they are. I don’t think that ever changes, but people can on their own terms to a limited extent.
January 31, 2009 at 6:16 pm
sometimes i wonder if davey thinks he’s british. we call it college here in the states…
February 1, 2009 at 9:42 am
Yes, but Davey’s audience is global and he is addressing the wider world. Widen your own perspective Kyle. You can change (Yes, you can!).
February 1, 2009 at 10:32 am
oh, i wasn’t aware of internet access beyond my own country’s borders.
if that’s the case and someone from great britain is reading my response, let me be the first to say, “pip, pip. spotted dick and bangers.”
or perhaps, “Quelle frommage!”
“Hecho en Mexico”
Dear Island Boy, If you’re an American guest appearing on UK TV and you call it the tele, then you simply look like a Madonna-sized douche. People don’t alter their vocabulary in order to address others speaking the same language. If you do, then you’re typically a racist employing the likes of ebonics. This is the same thing.
February 1, 2009 at 6:29 pm
BULLY, Kyle! CHEERS!
February 1, 2009 at 10:39 am
In Canada it’s university. He lived there, had friends at university, heard the word used. By the way, they now do use college in the UK. Not sure what it means – maybe a degree school separate from a university.
January 31, 2009 at 6:39 pm
I totally agree that people can change (and not just ACT different for some period of time)!
I know I did…
I’m only 23 yrs old but in my young life I’ve already been such a jerk…
I was on the best way to becoming an alcoholic, I didn’t care for anybody but me, I didn’t give a s**t about school, I cheated on every boyfriend I had, and spirituality was something so not real…
It was a long process but that changed. Today I’m a very spiritual person, I’m helping other people out as a profession, I’d never cheat on my boyfriend wit whom I’m together for 3 yrs now, I’m eager in university, and I so DO care about other people…
It actually took me about 2 years to fully change but I did… For to change is just getting rid of the “wrong” patterns you have…
February 1, 2009 at 3:53 am
Well, that is certainly good. But I think it’s a little different, because what you did as a teenager is very typical, now you grew up. That’s a change, of course. But I think Davey was talking about something a liitle different. But… maybe I’m wrong…
January 31, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Change takes dedication and a long time. I hit a low time when i was 14, where to be honest i was a knob and lost a fair few mates because of it,and it lasted till i realised at 17 that the problems were cause by my own outlooked. So i forced myself to change.
Some was superficial, such as clothes etc, which although material does help you mentally and its through subtle steps you changes.
2 years on im a changed person, i know people still judge me on my past but i also know people see me in a new light.
Now im more open, less judgemental and alltogether happier than before. Sure i may be on my way to becoming an alcoholic and more promiscuous but then again thats the culture im in and at least its no longer harming anyone else.
February 2, 2009 at 6:56 am
This brought to mind the following story that is attributed to an old Cherokee fable:
“One evening, a grandfather was teaching his young grandson about the internal battle that each person faces.
“‘There are two wolves struggling inside each of us,’ the old man said.
“‘One wolf is vengefulness, anger, resentment, self-pity, fear. The other wolf is compassion, faithfulness, hope, truth, love.’
“The grandson sat, thinking, then asked: ‘Which wolf wins, Grandfather?’
“His grandfather replied, ‘The one you feed.’”
— Within each of us are many different wolves. As another saying goes, “you are what you eat.” Indeed,if we start feeding a different wolf within, then indeed change can and does happen. But it is a struggle, because the wolf we stop feeding gets hungrier and hungrier and will be very cunning in trying to get us to resume feeding it. But we need to be strong and determined to stick with the change we have chosen. May we not only make choices that don’t cause harm to others, but also make choices that are life enrichening for ourselves as well.
January 31, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Yes, people can do change. However, it is a choice.
Interesting blog and I like that there still an individual out there who love life and still optimistic in our imperfect world.
God bless to all of us.
January 31, 2009 at 9:57 pm
I agree, it may take time, but I do believe that a person can genually change if they really want to.
What exactly was your metamorphosis Davey?
February 1, 2009 at 12:31 am
At least,you have gotten a partner…
Somebody never get their lover
February 1, 2009 at 1:17 am
people can change, but it’s worth noting (as you do) that the decision to change comes from within.
If someone doesn’t want to change, they never will. But if someone consciously tries to change for the better, they will.
yay for change! haha
February 1, 2009 at 1:20 am
hi davey.
ive been with my boyfriend for more than a year (exactly 2 on 14feb09 actually). ive known him since primary 6 (we were 12years old). now im in pre-uni 3 (18years old). we dated & he cheated on me while we were in secondary 3 (15years old) so we broke up after 6 months. a year later we patched up. & i forgive but i dont forget.
so he told me he’s changed. but i doubt it. for these almost 2 years that we’ve been together since the patch. he only said “ILY” for the first 5 months. & only when i tell him that i wanna leave him. because he knows that i wont leave if he tells me he loves me. i feel stupid for thinking he’s changed. but i still cant find myself telling him no when he says he loves me.
February 1, 2009 at 3:59 am
At least he tells you that to keep you close, he wants to be with you. That’s good.
February 1, 2009 at 4:06 am
I my opinion, there are people in this world who really want to change something about themselves, and they believe that they can and will. But very few of them will actually accomplish that. It takes a lot of ….dedication, I don’t know… stubborness…
But just feeling strong about wanting to change and trying is already not too bad.
February 1, 2009 at 4:22 am
I am also of the belief that people really can change. One’s mentality, approach to life, and every experience helps shape and conform how a person lives his or her life. It definitely takes some introspection to discover what needs to change but with a little time, with no distractions and with a clear effort to learn about oneself, you can change yourself, for the better and for the worse. Hopefully everyone looks to change for the better.
With that said, when i knew a person as an asshole, if I see them later, i may still see them as an asshole and it will take a strong effort on their part to change that perception in my mind.
February 1, 2009 at 6:06 am
Davey,
People do change, mainly because of their experiences so therefore it’s slow, like the movement of clouds, almost imperceptible. You should ask your close friends every 5 years – ‘have I changed?’ and see what they say and let them know if they have changed as well. Your friends and family are a good measure.
Almost everyone wants to be a better person, it’s just their version of ‘better’ might not coincide with ours or they might not blog about it or shout it from the rooftops.
Have a great Sunday see you on twitter
February 1, 2009 at 9:03 am
Yea, I agree we can change to a point. I really need to do that now in my life and I’m…… well, old…..! But it’s never too late, I HOPE…!
Ha Davie, thats for the chace to speak out like we all here seem to do. It would be interesting to have a convention of us all and just see who else is riding this carpet along lifes path set for us.
Anyway, thasnks…!
February 1, 2009 at 9:36 am
Change happens, but it takes a lot of effort. As you wisely point out, don’t get into a relationship expecting to “change” your partner. That NEVER works! If you can’t accept them, warts and all, you shouldn’t be with them. That’s also true of friends. While you can point the way for someone and show them how they could change, you can’t DEMAND they change. I guess if you get sick of them, you dump them. No one changes until he/she is ready in his/her own heart and mind, and that changes does not happen as a result of nagging.
February 1, 2009 at 9:54 am
“In Joe’s eyes, I would always be a jerk.”
Hey Davey, I Gotta Say U Ain’t NO Jerk !!!
February 1, 2009 at 10:56 am
Cheating means breaking a promise, and many people make no promises in relationships, especially when in an experimental phase of life. Committed relationships, for some people, are not necessary for happiness or for ethical behavior. Trying to lure someone away from a committed relationship is a bad thing, but engaging in non-committal relationships by mutual agreement, with people who have not made promises to others, really does work for many adults.
My mother, Euro by birth and religious, would only demand from relatives who had mistresses that they do the right thing by the other woman: buying her a home, taking generous care of her needs, providing for her children (not necessarily his), setting up a savings and retirement fund. If these things were in place, then she considered it none of her business. The very Catholic wife of a French President stood arm in arm with his mistress at his funeral. In her mind, she honored the woman’s love as she honored her own. Cultures differ on what fidelity means.
February 1, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Change is good, Change is part of life. Imagine no change in our lives, pretty ass boring. I welcome change, some good some bad. I’m a 49 year old gay man living my dream with my partner of 9 years now. Yes we both have had a lot of change in those 9 years but I would not give any of it up….
February 1, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Davey, I know its personal but I would love to hear about why he thought you were a jerk.
It seems so unlike you and it would be an amazing and interesting post if you decided to write about it!
Some love from, Gavin
February 1, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Some leopards do change their spots. Others do not – depends on the leopard. And so it goes with generalizations.
Some people get trapped in the past and won’t see change no matter how many times it bites them in the arse. Is change you can’t acknowledge, change ? Is a change in someone you can’t forgive, change ? Sometimes our perceptions, attitudes and feelings are as important in noticing/recognizing change as is the object/person being perceived.
February 2, 2009 at 2:10 am
WOW These blogs of yours keep getting better. I am glad you wrote on this subject. The change must absolutely come from within. I’ve made a few changes myself lately, realized some of my perceptions about people in general were incorrect as well. It has made a big difference. Its also great to see so many of the positive and enlightening comments from all the followers of this site. Thanks, Davey
February 2, 2009 at 8:45 am
Hey Davey,
Davey I believe that people are able to change but they also have to want to change when I was younger I did what I had to in order to make me happy no matter who I hurt or what the concuences of my actions were and being italian alot of people forced the sterio type twards me of being conected because of the way I dressed and acted and I realized that that lifestyle was not conducive to what I wanted and changed my ways and I have to say I am a better more understand standing person because of it so yes I believe that people can change.
P.S. Davey take care of yourself have fun and have a great week.
Peace and Love,
Anthony Gallo (Pennsylvinia)
February 2, 2009 at 10:31 am
Why would you look at the talk show guests instead of the talk show hosts?! Talk about not changing!
People are more apt to changing/growing mentally while they are still growing physically but once you think you’ve got life figured out the evolution becomes slower.
February 2, 2009 at 5:57 pm
number 1- how the hell!!!! he Cheat on you! look at you!!!! your hot! with a man like you i will never cheat, is his lost!!!!! and people dont changed they just make new trajectory.
February 2, 2009 at 9:38 pm
“Change is not only necessary, it is inevitable.” – F. Zappa
It is within us all, that inherent ability for change. I know it to be true of me, for I most certainly changed and made progress in my life. It comes when comes and whether we want to or not, change is something that is inevitable…
Ciao!
February 3, 2009 at 8:32 pm
i have and i don’t like it
February 4, 2009 at 4:59 am
I love you,ha ha.I mean I love your thinking.
You know,whatever you are.I think you’re really man more then many other men who have suck thinking.You’re good man.Cheer
February 4, 2009 at 9:39 pm
I agree a person will only change when they themselves come to that point in life when either the sistuation causes them to (only for that moment to were it benafits them) or they finally see that what ever they see in the mirrow someone that they might not like. Everyone is different in so many ways but i think everyone has a being that speaks to them enwardly and that being can help in alot of causes if we listen learned from experience mostly life is what we allow it to be.
December 3, 2009 at 5:32 am
i changed when i found your videos and website davey wavey