Do you say yes when you want to say no?
Do crave approval from everyone?
Does it bother you if someone doesn’t like you?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be one of the millions of people suffering from the disease to please. It’s not treatable by drugs or medication, but instead, by a healthy dose of truth. The disease to please stems from many things, including a diminished sense of worth.
I suffered from this disease as a child. When I was 9 or 10, I would invite my friend Jimmy over to play. I desperately wanted him to like me, and I felt rather unlovable (my parents would constantly remind me how chubby I was, and make many jokes at my expense). So, I’d open my baseball card collection, and let him take his favorite cards. I worried that I wasn’t enough myself, and felt that giving him cards would make up for whatever I lacked. Of course, Jimmy liked getting free cards – but it never occurred to me that he actually liked me, too.
Maybe you can relate. But here’s the good news: Having everyone like you isn’t a requirement in life.
Happiness, or one’s level of fulfillment, isn’t based on the approval of others. Approval isn’t required for success in this life. In fact, the more you contribute to the world, the more disapproval you’ll likely encounter. The larger your spotlight and the greater your success, the more dislike you’ll probably experience. Oprah spoke to this point in one of her New Earth Podcasts (Chapter 6, to be exact).
A true sense of worth, of course, can’t be found in the opinions of others. It can only be found within you, as you learn to love the unlovable within you.
October 25, 2009 at 1:25 pm
That was Truly a beautiful post Davey. On a side note, why do you miss your foreskin so much?
October 26, 2009 at 7:31 am
Such a silly question after such a wonderful post. Having one’s foreskin means your whole, intact, as nature intended. Not having one leaves one less whole, unintact, deminished. Imagine having only one eye and “seeing” that others have two. You might wonder what they could see which you couldn’t. Missing the most sensitive part of your penis just might make you “miss” what that feeling was like. Davey is only one of millions of American males who feel like they’ve cheated out of their wholeness. He, at least, talks openly about it while others keep silent.
Be well,
October 26, 2009 at 9:58 am
To continue with the vocabulary, I think your response could be seen as “silly.” This whole blog is about discovering and focusing on the inner beauty of ALL–while foregoing the easy road of making judgments. Ask away!
October 27, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Really Greg, I disagree. I am circumcised and i don’t feel as though i am missing anything. I don’t feel as though something has been wrongfully taken from me and my manhood is just fine. Additionally, I find forskin unattractive. Would I reject someone for that reason…no. We all have our preferences so please don’t offer out universal staements about what we all feel.
October 27, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Yea I am really glad I am circumcised. and I want my guy to be too. Not only is it cleanlioer
but it is alot more attractive.
October 25, 2009 at 1:43 pm
The last line of this entry, “[A true sense of worth] can only be found within you, as you learn to love the unlovable within you,” is true to a great degree. Except for one thing, I don’t know if any aspect of a person is inherently unlovable.
October 25, 2009 at 1:46 pm
a littel type -> do _you_ crave approval from everyone?
October 25, 2009 at 1:50 pm
typo*
October 25, 2009 at 2:00 pm
What a good post, Davey Wavey. After reading it, I realised I have this disease to please other people.
Thanks a lot for this message. It was surely a good way of starting a new week.
Cheers,
Aurelio
October 25, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Davey I trust what u say is true. But at this moment the truth is not setting me free. I not only have the desease but how can I just be happy with only loving myself when life requires us to intereact with one another?
October 25, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Maybe what matters more is that you love others, rather than them loving you. The act of loving someone will make you way happier than the feeling of being loved! And, you could as an “other”, as in, make sure you love YOU too
October 25, 2009 at 2:39 pm
What if you had a gift to give someone: a gift that you knew was beautiful and would bless the other person. Would you withhold it because you fear it would be rejected and you along with it? What if the gift had nothing to do with you and all to do with the Universe unfolding to someone. And what if the gift–even if not returned–would still remain what it was? And what if it might, at some point in the future, be recognized for what it was?
And what if that gift was love?
October 25, 2009 at 3:29 pm
You’ve obviously never worked for a large corporation — and that’s a good thing!
October 25, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Aww, I can really relate to this. Good post, Davey Wavey, ^_^
October 25, 2009 at 4:32 pm
hah, i was diagnosed with this disease a loooong time ago.i dont really seek approval, i just want to avoid disapproval. so i often agree to do things for others when i don’t really want to, or when i already have a lot on my plate. i do want to be accepted by people, i do feel upset whenever someone doesn’t like me, and i really don’t like being talked about. which is why now when i am around people who don’t really know me i am very quiet and tend to stay unnoticed (i realized that people don’t really talk about you if they don’t notice you). i can also change little things about myself to make someone happy, its no big deal. sometimes it works…
October 25, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Today you annoyed me.
Yes, I’ll be the first to admit that I have sufferedd(sometimes, maybe not too often) from little bouts f the disease to please.
But mister… Time to face the music. If you think you are completely over it, you are kidding yourself like (I guess) the rest of us do.
There is no way you will convince me that the whole shirtless thing (nearly November in New England. I shudder at the thought) or the gym obsession are anything but symptoms of the same disease as you call it. It’s usually combined with fits of twink-lust by the way.
I enjoy reading your blog, don’t get me wrong, but one of the reasons I like it is how observant you are about the world, and how completely and utterly clueless you are about yourself and your motivations at the same time.
I know the Davie following is going to tear me and this comment to shreds, and honestly I don’t care. This was not intended to point out you are imperfect for the sake of pointing it out. This is for the rest of us – the teacher is no more perfect than you students…
October 28, 2009 at 12:31 am
Mikey, I’m guessing you’ll probably return to this post to see if anyone reponsed to you, and I didn’t want you to be disappointed. I do think that Davey fully realizes his own imperfections, and often shares them with us. I also think he knows that collectively we know more than he does (there are, what, 8,000 of us reading his blog?), and he realizes that he grows from our responses to him. I, too, wonder about the shirt-lessness in the winter, but hey, it does make his nipples nicely taut, don’t ya think? Going to Australia,
which is suffering from global warming, maybe we’ll see him sweat.
October 25, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Is it bad if I still have it? =S
October 25, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Man, that’s True!
I can remanber me trying to make the same thing… trying to make people like me…
and only now i realized 100% that what you wrote here is the truth…
October 25, 2009 at 6:54 pm
I was interested reading your post!
October 25, 2009 at 8:09 pm
WOW. Davey, you continue to amaze me.
I have been thinking along these lines for the past week or so and now you have written a post about it. Very inspiring!
October 25, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Now wait just a doggone minute Mikey! I’m not going to “tear you apart”, but you shouldn’t fault Davey for desiring to better himself, from the apparently chubby little boy he describes himself as in his younger years, to become the gorgeous beautiful man we all so admire and adore that he is today. He SHOULD be proud of what he has accomplished, and there’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with him sharing it with us. You are ASSUMING that he does it out of some sense of “self fulfillment”, but because of how I believe Davey’s thought processes are, I would rather think that he’s doing it to inspire those of us who aren’t as Adonis-like. for us to aspire to raise ourselves up to his level, by utilizing the training materials which he markets and lives off of, and by so doing, we all get the benefit of oggling his chiseled physique, which he so generously shares with us. The unique thing about Davey is that he is such a beautiful person both INSIDE as well as OUTSIDE. That’s why he’s got so many followers worldwide.
October 26, 2009 at 2:36 am
Heya Carlin (love the name btw. Always have).
Wasn’t faulting Davie, in the same way of him not faulting others.
I was just trying to draw his attention that he, very obviously, is trying to win people’s admiration/approval/whatever.
It’s not a fault. It’s not a disease. It’s human nature.
All I am trying to say, there is value in accepting yourself with your imperfections, but also there’s value in understanding that it’s only human to want to please others. That’s part of the reason we are able to maintain societies or long lasting family structures.
To me that’s no disease.
October 26, 2009 at 3:13 am
I have actually come across this recently in my life and the question is if people are always saying that there are things about that needs to change what if they are things that I need to change for the better of me. Are these things that I need to change and if they are should, because arent they things that make me me??
October 26, 2009 at 5:12 am
I think that everyone on this planet has the so called “disease to please.” It may be “incurable.” It’s not about attempting to rid ourselves of our desire to please. Just to notice and recognize that we have it and to “put a space around” it, and not be a slave to it. Working out and looking good are a perfect example. We all want to look good so that other people will think well of us. And thats o.k. But to be a slave to other peoples opinions… well thats a dark road. I admit… I want other peoples approval… but hopefully I dont NEED it to feel good about myself.
October 26, 2009 at 6:19 am
“In fact, the more you contribute to the world, the more disapproval you’ll likely encounter. The larger your spotlight and the greater your success, the more dislike you’ll probably experience.”
Davey, it’s totally true. I’ve learned as of late that sometimes being a leader means making some pretty painful decisions. It’s a matter of saying, “Okay, I can either do what needs to be done for the good of the majority of the poeple, or I can let a small number of people whom I know will NOT like my decision (and will definitely let me know they don’t like it) dictate my decision-making.”
It’s tough, but leadership isn’t supposed to be easy. You can’t please everyone all the time.
October 26, 2009 at 6:57 am
Why don’t I get these updates until the day after? Today’s the 26th and this one just came! Davy don’t you like me? I would do anything to get them on time. = (
October 26, 2009 at 7:44 am
Davey, this post is all so true. I have that disease, and it comes out constantly. I’ve made a conscious effort to remind myself that what other people think isn’t terribly important at all, but in some cases it is. A week from today, I will be taking my M.A. exams, in which case what three people think of me and my mind will determine whether or not I’ve wasted $55k on my education thus far. Although I feel I’ve grown, and definitely have, what three Ph.D.’s feel is what determines my next chapter in life.
That said, I have made some strides in not letting it get in the way of my everyday life with the exception of my latest visit to KC’s big gay saloon, “Sidekick’s”. I was informed – by someone who hasn’t met me more than once prior – that I’m a slut. Well, when I drink I tend to get lovey, like almost anyone else. I cried that night because I couldn’t wrap my mind around why someone else would even say such a thing to me given my reality of not having intimate contact with another person in almost a year.
My friends consoled me and they said “That B–ch is just jealous of you cause you’re getting attention from the boys. Let it go”
. . . just my thoughts on “The Disease To Please”
October 26, 2009 at 8:12 am
This one hits home, spot on. I too am a pleaseaholic. Seems like my entire life has been devoted to pleasing others, teaching, cooking, cleaning, picking up after others– you name it, I’ve tried to do it. Except for the “body beautiful” thing. I guess I’ve always felt that if I were a gorgeous hunk of irresistible, rippeling muscles, I’d be a complete slut, except I’m not really that hung.
But I do feel that by trying to please others, I please myself as well. I guess it’s the Bodhisatva thing, not entering Nirvana until you’ve helped everybody else get there first. Compassion requires that we help others.
Can there be too much compassion?
Be well,
October 26, 2009 at 9:06 am
When my mother died, August 2008, I finally could find the strength to stop trying to please everyone. She had a strong hold on me, I know that now.
I had to become 60 to realize that, but better late than never.
Now I love myself like I’ve never loved myself before… I indulge in this new sensation. Everyone I have known for a long time sense the change in me, while new people I meet can enjoy an open minded and almost always smiling new ME.
Now I can say NO – if necessary – with a smile on my face and it feels great!
October 26, 2009 at 1:07 pm
hy…pls just email me back…just wanna talk with u….sorry for my english
October 26, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D. The disease to please.
October 26, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Great post! We fond our worth in who we are. Ty Davey. Once again you are on the mark! :/)
October 26, 2009 at 4:59 pm
We always need someone else´s approval and I think that´s ok. The problem begins when you want to change everyone into liking you. Or (even worse) when you stop do thing you really want to do or see people you really want to see just because some people around of you tells you. that´s a lack of self-love
October 26, 2009 at 8:30 pm
I ,too, suffer from this disease. In fact, I often tell people that my job is “professional doormat”!! (OK-so I am half-joking, but it is somewhat true).
I have learned, however, in the last few years since my divorce & coming back out that not everyone WILL like me…and that’s ok. I KNOW I am a good,kind person & have many friends from different places, likes & activities.
Love yourself first…all else comes naturally..
October 27, 2009 at 10:46 pm
This post was exactly what I needed to read tonight.
October 28, 2009 at 12:33 am
Don’t know about’pleasing’ others, but I do believe that most humans get their greatest joy by ‘contributing’ to others. I wish there were a lot more of it!
October 29, 2009 at 8:29 am
Just Thanks – thanks and thanks!
October 29, 2009 at 10:58 am
Loved the post! grew up as the son of a Baptist minister and as anyone who grew up in the church will tell you, it is constantly drilled into you that God and everyone around you will only love you if you try to please them all the time! Its a sick twisted mentality that kills enjoyment of others because instead of enjoying the company of family and friends, your radar is constantly on, trying to discern which way they will jump next, so you can be there ready to please like some demented emotional servant! It has taken me years and therapy but I am largely free of that, and thankful that the time I spend with people is spent being with them, and not deperately trying to please them…. because as you pointed out so well Davey, the people who matter like you anyway!!!
Thanks for an excellent post and sharing your heart so well!
October 30, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I can not help but constantly please people, i think it’s cause the way I was raised my mom would always tell us(me my brother and sister) to help anyone and everyone we could .I know now that it was a good idea seeing as I’m well like for my giving nature and helping disposition. Though i guess I do wish i could just say no once in a while I just can’t help it, when i was in high school I was in in so many extra curricular activities my I had like no extra time for me friends asked me to join the band, choir, school plays, to tutoring, and helping in charities that I just crashed one day I went to the local park of our town and slept( I had developed insomnia) there almost the whole day (first time skipping school) on some picnic table. That’s where I met this guy that I kind of started seeing, a year older than me and he just convinced me not to be that much of a people pleaser. It took awhile and am still not cured(though I don’t think of it as a sickness so much anymore because its a part of me and that’s just who I am I guess I just don’t let my fear of letting people down rule my life anymore. Xoxo (BTW remember its still breast cancer awareness guys do your part to help) Im not a girl I just still love doing charity work bye.
November 1, 2009 at 3:57 am
Hey Davey,
That is like one of the most important principals in my entire life I’m totally on all sides right there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kenneth R. Livingston
P.S. I swear I have no idea where you get your ideas from but I don’t think I’ve ever been able to relate to someones thougth pattern on a more harmonious level!