A lot of people e-mail me with questions about coming out. More specifically, many of the e-mails are about coming out to parents. Overwhelmingly, the question is: Should I tell my parents that I am gay? I’m not an expert on all things gay, but I’m usually glad to add my own two cents.
Coming out is difficult. Coming out to people that we know and love is even harder. More often than not, it brings two people closer together. Hiding your sexuality from someone you love creates space in your relationship; it is a large secret to keep. But not everyone will be so accepting. There is always a risk involved in coming out.
But at the end of the day, I’d rather people hate me for who I am rather than love me for what I am not.
It must be acknowledged that when you tell your parents that you are gay, your risk losing their role in your life. In making the decision to come out to your family, you must be okay with the possibility of this unlikely outcome. For this reason, it helps to build a network of support from close friends. You may need it.
Let’s be real: There is no ideal time to tell your parents that you are gay. If you’re waiting for the ideal time, you’ll be waiting forever. There are, of course, some times that are better than others. Coming out during a fight, for example, is not productive. I think it is wisest to come out when things are quiet, tempers are muted and there is plenty of time to talk.
But how do you know if that time is now? I can’t answer that question for you. Some people, like me, come out when they are 17. Some people come out when they are 14. Others come out when they are 40. Some people never come out.
When I came out, I knew that the time was right. In my heart of hearts, I could feel that it was something that I needed to do. The misery of living a lie outweighed to possibility of a negative reaction by my parents. For a month or two, I dragged my feet – but I knew it was time. And eventually, it happened.
I suspect the same experience may be true for you. When the time is right, you’ll know it. The circumstances may never be ideal, but you’ll feel it in your heart.
And always remember that there are many resources to help you, and many people to support you. You are not alone.
January 24, 2010 at 10:33 pm
i came out just recently. i am 19 btw and luckily my parents knew…i thought i was hiding it well. parents always seem to know. chances are if you have never had a girlfriend or never talk about girls….they will suspect something is up
January 24, 2010 at 10:41 pm
Then why don;t I come out right now… D:
I just had a talk with some friends about how I was sure that my parents didn’t know… but now that I read this I sort of am sure that they know… xD
January 24, 2010 at 10:36 pm
When I found out that I liked men at age 14, I was still saying that I liked girls out of denial that I really am gay. I trudged along for a few months and eventually I started liking this guy. One day, I was talking to my mom and her boyfriend and it just slipped out that I liked him. They stared at me for a few seconds and knowing that it was out there I just blurted out that I liked guys. My mom squealed with joy and hugged me. Apparently she always wanted a gay son…
My dad, however, just outted me to my entire family and now denies that I’m gay. Total mixed reviews? I say so!
January 24, 2010 at 11:14 pm
“My mom squealed with joy and hugged me. Apparently she always wanted a gay son…”
That’s actually the reaction everyone dreams of!
January 25, 2010 at 3:14 am
Totally!!!
January 27, 2010 at 12:27 pm
yeah… congrats for you!
January 29, 2010 at 1:05 pm
I was lucky, too. My older sister was lesbian (sadly she died two years ago from cancer) and she decided when she met her partner that it was time to come out. I had just met my first partner and figured we’d do a double whammy…. Our parents were in Florida and we were in Michigan so it really didn’t need to come up before. Anyway, she went down and did it for me!
But our parents were cool and told us they loved us and it didn’t matter. Lucky us!! Ever since it’s been great and they’ve always been accepting of our partners.
January 24, 2010 at 10:37 pm
I told my mother when I was 19. She said “I thought so”. She always loved me anyway. I’m 56 now.
January 24, 2010 at 10:39 pm
Thanksgiving Dinner!
1. Everyone is there, so you don’t have to waste time coming out multiple times.
2. There are lots of people there, so if it goes poorly, it’s not likely that you’ll be murdered or beaten.
3. Everyone will always remember that Thanksgiving and forget all about whatever problems were on their mind that day!
Truly the most appropriate, family friendly way.
January 25, 2010 at 3:15 am
Is this a joke?
January 25, 2010 at 3:39 am
Hilarious and not, actually, a bad idea.
January 25, 2010 at 3:58 am
Interesting idea, I told my parents at 14(7 years ago, it feels like yesterday), but I still haven’t said anything to my brothers. I know they will be ok with it but maybe I will just show up with a boyfriend next year and see what happens. could be huge fun.
January 24, 2010 at 11:09 pm
I came out when I was 12.
It pretty much went down like this:
Mom, Dad; I’m gay.
Mom- “Yay! I love you.!”
Dad- “Get the hell out of my house.”
I haven’t lived there since.
Oh, the memories.
Haha.
January 25, 2010 at 3:15 am
That’s so sad…
January 25, 2010 at 3:59 am
:-O !!!!!
January 25, 2010 at 11:33 am
OMG! Where did you go at age 12??
January 25, 2010 at 5:36 pm
yeah I want the rest of the story, sounds like you could write a book!!
January 24, 2010 at 11:20 pm
it took me about three years for me to accept my sexuality, another year to come out to my mom and another year to come out to my dad. I don’t regret it at all, because most of them have accepted me for who I am (except my alcoholic dad, who still cries at night because of it).
Great post, Davey! I wish I read this post earlier and saved myself three years+ of self-inflicted pain and misery.
January 24, 2010 at 11:27 pm
I came out to both of my divorced parents when i was 17. I called them up and told them because im a coward and knew i couldn’t be murdered easily if i was far away, and i had planned to live with friends. They took it ok my dad a religion teacher was disappointed but alright and my mom and step father got a divorce a month later. DRAMA lol Davey’s right you’ll know when it’s right i did.
P.S. – Don’t turn to the church specifically the catholic church for help they treated me like s**t and said i was a sinner and etc.
January 25, 2010 at 3:41 am
Not all churches are alike. My Catholic pastor’s best friends are a lesbian couple. He went to their wedding this summer. People’s reactions, even within the church, are completely individual. I’m gay and I’m on our youth commission! LOL
January 28, 2010 at 10:17 am
yeah-forget the catholic church-if you go to comehomecatholics.org-you will feel empty-jaded and miserable.a liberal Lutheran church-any open minded liberal church is much better.ive been ridiculed last few times i set foot in a catholic church.this catholic come home website-their position on gay people is downright prejudiced-mean-spirited and non-productive.dont venture there.our sexual orientation-is a gift from God.and a catholic priest told me that.he suggested i find an accepting church-and i have-and feel better for leaving the catholic church.
January 24, 2010 at 11:29 pm
I’m 21 and I haven’t come out to my parents or my friends yet. I know that when i do, my friends will not be surprised, but i just dont know how my family would take it. my parents are traditional, conservative and in their 60s, and i dont have a good or close relationship with them or really anyone in my family; however, they’re my family and i’d rather have something than nothing at all. i know that when i come out to them i would be cut out of their lives, and my father would put all of his anger out on others, which is something else that i don’t know if i could live with. Either way, if i do come out or not, i know i’m not going to be happy… i just dont know what to do.
January 24, 2010 at 11:52 pm
Ben, man I totally hear your stress. All I can say is that if you don’t feel ready today
than don’t do it. Take all the time you need. One day it will hit you that you are ready.
the only other thing I would say is that just because you think someone will react a
certain way, doesn’t mean they will. My oldest brother had a hard time with it and
stopped talking to me when he found out, but I thought he would be very cool to me.
My other brother I feared ended up being supportive and a good friend. I know people
who thought their parents would be accepting and they ended up rejecting them.
I also know people who thought their parents would reject them but they were
completely accepting.
So realize that your worst fears might not be accurate. You will never know until you
tell them. But NEVER do it until you are ready!!!!
MUAH! I feel for you man!!
March 9, 2010 at 1:51 am
i can agree with that
i thought my mom was ganna be cool about it bc she always supported gay rights but the day i bring some gay friends over she tells me i shouldnt hang out with them bc people will think badly of me but i kept bringing them anyways
then i decided ok ill tell her the truth and tell her im bi n i dont care what ppl think of me but then she thinks that they turned me and that im just confused and dont no what im talking about n that with time i will realize that im just over reacting
but no if i was i would have realized it long time ago so now all i have 2 do is show that i no who i am
now my dad he’s gonna have a heart attack 4 sure which is y i hvnt told him n im gkad my mom hasnt eather
January 25, 2010 at 3:44 am
You can’t control how people handle the news but for God’s sake don’t let the thought of what their reaction might be prevent you from coming out when the time is right. Suffering in silence doesn’t work well for anyone and you deserve to live your life as you want to despite theri reactions.
January 25, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Ben, our parents are alike. They have the dream of us growing up, getting married and kids debut. The close relationship as well, i had barely anything, i lived in the basement, and no one came down to talk to me. it was like i was a tenant. Your parents reactions will not be able to be predicted. I went into the process of coming out to them, expecting the worst of a reaction. With using my guidance counsellor as a safety and calling them in, i came out. Their reaction hurt me more than i thought as it wasn’t just them being mad and unaccepting, it was them saying i don’t know who i am yet, and for me not to close off doors. I did this may of last year, as i was moving away to university for good. I wanted to create that bond. My parents didn’t say a word except hello how was your day at dinner, for a total of 3 months. After telling them, i felt the person who i was as amazing and it was a sort of high, even though my parents weren’t talking to me. My dad coming around to the fact first in august and slowly got better until now where he is 100% supportive. My mother on the other hand still will talk to me, but expresses strong judgement against it. My grandmother and the rest of my extended family found out recently as i had a bf over for new years dinner. I believe it is helping my mom, as i know here sister is quite accepting and will tell her to smarten up. Ben, it all works out in the end. Your parents always love you no matter what. It will take time for sure. Like my mother is a principal, and she is not accepting. But its not about how they will react. Its about you being happy with who you are. My sister, and even brother who called me faggot before i came out, have a much stronger and healthier relationship. My brother no longer calls me faggot. Tell some close friends first though, it makes it easier with practice. I was completely out to my high school before i even thought about telling my parents. Ben, come out when you feel ready, and you will only feel better about yourself, and eventually if not right away, your parents will turn around and be loving more than ever.
January 24, 2010 at 11:44 pm
Well, Ben, no offense but all parents are different and there are like 7 billion people in the world, and like 1.5 of them are probably gay, more than that I’m sure, so what are the chances of their parents also being conservative and in their 60′s and their kids came out? I mean I’m 16 and I haven’t came out either, but there isn’t a age that you can for sure say that is the right age to come out. Coming out is coming out, in my opinion. Well, you parents might cut you out of their lives, but living is a choice right? There are two roads in every day’s life that happens more than once, I mean, you wake up in the morning and you’d probably choose to either eat first or shower first or brush your teeth first? Right? You choose what to wear, and the question is; is that right or wrong. If you know you are gay, then in my opinion, they may hate you, but they are wrong. I always ask my parents. “Would you hate me if I did something wrong?” They said no because I was there child, no matter what, if I killed someone, they may hate me but I’ll always be their flesh and bones. So
Ben, I really encourage you to tell them, you are at an adult age so you have your rights.
January 26, 2010 at 12:11 am
Just fyi… Statistically its averaged to be about 10% of the population to be gay. So in reality, Less than half of your estimate. 700 Million. Not 1.5 Billion. And it kinda sucks. Too many straight hotties (body + personality) that are outta reach.
January 26, 2010 at 9:00 pm
I’ve slept with half a dozen married men with children. I had a friend, Tom say ” So. Did you bag Andy yet?” No.I discovered there is however a thing being hopelessly straight. Andy told me of how wonderful it was to be in Times Square when the ball drops. I said I am closing my eyes now and imagining it with you. We hugged and kissed pretending it was New Years in Manhattan. It was Summer In Huntington Beach. Andy told Tom if he was gay that he’d be the one. Andy told me he loved me and the kiss he gave me was the first one from a man. I told him it won’t be the last one. he said I don’t know about that. I said. I do. and kissed him. Andy made me promise not to tell anyone. I didn’t. Not even to Tom who was sitting on his death bed at Kaiser Sunset, your last stop in the Kaiser system named after the street but some of us refer to it a Sunset of life. Donna Summer’s song “Sunset people” and “Last Dance” are playing again in my head now. He died being about Davy’s age with the house he grew up in in Southgate with his mother.I was going to make the trip out there and tell him because I couldn’t tell him in front of his ex lover, Bob. Bob called me and told me he had died. My best friend who I’ve known since grade school doesn’t know unless he’s reading this post.I would not betray Andy’s secret by telling Tom in private before he died, I just was too late. f**k me.
January 24, 2010 at 11:46 pm
I completely agree with Davey. There isn’t a specific right time. Only when it feels right. With me it just hit me one day when I was 18 during a walk that I wanted my parents to know. I wasn’t as worried about acceptance as much as I wanted them to know who I was as a person. And then I just did that night, which was scary. And i didnt get the best reaction. My mother told me I’d burn in hell and that I should be fixed. I swear to God. But in time they calmed down and have come to be very supportive to me.
I do recommend one thing. It helps if you can get away from them for a short while. I told my parents a week before I went back to Fairfield University Spring semester. The way I saw it, they had one week to freak out on me, and ask all kinds of crazy questions. And then I got out of there for a few months, to let them sit with it and let me not have to deal with it for a while. lol
January 24, 2010 at 11:51 pm
I recently told my immediate family, I’m 33, my mum just hugged me as I lay crying on the bed and said I love you fullstop gay or straight, and my dad who you would think the totally opposite off said be yourself, be out and proud. I have to say they are A++ on the parenting stage and it took me this long because I felt I would disappoint them despite knowing they would love me all the same.
The hardest thing is thinking your letting people down, the reality is sexuality is a small part of who you are and everyone faces major challenges in their lives, for you it is most likley that being gay is yours.
At the end of the day its a case of one breath at a time, one step at a time and knowing there is always somebody there for you, and if you feel there isnt… shout out.
Best Wishes
January 25, 2010 at 12:22 am
I came out when I was 18 few weeks before I turned 19, the first person I told was my best friend. And within a month I came out to everyone in my life. My best friends and family. Surprisingly they all said they knew. My mom actually told me when I was about to tell her. And she always knew and when I was younger her and my dad would discuss it. The people who it was the hardest to tell were my brothers and dad. My bros took it fine and well for my dad. We didn’t speak for a week. But now things are fine. Even after I put him trough something crazy a few months after I came out. But we got over that. But It all depends on the person and how comfortable you feel. I mean I laid in bed crying when I finally accepted who I knew I always was. If your family doesn’t accept you then thats their loss on what kind of beautiful person you are. This can also show you who you real friends are if they stick by you. Just remember that times may get tough but you can over come them with whatever fith you have.
January 25, 2010 at 1:25 am
I’m living an out life everywhere, but at home, right now. It’s not that I am hiding anything, it is just that my love life is not up for discussion at this point in time. As of now, my sexuality is not hindering my having an authentic relationship with my parents.
My brother knows and so do some cousins and family friends (and I have their love and support). I used to think that I HAD to come out to my parents, like it was a item on a TO DO LIST, but it’s not. I mustered up the courage to tell my parents several times and those days weren’t the days to do it. I have had several moments since where I felt the this-is-the-perfect-time feeling, but knew that I didn’t have to tell them then. Those are the greatest feelings ever.
It is your life, do it on your own terms. When I feel my relationship with my parents is inauthentic, then they’ll know.
I’m 21 and happy.
January 25, 2010 at 2:14 am
Hey Davey,
In my opinion I think that the best time to come out is when you know FOR SURE that you are gay! I think that especially when you come out to your parents you need to keep in mind that. Any parent who has a good relationship with their child will already know. Be sure that your coming out to them is not a cry for attention. If you desire attention from your parents I would say find ways to increase the contact with your parents in less “shocking” ways first. Work on showing an interest in family. I “almost” guarantee if you tell someone like your grandmother first she would probably be more comfortable with it than your own parents especially if your grandmother is over 70. Just because of the meanings that that generation puts on homosexuality. I would say that you should be sure to have good groundings and have people in your life that you can unconditionally trust and that you mutually unconditionally love, if you have concern of unacceptance from a parent. The reality is is that sexuality is a journey and in 5 years you may not feel attracted to the same sex and then in another 5 all of a sudden you are again so, don’t sweat the small stuff.
Kenneth R. Livingston
January 25, 2010 at 2:33 am
I don’t understand this. Why is there a need to tell anybody? I don’t think ‘coming out’ is wrong, but if a person just lives their life those in it and around it can usually get things sorted.
Life your life, be happy. If you’re unhappy seek change.
Just in case anyone is wondering I am not ‘closeted’ I don’t understand that either.
January 25, 2010 at 9:49 am
A vast majority of people, upon realizing that they are gay, turn to self-damaging thoughts because of the “societal norms” of today. I started realizing I was attracted to guys around the age of 9, (4th grade-5th grade) and it did a whole hell of a lot of damage because I was constantly unsure of who I was myself and what it meant. Since then I’ve grown, and now at the age of 14 come out to most of my friends, my father, and my aunt. The Idea of being “Closeted” just refers to the way in which once again, the vast majority, of gays and lesbians and even bisexuals hide that fact and act like the more common “societal norm” of being straight because of fear. In this society at the moment, “The Other” is happening again. Society creates an “Other” to create an easily made sense of togetherness and oneness within themselves. Gays and Lesbians have become a new “Other” in many parts of the world. Backed by religion, It becomes fairly easy for a Gay or Lesbian Teen to be tremendously scared of the world around them not accepting them, from their fellow peers to their parents and family. A great fear that people have is that they won’t be accepted by their parents… Something very difficult to deal with. What I will say however is if you do not get the Concept, then you are one of the lucky few who is able to live their life without that aspect of reality. You don’t have to deal with the constant fear that many acquire throughout life in different situations because of the “societal norms” of this era.
January 26, 2010 at 10:13 am
I am gay, born in 1965. I have blue eyes, brown hair and I’m gay. My ‘gayness’ matters about as much to me and feeling accepted as my hair.
‘Societal norms’ change as everything does.
Fear is just part of the illusion.
I’m not a huge Madonna fan but she nailed it when she said “Poor is the man who’s pleasure depends on the permission of another.” I do not need my parents, family members, or anyone else’s acceptance or permission to be gay. If they can’t deal with the fact that I am a homosexual, it is their issue not mine.
January 26, 2010 at 6:01 pm
“Poor is the man who’s pleasure depends on the permission of another.”
This sounds like a reason/response for RAPE!
January 25, 2010 at 3:10 am
Out? I wasn’t even ‘IN’!
January 25, 2010 at 3:52 am
I like the advice of Dr. Joy Browne: Tell people when there’s something to tell. In other words, when you’re in a relationship that you want to share with your family – something committed and lasting – then it’s a good time to tell your family. I’m 34 and on the verge of my first really serious relationship. I’ve already told my stepmom because she asked, outright. But she hasn’t told anyone else yet. Soon as the deal is sealed with my guy and I want my folks to meet him, I will let the cat out of the bag LOL! It’s become easy to just be myself around friends even without really ‘coming out’ per se. But I think as far as my parents go I should tell them so they’re not wondering who this other cute guys is sitting at our Christmas Dinner table next year LOL!
January 25, 2010 at 3:53 am
I came out to my parents at 17yrs old, Im 30 now. My family is very open about it, as half of my family is gay. I think the key to coming out is having a great network of support from friends that you can count on if something does go bad. I think most mom’s know were gay even before we admit it to ourselves.
January 25, 2010 at 4:30 am
Do straight people have to tell others they are straight??? let your actions speak for themselves, that way you won’t be pigeon holed into a label. like LGBT thing, im not Bi, im not a lesbian, and im definitely no tranny. So unless someone directly asks me I leave it alone. When someone does ask me directly I make call on if its important for me to have that person “know”. I have found that people treat you different after verbally confirming their suspicion, and that annoys me greatly, like i’m the same person i was 2 seconds ago before i told you WTF!!!!
January 25, 2010 at 4:39 am
My coming-out story is actually quite funny (to me). I never had to come out to my dad because he just knew but my mum would not see it. She’s always been very religious so I was not looking forward to telling her and tried to put it off as long as I could. One day, I had to get my wisdom teeth removed and she came with me. I opted for just being knocked out in favour of local anaesthetic (got to try everything once, right?)
When I came to, I was so groggy and just ridiculously high! Nothing could touch me. It was really very peaceful. My mum and I were sitting together in a room waiting for the doctor and I just looked at her and knew. I just blurted it out! She smiled and asked me if I was sure. I said yes and she took my hand and told me she loved me. And that was that.
January 25, 2010 at 6:14 am
Hi. First comment I have ever put on here. I love this blog. Read it every day!!! Any way I came out in December 2009 to my family. I had been keeping it to myself for ages. It felt like the right time. I had just then started too really like a guy and it would not have been right to have started a relationship without telling my parents. It was a little odd while they still adjusted to it. But everything is great now. Mum keeps up-dating me on news from here work about LGBT and I have a great boyfriend. Coming out is the best thing I achieved last year.
January 25, 2010 at 7:29 am
Davey Wavey..I have been counseling a teen who suspects his Dad(who has already disowned his own Brother who is gay)will toss him OUT on the street if he knows his Son is gay..that the time is not right til he is older..maybe even in college because the Son doesn’t want to lose his Fathers love..The two don’t get along NOW..so I feel the Father also suspects his Son is gay..There really is NO right time to come OUT especially to ones Dad as it takes his masculinity away..Love David
January 25, 2010 at 7:42 am
I came out when i was 12, and thats not that far from now. I wimped out on telling him face to face, so i wrote him a note, and he got home and read it. He so knew. I came out to my friends earlier that year. They took it great and i made a whole lot more friends.
January 25, 2010 at 7:42 am
i came out to my mum in 1978 and she took it so bad and called me so many things that i ran away from home, police caught me brought me back things were still the same so i went off again and this went on for a long time, now at the age of 47 things are now accepted and there is love again
January 25, 2010 at 8:04 am
I luckily never needed a real coming out.
My first girlfriend was my best friend. We found an apartment and in this time we come together.
Well, it was never spoken out loud, but when I talked later to my mom she told me that they knew about us.
This conversation had taken place when I wanted to tell them about my new boyfriend.
My girlfriend fall in love with a guy after ~5 years. Since our relationship has change in the last month into a very good friendship I told her… I wish you all the best.
But back to the conversation.
Well, my father only told me… “We thought you are gay!” He was happy that I have found a boyfriend. But he never said a single word against my girlfriend.
I think he don’t really realise that I’m bi.
I think that my sisters and my brother know about my feelings for both gender.
Like I said, it was never really spoken out.
Only one of my sister and my mom, my nearest familymembers, talked with me about it.
But the whole family sticks together.
This is ~6 years ago.
All these years I thought myself that I’m hetero because I thought that the feeling for a woman was only with my girlfriend.
I never had any interests in women since then.
Well, I was wrong.
Since a few weeks/ month I have to admit, that seeing nice girls gives me a good feeling.
Again, it’s my mom and my sister I can talk to. But now I also have one of my nieces (actually 2 of my nieces) I can talk to.
I can be happy that I never had any bad conversations or situations regarding my bi- sexuality.
It is sad, that so many gays, lesbians, bis or transgender have problems with people they love.
I have to agree with other comments before… if your parents really loves you and cares for you… they will know.
But take your time and don’t hold back only because you fear how they will react.
It’s always hard to live with a secret like that, especialy when you found a boyfriend or in my case a girlfriend.
Take care
Love
Siri
January 25, 2010 at 8:30 am
Davey, Thank you so much for this post! I’m 17 and still not out yet, and am waiting until I go to college next year so that I can have some time away from my parents. I was worried before that this was cowardly, or that by waiting almost two years to actually tell my parents, I was being a coward. Now I see that I will be ready when it’s time, and not before.
Thank you, and thanks to all the comment-ers who offered their own stories and advice!
January 25, 2010 at 8:42 am
I find myself in a strange place. I am 48 years old, and have yet to specifically come out to any member of my family. I am QUITE sure that my mother and sister both know, but the strange attitude of my little part of Ohio is that if I do not actually SAY anything, then I am straight, and any eccentricities can be swept under the rug.
I have promised myself, I will tell them, as soon as I get a boyfriend. Now I just have to find one!
January 25, 2010 at 8:44 am
My father kicked me out of the house over 20 years ago, and has not spoken to me since…..and that’s ok – NOW!
It was a tough battle, but I like to think I turned out just fine. I wrote a short entry in my blog about it, and also made a video to show others that things DO turn out ok.
http://www.robert365.com/www.robert365.com/Blog/Entries/2009/3/18_THIS_DATE_IN_HISTORY…_20_YEARS_AGO..html
January 25, 2010 at 8:59 am
Make a video, Davey, for your YT channel re: this important info. It’s way to imporatant to not share via your unique footage style.
Peace.
January 25, 2010 at 9:37 am
I knew when I was 14, but “the church” demonized gay life. So I married and pretended to be like my brothers and sister, until 5 years ago, I came out to my wife who then tried to kill herself, and while she was in the hospital I told my Mom. I made a big build up to tell her and she said, “Oh is that all, I thought you were going to tell me you had cancer.”
Of course Mom wanted to tell the rest of the family and everyone has been ok with me being me. My wife, was unsuccessful in her attempt, but no one in her family would care for her, so we have stayed together, for now.
I love you Davey, Joey
January 25, 2010 at 9:52 am
My dad met my first bf at a restaurant, and the next day he asked me if I knew he was a KNOWN
homosexual { a small Jewish community). I said yes I did. It was never brought up again , yet all my bf were invited to dinner and became close with my dad and step mother. Sometimes the less said the better.
I did have the advantage of a older gay cousin to prepare them.
January 25, 2010 at 9:55 am
Your wisdom is profound.
I certainly agree with everything you wrote, Davey.
I came out pretty late (35), and after a 7 year differently-sexed marriage. I had already told my sister by the time I came out to my only living parent, and she had told my father that I had co-founded an institution. She knew it was a gay & lesbian institution.
So, at our next phone conversation, my father asked me about the entity I had co-founded. I told him what it was. He then shared that in the town where we lived while I was growing up, there were several gay men sharing their lives together whom he very much respected and had befriended.
So—after not sharing my sexuality with him for decades for fear of something—I really don’t know what—the reality of coming out was much different—with warm fuzzies.
Out of this, my suggestion is that people are best advised to come out after they have rather fully come out to themselves, and, can speak to others about the positive aspects of being gay. If one is hating the idea of being gay and hating oneself, this will be projected to the other person, and they will feel bad for the person coming out—no matter how positive they might be about gay & lesbian people.
As a political thing, Coming Out is most positive. I personally believe that it is the foundation of achieving gay & lesbian human/civil rights. Only when people can see us as human beings similar to them, will they behave toward us like humans.
Keep up the great work Davey Wavey—the world embraces you!!
January 25, 2010 at 10:16 am
Well done Davey; good advice.
I came out in 1982 at 21. Scared to death, and afterwards, not sure exactly why I was so scared. I was home to watch the 49ers win their first super bowl and told my parents when the victory was won!
My parents, relatively conservative/moderate Republicans, my dad one of those “man’s man” and 4 brothers. The highlight was, when ready to head home, my dad gave me a really big hug and asked, “are you happy ?” All the tension released; my dad saw that, and added, “well then I am happy for you, and don’t let anyone belittle you.”
[My mom accepted what she must but was always expressing, under her breath, low level disapprove and disappointment.]
Davey’s thought: “I’d rather people hate me for who I am rather than love me for what I am not” is very well expressed!
Best wishes for all those many who are facing this tough job.
Davey’s thought that
January 25, 2010 at 10:59 am
I think Davey has given EXCELLENT advice. I told my parents when I was about 25. Before I told them, I could feel the distance between us growing larger all the time. It was because I was becoming a stranger to them. I couldn’t tell them about anything important in my life. It was a HUGE relief to tell them. And we’ve never been distant since. Now I can share with them all the important things in life without fear of hiding.
January 25, 2010 at 11:30 am
Your first responsibility is to yourself. Don’t indulge in drama by coming out to your parents if you are not completely self supporting. This is particularly true if
*your parents are members of a cult religion like the Mormonism or Catholicism
*they tend to condemn others not like them
*either are in organizations or professions which by and large promote narrow standards of behavior.
*You are motivated by a desire to “just get it over with so I can have less tension.”
*They have responded badly to some of your friends.
*You can fill in this sentence “Right now is the moment to come out and not some other time because…”
*You have a place to stay if they kick you out
…But then all of the above doesn’t count if you truly think there is a GOOD chance that they will respond well. Think before you open your mouth.
January 25, 2010 at 11:41 am
Coming out is a life-long process. It is not just your immediate family but your on-going entourage of work mates, sports buddies, girlfriends (yes we gay guys have girlfriends too), your doctor dentist, barber, or with whomever you have an important relationship.
It might seem as if everyone knows already but then you walk down the street and run into someone who hasn’t seen you since way back when, or a cousin you don’t hang out with who wants you to be their kid’s godfather etc., etc.
So it’s not just THE coming out but LIVING OUT that makes the difference. There is no greater feeling of affirmation or freedom than to be who you really are.
Be well,
January 25, 2010 at 12:11 pm
Well I am 22 and have yet to come out to my family or my place of employment. My family is very much a conservative family and I know that they would shun me out of their lives forever, and I couldnt bare that faith. Also I serve in the military and if I were to tell the people I work with or anyone else for that matter, Not only would I lose my family but I would lose my career. Once gays are allowed in to the military, will be the time that it is right for me.
January 25, 2010 at 1:27 pm
Thank you so much davey wavey! I am 14i just came out to my mom a couple of weeks ago, haven’t came out to my dad yet. I did come out to my friend And my sister about 6 months ago. I hope coming out to my dad won’t be to hard. since I came out to mom I can be my self! Coming out was really hard because I am a Mormon. Thanks again
January 25, 2010 at 9:22 pm
I’m on a mission. A red haired Mormon boy. I can wait till he becomes a man.
January 26, 2010 at 1:50 am
Who me??!!
January 27, 2010 at 10:49 pm
If your a natural red head, I’m way there dude.
January 25, 2010 at 1:29 pm
Wish I had a coming out story. As a kid growing up in San Jose, California, I remember my hippie parents telling me one day when I was 13 years old that they we proud to have a gay son. At 13 I didn’t even know. My parents had an instinct and they were right. I love my hippies parents, tattoos, piercings, pot and all. Me, no tats, piercings or smoking of any kind, but I do lots of yoga.
January 25, 2010 at 3:13 pm
But at the end of the day, I’d rather people hate me for who I am rather than love me for what I am not.
January 25, 2010 at 4:43 pm
I finally came out to my folks (who I have a very close relationship with) when I was 17, mum wanted to take responsibility, dad sat back with a smile and said ‘takes all types to make the world spin’!
They are particulary fond of my builder husband (he comes in quite handy)!
January 25, 2010 at 6:53 pm
I wish I had a chance to tell my parents myself when I’m ready, but no, instead my mom decided to go through my stuff and read my diary…
January 25, 2010 at 7:10 pm
I plan to come out after I graduate from high school: when I’m in college dorms, so I can leave them chill for awhile.
They’re not paying my tuition anyway; I’m a foster kid. Just turn 18 though
January 25, 2010 at 7:52 pm
I got some great advice from a friend before coming out as a young person. If you are unsure of how your parents will react, wait until you are financially independent, then come out when you are ready.
January 27, 2010 at 11:35 pm
That’s what I usually tell them. I have met and comforted many teen boys doing tricks on Santa Monica Blvd. Lonnie, who I met in Laguna in the late 80′s said he was going to do such a book. I hope he was alive to do it. Most all those people I met were wiped out in just the beginning of the 90′s.
January 25, 2010 at 8:28 pm
When should you tell them ? When you can’t deal with not telling them any longer.
January 25, 2010 at 9:09 pm
I would suggest wearing a T shirt that says “It’s OK to be straight.” I would be evasive on any questions concerning my sexuality. I defer to Ricky Martin a new father now and I don’t expect him to make any announcement on how he became a father. I don’t know if Anderson Cooper made an announcement yet and frankly Scarlet I don’t give a damn. Neil Patrick Harris made the announcement having his current lover five years before. So why did you bother, Neil? Your more convincing as a poon hound on your TV show. Wentworth Miller is asked the question constantly and I hate hearing the same lame answer. It’s his career he is more concerned with than his love life. Concerning his career that’s going no where, his love life need not be an open book. Jake Gyllenhaal is officially available now another one who is constantly being pestered with the question maybe you two should hook up, or better yet the three of us have one hot three way and celebrate at a club and have a huge ad campaign where Perez Hilton famously is NOT invited. (Paris Hilton needn’t bother.)Seth Green stupidly announced that he was not gay. I believe he is a strong candidate for sexiest man nod being fantasized about by an equal amount of men as women probably in the millions.I will not be campaigning for him in People magazine but would love to see him win anyway because he truly is very sexy. In high school I had the hots for this boy. A fantasy came true when we were in the pool and we were face to face while a bunch of guys dog piled on me. I was kicked out of the pool because of a chronic bloody nose, everyone begging the instructor that no one had hit me that hard. I just wanted to continue because I wasn’t the only one enjoying the moment his little stiffy became full on. He didn’t blush and neither did I being of Swedish decent. He has about 6 kids now. I had to help out a boy with a necktie tying it while being behind him in front of the mirror. The other boys in the locker room remarked on how the hell do I tie a tie in the mirror. I said my dad said the same thing, teaching me four different knots. They also observed the boy in front of me standing proud, my crotch right on his ass him fully hard. We were not blushing, the others were. I had a friend of mine who is going to turn 30 on Feb. 1st. I passed the baton to him by giving him all my neckties. I never counted them but the trash bag kept tearing at the weight of them. He pulled out one of them and smiled. ( I thought he thought it was tacky ) It was the most expensive tie I ever owned–$300 Mimi Fong original from Neiman Marcus. He said he didn’t do ties. (he wore one the last time I saw him at an event) I said spread the love and teach a boy how to tie one and give it to him one boy at a time. Being gay doesn’t define me. Being a man does. Jesse James is a real man. He is providing for the hood in Long Beach even more now with his burger joint that’s always packed. When people ask how he came up the name of his restaurant we just giggle. You can google. Jesse can wear my pink speedo. I’ll make him quiche for lunch, but I won’t eat it. Real men MAKE quiche. Jesse can eat it while wearing my speedo and tell anyone who cares too much to eat s**t. But he is a man of more action than words. David you are free to make that tee shirt. When you put them on your website I will order two. I will wear both of them. When someone inquires about them I will give them the shirt off my back. I can go home shirtless if need be and order more. Jesse does a big business in T shirts. I don’t think it will take much convincing by me for him to stock them or even wear them publicly along with Sandy. Now maybe you know now what it is to be a man. A real man doesn’t do labels unless they’re for a good cause. Any more questions?
January 25, 2010 at 9:31 pm
What’s your point? that you can’t reply to a block according to its topic?
Why do you bring all those celeberties into this?
I just don’t get it…
and what if Jake’s actually straight?
January 27, 2010 at 11:50 pm
It’s OK to be straight. Makes labels irrelevant. Forcing celebrities out of the closet is just wrong and why does everybody obsess about who I choose to be with. Jake was asked if he was bisexual he said “I take that as a compliment.” He did not answer the question, did he?” Any more than Ricky Martin did. I have been with married men. So does that make them bi? Who cares? One day no one. But obviously I won’t live to see it given Your point. Got point? Have a glass of milk and PLEASE tell me you do.
January 28, 2010 at 1:35 am
uhh…you sounded like the one who cared too much about those celebrities. You wrote a whole book about them in this blog earlier, talking crap about Neil and Wentworth Miller’s “lame answer,” and then say Jake should hook up with him. I just had a glass of milk, my point is IT’S OKAY TO BE STRAIGHT, I don’t care what those celebs are. And if you have the same point, talk like you do, don’t talk so much crap about their labels and answers when you say it’s okay.
January 25, 2010 at 9:33 pm
and what’s the problem with you and T-shirts?
You’re really not making sense..
January 28, 2010 at 12:18 am
WTF. T-Shirts. Seriously. They’re like bumper stickers. Problem? No problem. Only the imaginary one you created in your mind. Maybe your glass of milk needs to b e a white Russian instead. You need something with a kick. (pun intended)
January 28, 2010 at 1:47 am
your thing is just too long to read; I scanned through quickly and saw you typed something about T-shirts twice, and it doesn’t really make sense, that’s all. Something about some ties and a guy “standing proud” with your hard dick on his ass and being a man and letting someone wearing your pink speedo and take off your shirt to let someone wear it… everything you said are just weird and hard to understand and barely making sense, like hugo on the bottom said.
January 26, 2010 at 3:49 am
Holy s**t dude! did you have a big bowl of sugar for breakfast? Or did you forget to take your ritalin? To borrow a phrase “I’m more confused then a termite in a yo yo”! What are you talking about, your like a SNL skit.
January 28, 2010 at 12:11 am
Yo Yos are for kids Trix, aren’t. Unless you want obesity and subsequent diabetes in their future. Ritalin don’t get me started. I’ve seen many a beautiful boy ruined by it because of parents and teachers think they can control a kid who wants to be a kid and medicate a slight “discipline” problem not admitting problems of their own. YOU people are the ones needing therapy. As for termites get your place tented a take a vacation that will be better to clear your mind from the fumes. Yo Yos made of wood are probably seen only in museums now.
January 28, 2010 at 1:51 am
you’re not making sense here either, just like what you posted earlier. Hugo is simply saying that he cannot understand what you’re saying, and you went on to talk about yo yo and Trix and therapy…
January 25, 2010 at 9:19 pm
P. S. Reagan’s son came out to his parents and he was thrown out of the house. Nancy remarked that she loved her son unconditionaly. While that obviously was bullshit just saying “No” might actually be a viable option afterall.
January 25, 2010 at 9:42 pm
1) Build Your Life around Deception—STAY IN THE CLOSET!
2) CLOSETS ARE FOR THE ASHAMED!
3) PROMOTE CENSORSHIP—STAY IN THE CLOSET AND CENSOR YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS.
January 26, 2010 at 7:29 am
It must be acknowledged that when you tell your parents that you are gay, your risk losing their role in your life. In making the decision to come out to your family, you must be okay with the possibility of this unlikely outcome. I have read this interesting story about tell your parents you are gay blog here :
http://www.adultfriendclubs.com/blogs/free-dating-site-for-online-gay/
January 27, 2010 at 11:57 pm
You might inherit their baggage instead of their estate. Seen it many a time. Don’t ask don’t tell works for my family ( I overheard, but I spare the gory details) But it sure ain’t flying as a military policy.
January 26, 2010 at 7:45 am
it’s funny because I just saw this post but I “came out” to my mother like an hour after you posted it =)