From my new apartment in Toronto, I sat down with my good friend and Torontonian, Dan, to record this talky blog for the “It Gets Better Project“. Hope you enjoy:
From my new apartment in Toronto, I sat down with my good friend and Torontonian, Dan, to record this talky blog for the “It Gets Better Project“. Hope you enjoy:
October 3, 2010 at 6:17 am
First! =>
thanks for the words of encouragement davey
October 3, 2010 at 6:29 am
Great Video Davey
I did not realize you are in the Toronto Area now. If you have the chance please encourage your viewers to come out to an event in AJAX Ontario – An Evening of Hope
With all the LGBT Youth Suicides happening in North America we are hosting an evening – Ajax was chosen as Shaquille Wisdom completed by Suicide on Oct 20th 2007 at the age of 13 from being Bullied and homophobia
Please also remember http://www.pflagcanada.ca is here to help educate and support!
Feel free to come out to the event
October 3, 2010 at 6:30 am
The event page is on facebook
at http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=146074622100333&ref=ts
Thanks
October 3, 2010 at 6:36 am
I LOVE that you did this talkie blog! So true, it does get better. I too, had the thoughts of suicide cross my mind. Thankfully, I never attempted it. I can relate on how it can be difficult in school, especially high school. I was called a f*g almost daily, even though I always had a girlfriend. I did not play sports, I was not involved in any extra curricular activities at school, I was not in the “cool” crowd, and the majority of my friends were girls…so, I guess that made me a f*g in their immature opinions.
It DOES get better. I moved out when I was 17, graduated, came out when I was 18. I did not want my family to reject me & be forced to hear the “Your not my son” speech, so I turned it around on them. I came out & explained how hard it was for me to tell them, but I have accepted myself, and if they (my mother & step-father) could not accept me for who I am, then “I have no mother or father”.
My mother cried for days & finally called me to tell me that she could not believe that I would say such a thing. It was not in her “plan” for me to be gay, but I am her son & she loves me no matter what. She was mostly upset that I would say “…then I have no parents”. Please note, she had spoke with a friend before she contacted me. According to her friend, whom I spoke with, my mother stated, “I just cannot bare the thought of him having sex with a man.”. Her friend responded with, “You should not be thinking of your son having sex with anyone, no matter the gender.” That seemed to be a “light bulb” moment for my mother.
Over the years, my mother has slowly accepted me for who I am, however she is still a bit uneasy when I bring a boyfriend home for family events (even though all my family knows). She even went as far as telling me that my boyfriend and I could not hold hands, slow dance together or kiss each other. Her stating that gave me the impression that she thought that my boyfriend and I were going to make out in front of everyone…which I would not do with anyone in front of family. My mother is coming around, slowly but surely.
I have not spoken with my father in over 7 years (for reasons beyond my sexuality).
The main thing to remember is that it is NOT your “problem”, it is theirs. If they cannot accept you for who you are, then it’s their loss.
It may be difficult if you are in a situation where you are still living with your parents. But once you are on your own, you can be yourself. Parents usually come around eventually in some way or another. It may be an emotional process, but always keep in mind there is nothing wrong with you. You were made the way you are for a reason.
I have lost friends & made even better friends after coming out. I truly consider many of my friends family, mostly because they were there for me when my family wasn’t.
At 34 years old (35 in Dec.), I can attest, it does get better…just hold on, be patient. It’s your life, live it the way you feel best!
October 3, 2010 at 6:36 am
I LOVE that you did this talkie blog! So true, it does get better. I too, had the thoughts of suicide cross my mind. Thankfully, I never attempted it. I can relate on how it can be difficult in school, especially high school. I was called a f*g almost daily, even though I always had a girlfriend. I did not play sports, I was not involved in any extra curricular activities at school, I was not in the “cool” crowd, and the majority of my friends were girls…so, I guess that made me a f*g in their immature opinions.
It DOES get better. I moved out when I was 17, graduated, came out when I was 18. I did not want my family to reject me & be forced to hear the “Your not my son” speech, so I turned it around on them. I came out & explained how hard it was for me to tell them, but I have accepted myself, and if they (my mother & step-father) could not accept me for who I am, then “I have no mother or father”.
My mother cried for days & finally called me to tell me that she could not believe that I would say such a thing. It was not in her “plan” for me to be gay, but I am her son & she loves me no matter what. She was mostly upset that I would say “…then I have no parents”. Please note, she had spoke with a friend before she contacted me. According to her friend, whom I spoke with, my mother stated, “I just cannot bare the thought of him having sex with a man.”. Her friend responded with, “You should not be thinking of your son having sex with anyone, no matter the gender.” That seemed to be a “light bulb” moment for my mother.
Over the years, my mother has slowly accepted me for who I am, however she is still a bit uneasy when I bring a boyfriend home for family events (even though all my family knows). She even went as far as telling me that my boyfriend and I could not hold hands, slow dance together or kiss each other. Her stating that gave me the impression that she thought that my boyfriend and I were going to make out in front of everyone…which I would not do with anyone in front of family. My mother is coming around, slowly but surely.
I have not spoken with my father in over 7 years (for reasons beyond my sexuality).
The main thing to remember is that it is NOT your “problem”, it is theirs. If they cannot accept you for who you are, then it’s their loss.
It may be difficult if you are in a situation where you are still living with your parents. But once you are on your own, you can be yourself. Parents usually come around eventually in some way or another. It may be an emotional process, but always keep in mind there is nothing wrong with you. You were made the way you are for a reason.
I have lost friends & made even better friends after coming out. I truly consider many of my friends family, mostly because they were there for me when my family wasn’t.
At 34 years old (35 in Dec.), I can attest, it does get better…just hold on, be patient. It’s your life, live it the way you feel best!
October 3, 2010 at 6:37 am
Sorry, I posted twice by accident. Please disregard the second post.
October 3, 2010 at 6:42 am
an other fine talky blog Davey! For some people and hopefully soon for all peoples their will be no need to hide who they are. I have been trying to prove to people that their ridged ideas do not hold water I ask is all male supper masculine are all female super femine no so why would there not be a middle ground. like a gauge that is male on one side female on other and the arrow can move from one side to the other which is what happens in nature so we do not get to choose where we fall in this gauge but we need to be accepted for who we are not what someone else wants us to be. I find the thing I end up doing is protecting other people from themselves by not being me! keeping the secret and for older people that maybe the best for them everyone is different. But my advice to the younger people is that there is a lot of support and accepting people the worst thing you could do is stay in the closet. if you can read this you can find support and friendship on the internet from which you can grow. I never had the chance to take advantage of the information the younger gay people have. we all fit in that gauge somewhere and the middle space is the largest part of that gauge.
October 3, 2010 at 7:11 am
I have horrid stories about growing up gay and Catholic. I was raised in a devout catholic family, all boy Catholic grade schools-high schools and Catholic University. I never experienced what you experienced. Never once was I ever told I was going to “Hell”. Yes the church talked about mortal sin it has no choice. I am sorry to hear you are unwilling to live the faith you were baptized and confirmed into. Very sad. My faith embraced me gay or not. I guess everyone chooses the life they live. I never understood why anyone would leave the church, but then again there are plenty of gays who wonder why I stay. Only thing I can say is God first. Anyways good video, suicide among gay teens are 4 times greater than non gay teens. There are many questions why this happen not enough answers. Okay take care
October 3, 2010 at 8:49 am
Thank you for posting this Davey and thank you for all you do. You have no idea how you help people. You are helping me be more and more accepting of who I am AND I am using your fitness website to get fit. I love all you do for us and for this worthy project. Most of all, I thank you for what you are doing for me even though you don’t know me from Adam! Keep up the good work. Good bless and I love you!
October 3, 2010 at 8:50 am
Oh and thank you too Dan
October 3, 2010 at 8:58 am
Thanks guys,
I believe you captured the essence of being gay; when you accept it yourself, you would never want to be straight because you recognize how great being gay really is.
The road to acceptance is never straight and narrow, but the journey makes you stronger, bolder, and happier.
Personally, I had been grappling with my sexuality since I was 12-13, but didn’t come to believe-accept who I was until I turned 19, a freshman in college. It can take a while, but it happens at different times for everyone.
And now I’m 23, a recent college grad living life and I’m ready for the next journey (and I wouldn’t want it to be straight and narrow–I want to explore, become lost, get disoriented, lose my bearings, and find more out about myself)
Ultimately, I’m proud to be gay.
In fact, whenever the afterlife or next world/life comes, I hope I’m still gay! Xoxo
Ryno-
October 3, 2010 at 10:30 am
A good talky blog Davey. Thank you for adding your voice and trying to help people. You do make a difference and inspire.
T
October 3, 2010 at 11:09 am
Keep it up Davey! This is a really important message to keep getting out there. Every few days young men and womyn are thinking how bad it is, and consider hurting themselves. So, the message must keep being stated by people that young people are watching and to which they are listening. Bravo!!
October 3, 2010 at 11:49 am
Funny thing I still carry the pain. Humiliations still come back to haunt me. It may get better for some of us and it is better for me too but even though I’ve pulled out the nails from the post the holes are still there.
October 3, 2010 at 12:13 pm
Thanks Davey && Dan (:
Between the ages of 12-14, I considered suicide…but in glad I didn’t. I love that I’m gay, I don’t care that my parents are fully OK with it, and I am happy for the awesome friends I’ve made.
I love you Davey !
xoxoxo
October 3, 2010 at 1:30 pm
Thanks for letting me know about the project. I’ve only seen a few videos as of now, and I’ve already cried, and I’ve laughed.
who shared their personal stories that will lift many. <3
My heart goes out to all the people involved in creation of this project, as well as to all our friends (including you!
October 3, 2010 at 3:05 pm
Thanks so much for contributing to the “It gets better”-project. It’s such an important thing and it could become a world-wide movement.
October 3, 2010 at 9:53 pm
i’m very scare. im never ever think what happen when i tell to my parents im gay. impossible to find love in high school. they said ” oh you gay, go away from here”. some time i think, i dont want to be gay. why im gay? why impossible to make a boyfriend.
October 3, 2010 at 10:33 pm
Thanks Davey!
This “It Gets Better” project has been incredibly inspiring. I’m 18 and am trying to “come out”… its not going well. My parents will no longer let me live in their house if i’m gay. So hurtful.. but It will indeed get better
Love you Davey!
October 3, 2010 at 10:36 pm
Thanks Davey & Dan for the video…it is so true that things do get better & it is truely sad to see just in this past week 4 teenage suicides because they were gay & being bullied. I can personally relate to it all. I was called f*g in middle & high school mainly cause I was a skinny kid that wasnt in any sports or activities & nearly all my friends were girls. I always had a ‘girlfriend’ in school even though we did nothing more than a peck on the cheek & hold hands. I opened up to myself in College and came out when I was 20 yrs. old. I was living completely on my own so I didnt have to worry about being kicked out of the house. At first, I came out to my sister, a few cousins, & some friends. Then about a yr later I came out to my step-mother. She was pretty cool with it all…she even said she just kinda knew all along that I was…and she was just letting me figure out who I was & if I wanted to tell her. That was a huge relief! I came out to the rest of my family a few years later after I moved outta state & had been with my partner for about 2 yrs. My fathers side of the family were all pretty cool with it, my step-mothers side were all cool with it, but my biological mothers side completely disowned me…and it is their lost..not mine. (My biological mother was killed in a car accident when I was 6 & my father remarried 2 yrs later, then my father was killed in a car accident when I was 14).
That all said, there were some really tough years for me as a teen and I not only thought about suicide…I attempted it several times (5 actually)! Thankfully I am still here and received no harm to me. I thought it would be easier to just end it all than live a lie or come out. I always thought that i’d never find a partner & I’d be that ‘weird old single guy’, BUT after my first bf cheated on me and ended the relationship it wasnt long after that I met my partner (in an online chat room). We chatted for a few weeks & on November 30, 2001 I drove from my small town in WV to meet him in NC! We have been together ever since then. I returned home to settle outta my lease, train someone to take over my job, pack my apartment & stuff..and on Feb. 5, 2002 I moved to NC. We have been living together since then. We had a nice house built (3bdrm, 2.5 bath, 1400sqft) and have been living here since Dec. 19, 2003. So in less than 2 months we will be celebrating our 9 yr anniversary. We will eventually get ‘married’ even if it isnt legal in NC.
I honestly never thought I would have all that I do and be as happy as I am! So if by me telling my life story can help save even 1 person from taking their own life then it is well worth it! It will get better….you will find your true love….and you will be happy…it just takes some time. Suicide is not the answer…call for help if you have any thoughts of suicide. I am just glad that I failed at all 5 attempts I made back when I was 12-17. I would have never met the love of my life & we wouldnt have a wonderful life together!
October 4, 2010 at 1:44 am
This is kinda irrelevant, but how come we’ve never met ur boyfriend, u talk about him all the time but u’ve never shown him and i was sad saturday that there was no post
October 4, 2010 at 2:48 am
Great talky blog Davey and Dan. Thanks for sharing. I’m in Toronto this weekend and I’m gonna record my own vlog for the “It Gets Better” project tomorrow
Peace out!
October 4, 2010 at 3:49 am
Thank you for defending our Catholic Faith agaist the sad negative experiences of Davey. That is no reason to forsake the Cgurch. Bravo to you for emphasizing this!
October 4, 2010 at 4:11 am
No problem Gus. I am unsure why DW keeps reminding us of his terrible Catholic experience. I think maybe he has some deep seated issues left unresolved. I do not know.
October 4, 2010 at 7:34 am
Or perhaps he had a bad catholic experience and it pertains exactly to what he usually speaks about (being gay). Just because the topic seems to come up (because it’s related to his experiences which he talks about) doesn’t mean that he’s church bashing because he relates his own experiences.
The Catholic Church is by far a very different organization wherever you go – it not only varies from country to country, but from church to church. I know some pastors that preach only love, and others that preach only hell and damnation. Although you may have had a great experience with the church, others have experienced all sorts of negativity at the hands of the church. If you have the right to speak positively about the church, those who don’t share your opinion certainly have the right to share their own opinion.
And Gus, thousands of “Catholics” have forsaken the church for far less, including that they just don’t have the time due to work, family time or they really just don’t care. Would you really consider those who don’t really believe and attend mass only at Easter and Christmas “Catholics”? I think Davey Wavey and anyone else who has been hurt by the church has far more reason to leave the church. Personally, if I were still Catholic and in that situation, I would work on strengthening the faith of my church community itself before I started admonishing those who really do have reason to leave the church.
October 4, 2010 at 7:57 am
Thomas,
Friend you seem to have an answer for everything.Are you even Catholic? Tell me friend how would you know what is spoken a each Catholic Church? Have you been to several different parishes in different countries? The teachings of the Church are universal they are to be followed by all the parish churches and all Catholics. As you say some preach “only love”. But friend God is not “only love” he is also justice. I will not speak for Gus he is more than capable to speak for himself. My point is clear and I don’t think DW would even deny this. He has much animosity directed at the Church maybe individuals but probably at the teachings and doctrines themselves. The Church doctrines of the Church are not here to make DW happy or feel good about himself. The doctrines,natural laws and moral laws of the Church is divine in nature. It all comes down to one thing…the condoning of gay sex acts. God has not revealed to the Catholic Church that same-sex sex should be condoned. So the Church has no choice to follow natural, divine moral law. Many people might not like it but the laws of God do not bow down to man. Thanks
October 4, 2010 at 8:29 am
In the beginning, Man created a “god”.
October 4, 2010 at 8:44 am
“much animosity”? Really? You have to be really thin skinned and really, really on the defensive to feel that DW’s stories of his arguably negative school experience portray “much anomosity” towards the Catholic church.
You do realise that DW is not even a christian in any traditional sense, don’t you? So why do you express surprise that he has left the church or that he may not agree with it’s doctrine?
Your views on church and faith are very clear but you are old enough to know that not everyone shares that faith or any faith for that matter. If you are going to tell us, here on this site, that your god does not approve of us you won’t be making any new friends soon.
Best of luck to you
October 4, 2010 at 8:50 am
“Withdraw thy foot from thy neighbor’s house; lest he be weary of thee, and hate thee.” -Proverbs 25:17
October 4, 2010 at 9:57 am
I went to a (an all-boys) catholic school as well, and being queer back in High School was not fun…I always thought that, at the time, it would be better to not be who I was, lie and put on a mask. No one really understood or so it seemed at the time, that being 14y.o, and bisexual was as hard as being gay.
I’ve heard it all from “faggot” to “choose a fucken side already”…Then one day, I said “no”. No, I wouldn’t let myself go down that spiral of self-hate, low self-esteem and so forth.
I decided to move countries for College, and now I live on the other side of the world: it got better. University has helped me accept myself for who I really am, and nightmares of high school bullies are long gone. I won’t deny by saying that there aren’t stupid people or “bullies” at University level – but life gets better. Better than high school, and hormones skyrocketing and teenagehood.
October 4, 2010 at 10:11 am
I’ve read a few comments in reply to your post, and I thought I’d share something
I’m queer and catholic, and, it is true that many of us lose faith in the Church (for those who are/were catholics) for various reasons.
I remember one day, the catechist told me to “not take everything word for word, read between the lines and think for yourself!” and added after a pause “you are beautiful in the eyes of God, no matter what”. I guess she knew about my sexuality before even I had acknowledged it? Well anyway, my experiences with my parish, and the Church itself have been positive for most of it.
I was told to love, not hate. To respect, not despise. And I guess it has shaped who I am today.
Maybe (this reply is way longer than I expected) I have a perception of religion that I have, on purpose, moulded in my brain to feel less hurt and “betrayed”? God is love: he created us to his image. Then I am queer, and I too, am loved.
Made sense? Or not…….
October 4, 2010 at 10:25 am
Of course this makes sense God love us no matter who we are.. It is many gays who reject God. But they are not the only ones. As a Catholic our faith comes to us through the Church such as the sacraments. God is love totally love but he is also a God of justice. We seem to forget this. Many people have created a false god. To me this is wrong but it is their choice. Of course many gays are atheist. But this is also their choice. There is absolutely no reason why a gay Catholic should leave the faith, but they do leave for self-centered and selfish reasons. They choose something else over Christ. But it is what it is.
October 4, 2010 at 4:22 pm
I was baptised Catholic and I went to Catholic Elementary School and High School. Although I always had doubts (because honestly, who doesn’t?) I believed for the most part until somewhere through High School. Having family in the National Police force, I moved around when I was younger, and so I did attend MANY different Catholic churches within Canada. So I can tell you with certainty that on the national scale there IS a lot of variance, and so I can only conclude that this variance can be extrapolated to the international level.
And while you may believe that the doctrines of the Church are divine in nature, I believe that since they are created by man (the pope), they are just as flawed as man. It wasn’t God who wrote the bible, it was a bunch of men who saw something they couldn’t explain, and so wrote down their own interpretations. Whether you believe in him or not, God is intangible and unknowable, so then why do you expect that we have a perfect representation of his wishes recorded in the bible?
In any case – you have the right to believe what you want. Anyone who doesn’t believe in God or the teachings of any church have the right to believe what they want.
If you have the right to be vocal about your trust and belief in the church, those who have been hurt by it have the right to be vocal about their experiences. If everyone in the world who has been hurt by someone kept their mouth shut about it, then nothing would ever change for the better. And isn’t that’s what the church is supposed to be about?
October 4, 2010 at 5:02 pm
Thomas I hear ya but BTW I never doubted my faith. NEVER! But I hear ya…don’t agree with much you said but I hear ya…okay take care
October 4, 2010 at 5:41 pm
I think it’s completely unfair to label their leaving the church as “self-centered and selfish”
YOU may not have experienced anything that would give you reason to leave the church, but I can name a plethora of reasons that some gay men would choose to leave the church.
Although the official doctrine may be fine with gay men under certain conditions (chastity, etc), not everyone is as kind. Throughout the world in almost every religion there are those who choose to use the religion as a tool to cause hurt. Unfortunately, the Christian church as well as others (Islam, etc) are often very easy to manipulate in such a fashion. They use blind faith in the words of authority figures to cause pain and suffering.
It’s not fair for you to label others as self-centered and selfish when you don’t know their situation.
October 4, 2010 at 10:03 pm
Thank you Thomas have a great evening…
October 5, 2010 at 10:34 pm
Thank you Davey for the encouragement. I am in high school right now but in public and it is quite anti-gay. In one of my classes I always here people saying how much they hate gay people. I really hate how people my age are. If someone is different, people don’t want anything to do with you. I hope it gets better!
October 9, 2010 at 10:09 am
I really do have to agree with Thomas. The opinions and thoughts of others are based on their previous experiences. I have to say that I have had very easy life in the sense that I have never had a completely negative reaction from anyone I have come out to, granted I’m only 17 and haven’t come out to many people. But I have many Catholic ffriends, but I also have many atheist, mormon, hindi, buddhist and even wiccan friends. And while some of them werent thrilled that i came out to them, they know that I will be the exact same person I was before. But I digress. saying that someone is self centered for leaving the church is almost ignorant, because you are ignorant of what they experienced. My boyfriend has grown up absolutely TERRIFIED of people finding out that he’s gay. When I asked him and told him I had suspicions, he told me I was insane. I took that as a no. But later he came to me asking me if he could trust me. I said yes, of course and he toold me that I wasn’t “too far off”. we date today, but only secretly. And the main reason: he has grown up with the full belief that, if he tells someone in his church, they will ban him and his soul from it. He grew up with the constant pressure of extreme homophobia.
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