Inspired by Tobias’ powerful story from this past weekend, I made a quick video about the misconception that gay men are sissies, wimps and pansies. In actuality, we’re some of the strongest people you’ll ever meet.
Take a look at the video via my second YouTube channel – and let me know if you agree.
P.S. Tune in tonight for Davey Wavey LIVE at 9PM ET! Lots to talk about!
November 7, 2011 at 1:42 pm
Tobias is living proof that it takes courage and belief in themselves for gays to take there place in society. Ask older gays who took years and years before they could not only come out to society but before they could even accept themselves. (Unfortunately, many gays have yet to find that inner strength that is necessary to take that step.)
Straight people have no concept of what it takes to first recognize that you are different, then gay, then telling family, friends and finally the world that you are OK with who you are.
Gays are definitely NOT weak!
November 7, 2011 at 2:27 pm
For me personally, brisnot hit the nail on the head when he said, “to recognize you are different, then gay…” Gay is about sexuality and most of us do not become conscious of our sexuality until we are into puberty. As a young child, I knew I was “different” and my mother, who had four children, said I was different from the day I was born. I think we develop our fortitude early in childhood in persevering despite the cost of being different that society imposes upon us. For some of us, myself included, it forces us to excel in whatever we do to prove that we are not only different, but better. I was never the most macho guy in the group, yet I can think of so many times in my life, when it came time to take on authority on a matter of principle, I was the chosen leader for the task. Others may recognize differentness, they also recognize strength of character. Tobias is a living example of that strength. Thanks, Davey, for saying so.
November 7, 2011 at 2:51 pm
I agree. More courage is needed for any minority to survive, because essentially they receive things last
November 7, 2011 at 3:12 pm
Tobias is a tower of strength in and for himself. He is a hero to every gay man who has struggled through and had to deal with the results of “coming out (being found out, or being outed).
I was “found out” and asked if I was bi. All I could respond was I know I like guys and as a child I liked boys.” That settled nothing. I was confused and angry. All I would say is, “I am me. I am who I am. Period. In your eyes I am just gay and I accept that. But, really, I am just who I am.”
My family and friends “accepted” me and were decent and civil to me. Most of the time that fact that I am gay passes into the “deep background” and I am seen as “just me.”
Yet, when I reflect on it, I sense that things are really different between us. It so often seems that I remain something of “the other” to them. They have no real idea of what it means to be gay, to have the feelings that a gay person has. For example we talk about their bf/gf or spouses and things go well. If I mention my bf and the good times we’ve had, everyone listens politely, says a word or two Then the conversation goes on as if I’ve never said a thing.
It is so different when I am with other gay ppl. We are all relaxed (although there can be fights, disagreements, opinions even on what it means to be gay). There is a fundamental realization and appreciation of the depth of meaning that we are attracted to persons of our own sex.
Tobias has gone through the process of accepting himself, has come out, and owned who he is at a great price. So yes he is strong and a hero to all of us. It must have hurt Tobias very much when his grandmother said “you are not allowed to be gay.” That’s like hearing, “You’re not allowed to have blue eyes or be left handed. I am very, very happy that I am gay, and I want to support all my LGTB brothers and sisters. Tobias, you are a jewel !!!!! Sebby
November 7, 2011 at 5:53 pm
Unfortunately, one advantage of being in the closet is that people have to accept you as you are and not as some gay person with all the stereotypes that may entail. On the second point, humor is a universal that everyone, gay or straight, can enjoy. Try telling your family or friends something truly funny about your bf and see if that gets a better response.
November 7, 2011 at 3:19 pm
I agree.
November 7, 2011 at 3:50 pm
i disagree most gays are pussies. You being a huge wimp.
November 11, 2011 at 10:34 am
Are you one of those “gays” Tommy?
November 7, 2011 at 5:44 pm
It does take a lot of courage to come out about your being “different”. Even today, being “different” is somewhat frowned upon. Whether your gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or even a cougar or milfhunter. But let’s not limit it to being different because of your sexual preference or even your feeling your a person trapped in the wrong body.
Being “different” touches a lot of different aspects of “being”. And it takes a lot of strength and courage to own up to that.
Face it…. if there’s ANY part of you which differs from the status quo, people are bound to frown on that and it takes a strong back to keep standing up and not giving in to the harsh words that’ll come.
Every day is a struggle to defend who we are. If not for lame comments, it’ll be for just the words filled with hate.
Even if you don’t know the person who utters these words, it DOES leave an impact. It does hurt. It can blow you off your feet and make you wonder if the path your going is the right one.
Just today I had a headache and a colleague commented that all women have headaches most of the time anyway.
This was both offensive to women as it was to me as a man because he basically stated that, as a gay man, I must be feminine (ergo have headaches all the time). What can you do? Well, the best thing is then to report it. But one has to wonder if I would report it, would I then stoop to his level?
For someone who tries to do right by everybody, this is a tough nut to crack. So how does one act?
Does one report it, or stand strong and endure the hardship? Let’s face it….. there will always be some degree of bullying and it takes a strong back to see it through, but there comes a time when enough is just enough.
November 7, 2011 at 5:57 pm
The feminists make a point of telling others that they are either offended by or resent others’ passive agressive comments. If it works for them, it ought to work for us. You have a right to your dignity, even if you are gay, or lesbian, or whatever.
November 7, 2011 at 7:27 pm
By very nature, we have to survive in a world that hasn’t accepted us. And while this is changing little by little, it really hasn’t changed a lot. It takes far more courage to accept being gay, to live in a world where that acceptance is still limited.
Like any other subjective evaluation, what one considers as strong vs weak will always be debated. Many gay guys are more emotional. I personally think this makes them stronger. Guys who suppress their emotions end up doing themselves a lot of harm emotionally and physically in the long run.
And we all know gay guys who are physically stronger than many straight guys. I suspect that this notion that we are wimps comes from stereotyping.
Tobias is a powerful example of a young guy who didn’t let the world push him around. I’ve met many others who have, in their own way, pushed back and succeeded. How many weak gay guys did it take to bring about social change for the LGBTQ community over the last 30+ years?
We are strong!
November 8, 2011 at 1:22 am
gays guys emotionally and physically stronger?ask my str8 friends-yeah-they are my biggest cheerleaders.they would bet their lives-on me.ive been told that-time and time again-and it happened just today.i luv my best friends-and two of three are str8.the other guy luvs me too-but he is finding himself.my str8 friends-would never ever call me a sissie-i dont ever have to qualify myself to them-they know it.——and yes-Tobias-is a real stud-he taught me resilience.i am so grateful for his coming out story.how great is that?
November 7, 2011 at 7:36 pm
If adversity can be a source of strength, as I know it can be, gays might be seen to have a very big advantage in achieving strength since most of us grow up in an environment of adversity. Might that explain why gays tend to be over-achievers in so many fields?
November 7, 2011 at 8:10 pm
Totally agree!!
November 7, 2011 at 8:50 pm
Tommy, everyone knows the more homophobic you are on the outside the more homo you are on the inside
November 7, 2011 at 11:25 pm
Love it Matt. And people, in general, don’t be assholes.
November 8, 2011 at 6:14 am
Cheers to that!
November 8, 2011 at 1:39 am
There is a BIG difference in acting like a sissy and being a sissy. I think about Quentin Crisp. He came out in England in the 1940′s (The Naked Civil Servant) way before gay was even excepted but it was who he was dyed hair and all. He said admitting it and showing people he knew why they were laughing at him eased the tension. Yes there is bravery in being gay but there is bravery in anyone being totally who they are. So many people have the “I didn’t need to know that!” mentality. They close their eyes to reality. To be real to yourself and others is Brave. We gays just know it and do it more than others. Or is it we are more visible. To anyone who has braved being themselves and found a happy life I applaud and cheer for them and I pray from the others struggling. Maybe one day. . .
November 8, 2011 at 2:39 am
@Tommy how about you be gay and come out to your family when you dont know what the outcome will be and then u can talk
November 8, 2011 at 2:42 am
@Matt hahahaha thats a great way to put it!!!
hah the more homophobic u r on the outside the more homo u r on the inside…that should be a bumper sticker
November 8, 2011 at 6:12 am
A Pansy is a beautiful flower and I think Tobias has blossomed into a beautiful human being.
I don’t know why other people feel the need to take other people’s power away. It was suggested to me that sometimes the reason why people may constantly put other people down is because they feel small themselves. People see cruelty as the only way to level the playing field and then, continue to pick away to gain “one up_man_ship” (don’t know if that should be all one word or not).
If life were a competition, (and it isn’t!), you’d think people would pay more attention to getting their life right and not focus on others. Perhaps they are lost, perhaps they are not emotionally equiped to deal with their own lives. However, that is no excuse to take another person’s power away. There IS no such excuse. There is no reason. But this is my explanation.
Tobias is a living example of how strength can (and should) come from within. Of course, a little love and validation goes a long way also.
November 8, 2011 at 7:15 am
We are told from early childhood, Jason, that life is a competition. From sports to college entrance, to getting a job, to success, to finding a spouse, all is compete, compete,compete. Sports, politics, Wall St. are all competitive models. The most popular shows on t.v–Dancing with the Stars and American Idol are competitions. In every competitive race, some win, some lose. Today we see the result: the wealthy 1% own 40% of all the wealth in the U.S. and people have finally had enough. I don’t know how we get out of the rat race. Only two alternatives come to mind–the monastery and the hippie commune. The win/lose proposition creates constant self-evaluation and envy in some. It is the trap to personal unhappiness. I’d like to think life is less competitive and happier Down Under. Perhaps so. In the United States, individualism and personal wealth, as opposed to communitarianism and the commonwealth, is the national ethos. The homophobes would like to make us the losers in society to advance themselves one rung up the ladder. Bullshit. Go Tobias and all others like him. You are the winners.
November 11, 2011 at 10:43 am
@ Joel J
Q. How many times have you been stomped on and belittled for the sheer purpose of endulging and enhancing someone else ego?
There is the law of the jungle, survival of the fittest and then there is cruelty and disrespect for the hell of it. When there’s no direct competition, when it’s about one person sizing themselves up against another, that’s altogether different situation if you ask me.
November 11, 2011 at 12:30 pm
@Jason (J)
I’m not sure how to answer your question because I am trying to understand the point you wish to make. Have I ever been stomped on? No. Have I ever been belittled? Yes. To belittle another is to put oneself in a superior position. I think we have all been invalidated by those who feel competitive with us. One of the ways others invalidate us is by calling us “gay” or “queer,” as if anything we have to say is of no account. I have experienced some of that and it has forced me to be on guard in environments where homophobes may be present.
In my previous post, I was responding to your statement when you said, “If life were a competition, (and it isn’t).” That has not been my experience. I am not a competitive person by nature, but I have often been forced into competition with others. Some envy achievement and success and, in the smallness of their minds, try to knock off the king, so to speak. My post was simply a statement of how I understand society in the U.S. I wasn’t advocating anything.
Those who engage in cruelty to others are sociopaths at best and psychopaths at worst. I think we make the same distinction between cruelty and belittlement. At least, I hope so.
November 12, 2011 at 6:54 am
@ Joel J – we’re on the same page.
With regard to competition, there’s healthy competition and then there’s cruelty, (which is what I was referencing and perhaps I should have been more clear). Healthy competition can have a positive outcome, good or bad. The other kind however…… is someone else’s self worth more valuable than mine? no. It’s that kind of competitiveness that I’m against. In fact, I wouldn’t describe it as being the true spirit of competition: putting others down for sport or kicks. Would you?
With regard to Sociopaths and Psychopaths, you may wish to switch those around. Sociopaths act without conscience or quilt. Psychopaths aren’t emotionally detached and quite often act out of hurt (if I have the definition correct).
November 12, 2011 at 8:22 am
@Jason
I didn’t make the connection between competition and cruelty in my own mind. In healthy competition one congratulates the winner; in unhealthy competition, one tries to undermine or destroy the winner out of jealousy. Do you remember the figure skater whose leg was broken by the boyfriend of her main competitor? That was unhealthy competition and it was cruel.
To me a sociopath is one who is incapable of empathy for others: can never put himself in the shoes of those less fortunate than himself. A psychopath is one who commits antisocial acts and is incapable of any feelings at all. I have known any number of sociopaths. It’s scary that we have a rising number of psychopaths in the U.S. that appears to be linked to the crack epidemic among addicted mothers who leave their babies unattended for long periods of time. Those babies never received the nurturing they required as infants. In response, some states have lowered the age for capital punishment.
I consulted my dictionary to see if I could clarify the distinction for myself and it was not very helpful. I am not a psychologist.
I am sorry for your school experience. I was fortunate: I got my education in gentler times–the 50′s and 60′s. For me, those derogatory names don’t carry as much emotional load.
November 8, 2011 at 11:16 am
I agree with you!
November 11, 2011 at 10:33 am
Saw this article and thought I would share it with all of you. I think it speaks, in part, to the topic of this “talky blog”.
Sudden Change – mX News – Wednesday November 9, 2011.
Headline: Turned Gay With A Stroke
A 120 kilogram (264.6 pound) rugby player suffered a stroke while training – and woke to find he was gay.
Rugby loving Welshman Chris Birch, 26, was planning to marry when he suffered a freak accident in the gym.
Trying to impress his friends with a backflip, he broke his neck and suffered a stroke.
He was taken to the Royal Gwent hospital and says that when he woke up he discovered he was gay.
“It sounds strange but when I came around I immediately felt different. I wasn’t interested in women any more. I was definitely gay,” he said.
“I had never been attracted to a man before – I’d never even had any gay friends. But I didn’t care about who I was before, I had to be true to my feelings.”
His family and friends were stunned by the dramatic changes to his personality, especially his change in sexuality.
Before the accident Birch was planning on settling down with his girlfriend. He worked in a bank and spent his weekends watching sport and drinking beer with this rugby friends.
But after the stroke he found he was no longer interested in sport and had little in common with his old friends.
Birch, of Ystad Mynach, south Wales, said “Suddenly, I hated everything about my old friends, I hated sport and found my job boring.”
“I started to take more pride in my appearance, bleached out my hair and started working out. I went from 120 kilogram (264.6 pound) skinhead to a 70 kilogram (154.3 pound) preened man.”
He said his family struggled to come to terms with his sudden change of identity so he decided to move out of home.
He re-trained as a hairdresser and now lives whith his partner, Jack Powell, 19, above his salon.
Stroke expert Joe Korner said strokes could lead to the brain making new neural connections during recovery that can trigger changes such as “language or perhaps a different sexuality”.
[End of article]
Can anyone here (reading this) argue that this man, Chris Birch, is a sissie?
Should I ask “Tommy”, who (on November 7, 2011) shared this with us: “I disagree most gays are pussies. You being a huge wimp.” – to field this one, perhaps?
Embracing a new reality that flies in the face of everything everyone, including himself, thought he was can’t have been easy. While this bares little relation to Tobias’ story, I feel it is another example of how inner strength can conquer all obstacles.
November 11, 2011 at 12:46 pm
@Jason
Tommy’s comment appears to have had a big impact on you. Some idiots, like Tommy, make such comments for their own self-amusement, nothing more. Tommy is an idiot. Does that make you feel better?
November 12, 2011 at 7:00 am
@ Joel J -
His attitude is what I was spoon fed at school by my classmates. Having him retract the statement rather that wear the label “idiot” would be far more satisfying. That is what would make me feel better. Kind of a double negative otherwise, the kind that doesn’t cancel out.
What did you make of the article?
November 12, 2011 at 7:51 am
@Jason (J)
The article reinforces my personal belief that one’s sexual identity is wired in the brain. A few years ago, there was a scientific finding that, in gay men, there is one section of the brain that is smaller or larger (can’t remember which) than in heterosexual men. Their is an area of science I find fascinating because they are discovering how the brain works and how it determines individual behavior. It is called psychoneurobiology. I suspect some day they will give us a definitive explanation for sexual preference. At the end of your article, I wondered how to account for bisexuality. Do they have extra neural connections in the brain? I guess so. These guys and gals truly do exist. On npr (national public radio) last week there was a discussion of recent findings about addiction. They now understand the role that different brain chemicals, like dopamine, play in the brain of the addicted person and how some persons have weaker neural connections than others. It is indeed fortunate that this area of science is one that is being funded by the U.S. government. Once the ignorami get done cutting the federal budget, I am afraid most research grants may be severely cut back. That’s regress.
November 12, 2011 at 8:02 am
@ Jason
With respect to Tommy, have you ever heard the term “callow youth.” We don’t know who Tommy is, how old he is, or what motivates his posts. It is unfortunate that, in reading anyone’s post, we can’t read the voice behind the words, the intonation, voice inflection, etc. It is hard to know whether Tommy’s post was said in a hateful way or in a mocking way for his own self-amusement. I will give him the benefit of the doubt for now.
November 12, 2011 at 7:16 am
The day to day life most folks take for granted is a hurdle we have to get around in most instances. How open do we need to be with our fellow situation individuals and will that help or hurt us. Giving us a lot more to think about and consider in the long run. Through all these experiences we get mentally stronger than many, I believe.
November 15, 2011 at 7:32 pm
I think being gay makes you emotionally stronger ( in the long run ) when your young I think it can mess you up a lot and child and teen years would probably of been a lot easier had I been straight. But I think I had to learn what I was , like someone mentioned I knew I was different but I didn’t see the world through sexuality till I was 11, and even then I weirdly came to the conclusion all men liked men and just slept with women because it was ‘normal’ – strange how the mind of a child works. Eventually I realised it wasn’t normal, all my friends had girl friends and I had no desire for one, I became depressed and switched off sexually which further confused me – making me wonder if infant I was asexual . Anyway long story short I got better became sexually awakened again knew I liked men, got a boyfriend, came out, had a few tears and upset and bullying but it all worked out in the end.
Id now say I’m very emotionally strong and also far wiser than most of my straight friends , most of them have had rather simple lives and have never really been emotionally tested. I think gays get lifes troubles earlier on and then it simmers , whilst straights get it easy until they get older and have kids ect when they finally become emotionally tested. Statistically gays achieve more and are higher earners ( in the U.K ) and I think this is where such a drive come from, I always aim for top grades, I aspire to have a good job and home and also to be able to do all the things I want to. Im a poor student but I always get by and make my money last, I dress as best and nice as I can on the little I have but somehow I get by and my peers admire me and whenever we have group work im choosen – and as there all ‘chavs’ it says a lot that admire my leadership skills, I mean there the same type of people that spent high school gay bashing.
November 16, 2011 at 2:36 am
@ Clark
The first paragraph of your post certainly resonates with me (almost identically).
Pleased you have made the best of it. Thanks for sharing, sincerely.
November 16, 2011 at 11:59 am
I am a dude with a girl’s body , but i like guys, i am insensitive and sometimes uncouth. I think i am wierd. Im just plain wierd, but for you, i think you know what you want, clear about who you are what you want in life, i think you are more normal then me. I hope you will find your happiness and god bless you and be happy. (btw im not good with my words, hope i had not said anything that hurt you or anyone here)
November 17, 2011 at 5:08 am
@ Jade – What is normal? It’s like asking how long is a piece of string. You are perfectly normal, human in fact. You are also better with your words then you give yourself credit for. May you find happiness and be blessed also.
November 16, 2011 at 4:11 pm
Davey,
I absolutely agree that being gay is not for the weak. I came out to my three kids about two years ago as their mother and I wee heading for divorce after 20 years of marriage ( that was NOT the reason for ending the marriage, btw). Since then, I have been chastised by all of my children, who are in their late teens. Luckily, after the abuse I suffered in my marriage, I found a way to heal myself, come to terms with the real me and find the man of my dreams who loves me just as much as I love him!
Thank you for being so damn smart and cute, Davey!
Wil
November 17, 2011 at 5:38 pm
At the moment, what is being promoted around here is that gays are those who walk around with silly handbags, or transvestites, or some idiotic characters who appear on TV claiming they represent the gay community. But what people don’t know that so many men out there live as gays, who are strong in character and worthy of respect.
I wonder when people will be able to see through the mist of their limited understanding!
November 18, 2011 at 12:30 am
Damn, I think I am going to start an arguement here but I get SO upset with this separation of types of gays. EVERYONE needs respect even the people we are uncomfortable with. Yes, there are some ( sorry for being un PC) swishy gays but there are also older gays, gays not fit, overweight, not handsome, or “Strong in character”. We are who we are and how we were created. I think these (again sorry unPC) outcast gays need respect, too. I met my first transgender person at a church (Okay not really gay but give me a break) and found out how powerful and strong She was. She put me to shame! When will we learn to live together GLBTQ, (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Trangender and Questioning.) What was that quote? “Together we stand. Divided we fall.” I know what is like to be outside of the gay community I long for. But I find there is a gay term for me. “Troll.” I except that. But think of the love (non-sexual) are we losing by separating ourselves from each other. “Being Gay isn’t for Sissys.” But imagine the power we’d have if all of us worked together. I stood up one fellow student for a “sissy” who was being bullied and we became close friends. Think on that.
November 18, 2011 at 12:46 am
@Peter
If you haven’t already done so, I hope you will go back and read the posts on Davey’s blog “It Takes Balls to be a Queen.”
November 18, 2011 at 1:34 am
@Peter
There is discrimination within the gay community. With few exceptions, I haven’t seen any of it on this website. The best we can do as individuals is to be as inclusive and non-discriminatory as our consciences dictate. As my brother used to say, it takes all types to make the world go round. Thanks for your reminder.